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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask SIL to hold off bringing her stepchildren down for the first post-baby visit?

62 replies

sheeplikessleep · 14/08/2013 11:16

SIL getting married next year. She has two kids of her own (teens) and her DH to be has two younger DC.

I am nearly 38 weeks pregnant, expecting DC3. They live 5 hours away. They are intending to bring down all four kids + the two of them and my MIL in the weeks after DC3 is born.

They will all be staying in a hotel. I am still a bit concerned about having 12 people in our house all at once during the day, particularly having all the kids haring around, in the weeks after giving birth.

DH has mentioned to her that for the first visit, could we just limit numbers a bit. She has already had the conversation with her fiancée about whether its appropriate to bring step-children or not. Apparently her fiancée wants to bring them.

AIBU? I know all four are now her children and immediate family, but I am a bit worried she is going to be a bit offended. Should I just suck it up for 2 or 3 days, or stick to my guns and ask her to just bring her two biological children?

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 14/08/2013 11:28

My sister and I live a couple of hours apart. We both visited each other post the birth of third dcs by ourselves because we appreciated that nobody wants a house full of guests when trying to get bf established etc.

And I bet sil's children aren't that fussed about meeting the baby either. Just say it will be too much and sil and mil welcome to come on their own for the initital visit.

mrslyman · 14/08/2013 11:28

I think you should suck it up. She is staying in a hotel which is a good thing, and is bringing teens who should be able to help entertain the smaller children and take them to the park if it's all getting a bit hectic in the house.

Don't use the arrival of a new baby to start a family feud.

HandsomeEddy · 14/08/2013 11:29

I don't think you should ask this of them at all tbh.

But by the sound of it you're expecting them all to spend long lengths of time in your house when they visit? If so I'd maybe tell them you don't think you'll be ready for that so soon after your first birth, and they should hold off booking a hotel until you feel up to it, (but say this could be several weeks after the birth).

Or say they could visit for a couple of hours a day when they visit? If they have children themselves then surely they'll know you wont want crowds in your house all day with a newborn?

MrsCampbellBlack · 14/08/2013 11:30

Seriously, you would be mad to have 12 people in your house for lunches etc when you've just had your 3rd dc.

I would really just say no to all the children for now. I never take my children to visit someone whose just had a baby - I just don't think its fair.

LieweHeksie · 14/08/2013 11:30

You have to make the same decision that you would make if she had 4 non-step children.
Either say no kids, or meet elsewhere, or deal with it.

Original poster
sheeplikessleep · 14/08/2013 11:31

MIL didn't visit after DC2 was 5 months old, as her and FIL have cats and dogs. Tbh, I don't think FIL is that bothered. So I'm really pleased MIL is coming this time.

MIL wouldn't drive that far by herself (5 hours) and I don't think SIL would drive that far either without he fiancée. I guess the stepchildren I thought they are only living there very other weekend and I don't think they would be that bothered anyway?

Hmm, there just seems no fair way of doing this!

OP posts:
Original poster
sheeplikessleep · 14/08/2013 11:38

Just to explain, the biological/non biological thing does sound harsh, but my reasoning was that we've only met them half a dozen times if that, whereas the others we've known for 13 and 15 years, since birth. they are quite close to DH. Plus yes the teens are quite adult now, whereas the younger ones do hare around and argue quite a lot.

But it is the total number that bothers me. I guess I was just trying to think of the most logical way.

Tbh DH did position it with his sister that we've got concerns about how many in house at once. I believe it was also SIL who said they'd thought about just bringing her biological kids (I am only using that phrase to differentiate on here!!)

OP posts:
littlemog · 14/08/2013 11:46

Still avoid this plan like the plague - it will only come back to haunt you. Think of another plan.

Cravey · 14/08/2013 11:49

I think you need to tell her no kids at all if you feel you can't cope. Maybe though it will be ok as the baby won't be brand new and you have done it before. So it's either no kids or suck it up. If you asked me not to bring stepchildren I would be mighty offended.

LouiseAderyn · 14/08/2013 11:51

I don't think it's that unreasonable to not want kids you barely know, in your house for hours when you have just had a baby.

Sil's step dc are not family to the OP - it's not fair to expect her to feel the same about them as she does her own nieces/nephews, that she has seen grow up etc.

Might be different if the step dc were living with sil full time, but in blended families I think it is okay to accept that the children have different relatives and are closer to some than others. I think you can treat children fairly and equally, without necessarily treating them exactly the same.

Original poster
sheeplikessleep · 14/08/2013 11:53

Ok, I obviously need to put more thought into this. I don't want to cause a feud, I just don't want to be massively stressed by the fact we don't have enough plates, cups, food and the general noise levels (and my personality is that I am a worrier, I am not very laissez faire by any means!!)

I also feel bad about them travelling so far, then stipulating 'right, you stay for 2 hours' or limit the time SIL or MIL spends with new baby, by virtue of having 'shifts'.

