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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dread the next dress fitting? re: dm

55 replies

OctopusPete8 · 14/08/2013 11:09

I am getting married soon, my dm is helping a lot can't fault her for that.
Although when women talk about that moment where there mums tear up and say lovely things about their daughter will not happen for me.
First time I tried on some dresses , there was some mild niceties , but spent most of the time tearing it to pieces and 'well you're on about loosing a bit more weight aren't you?'
And preceded to say more than once, how good a lot of these dresses would have looked on her when she was bride (s12 back then) and how a mermaid dress would have look great on her as she had the figure.
She's always been like this but those comments drew a few horrified/pitied looks from the fitters which begged the question.....is it just me?
Of course she's always been like this, but always been told I'm too defensive im just like *** and learnt not to challenge her what appears to me self absorbed/critical behaviour.
I am overweight, quite so I'm not questioning that. but still you surely want to make your DD feel nice on their wedding day?
The recent fitting she just as soon as she came in , it was tight on my stomach but I do plan to address that, otherwise it looked ok.
All she went on about was the stomach area, and "no chocolate,for you" and "get on that bike" really loudly in the shop.
I left very :/ and sort of wish she hadn't come, all she mentioned in the car on the way home was this.
And in general all she talks about or wants to talk about is weight.
Now....she's planning to take the day off for my next one ....I'm dreading to be honest.
AIBU to dread it?

OP posts:
specialsubject · 14/08/2013 14:59

you are an adult and can choose your own clothes. Go on your own.

LadyBigtoes · 14/08/2013 15:47

That strikes a chord Eldritch. My mum is openly convinced fat people are somehow morally lacking and are disgusting because they look awful and have no self-control (her words). She will say this out loud in front of my DC! I always argue against her and point out that there are many reasons why it may be and it doesn't stop you being a wonderful person etc etc.

I'm glad my DC so far have never remarked on anyone's weight but my mum always does her best to bring it up Hmm

SimplyRedHead · 14/08/2013 15:55

I was absolutely thrilled with my dress and took my mum to see it. I was all ready for a teary, poignant moment and all I got was 'what on earth is your sister going to wear with THAT' catbum, nose turned up as if smelling poo!

My other bridesmaid cried and I cried when I went with her to see her dress.

fluffyraggies · 14/08/2013 15:55

Yes OP, go on your own or with a supportive friend. You do not need negative comments about the dress you are going to wear on the biggest day of your life! I think all brides look just lovely, i bet you look fab in your dress.

Could it be jealousy from your mum?

My mum has form for this type of behaviour. She will gleefully observe a pound or two going on round my hips, but when i lost 3 stone in 8 months a few years ago (to the point of almost taking it too far) she never once mentioned my weight loss! Everyone else around me, including my lovely dad, was saying things like wow fluffy, looking good! But nothing from mum. When i went back to my natural dark brown from (years of) bleach blond everyone said it took years off me and it looked good. Mum? Oh i liked it blond. This makes you look old Hmm Niiiice.

Good luck with your big day OP - enjoy it all to the full! Let us know what the dress is like?

FobblyWoof · 14/08/2013 16:22

Yanbu.

I found it bad enough when (a couple of years ago when I was casually planning my wedding with dp) I went with my mum and sister to try on dresses to get an idea and they (mainly dm) proceeded to say that I needed to tan before the day (no I don't, I like being pale). I also ended up trying on a navy prom dress they just to get an idea for shapes as it was a similar shape to what I'd always pictured. Dm then starts suggesting I get married in blue because it suited me more than white/ivory Hmm Confused Even when I said no, I want traditional colours she atoll kept hammering it home to the point where ahe was seriously suggesting I get married I that particular dress. it was a prom dress ffs. Lovely for a prom, pretty shitty finish, material and look for a wedding dress Hmm Hmm And then after both her and sister told me how much weight I had to lose!

That was just once and I still remember how shitty it made me feel three years later.

Neither of them are welcome to come dress shopping when I eventually do get married. They had their chance. I'd go without your dm if I was you op!

eurochick · 14/08/2013 16:27

Don't take her with you. I didn't have anyone with me at any of my dress fittings. It doesn't need to be a "thing". It's just someone putting a few pins in a dress.

Whothefuckfarted · 14/08/2013 16:41

Oh FGS, tell her not to be so bloody rude.

daftdame · 14/08/2013 16:46

Make her try a dress on which you know is a size to small? Wink

daftdame · 14/08/2013 16:49

Have you read the Twits by Roald Dahl?

Remember the walking stick, where the husband actually convinces the wife she is shrinking by glueing small pieces to the bottom of her walking stick and chair every so often? (Wah, hah, hah!!!!)

daftdame · 14/08/2013 16:53

If you have ever tried those measure your fat scales, convince her to go on them - woman's setting. Change your own setting to man's setting (or maybe even athlete's, you'd have to experiment) Also wet your feet (makes you more conductive. Percentage always comes out a good 10% higher on women's setting!

ComtesseDeFrouFrou · 14/08/2013 17:00

Sigh. My mother was like this - she made rude, insensitive comments and then denied it later. We spent at least 4 times as much time agonising talking about her outfit than we did mine.

