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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about DH and playing football?

59 replies

DragonMamma · 13/08/2013 22:06

I genuinely don't know with this one.

Backstory is: I was a SAHM until recently, although I worked one night in the week and alternate weekends in the evenings. Now our roles are reversed because DH was made redundant 4 weeks ago, so he is a SAHD (without the PT hours) and I am working FT.

When he joined this team last season I said that I didn't think it was fair on me and us as a family to play every weekend (they also train in the week) as it takes up a whole Saturday afternoon and means we can't really do anything that day because he usually leaves around midday to get to wherever they were playing. Also, I didn't really want to have to solely look after the DC's (now 5 and 2) all Saturday afternoon with no car because I look after them solely Mon-Fri and would like a bit of back up and time to do things as a family. It also used to mean he would be walking through the door as I was leaving to work until Midnight that evening. So very reluctantly he agreed to play EOW although he always huffed and puffed if I told him he 'couldn't play' on the weekends in between, even though this was the initial agreement.

So the pre-season friendlies have started tonight (not a problem) and he has a match on Saturday, which is fine. I reminded him that we had agreed to EOW and that I still think this is fair because of the reasons stated above. Also, if I were to go down the equal time off road and have say Sunday afternoon off then we would have absolutely no time to do things as a family. I am quite happy to forgo my 'me time', which I didn't really regularly anyway, and spend it together as a family instead of losing a whole day at the weekend.

AIBU to think training midweek and playing every other Saturday is a fair compromise? He's whining and moaning that there's no point in playing at all. I get that he likes to play but he does also have a young family...surely this is reasonable?!

OP posts:

NorksAreMessy · 14/08/2013 07:37

It looks like part of the problem is you feeling trapped by lack of a car. A compromise might be that he plays every week, but he has to find another way to get there. Then you get the car and can have some freedom, he gets to have his exercise

Runningchick123 · 14/08/2013 07:37

Being a SAHP is a tough job and can be quite isolating so it is a good thing that your OH has a hobby that he can engage in regularly. Having the opportunity to go and play football and socialise a couple of times a week breaks up the monotony for him and will reduce his chances of depression.

Can he arrange a lift or use public transport to get to training and matches?
I would be inclined to say that it's okay for him to play ever week as long as he gets a lift from somebody else when possible so that you have the use of the car.

ageofgrandillusion · 14/08/2013 07:47

Totally agree re the drinking. Football is a healthy hobby. Maybe you need a hobby OP?

Flicktheswitch · 14/08/2013 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alwayscheerful · 14/08/2013 07:50

My DH is nearly 50 and he has played football on Sunday evenings for 25 years plus. I do find it irritating because it limits what we can do on a Sunday but it would be unfair of me to complain, he works hard all week and playing football keeps him fit. I tolerate it because there is no drinking involved.

Let him play football, he needs time to do man things, better to encourage harmless hobbies. Insist he gets a lift or you drop him off. Try to pop back and show support for a short while, the fresh air will do the children good. If you stop him playing he will resent you.

SpottyTeacakes · 14/08/2013 07:53

Norks makes a good point, couldn't he do a lift share so you get the car every other week?

Dp will miss the odd game if there's something else on but even when it's not football season he works all day on a Saturday. We only get Sundays as a family which I think is probably quite common these days.

idobelieveinfairies · 14/08/2013 07:55

Yabu........been there myself. DP is too old/injured for it all now so he coaches children's football instread.

I always found that DP was very 'obliging' (if that's the right word) that he had his free time. It kept him happy and smiley and he would come home with chocolate ;) and make dinner. As long as he knows he is a lucky so and so and doesn't take it for granted then I think it's reasonable. I'd rather he did the thing than being out drinking all night!

Of course now the children are older je takes them with him so I get my free time ;)

idobelieveinfairies · 14/08/2013 07:56

*sport thing!

fluffyraggies · 14/08/2013 08:00

9 months of the year!? Blimey. I thought it was 3 or 4 ...

I think it's a very tricky one, this.

Often the advice, when one partner has a regular amount of time off ''family time'', is for the other partner to do the same. To make it fair. Logically this means no time left for ''family time'' at all. Which is sad. Weekends are so darn short without both adults wanting great chunks of it off to be 'themselves'.

I don't know the answer, so i'm not being much help.

I do think that him getting a lift to the football so you aren't grounded, OP, is a good idea.

elvislives2012 · 14/08/2013 08:01

I think YABU. he's a full time SAHD so an afternoon a week on his own is not much to ask. Have Sunday as your family day. If things were reversed and you came on here saying u were a FT SAHM and wanted to do a club once a week, but your partner wasn't happy, everyone would say he was being UR. Let home have some time off

20wkbaby · 14/08/2013 08:02

Can't you have Saturday mornings? Then Sunday can be all family time. Saturday afternoons are easier to fill up than weekdays I find and whatever you say I think some 'me time' is always a good idea and may help you to feel that you are not always with the children/ family.

LazyFaire · 14/08/2013 08:02

If he is a SAHD with no other outlet, I think he needs to have something. Not at the expense of you too, but I wouldn't begrudge his Saturdays if you still can have Sunday together.

When I was SAHM and worked 3 nights a week, that was my time off from home. Does he have other time to himself or is football the only way he gets out by himself? Do you also have something that takes you out of the house yourself, say on the alternate Saturdays?