But I take on board it's not up to me to make these differentiations and I need to tread carefully. Thanks all for posting.

OP posts:
littlemog · 14/08/2013 11:55

Sil's step dc are not family to the OP

I would not agree with this but maybe I view families differently.

Original poster
sheeplikessleep · 14/08/2013 12:02

Just to defend myself a bit and say that the step kids have been welcome and we do treat them the same, if not focus on them a bit more than our 'biological' niece and nephew, to try and welcome them in and as they are younger.

I take on board I am not bu to limit numbers, but it isn't up to me to differentiate the kids/teens. As I say, all DH said was that we had concerns about everyone coming at once, soon after the birth. He didn't specifically say who. SIL then went down that route. (Although I had expressed surprise to DH beforehand that the step-kids were coming so soon after birth).

Thanks all

OP posts:
thebody · 14/08/2013 12:04

I think you should wait and see how you feel after the birth as you can't predict how you will feel then now if you see what I mean.

you might sail through the birth and feel great or you might not.

teens should be helpful with younger ones to he honest or they may be bored out of their skulls seeing a new baby.

any event why don't you meet for lunch so no cooking and ask them back. I mean his much mess can they make? your dh and sil/ mil will sort that out surely.

as for dividing/ excluding steps and biological children don't do that.

BrokenSunglasses · 14/08/2013 12:14

Your SIL is probably aware it might be a bit too much from what you have said, but if she's not confident doing the journey without her DP then she will have to consider him too. If he wants to bring his dc considering that they will be away from home for a few days and paying out to do the journey and stay in a hotel, then that fair enough.

Maybe you could give some helpful suggestions of local child friendly attractions that the younger children would like to do. That way they might not be hanging around at your house because they will have other things they want to see and do as well.

Perhaps your DH could have some bonding time with his future BIL and they could take the children out while mil and SIL spend time with you and the baby.

mrsjay · 14/08/2013 12:16

I think you are being mean these step children are family id limit them all and not have them all descend on you at once

Original poster
sheeplikessleep · 14/08/2013 12:17

Brokensunglasses - that is a good idea, to suggest DH takes future BIL and all the kids out. That will overcome my concerns that SIL and MIL will feel a bit on 'shifts' and on limited time with the new baby.

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 14/08/2013 12:21

I don't expect that any of the children are going to be that fussed about the baby after they've had a quick cuddle. Therefore get the 2 DHs to take all the kids out for the day (including lunch), leaving you, SIL, MIL & new baby in peace & quiet for a few hours.

I agree that a house full is too much just after having a baby, but presumably they can leave visiting for a few weeks so at least you're out of the dressing gown stage?

Shelby2010 · 14/08/2013 12:21

X post!

Loobylou123 · 14/08/2013 12:25

As there are quite a few of them and they aren't staying with you, I would just ask that they rotate who visits so you don't have everyone at once. I think that's a reasonable request after having given birth and having a new baby to look after.

I plan to restrict people (other than parents and PIL) to an hour or so whether they have any children or not - I think any more than that on top of a new baby, sleepless nights etc is just too much. I am restricting any refreshments offered to tea and biscuits too - that way anyone will have to leave if they get hungry!

I read some great advice on a previous thread - can't find it to link it now. The poster said that if it is too much or someone overstays their welcome, announce feeding time and explain that you and baby will both take a nap afterwards so start saying your goodbyes. Even the thickest of skins should get the hint and leave after they have been said goodbye to!

Original poster
sheeplikessleep · 14/08/2013 12:28

Shelby - SIL has already said to me to get a move on, so they can visit during school hols, so I think they will visit quickly.

I will talk to DH tonight. Thanks all, I will tread carefully, but there are some good ideas here to keep me sane, as well as make sure SIL and MIL get some quality time too.

All this has got my Brixton hicks started again, so best to and get a drink and some food! Thanks all.

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 14/08/2013 12:29

Definitely mean to leave out your SIL children. Your brother is going to be their step father and that means family. 12 people in one go could be tough going when you have just had a baby but they are all family and there shouldn't be any kind of discrimination against the step children. How do you think they would feel? Treat others as you would want them to treat you and yours.

Original poster
sheeplikessleep · 14/08/2013 12:32

Loony, that's all good advice, but for relatives who are travelling a distance, it's harder. Ie on the first day, check in will be mid pm, on last day, check out will be 10 or 11 at the hotel.

They've got to go somewhere. There are some farms, country parks, zoo nearby. Just hope it isn't raining! I just need to get my head round the fact that it isn't rude to ask them not to all be here all day, for days on end.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 14/08/2013 12:33

I think no children is a better plan. You could suggest she and your MIL get the train and your DH will go collect them from the station to avoid them having to do the drive.

eurochick · 14/08/2013 12:33

I agree with the majority here. I completely understand your concerns about numbers but using a bio/non-bio cut off is pretty rude.

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