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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about DH and playing football?

59 replies

DragonMamma · 13/08/2013 22:06

I genuinely don't know with this one.

Backstory is: I was a SAHM until recently, although I worked one night in the week and alternate weekends in the evenings. Now our roles are reversed because DH was made redundant 4 weeks ago, so he is a SAHD (without the PT hours) and I am working FT.

When he joined this team last season I said that I didn't think it was fair on me and us as a family to play every weekend (they also train in the week) as it takes up a whole Saturday afternoon and means we can't really do anything that day because he usually leaves around midday to get to wherever they were playing. Also, I didn't really want to have to solely look after the DC's (now 5 and 2) all Saturday afternoon with no car because I look after them solely Mon-Fri and would like a bit of back up and time to do things as a family. It also used to mean he would be walking through the door as I was leaving to work until Midnight that evening. So very reluctantly he agreed to play EOW although he always huffed and puffed if I told him he 'couldn't play' on the weekends in between, even though this was the initial agreement.

So the pre-season friendlies have started tonight (not a problem) and he has a match on Saturday, which is fine. I reminded him that we had agreed to EOW and that I still think this is fair because of the reasons stated above. Also, if I were to go down the equal time off road and have say Sunday afternoon off then we would have absolutely no time to do things as a family. I am quite happy to forgo my 'me time', which I didn't really regularly anyway, and spend it together as a family instead of losing a whole day at the weekend.

AIBU to think training midweek and playing every other Saturday is a fair compromise? He's whining and moaning that there's no point in playing at all. I get that he likes to play but he does also have a young family...surely this is reasonable?!

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 13/08/2013 22:11

If he plays for a team though I don't think it would be possible for him just to dip in and out when he (you) likes though?

I think he might be right in saying there's no point doing it at all.

Original poster

DragonMamma · 13/08/2013 22:16

It's just a pub team and the rest of the players seem to dip in and out because of work/other commitments and they all get to play, they are very errr, lax at the whole thing really. Except for DH who thinks he's playing for England.

They were fine with EOW last year?

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 13/08/2013 22:52

It's not every week all year though is it?

MrsHoarder · 13/08/2013 22:56

But presumably the op doesn't want to go Aug-march without any time to herself? Yanbu

ilovesooty · 13/08/2013 22:56

And I can see Bowlersarm's point. If he feels committed to working for his place in the team, every other week might seem pointless. They can't be completely lax if they train. Do they play in a competitive league? Do you and the children ever watch him play?

Original poster

DragonMamma · 13/08/2013 23:02

ilovesooty they play in a league although it's a friendly type thing. We went once to cheer him on as we had 2 cars that day but if we went down with him now we'd be hanging around for an hour before KO then almost 2hrs for the match and then waiting for them to get changed. My youngest would never manage that I'm afraid!

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 13/08/2013 23:06

Yes, I can see that would be problematic given the waiting around.

However: I reminded him that we had agreed to EOW and that I still think this is fair because of the reasons stated above

Surely now your work circumstances have changed not all those reasons apply now?

Bowlersarm · 13/08/2013 23:07

OP, it's difficult.

You want us to say of course he's being unreasonable and that he shouldn't be forgoing his family time just so he can play football.

Clearly it is important to him.

Personally, I don't think you can really participate in a team sport half heartedly. You either do it or you don't.

I don't know what your answer is. One of you will be resentful.

ilovesooty · 13/08/2013 23:11

Personally, I don't think you can really participate in a team sport half heartedly. You either do it or you don't

It is a difficult situation and I'm afraid I agree. My heart always sinks a bit when I see people suggesting playing team sports every other week. It sounds as though he really only agreed to it as he thought he wouldn't get to play otherwise. It isn't working for him and you're not happy with him playing weekly.

TeddyPickleStick · 13/08/2013 23:15

God just let him play. If he is a good husband and father and you have no other issues than just let the bloke play football.

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2013 23:18

You're not forgoing your 'me time' because you don't actually want any, do you?

I don't think having a saturday afternoon to himself for a couple of months of the year is too much to ask.

As long as you're welcome to do the same on a Sunday if you actually want to.

Do you live rurally? Is there absolutely no public transport at all on a Saturday afternoon?

FredFredGeorge · 13/08/2013 23:34

I would actually be quite annoyed if my DP decided to always forgo "me time" and always insist on doing things "as a family", since I actually value the time alone with my DD - just me and her. It seems quite selfish of my DP to take that away from us - there's not the need to be together as a group that much of the time, of course that's not needed all the time, especially in the OP's case where her DP has a lot of alone time with the DC.

Of course, if either of us didn't want to use up all their own free time options, then it shouldn't prevent the other from having there's and as I said I think there's an obligation to take it anyway to give your partner and DC time together alone.