Nip it in the bud now or you will not enjoy the rest of your wedding preparations. Your DM can at least be tactful even if something genuinely doesn't suit you.

Amy106 · 14/08/2013 17:13

Yikes! That's just plain mean. She has seen the dress and she can see it again at the wedding. Change your fitting appointment and just don't tell her. Go alone or with a supportive friend. Don't let the wedding become all about your mother and not about you and future dh.

redmayneslips · 14/08/2013 18:03

Oh yes, I can empathise with you. I found my dream outfit, was a coat and dress (winter wedding), it was a PERFECT fit (size 10 then and 5ft 9") thought I was looking fantastic when I put it all together for the first time with the shoes etc. Came out of my room to show her, I was fully expecting her to get all tearful or soppy. Instead, she casts a critical eye over me, pauses at my very flat stomach and utters 'not an ounce more!' I was LIVID and to be honest it really pissed me off and we are 10 years married this year and I still think about it. Why could she not just have said 'you look beautiful' or anything nice? Things like that chip away at a relationship and I didn't feel the same after that.

Also for my wedding, my sister had a gorgeous dress as bridesmaid, not traditional wedding wear as it was not a traditional wedding. She is a size 8 but far better endowed in the bosom department than I am. Her dress had a v-neck and there was a matching camisole under it which lessened the 'V' - anyway mother looks at her and sniffs 'hmm.....you;ll have the vicar's eye out with those!' catsbummouth face. My sister was disgusted as it was a gorgeous dress and very appropriate.

I have a dd and I have made a mental note NEVER to say crap like this to her, no matter what

specialsubject · 14/08/2013 18:10

oh, and if all your mum can talk about is weight, try to change the subject. If she is still so boring, see less of her!

incidentally I hope it won't be the biggest or best day of your life. It is a one-day party and I hope you have plenty more big and great days to come.

MrsLouisTheroux · 14/08/2013 18:14

Tell her you are going alone next time. If you really can't do that, on this occasion you must lie tell her a fib. Rearrange the fitting day and tell her that you got the dates muddled up. Do something else wedding related on the day she takes off work.

MrsLouisTheroux · 14/08/2013 18:17

I would probably just say "If you come with me to the next fitting, I only want to hear the positives, if you can't do that, I'd rather go alone"

SimplyRedHead · 14/08/2013 23:21

Is it time for a 'did you mean to be so rude?'!

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 15/08/2013 09:42

Possibly I've never said it irl , a first for everything!!!,
I'm off shopping with her today.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 15/08/2013 09:46

You wouldn't accept behaviour like that from a friend so why accept it from your mum?

I'd actually be very direct and tell her you are going alone as you find her rude about your weight.

But then I say that as someone who has cut off her ownmother after 32 years for similar reasons.

JedwardScissorhands · 15/08/2013 10:21

My DM does this about other people. It's awful. I have a friend whose name she doesn't use, she will say 'oh, have you been out with...' and then just puff her cheeks out and pull a face. Also makes comments about weight in front of the DCs, like Eldritch's DM.I don't engage with it at all, I just talk loudly over her about something else.

If she could pick on my weight, she would. However I am much thinner than she has ever been. Consequently she constantly suggests I need new clothes, her more glamorous make up etc etc

sameoldIggi · 15/08/2013 10:23

I have a very good relationship with my dm, but even so I was disappointed that neither at the fitting she attended, or on the day itself did she say anything about me looking nice in the dress I'd picked.

I'd think it was pretty standard behaviour, I automatically tell any bride how lovely she looks, never mind if it was my own daughter!

Famzilla · 15/08/2013 10:29

My mum is also the same, have written many a thread about her and we're still not talking as I wouldn't let her arrange my entire wedding.

She used to be a model as well, and seemed to take pleasure in telling me so again and again and again

Go by yourself, make up some lame excuse and if she doesn't believe you then tell her the truth. She won't understand your reason, will probably start gaslighting and such but what would you prefer?

Famzilla · 15/08/2013 10:35

I do agree that there are better moments in life than a wedding day though, and that there isn't anything special requiring an audience about having a few pins stuck in a dress. But each to their own I suppose!

fackinell · 15/08/2013 10:58

YADNBU but why not nip it in the bud now? Tell her you want to share this special moment with her but her comments are making you feel bad about yourself and taking the shine off the experience.

Tell her you'd like to hear positive comments about your many good parts (that shade really illuminates your skin tone, etc) and suggest you give it another go. If she does the same I'd let her gently know that you'll take a friend along. You don't want comments like this on your big day, I'd fix it now.

Diamondsareagirls · 15/08/2013 15:05

Oh OP, I don't know why this happens to mothers. I have to keep promising myself I will never do this with my DD. The day before my wedding we called in to the shop to pick up my dress; I was really excited and the women in the shop were making a big fuss of me. My DM stood looking at the dress in the window and then turned around and said "Oh, Diamonds, I wish that dress was here when we chose yours. Oh, what a shame we will have to settle for yours now...etc." I was so upset and the woman in the shop had to discretely tell her to shut up. Bless that woman!

Ignore her, I am sure you look beautiful in yours and your DP will love you in it :)

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