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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Argument with girlfriend

70 replies

jimbogills · 13/08/2013 13:03

I've spent the last few years saving a deposit to buy a house.

I'm now about to buy a house.

my gf has little to no savings so has no prospects of buying or even going halves with me on a joint mortgage.

I was gonna buy my house and she was gonna move in. all lovely and exciting.

now all of a sudden she's concerned that if we break up, she'll be left with nothing.

I asked her if she expected me to give her some portion of my house if we ever broke up and she said yeah. she also asked why I can't just put her on the mortgage.

I just feel so incredulous at the request that I've basically just told her to get bent.

am I being a dick here or is she bang out of order?

if we moved in and she was paying half the mortgage I could understand but all along its been discussed that it'll be me who pays the mortgage and she contributes to bills, etc. mainly because she earns about 50% what I do so can't even afford to pay half of all the costs anyway.

OP posts:

DontCallMeDaughter · 13/08/2013 14:12

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable based on the facts in this post... if they were renting a place together the gf wouldn't have any "security" either... I used to own a flat that I paid the mortgage on, my bf at the time moved in and I continued to pay the mortgage and we split the bills. When we broke up, he moved out. There is no way I'd have given him a percentage of my flat... the fact was that he'd been living rent/mortgage free for the time we'd been together so had accrued savings - that was his "security".

Reality · 13/08/2013 14:14

Why can't you have a joint mortgage? You become tenants in common each owning your own portion, your share will be more to reflect your deposit.

Speak to your conveyancing solicitors.

QuintessentialOldDear · 13/08/2013 14:15

Why would the op risk being tenants in common and giving her a share of the house if she is in no position to contribute?

AlpacaLunchYoubringyourbooster · 13/08/2013 14:15

BOF [Grin]

Im loving the new zombie alert, its very good.

AlpacaLunchYoubringyourbooster · 13/08/2013 14:16

IslaValargeone · 13/08/2013 14:23

I don't think you should commit this quickly, it's only 2 years since you were having counselling with your wife.

firesidechat · 13/08/2013 14:26

Reality I can't think that it's good advice to tell anyone to sign over a proportion of your house to someone who is described as a girlfriend and who isn't going to make a financial contribution to the purchase.

Even if they are going to live together they aren't either engaged or married so no idea how serious this is.

Anyway it's all a bit academic because the OP has given too little info to give any kind of advice and doesn't seem much interested it enlightening us further.

Starting to wonder now.

quoteunquote · 13/08/2013 14:27

Both stories true

Ok, then, Have you ever sat down with girlfriend and discussed your one year, five year and ten year plan?

Do you share the same goals?

Don't know what more I can say really!

Well try answering some of the queries, it quite normal to be questioned here, and as you attempt to answer some of the questions, it will become apparent to you where you need to direct your energies.

MNHQ

KateSMumsnet · 13/08/2013 14:28

Hullo all,

Thank you to everyone who reported this thread to us. We've taken a good look, and we can see that the thread some of you are referring to was posted 2 years ago, and it's entirely feasible that the OP's circumstances could have changed in that time, so we're going to leave this thread.

BOF · 13/08/2013 14:36

Yeah, totally.

Reality · 13/08/2013 14:39

It's not signing over a proportion of anything, if you buy a property with someone, split the mortgage costs and protect your own deposit it is simply making a joint purchase.

Much better than her moving in to his house and leaving herself unprotected and at the mercy of him chucking her out. Someone upthread said it's just as risky to rent; it's not, as renters have to be given notice to quit.

whois · 13/08/2013 14:39

I don't think OP is being U in the circumstance. If she is only in a posotion to contribute 50% of the bills then she can fuck right off with any claims to the house.

Different if she had some deposit or would pay half mortgage - then you could come to some kind of complicated arrangement best discussed with solicitor not MN.

Obviously she won't have to pay for any furniture, white goods or repairs under this arrangement.

firesidechat · 13/08/2013 14:52

It's not signing over a proportion of anything, if you buy a property with someone, split the mortgage costs and protect your own deposit it is simply making a joint purchase.

Like I said already the OP had been economical with the full facts on here. He suggests that the gf isn't paying any deposit, but doesn't actually state this for certain. He says she won't be contributing towards mortgage, but it depends on how much she is paying towards other things. All too vague.

AuntieStella · 13/08/2013 15:01

If the GF was contributing to the deposit, or the mortgage, then she should get a stake in the property. If she is contributing to major works on the house, then perhaps there should be some sort of agreement that she gets the contribution back.

If she is currently renting somewhere (and paying shares of bills) and this proposed move is into somewhere rent-free (and paying share of bills) then this isn't so bad a deal for her, as she can then save the money she would otherwise have spent on rent - it is often good to have independent savings.

Both OP and GF would be wise to ensure that ownership other major assets (car, etc) is clearly agreed and recorded.

And although pre-cohabitation agreements are not legally binding, it might be helpful to have a clear statement now that OP does not intend to pass any proportion of ownership of the house to GF and she should make no decisions in the expectation that he will.

It is up to the GF whether she is happy with that as the basis for co-habitation and decide whether she moves in or not.

OP: this can all change if you have DC together. It might be worth making sure now that you and GF share the same expectations of what co-habitation means and whether you do want DC together.

MarysDressSways · 13/08/2013 15:05

YANBU, if she can't contribute to the deposit or monthly mortgage payments, then why should she be entitled to anything? She's not even paying "rent" as such if she's just paying for half the bills.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful · 13/08/2013 15:09

The gf will save an absolute fortune by moving in with the op. she won't have to pay rent / mortgage just contribute towards bills.
She will be able to save quite a lot of her money and that will put her in a good financial position.

SuckAtRelationships · 13/08/2013 15:35

I'm gonna ignore all that and just answer.

I would do the same as you OP. If a partner wasn't trying to save for his/her future then I would not be inclined to make a joint purchase. Having said that I trust no one and, as the name says, SUCK at relationships. I'm stubborn and too independent. I can't see myself EVER making a joint purchase. Ever. Risky stuff. I would never allow myself to be reliant on a partner in any way. Sad really :(

QuintessentialOldDear · 13/08/2013 15:44

Think about it. Why SHOULD she get part of your house, or force you to sell your home to pay her out, if she is not contributing but saving lots in terms of rent and having somebody to go halves on bills with?

Whats in it for you? You both go halves on bills. You have a mortgage to pay. She lives rent free.

But you still have not answered whether she works or not. Will you expect her to be a sahm, and look after kids, clean the house and have food on the table for you? If so, the situation could be slightly different in that you save on child care costs, cleaners, etc.

EagleRiderDirk · 13/08/2013 16:33

When OH and I first moved in together I moved into his owned flat. I paid a contribution to the mortgage and bills though I never expected to get a share of his house. If I wasn't living there I'd only have had to rented somewhere else.

We have subsequently gone joint mortgage on a new place. His starting contribution was larger than mine, but we were both able to get the mortgage and we not have kids and are shortly to be married so its a different situation. I would expect a share out of this house as its legally half mine.

LessMissAbs · 13/08/2013 17:15

YANBU. Even in Scotland where the law was reformed on cohabitees, the key factor is if one party suffered "economic disadvantage". If one party is getting free accommodation and not having to pay rent, then its hardly a case of economic disadvantage which would warrant a payout on splitting up (the cases have featured women who have sold their own properties and spent the proceeds on renovating the male's existing house).

YABU OP in that if this is important to you, not finding one of the many women who can or have bought their own properties, or buying together with your girlfriend, as she suggested. Also YABU in thinking you could attract a financially independent girlfriend with the off putting and dismissive language you use in your OP.

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