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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask SIL to hold off bringing her stepchildren down for the first post-baby visit?

62 replies

sheeplikessleep · 14/08/2013 11:16

SIL getting married next year. She has two kids of her own (teens) and her DH to be has two younger DC.

I am nearly 38 weeks pregnant, expecting DC3. They live 5 hours away. They are intending to bring down all four kids + the two of them and my MIL in the weeks after DC3 is born.

They will all be staying in a hotel. I am still a bit concerned about having 12 people in our house all at once during the day, particularly having all the kids haring around, in the weeks after giving birth.

DH has mentioned to her that for the first visit, could we just limit numbers a bit. She has already had the conversation with her fiancée about whether its appropriate to bring step-children or not. Apparently her fiancée wants to bring them.

AIBU? I know all four are now her children and immediate family, but I am a bit worried she is going to be a bit offended. Should I just suck it up for 2 or 3 days, or stick to my guns and ask her to just bring her two biological children?

OP posts:
Original poster
sheeplikessleep · 14/08/2013 11:17

(... And her fiancée and mum)

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 14/08/2013 11:20

YANBU to limit the numbers but I expect the fiancee will be pissy if its just his kids excluded..the answer would be (for me) no fiancee and his kids initially while you get sorted

GemmaTeller · 14/08/2013 11:20

As a step mother I would be offended if you asked me to bring my DS and not my DSD.

Sparklysilversequins · 14/08/2013 11:20

No you cannot just ask her to just bring her biological children. They're a family.

If you feel you don't want the crowd that's fine, put it off for a month but the fact that they're staying in a hotel should surely make it a bit easier? Surely they won't want to sit around your house all day, structure the visits, a couple of hours in the morning or afternoon etc.

CaptainSweatPants · 14/08/2013 11:21

I'd see how you feel nearer the time

you could meet in a coffee shop instead of your house

or get your brother to bring a couple of the dcs over and sil come over later with the other two

or have dinner round someone else's house - does your mum live close by?

5madthings · 14/08/2013 11:21

I think its a bit mean to exclude her step children tbh, they are to be part of your family, your neices/nephews.

I can understand you not wanting a busy house, but they are staying in a hotel, can you limit the length of visits, suggest local attractions they can visit so they are not in your house all day?

PearlyWhites · 14/08/2013 11:21

Yabu if it was the first week maybe a bit overwhelming but this is your third child surely it would be life as normal after a couple of weeks. I really don't see the big deal with four extra kids in the house especially teenagers and especially as they are staying in a hotel.

pjmama · 14/08/2013 11:21

I'd suck it up, it's only for a couple of days and not worth offending everyone.

BrokenSunglasses · 14/08/2013 11:21

YABVU.

Would you consider asking her not to bring her biological children?

If you don't want a house full, which is understandable, then don't invite any of them. Or postpone the visit until you can cope with it. Or ask mil to visit on her own.

But if your DH wants his sister and Mum to be able to visit, and she cares enough about your family to pay for a hotel so that they can welcome your new baby, then it would be very very rude of you to ask that she only brings half of her family.

2beornot · 14/08/2013 11:22

YANBU to not want that many people there, but you can't use biological/non-biological as the cut off. Could you say just sil or sil and fiancé to begin with?

mynameisslimshady · 14/08/2013 11:22

You can't rank the children in her family in order of importance.

I'd ask them all to put the visit off for a few weeks.

Shrugged · 14/08/2013 11:23

I don't think it's fair to ask her to make a distinction between her biological children and her step-children, and I would be offended if someone asked that of me. Whether or not you know her stepchildren, it sounds as if you are asking her to only bring her 'real' children at a time when she is presumably trying to forge a new family.

However, YANBU to worry about post-natal visiting hordes if you don't want them. Suggest she comes on her own or with her other half, and leave the children with other family for the day...?

Original poster
sheeplikessleep · 14/08/2013 11:24

It's hard, but the thought of having 12 people all in the house at once fills me with dread. I don't want to stop SIL to come down as quickly as she would like though (nor MIL).

OP posts:
HorryIsUpduffed · 14/08/2013 11:24

I wouldn't want an extra seven people, of whom four children, taking over my house all day when DC3 arrives. It was bad enough having a similar number, all calm adults, for two hours when DS2 was 4 days old.

Could it really not be just SIL and MIL for the first visit, and massed ranks a month or so later, once you've fully recovered?

MumnGran · 14/08/2013 11:25

I think you stick to your guns ...but absolutely not on the grounds of biological or step children.
That really isn't a division you want to be making, even if you feel it.

In your shoes, I would say to your SIL that she and MIL are welcome to visit on their own, in the first few days.
SIL is then welcome to visit again with two of the children, and MIL is welcome to come over with the other two.
Any way the children are divided up in those visits is fine. If SIL wants to bring the stepchildren, and let her own come with MIL, (or they mix&match) then that needs to be fine with you too and you need to make that very clear to her, so she doesn't feel you are prioritising children .....when she seems not to be.

The point surely is only about managing the number of visitors at any one time?

MaxPepsi · 14/08/2013 11:25

YABU about the step kids

YANBU about the amount of people all at once.

Let them come, if they all get to much they will have to take it in turns to go round the block whilst everyone else gets their cuddle.

cory · 14/08/2013 11:25

In that case you will just have to ask her to come without any children at all.

MrsCampbellBlack · 14/08/2013 11:26

I don't think its that rude actually. Ignore the step bit and a couple of teenagers are a lot easier than small children.

But, I'd just say to keep things amicable they're all welcome to visit but I'd encourage your DH to take your 2 older children and the others out and about so you don't have hoards of children in your house just post-birth.

I have 3 dc but still didn't appreciate loads of children in my house post-birth.

Are sil and mil the type who'll make drinks etc or are they going to expect you to be doing all that, sorting lunch for 12 etc?

seensomuch · 14/08/2013 11:26

leave it till you feel up to going out ,then arrange to meet out somewhere ,it will be less overwhelming and you can go home when you have had enough .

BrokenSunglasses · 14/08/2013 11:26

Will your Mil be able to visit without your SIL bringing her?

Scruffey · 14/08/2013 11:26

Take your new baby to their hotel so they can all come and you do not need to face so many visitors in your house.

Original poster
sheeplikessleep · 14/08/2013 11:26

Okay, I guess I am bu then. I will talk to DH about things we can do whilst they are here, so we haven't got everyone here morning to night.

OP posts:
Parmarella · 14/08/2013 11:27

Suck it up, it is family, try to be generous.

They are staying in s hotel and sm sure they eould remove any unruly kids ( maybe send them out for a bit)

They are making this effort cause they love you, so just ho with it.

Parmarella · 14/08/2013 11:27

Aaaargh sorry for typos

littlemog · 14/08/2013 11:28

Oh gosh - the biological/non-biological cut off thing is just dreadful. How could you even think of that? Confused

Limit numbers somehow for your own well-being obviously but for goodness sake don't do this.

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