AIBU to ask your opinions on what me and DH are arguing about?!

[crabbiepattie]

ok, so a brief background story...DH and I have 3 children; twin girls age 2.7 and DS just turned 4. I am a sahm and have been since DS was born. Im starting FT uni end of September.

Our disagreement is that apparently i dont do enough with the kids!! He works from home, so knows exactly what I do every day!! well, not exactly, but more than many other fathers who work away from home. I dont drive (taking driving lessons) and dont have much spare cadh each week after general food bills, bills etc. I take the kids to a playgroup every Wednesday morning, will take them to the park once a week, take them to see a friend who has a little boy the same age as DTGs, walk to see their nan, take them out on their balance bikes, or we will pop to asda or town to get a bit of shopping, where il treat them to some crayons and colouring books, or craft supplies. my mum will take either ds or dtgs out once a week, and my mil will have either ds or girls, mostly ds, so i can do driving lessons or take kids for a walk or do housework while kids play. I generally have a lot of housework to do, as we are all home most of the time.

Should I be doing more with the kids?

To me that sounds like you are doing enough (although I don't have kids so can't really judge properly).

I really dislike this thing where people criticise how their partners spend their days, its often over nothing and just petty sniping (and that goes for both genders).

What does he do with the DC.

Should you being doing more with the kids?! well only if youre a robot and dont want or need a life of your own, & you have a cook and cleaner. You're spending quality time with your kids, they also get to spend quality time with their gran once a week. Family times are precious..thats what theyll remember. Youre doing just fine besides, your DH can spend some more time with the kids if he feels they need to do more. Im sure he doesnt work 24/7 without any downtime.

Maybe suggest to your husband that he could do more housework, thus giving you more time to do things with the kids?
To me it sounds as though you do as much as is physically possible.
Could you maybe manage a trip to a local park once a week (if hubby runs the vac round / loads the washer)?

Sounds like you are doing really well, with three small children.

I'm guessing that your dh means that you are not doing really exciting stuff with them, taking them adventurous days out, wild camping, making your own shelters out of a few leaves and twigs, that sort of thing? He probably doesn't see the value of meeting up with friends, colouring, crafts stc.

how much does he actually do with the kids if he's so concerned?

sounds like what he's actually saying is i wish you'd all fuck off out of the house more and leave me in peace.

which is not pleasant

I bet you do more than what you have said, as you said you buy crayons and colouring books, so i am assuming that you sit with them while they are using crayons ( i would but that's so i know that my walls and carpets are safe)

no doubt when you are cooking, there is talking going on. Bath time is another way of spending time together.

I would definitely try to go out to parks and playgrounds every single day. Kids should be running around/climbing/walking, not hanging around in a flat or going shopping. Maybe the problem is more the way your DH has addressed the issue, but I am sure it's a good idea to sit down constructively and make a weekly schedule and work it out with DH together how you both want your kids to be raised. It will mean also planning and agreeing how housework/cooking/cleaning will fit into the schedule. I am sure he can do many things after 6 or 7pm that you currently do during the day.

sounds like he just wants you out of the house. Maybe you could start doing loads of messy play, hide and seek, water fights in the garden if you have one, over-excited baking, dressing up as lions, using the sofa cushions as stepping stones...

do so much, as loudly as you can and skip doing any housework.

It sounds like you do loads to me. Why does he think you need to do more?

mmm sounds to me like your dh wants a nice sahm and housekeeper/nanny and is afraid that when you go to uni FT in September he will have to do more himself with the house and kids.

is he jealous of your returning to study and so trying to undermine your confidence/ make you feel bad?

Yup, bet he wants to be left alone in peace and quiet. If the children are happy, then surely that's enough?

Mine are older and I only had two but I recall more structure. DH was working 7-9+ at the time and no local family. Monday probably park, tuesday - singing session, weds - story time, thurs, park, Friday - mother and toddler group plus one o'clock club whenever and the odd cheap trip - City zoo, garden centre, deer hunt in local royal park with picnic, playdates, etc. I needed all of that for my sanity because I had nobody to take them off my hands for a few hours. From 2.5 they did two sessions of nursery each week - half day.

Children shouldn't be hanging around the flat or going shopping - WTF?

I think you're doing just fine.

His criticism is uncalled for and he's being a pillock to be honest.

Charlotte what on earth are you talking about?

going shopping can be an amazing learning experience.

when I was a child minder I regularly took the minders to the local shops to choose and buy food for us to cook later.

we also went via the swings. that's all areas of the EYFS covered in one trip.

not hanging around in a flat or going shopping

OP hasn't said that and going shopping with children is unavoidable for some.

ooopppssss just got you charlotte. many apologies. 😷

I was quoting sanam. I think nought wrong with either

It was sanam who made the stupid comment about shopping.

x post

Read sanam 10.39

And what does Mr Wonderful do around the house or with the children?

It's ok. Mine are at the shops and hanging around often.