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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dread the next dress fitting? re: dm

55 replies

OctopusPete8 · 14/08/2013 11:09

I am getting married soon, my dm is helping a lot can't fault her for that.
Although when women talk about that moment where there mums tear up and say lovely things about their daughter will not happen for me.
First time I tried on some dresses , there was some mild niceties , but spent most of the time tearing it to pieces and 'well you're on about loosing a bit more weight aren't you?'
And preceded to say more than once, how good a lot of these dresses would have looked on her when she was bride (s12 back then) and how a mermaid dress would have look great on her as she had the figure.
She's always been like this but those comments drew a few horrified/pitied looks from the fitters which begged the question.....is it just me?
Of course she's always been like this, but always been told I'm too defensive im just like *** and learnt not to challenge her what appears to me self absorbed/critical behaviour.
I am overweight, quite so I'm not questioning that. but still you surely want to make your DD feel nice on their wedding day?
The recent fitting she just as soon as she came in , it was tight on my stomach but I do plan to address that, otherwise it looked ok.
All she went on about was the stomach area, and "no chocolate,for you" and "get on that bike" really loudly in the shop.
I left very :/ and sort of wish she hadn't come, all she mentioned in the car on the way home was this.
And in general all she talks about or wants to talk about is weight.
Now....she's planning to take the day off for my next one ....I'm dreading to be honest.
AIBU to dread it?

OP posts:
Shrugged · 14/08/2013 11:16

Congratulations on getting married. YANBU, your mother, however much she is helping out in other ways, is undermining your confidence ahead of a day when you want to feel secure and happy. I'm not one for wedding dress shop teariness myself - I went along with a friend looking for a wedding dress, and we both laughed so much at styles that looked ridiculous on her that the staff were open-mouthed at our lack of reverence - but she is not being helpful.

The notion of the pre-wedding diet does seem to make some women completely crazy, though. One neighbour of my parents made all her three bridesmaids diet along with her...

Shrugged · 14/08/2013 11:17

PS. Tell her that if she can't keep her rude comments to herself, she isn't welcome to the next fitting.

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 14/08/2013 11:17

Change the appointment and don't tell her when it is.
She sounds a bit like my narcissistic mother.

RenterNomad · 14/08/2013 11:18

Arrange the fitting before her day off and take someone else, and you will see how a a normal person treats you.

What disgusting behaviour!

CaptainSweatPants · 14/08/2013 11:18

go without her, she sounds awful

take a supportive friend with you instead

or even mil to be? is she nice?

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 14/08/2013 11:19

thanks for the replies,

im dress shopping with her soon wonder if I should give her a taste of her own medicine....Grin

nah I'm not that nasty.

OP posts:
littlewhitebag · 14/08/2013 11:20

My mum is like that. She is tiny and skinny and can't understand why everyone else is not like her. When I went wedding dress shopping she asked if I was going to lose weight. I replied with " no, they make wedding dresses in a size 14." She never mentioned it again and my dress was in a size 14. I lost not an ounce before my wedding.

SalaciousBCrumb · 14/08/2013 11:21

She sounds a nightmare, unkind and full of herself.

(BUT - if you're planning on getting married "soon", then don't buy a dress which is too tight across your stomach - why put that pressure on yourself especially if not much time to go? Just buy one which suits you, as you are, now, and if you lose any weight that's a bonus. You can bet your bottom dollar that if you want to lose it off your tummy you'll lose it off your boobs or something instead.)

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 14/08/2013 11:23

My mums a larger lady now, she used to be slim haha makes it worse.

Its being made for me Sal, otherwise I'm with you 100%

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 14/08/2013 11:28

Step away, your mum is being deliberately mean to you, those are nasty things to say, she might, if confronted claim she's just saying it because it's true and not to hurt you, that you are being over sensitive, but the truth is she's being nasty and insulting you. Its not wrong for you to be insulted when someone is rude, it's wrong for them to be rude. As its your mum doing this you've probably had a lifetime of her bring rude them blaming the insulted person for getting upset at her insults, don't fall for it.

If I was you, I'd consider she's lost her wedding involvement privileges, so change the dress fitting date (if you can't face telling she's not welcome, say theyve had to cancel it, your going to call to reschedule and just forget to tell her the new date). Don't go shopping with her, don't involve her with details. She's going to put a downer on your wedding so reduce her chances of doing that.

