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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

lazy teenagers

54 replies

alemci · 14/08/2013 11:05

I have given up. Have come back off holiday last week and left 2 elder dds who had work committments (18,19. slightly better this year and house looked superficially clean but bathroom grimey etc.

now it has fallen into the pattern of again me doing all the work and them sleeping, one rang on the door this morning and woke me up after going for a run. not helping, not putting their stuff away etc.

I have come to the conclusion that I will not be going in their rooms to collect washing and if they want it doing, they must sort it out and bring it to me.

my yd wouldn't even take her clean clothes up yesterday and they don't do anything like unstacking dishwasher. they did clear up after a meal after i cooked it.

there is extra stuff in the house as my ED is back from uni and they have had a fundraiser event which is brilliant but means we have ended up with extra stuff in the house which again they won't deal with.

I will grin and bear it as dd will be back at uni in sept and other dd will be going away in Sept for a few months but will she ever finish tidying up and sorting out her room?

I like a clean tidy house but what can i do? i have done with shouting and ranting IYSWIM

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 14/08/2013 11:09

When my dd's stuff becomes too much, I put it a bag and dump it in her room. It still never gets sorted but at least I can't see it.

I am trying to get her to come and help me do the weekly shop (she's low-carbing and I have no idea what to buy) but she's just got up and can't be bothered.

Beastofburden · 14/08/2013 11:23

Blimey do you actually still do their washing? You are nicer than me. I only do washing for my youngest as he has a disability and can't manage that.

There are some asa where they will be motivated, but they won't include cleaning up and tidying as they don't care. So I would do those areas myself and make them responsible for areas where there is a clear problem to them, if they don't do it.

Ignore their washing. This is one area that is self limiting. Vanity says they will want clean clothes before long, then they can wash them.

Also, if they are unreliable about clearing up, fine. You take on the clearing up after meals. They become responsible for cooking them. Every evening. If they don't, you get yourself a takeaway and leave them to it.

Beastofburden · 14/08/2013 11:24

Youthecat, shop as normal and when she whines, tell her to go shopping for what she wants separately. Next time, she will come with you as at least it means you pay and she gets a lift.

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits · 14/08/2013 11:25

My two (16/19) have just got up .I really empathsize. The level of entitlement is mind numbing. When dd1 goes to uni im changing the locks!

Theas18 · 14/08/2013 11:27

I'll wash if it's in the washing bin when I'm doing it. If I'm feeling kind I'll announce " washing going on ... bring out your dead!"

I will cook for those who are in but I expect table setting/squash making/clearing up type help.

DD1 is home for a bit. I think I'll write a list of things maybe rather than just " keep the house reasonable" because it's clear her " reasonable" and my ( really very low standards) "reasonable" differs rather !

littlewhitebag · 14/08/2013 11:28

I do washing if it is in the washing basket. I don't iron DD1's clothes at her request. When I go to work leave a list of things I expect to be done. They know better than to ignore it if they want dinner. DD1 is a terrible cook. DD2 is better. I think mine are terrified not to do as I ask. You are obviously not scary enough!

Stricnine · 14/08/2013 11:38

I'm another one who only washes clothes if they're in the laundry - rule applies for both DD and DH :)

Got a massive fright the other morning when DD voluntarily asked if I needed anything washed as she was putting one on !! so they do change eventually... and she will do her own ironing if she wants to look good - I refuse to iron her stuff for it to then be left on the 'floordrobe' :)

shopping we've not quite got the hang of yet - she's prone to asking questions like .. "have we got any .... " fill in whatever fresh, short shelf life item you can think of! but we're getting there, slowly...

NooothingMuma · 14/08/2013 11:53

The thing that really irks me is that mine are too lazy to even sit down properly.

They don't bend in order for their lazy arses to reach the sofa, they just seem to drop from a great height over 6ft

Dd1 does bake/make puddings quite regularly, Dd2will occasionally do dishes, Dd3 wants to do all housework but is only 3 and cant reach the cobwebs

Beastofburden · 14/08/2013 12:10

Lets face it, housework is boring and nobody wants to do it if they can help it. As I work out of the home these days, we have a cleaner, so there is less to squabble over.

I suppose you could employ a cleaner, and explain that sadly this unavoidable cost prevents you from putting up their allowances this year....

Original poster

alemci · 14/08/2013 12:28

no i don't iron their stuff either anymore apart from occasionally when it is clogging up the ironing basket. that is the problem.

i remember ironing from 16 and my mum telling me to do my ironing and i think i did do it.

i tended to go around gathering washing up in the past so that there was a full coloured wash for instance but i think i do need to stop as it causes resentment

OP posts:

Beastofburden · 14/08/2013 12:33

Alemci, can you explain a bit more? What is the problem - is it stuff clogging up the basket, or that you don't wash for them?