Now I work more hours, I have 3 hours to myself on a thurs that are usually filled with chores, and DP has roughly the same on Sunday when I go for dinner at my folks. I would love if he filled that playing football but he prefers to watch it

42notTrendy · 14/08/2013 08:02

YANBU.
He's got a family and I think to commit to something that takes every Saturday afternoon for months is selfish.
I think what you are suggesting is a reasonable compromise, which is a key part of family/married life.
My DH used to play in a similar set up, before we had ds and it drove me crackers even then because it totally limited what we could do at weekends and like your DP, he got quite inflexible and defensive about it. If something came up on the day he played he would be vvv reluctant not to play.
Thankfully (for me) they all decided a few years ago that they were a bit old to play, largely because they all kept getting injured. So now, he plays badminton once a week (a couple of hours in the evening) and golf every few weeks. Which he's brilliant at fitting in around what I'm doing or what ds needs.
Yes, exercise and time to relax away from responsibilities is necessary, but I think there's less intrusive and more flexible ways to do it.
I also think football, more so than other sports, breeds this mentality, that's its some sort of right to play and takes precedent over everything else.
I perhaps ought to admit I hate the sport anyway, my heart sinks when the new season starts coz I'm destined to have that awful raaahing on the tv when DH puts it on.

Tiredemma · 14/08/2013 08:04

I think that you are being a teeny bit U.

I don't think that having a young family should stop anyone from having some kind of time out engaging in an activity that they enjoy (and I mean this to you too!)

DP is completely raving addicted to Rugby- through the winter everything he does is largely dictated by playing and coaching. It can sometimes be a pain (for example- going to a friends wedding and staying overnight in a lovely hotel but having to get up at 7am in the morning with a raging hangover to get back for 'kick off' at 10am)

I don't mind because its his passion- he doesn't go out clubbing/drinking every weekend and helps out more than enough throughout the week with the children (you say that your DH will be a SAHD?)

I would go nuts if I spent the entire week with the kids and couldn't engage in 'something for me' at the weekend.

PicardyThird · 14/08/2013 08:08

I understand to a degree that it can be annoying, but on balance I think YABU, sorry.

(I also think if a SAHM had posted the reverse of this AIBU, she would have had lots of sympathy and been told she needed that 'me time' after looking after the kids all week)

I think it's quite important for everyone in a family (so that includes you) to have 'their thing' that they do, or at least the opportunity to do it. It models having outside interests to the kids, apart from the psychological benefits to each individual. So in our house the dc have their activities, I sing in a choir and dh is doing a training course which takes him away for a few days every month or so.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 14/08/2013 08:10

So for 9.5 months of the year, he wants you to spend Saturday afternoon stuck in the house with the kids, while he does his own thing... and then wants you all to do something as a family on Sunday? Not really fair on you - when do you get free time?

How about he plays every other Saturday, and you get the alternate Saturday afternoon for your 'you time'? Hell, you could even do sonething healthy!

cansu · 14/08/2013 08:19

Maybe he can ask for a lift or alternate having car so that you have the car some Saturday's? Personally I would let him play but I would also remind him that you expect some flexibility in return should you wish to do an activity on a regular basis. Maybe you could also agree that he could miss football occasionally if something came up that you wanted to do or that you wanted to do as a family.

Longdistance · 14/08/2013 08:22

My dh plays rugby and cricket, and golf he works ft, I'm a sahm. We have family time on a Sunday.

We do have our own cars, but think he needs to leave the car with you on the Saturday, so you can come and go as you please.

I on the other hand, almost have zero me time. In the evenings I'm not bothered about me time as I'm too knackered after having dds, though I do get Saturday am to go out and do what I want.

If you want to go away for a weekend in footy season, he'll just have to forfeit that weekend as a one off.

My dh does this if we want to go away in 'season'.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 14/08/2013 08:22

Can you go out all Saturday morning? Then Sunday is still a family day, but you both get time to yourself on Sunday.

ExcuseTypos · 14/08/2013 08:24

It is tricky but I'd say as he now stays at home all week with the dc, he actually needs time away from the family.

I think you do to, so if that means you have some time on Sunday afternoon then so be it.

ExcuseTypos · 14/08/2013 08:26

Oh and yes to leaving you with a car. He should organise it so that he shares lifts, so you can have the car sometimes.

Tiredemma · 14/08/2013 08:27

The car thing would be the biggest issue for me. The deal breaker would be that he finds a lift. It is Unreasonable for him to expect you to be housebound- that would be the crux of the problem for me.

Not the football.

Original poster

DragonMamma · 14/08/2013 08:27

I was kind of hoping that there would be an unanimous verdict either way so I would know whether to stick to my guns or relent.

I know he's a SAHD now but it's not even been a month and I only went FT Monday so right now he hasn't had the chance to be ground down but for the 2.5yrs I was a sahm I never had a regular afternoon to myself and would have to literally be at breaking point before I'd get a few hrs off.

Maybe if he were more flexible and less petulant when he can't play I wouldn't mind so much but he pouts like a toddler if he doesn't get his own way.

I suppose I could suggest he plays EOW and gets a lift on the matches in between, if possible? My only problem with that is that he ends up staying out for hours afterwards under the guise of 'waiting for a lift' and comes home half cut

OP posts:

ExcuseTypos · 14/08/2013 08:43

Tbh it sounds like he is a bit of a twat. You had to be at 'breaking point' before he gave you a few hours off, he sulks if he doesn't get his own way and he comes home drunk if he has to wait for a lift.

I retract my early posts and think YANBU to want him to play every other week. He also needs to grow up.

Original poster

DragonMamma · 14/08/2013 08:44

X posted with a few people.

Maybe I do need a hobby but I haven't had the time for one for years. Maybe I'll do just that! The look of incredulity when I've mentioned 'equal time off' is quite something though, probably because it's not actually for something like a hobby or sport and is mainly just time to myself so he doesn't see the value in it.

OP posts:

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