After the wedding you can think long term how you deal with her, personally I'd just keep her chances for insulting or belittling you to a minimum

HorryIsUpduffed · 14/08/2013 11:28

I remember DM's first sight of me in a wedding dress and her response: "Oh dear, you really don't look good in white" plus catsbum expression.

I did a lot of dress trying on, often with my bridesmaid. Scoping out what exists before you get a handle on what you actually like can be helpful. You could do some of the preliminary trips with friends or even on your own.

Good luck Smile Thanks Wine

HorryIsUpduffed · 14/08/2013 11:31

Oh, I missed that it's being made for you. In that case you don't really need anyone else there, do you? Have all the shape and fabric decisions been made already? Go on your own or take your most flattering friend.

I had mine made. Two weeks before the wedding I caught a horrendous D&V bug and plummeted a dress size. The poor dressmaker was tearing her hair out Grin

Sparklysilversequins · 14/08/2013 11:37

Shock I honestly don't understand Mumd like this, I am quite sure I will be a teary mess when I see my girl trying on wedding dresses.

However I never did the wedding dress thing in EITHER of my weddings but my sister told me our Mum was a po faced misery guts at her fitting because my Dad had offered to pay for the tiara and veil and Mum had the hump about the price Grin.

Sparklysilversequins · 14/08/2013 11:37

Mums

LadyBigtoes · 14/08/2013 11:38

My mum would do this, which is one of several reasons why she would never ever get to come to a dress fitting with me, if I had one.

You don't have to put up with it. You can just change it and don't tell her when it is. You don't have to make it look deliberate - if you like you could lie and say the shop called you in at a moment's notice so you had to go without her. But you could also say "I'm going to this one on my own as I would like to enjoy it without comments about my weight." And take a nice friend.

I often wonder why my mum sees fit to pick my weight to bits when it is not something she would say to a friend. It's not on, it's rude and hurtful.

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 14/08/2013 11:59

Thanks I am worried about the well its true etc response..

but the performance at the first place was an eyeopener, I was like can It just be my day??.

OP posts:
TravelinColour · 14/08/2013 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2013 12:09

Go to the fitting on your own and just tell her afterwards.

higgle · 14/08/2013 12:10

My mother is like this, she once told me to stay out of the county she lives in until I'd lost weight!

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 14/08/2013 14:27

wtf! higgle!! was she being serious!! god no mines not said that yet.

OP posts:
Greydog · 14/08/2013 14:32

go by yourself or with a friend. You don't need this miserable old bat sniping at you (Can bats snipe?)

daftdame · 14/08/2013 14:37

Oh my Mum, according to her, was stunning when she was younger. Perfect skin, completely flat stomach - sticky out hip bones, make up looked wrong on her because her skin was soo peachy... All told to a teen worrying about a few spots, round stomach, (even though I was tiny still) and round backside (huge according to DM).

I used to think well it didn't last long, your stomach is bigger than mine, you are no better than me now and I don't like your flat backside you cow! Was definitely a stroppy teen but at least I kept my self respect. Grin Good job I still love her eh...

MOTU · 14/08/2013 14:46

Presumably you haven't gained a ton of weight since your fiancé proposed? So therefore he loves you as you are. Lose weight for yourself, no one else and to be honest your mother sounds like she can't bare the spotlight being on someone else, ignore her sniping and disinvited from the next fitting. Enjoy your wedding day I'm sure you'll look marvellous-everyone is radiant and beautiful on their wedding day as long as they are marrying the one they love!

Crinkle77 · 14/08/2013 14:48

My mum is exactly the same. She has always been critical of us. When we were younger and living at home we would come down stairs after getting ready to go out and she would always have some negative comment about our skirts being too short or having too much eye make up on. It really used to annoy me that she couldn't say anything nice. But I have just learned to ignore her. I don't think she means it. She never had a good relationship with her mother and just don't think she knows how to say nice things.

EldritchCleavage · 14/08/2013 14:51

I have the 'Gosh, there are so many fat people here!' conversation with my mother wherever we go now. She's the skinny daughter of an obese mother, and has always strictly controlled her weight.

I don't like talking about weight/size/diets with her, can't explain it but there's a weirdness there I don't want to explore. After a few clashes she knows not to talk about my weight now (too high after last pregnancy but coming down) because I'm either being told what to eat because I'm too big or my diet is working and she's panicking about me dying from my low-carb diet.

Now I have to work out how to stop her talking about very overweight people in front of the children. Any comment from me won't go down well, but I don't want them picking up on her stigmatising distaste/negativity.