Original poster

alemci · 14/08/2013 12:39

i think the main problem is the total lack of help around the house. i have done some of their washing and then they won't put it away. i asked YD to take a pile of stuff to her room that i had sorted out and washed and she said she didn't have the space??

they are nice dc and they have just been in the local paper about their fundraiser but their creative spirit does get in the way and results in mess here and chaos.

OP posts:

Lj8893 · 14/08/2013 12:42

beastofburden allowances?!? They are 18 and 19!!!!

If they want their washing done, they can do it themselves.

If they arnt going to help clean up after dinner, don't cook for them.

If they then cook for themselves but don't clean up after themselves dump thier dirty plates etc on thier bed.

Any mess etc that they don't clear up, shove it in thier room, that way you don't have to see it and hopefully they will get the message!

jacks365 · 14/08/2013 12:44

Dd1 came home from a fortnight's holiday and sorted her washing into two piles straight away - on her bedroom floor - she was asked to bring them down so I could wash them two days later dd2 got fed up and did them for her, roll on september and uni and college restarting because they are driving me up the wall. 12.43 and dd1 is still in her dressing gown.

frostyfingers · 14/08/2013 12:46

I did my own washing and ironing from the age of 13 - my DT's (18) are driving me nuts with their resemblance to a pair of sloths. They would stay in bed 24/7 given half the chance, complain bitterly when I wake them up at 9.30 (why did you get me up so early), complain when they've eaten all the food and generally stumble around the house looking hard done by.

I did their washing and cleaning whilst they did exams, but have been on strike since and they now have to dodge the pile of dirty clothes on their bathroom floor. I absolutely refuse to do it for them. They also have to be nagged to shower (whilst at college it was every day, now the idea of a wash seems utterly alien). I have asked them to put together a budget for uni (please god let tomorrow go ok), sort out a student bank account and fix driving lessons and they have done none of it. I have given up shouting and keep telling myself to ignore it, but god it's hard.

melika · 14/08/2013 12:47

DS1 18 yrs is sleeping somewhere else coming back for money and clean clothes only, bedroom a squat. DS2 14 yrs still in bed, room a squat.

beat that.

cozietoesie · 14/08/2013 12:51

Squat at home and squat at college.

jerryfudd · 14/08/2013 12:57

I'm starting training early - 4 year olds know if washing not put in basket (and left on bedroom floor) mommy does not wash it.

cozietoesie · 14/08/2013 13:01

Hah jerryfudd

Come back when they've started school and propose going in Gawd Knows Dirty What.

YouTheCat · 14/08/2013 13:11

To be fair to dd, she sorts her own washing out (I just put the washing liquid and softener in as she gets the drawers mixed up fgs).

So she puts it in and gets it out when it's ready to be hung up.

And she has run the hoover round the living room and had a bit of a tidy while I did the shopping.

She does cook for herself if she's going to be out at tea time (but she never washes up).

She made me a chilli once, as a surprise. My god it was awful but I had to eat it as she'd gone to so much effort. So I really don't mind if she just cooks for herself.

melika · 14/08/2013 13:15

We all start with good intentions.

'Put the dirty clothes in the basket, if its not dirty, fold it and put back into cupboard'.

Ten years, later still saying it but works even less now, than then.

mrsjay · 14/08/2013 13:19

DD1 manages perfectly fine when we are away on holiday she does the washing dishes sweeps up and even puts some bleach down the toilet, we come back and she reverts to a slob she is 20 drives me mad we had a bit of a tiff about it this morning, she works and manages when we are not here least she can do is put her washing in the basket and maybe a dish n the dishwasher,

Original poster

alemci · 14/08/2013 13:42

I am used to ed being at uni. yd always ducks out. ds youngest slightly better and needs lift and money today so will do some things.

it's reassuring to learn I am not the only parent having this situation.

OP posts:

CharmingCats · 14/08/2013 13:45

I don't have teenagers, but can remember being one and not wanting to get up or do much in the summer holidays. I've also run parenting programmes for parents of teenagers, so understand your points of view completely. Also makes me feel embarrassed about my own behaviour as a teen.
Would a family meeting help? You all sit down together, say how the situation makes you feel -resentful etc- ask them how they feel about it all. They'll probably mention nagging etc.
Come up with a list of tasks and frequency together and then divvy them out. Could be weekly or daily. Then have a family treat if you all pull your weight. Tip to the cinema, take away...whatever. You agree the treat at the beginning and all work towards it. Agree that you will only be doing the tasks you have agreed to (and stick to it) and that there will be no reward if they have not done their share. Then the onus is not on you to do everything or manage it. Stick the list on the fridge and see how it goes. Might be worth a try. I know it seems a bit forced or trite, but the most valuable bit is the talking about the feelings in a calm way and devising the rota together. Hopefully this will become routine and won't need rewards other than living in a tidy, clean house and wearing clean clothes!

TabithaStephens · 14/08/2013 14:16

Stop giving them allowances, they are adults! Tell them to get jobs if they want money.

Stop treating them like babies.

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