So I'd say YABU, the situation is now very different to when he agreed to EOW, and I'd say it more likely that DP now needs activities away from the home even more as he doesn't have the work to take him outside of the family.

ageofgrandillusion · 13/08/2013 23:47

YABU. And i think you're being clingy and controlling. I sometimes wonder why people are together when they seem to make a point of depriving their partners of things they enjoy.

GampyWabbit · 13/08/2013 23:54

YANBU at all

You work full time now and would like to be able to plan family time at the weekend. It is unfair of him to go off each week leaving you alone with two children and without a car. I think EOW is reasonable.

MortifiedAdams · 13/08/2013 23:59

I genuinely cannot understand why he cant.play every Saturday afternoon? There is Sunday and some evenings in the week to spend as a family.

Original poster

DragonMamma · 14/08/2013 06:25

worra I would LOVE some regular time to do what I want but it generally doesn't happen because dh gets a bit huffy as it's him that likes us to be together.

And I'm not sure why but the season didn't end until mid June this is turning in to more than a few months a year.

Public transport here is dire, unreliable and expensive but there are some buses at the weekend.

Maybe aibu then, I just think it stinks a bit because him playing every weekend means it's either give up any chance of me having free time or actually do things with the dc's.

I just thought eow was a compromise that meant we could plan any trips or weekends away around him playing and not have everything confined to a Sunday for 9 months a year!

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 14/08/2013 07:03

It wouldn't work for me. I would then want the same time off on Sunday. That would mean no time together as a family. No weekends away, Sunday dinners all together or family visits. Every other week is fair. Then you get every other Sunday and every other weekend to do something together as a family.

I prefer DH's 'hobby' which is Fri-Sun once a month. Every Sat would piss me off as we like to go away for the weekend. Just having Sunday to fit it all in would be frustrating and we'd end up doing nothing.

So yanbu.

ratbagcatbag · 14/08/2013 07:12

Tough one, can you drop him off so you get the car? Or get him to get a lift? What do you do on the weekends he doesn't play? Do you go out or just sit around the house?

Can he not play every week unless something else is organised?

The reason the season extended last year was due to loads of matches being cancelled due to the snow in jan and march, which meant they had to be rescheduled.

CreatureRetorts · 14/08/2013 07:19

YANBU

Having a family means that life changes.

Can he find a team that plays evenings? My DH used to play in such a team.

fluffyraggies · 14/08/2013 07:24

So, how long is the football season?

I'm in 2 minds here ...

1 - you're not seeing DH from Sat mid-day when he leaves for football till Sunday morning when you get in from work after a night shift. Yes? If you're working every Sat. night how on earth are you expected to be up for much at all on Sunday, family stuff or otherwise? A sad sort of weekend for a family, week in week out. I agree.

Or have i totally got the wrong end of the stick?

2 - If you are are working full time hours, OP, and DH is main carer for the kids all that time, then he deserves his Sat afternoons off really.

If it were a SAHMum here saying her DH didn't like her doing an activity on Sat afternoons and it wasn't fair, it would be a unanimous YANBU i think.

This is a tough one :(

CreatureRetorts · 14/08/2013 07:25

Aug/sep until the following may/june.

SpottyTeacakes · 14/08/2013 07:26

YABU. I'm a sahm (until next month). Dp trains every week (gone for four hours in the evening) and plays every Saturday (usually gone for six hours). I moan about it and get fed up but he loves football and is bloody good at it.

Like you I don't have 'me time' but he wouldn't begrudge me doing something weekly if I wanted to.

Surely it's good for your dh to have a hobby which he enjoys and keeps him fit?

SybilRamkin · 14/08/2013 07:30

YANBU, every weekend for 9 months is way too much IMO if it's stopping you doing things as a family.

If they were ok with every other weekend last year I don't see why they wouldn't be this year.

Maybe you could agree that on his 'home' weekends he can still play unless you have something specific planned (unless he's likely to use this as an excuse to play every weekend and never plan anything!)?

RhondaJean · 14/08/2013 07:32

I think yABVU.

I do understand its frustrating that it's Saturday's but that's when football gets played and it's NOT every week, there's a summer break.

Apart from anything else, it's a healthy thing for him to be doing, it will keep him fit and give him something out of the house to do. I appreciate you were earning but he was in exactly the same position while you were working, one evening and one weekday alone with the kids on top of his working week.

If he was going drinking I would think you had a point, but he's doing something which overall should be good for his physical and mental health. And as part of a team, he couldn't or shouldn't be dipping in and out to appease you, sorry but there is a commitment there.

I just don't think it's that much to ask for really on his part, although I do get the frustration.

patienceisvirtuous · 14/08/2013 07:32

Yabu.

He will lose his place on the team and probably spend most matches on the bench if he dips in and out.

Playing for a team and keeping fit is a positive thing for him. Also, it's not all year round and he won't be able to play football forever

Can you compromise where you also get some time to yourself to do something you enjoy - perhaps a weekday evening (so you can enjoy Sunday as a family)?

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