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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pressure from inlaws to circumcise DSs.

74 replies

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras · 14/08/2013 11:59

AIBU to tell them that I will not be doing it and they can just bugger off?

DH is from abroad and has been brought up as a Muslim although he does not practise it at all. His father and some others in his family are quite fanatical. All his sister's and brother's DSs have had the snip (including the ones who live in the UK) and DH's mother is particular keeps asking when we will be getting our 3 DSs aged from 11 to 3 'done'.

I am English and don't agree with it. They can get it done themselves as adults if they really want to. I will not be putting them through unnecessary pain. DH has obviously been 'done' and thinks it is better from a hygiene pov but I disagree and have made it clear that I wont agree to it. They have that part for a reason!

We are on 'holiday' (not a holiday for the women) in DH's country now and they are all talking about the parties that have been held for other family member's DSs after being circumcised and telling us to have the DSs done now while we are here.

AIBU to tell them to shut up and not mention it to me again?

OP posts:

SamG76 · 14/08/2013 12:32

YANBU, of course. I'd be astonished if they were "whisked off" to have it done, though. Is your DH backing you up on this? I assume you've discussed this with him previously - 11 years is a long time.....

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 14/08/2013 12:39

YANBU! And keep a very close eye on your sons.

How much longer do you need to be there? I'd be planning a trip straight home if family members were asking me to chop off bits of my children's bodies.

Ireallymustbemad · 14/08/2013 14:01

YANBU at all. Tell them you don't agree with if and the DSs can decide when they are adult. I would also agree not to let them take the dc out without you, if you have any doubts.

Mimishimi · 14/08/2013 14:20

Are you actively raising them as Muslims? That's the only scenario where I can see it would be a problem. Muslim males are supposed to be circumcised 8 days after the birth or upon conversion.

Inertia · 14/08/2013 14:32

What Morloth said- tell them you don't practise genital mutilation on your children.

And I'd be very reluctant to let my baby out of my sight in those circumstances (while breaking my heart that I was having to intervene to stop my child's grandparents from chopping parts of his body off).

Why can't they have a party to celebrate his birth, rather than ceremonial torture?

Whothefuckfarted · 14/08/2013 14:38

Like others have said, don't let your kids out of your sight while you are there.
Tell them the kids can decide for themselves when they are old enough.

LTB if he lets his family 'whisk' them off to have it done behind your back and against your wishes.

crescentmoon · 14/08/2013 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CruCru · 14/08/2013 14:45

How long are you there for?

Inertia · 14/08/2013 14:50

Ah sorry, I misread and didn't spot that your children were older.

Can't they celebrate your visit instead ?

specialsubject · 14/08/2013 14:58

the word 'fanatical' is worrying. Come home ASAP, and don't let your children out of your sight until you have.

littlemog · 14/08/2013 15:01

Tell them that your sons can decide for themselves when they are 18 as it is THEIR body not anyone else's. If they decide that they need to hack a bit of themselves off to satisfy outdated cultural norms then they can.

This kind of shit really pisses me off. Bloody nonsense.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/08/2013 15:04

Well it can actually be much more hygienic.
Cervical cancer is very rare in Jewish women for this exact reason.
I also much prefer a circumsised one to be honest.
But that is my preference. And your preference is to NOT put your sons through this until they are old enough to make the decision for themselves.
Make sure they are fully aware of your views and keep repeating if necessary.
Make sure your DH is backing you up as well!

littlemog · 14/08/2013 15:06

I also much prefer a circumsised one to be honest.

Good lord. I assume that you are a woman and wonder how you would feel if men went about saying that they prefer female genitalia with bits chopped off. THINK about what you have just typed!

Squitten · 14/08/2013 15:06

Is your DH supportive in not having it done? If so, tell him that he needs to speak to his family and put an end to any speculation that it will be happening at any point. If he is possibly going to be swayed into agreeing to it, be very wary in his country. If they consider his opinion to be the only one necessary, it could get done before you get the chance to object.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 14/08/2013 15:11

Well it can actually be much more hygienic.
Or, you could just teach your child to wash properly instead if lopping bits off of him!

littlemog · 14/08/2013 15:13

Well said Puss.

quoteunquote · 14/08/2013 15:14

Tell them to sod off and come home.

squoosh · 14/08/2013 15:14

littlemog if people are used to circumcised penises it's not unusual for them to express a preference for them. Many American women would be pretty repulsed by the sight of a foreskin.

I'm not a circumcision fan just pointing out the cultural differences.

vtechjazz · 14/08/2013 15:14

Do you think DH might be swayed by them? Are they on at him to start practicing again?.

curlew · 14/08/2013 15:16

"but by all means, if neither your DH or you want it done just keep reiterating it."

NO!!!!! "If you don't want it done just keep reiterating it"

BeCool · 14/08/2013 15:19

YANBU - your baby you decide.

Tell the the IL's to "fuck off" if they keep pressuring you (it's what's done in English culture).

And your DH needs to get onside PDQ. Getting your baby circumcised for "hygiene reasons" is a first class cop out swerve.

fromparistoberlin · 14/08/2013 15:21

OP I really REALLY feel for you, its a tough one as they are going to push it, vvv hard.

I would feel the same as you, AND I dont view circumcism as harshly as some on here.

Is this going to cause issues all holiday? will they maybe sneak them off and do it? will they ostracise the kids in any way if they dont?

all worth thining about, to mitigate against stress and future holidays from hell.

also agree with whoever said to be as tactful as possible

tread carefully here OP

littlemog · 14/08/2013 15:21

Squoosh yes I see your point but women like this should really have a long think about that 'preference' shouldn't they?

It involves cutting bits off a baby boy (usually a baby) and I think that women stating a preference for a penis that has been 'altered' (can't think of a non-inflammatory way to say what I really want to say) adds to the cultural pressure to get this horrible thing done.

I appreciate that there are cultural differences but if no-one questions dubious cultural practices then they just continue.

lunar1 · 14/08/2013 15:22

Though I don't agree with mutilating children I think the op saying she is being pressured is a very long way away from his family snatching the children and doing it anyway. Unless there is much more to the story ltb and run away home is a bit harsh.

BeCool · 14/08/2013 15:22

You don't need to keep reiterating at all. You've made your feeling very clear. Why engage any further? The subject has no interest or relevance to you?

I'd not engage in such discussions at all after I have clearly made my POV known. By continuing to engage they will think they have a chance to change your mind and keep on at you.

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