To ask SIL to hold off bringing her stepchildren down for the first post-baby visit?

[sheeplikessleep]

SIL getting married next year. She has two kids of her own (teens) and her DH to be has two younger DC.

I am nearly 38 weeks pregnant, expecting DC3. They live 5 hours away. They are intending to bring down all four kids + the two of them and my MIL in the weeks after DC3 is born.

They will all be staying in a hotel. I am still a bit concerned about having 12 people in our house all at once during the day, particularly having all the kids haring around, in the weeks after giving birth.

DH has mentioned to her that for the first visit, could we just limit numbers a bit. She has already had the conversation with her fiancée about whether its appropriate to bring step-children or not. Apparently her fiancée wants to bring them.

AIBU? I know all four are now her children and immediate family, but I am a bit worried she is going to be a bit offended. Should I just suck it up for 2 or 3 days, or stick to my guns and ask her to just bring her two biological children?

Just to reiterate ... I will not differentiate step-kids. I take that on board, loud and clear

Thanks all for posting, appreciated

I don't get the problem really, I think if I was SIL I wouldn't ask to bring them or my new dh.

This is your husbands sisters, husbands children. So about as far from a relation to you or your children as its possible to get.

The kids probably don't want to come to see Dads new wifes brothers baby either.

I never want to be part of a blended family!

Could you meet up for lunsh or an evening meal rather than have them all at your house?

What about if they all come down but don't all visit at once I'm sure between them all the can take it in turns a few at a time and then all meet up for a meal or something so you don't have everyone in your house at once

I'd be saying things like "I thought dh and BIL could take the younger ones to the zoo / soft play / park so they are not too bored. Will your teens want to hang out eith us or go with the others?"

And investigate local pubs for a reasonably priced lunch!

It's the mealtimes and sheer number that unnerves me and I do have a 'feed them up' mentality when we have guests. I guess with staying in a hotel, I feel like they will just be waiting there, which makes me feel guilty!

I need to talk to DH and set a plan in place ie ask them to eat lunch on route, they all visit for a cuppa, then boys go off with kids for afternoon (leaving me, baby, mil and SIL here), then we all meet up for an early tea.

Then a couple of hours in morning again with all. That sounds fine, I just need DH to ask them to stay for one night only. I still feel a bit control freakery, but I've learnt from this thread that is better than differentiating!

Could you not spend some time out? Small babies tend to just sleep in their car seats afterall. .. and it means you have a time all together as a family. A few weeks in, I was shattered, but on the whole its nice to just get out. I wouldn't want everyone in my house because 1. its stressful, and 2. I would end up with more stuff to clean and tidy.
I would find it very upsetting to be the children that got left behind. either all of them, or none of them imo.

I think you need to be honest with your in-laws too, in a very open way.
Tell them you are worried about how you are going to cope with things like meals if you are cluster feeding or not getting any sleep? ask them if they have an idea of how things could best be organised.
Honesty works best, usually, so just invite them into planning the hurdle jumping with you

And if all else fails ....concentrate on yourself and the baby, take another posters' idea of heading off for a nap if it looks stressful, and leave your DH to sort it out. Including pizza delivery for 12, if needed.

I don't see the problem at all.

Having different households sometimes means the other members of each household have things that do not include you just the same as you may have things that do not include the others.

And if I was in a relationship with someone who was going to visit a family new baby I wouldn't dream of even assuming my kids were going I would know it was a no no.

Why can you not tell them to bring their own food and get in paper plates, bowls, cups and tell them they are on duty?