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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find this rude and uncomfortable but not know what to do?

60 replies

strawberry34 · 12/08/2013 17:53

Dsis and I live two hours away, she lives near my parents. When I visit them all every couple of months dsis will always find reason to raise past misfortunes I've had in front of the whole family/friends(never alone, so designed to be uncomfortable) such as 'oh have you bumped into any parking bollards recently' (ten years ago I dented my car on one, it was annoying as cost me £400 to fix) or 'lost any wing mirrors this week?' (fifteen years ago I damaged my wing mirror so had to buy a new one).

Alternatively she'll criticise my parking down to the minutest angle. None of this is done in a pleasant way, it's done in a gloaty, superior type way. My other dsis, if present, will snigger in the background. Until now I've always ignored/made a comment to try to stop her. But it's gradually got worse over the years. I feel I can't say much back as she's had a bad few years, she's tried lots of careers but quit them all due to not liking, she hasn't much money etc and the driving comments stem from her current work as a delivery driver (she thinks she owns the road now). Whereas I've had quite a lot of success work wise, house wise etc. I wouldn't dream of trying to make her feel small and embarrassed in public 'dsis remember when your flat went into negative equity? When you quit your tenth job?' etc I've always been very supportive of her.

Yesterday she laughed that I shouldn't take my dd I'm the car as I'm a rubbish driver apparently Hmm fyi I have a clean license, drive safely and ten years of no claims...

Aibu to find her comments rude and annoying? She knows I feel uncomfortable by them.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 12/08/2013 17:57

Goodness she sounds awful, I would pull her up on it, and tell her she's very rude and try my best to avoid her

headlesslambrini · 12/08/2013 17:58

YANBU if it was me, then I would be saying those things right back at her. If it's annoying you that much, you'll have to say something.

TealRhino · 12/08/2013 17:58

It sounds to me as though she is extremely jealous of you. What do your parents say when she does this to you? Do they tell her to stop?

mynameisslimshady · 12/08/2013 17:59

Yabu, she is obviously putting you down to make herself feel better.

Personally, if I felt I couldn't give her jibes back about her misfortunes, I would just agree with her.

"Yeah dsis it was like death race 2000 when I was driving here haha"

"Nah I don't hit bollards any more I head straight for lampposts now"

If she sees you laughing about it and she knows you aren't getting upset by it she will stop it (hopefully).

Pennies · 12/08/2013 18:00

Give her a taste of her own medicine with some cutting barb about her disparate career.

DamnBamboo · 12/08/2013 18:00

You need to pull her up on it or just make one short, sharp uncomfortable (for her) comment in response and fight back.

She's doing it because she can and rightly or wrongly (clearly wrongly in this case) she remains unchallenged, doesn't sound terribly nice and thinks she can get away with bullying you.

thebody · 12/08/2013 18:02

look at her straight in the eye and say,' really sis you are a bit boring you know. shall I bring up your mistakes now so we can all laugh at you? no thought not. do be quiet your making yourself look a right prat'

alternatively laugh and take the puss back re her numerous jobs etc.

don't ignore though as its obviously annoying you.

peachypips · 12/08/2013 18:02

Hey. It seems clear to me that she is jealous of all you have and very insecure about her life and its ups and downs. You probably have all that she wanted and this is the one thing she feels she can do. I know it doesn't excuse her bad behaviour, but I bet that is the subconscious reason.

If it was me I'd let her have this one. She is using it to build up her self-esteem. Just let it go.

fluffyraggies · 12/08/2013 18:03

''dsis remember when your flat went into negative equity? When you quit your tenth job?''

I recon it would only take one time of you biting back like this to put a stop to the majority of it. It would so out of character for you (by the sounds of it) that she'd sit up and take notice.

Toughen up and have a go. Then let us know if it worked :)

Shutupanddrive · 12/08/2013 18:03

You need to pull her up on it, and if that means being rude back so be it. Hopefully you will shock her into not doing it again

Pimpf · 12/08/2013 18:04

Tell her that just because she's now finally settled on a job as a delivery driver does not make her queen of the road. And remind her that these incidents took place over 10 years ago. Then walk away!

WilsonFrickett · 12/08/2013 18:04

Well the grown-up way to handle this it is to say very calmly (but so everyone in the room can hear) something like:

"No, why on earth would I have hit a bollard? I'm a very careful and safe driver." and then completely change the subject. Don't rise, just put across that hitting a bollard isn't something that you would typically do so she can stop banging on about that one time.

Of course the slightly more childish approach would be to say something like:

'Nah, I'm over hitting bollards, mind you at least I can afford to get the car fixed. Which reminds me have you managed to pay back your equity yet, that must be really tough. Poor you." and then completely change the subject.

SelectAUserName · 12/08/2013 18:05

I think if she started that spiel again I'd give her a bored look and say "goodness, are you STILL harping on about that? Was me hitting a bollard the most exciting thing to happen in your life ever? If I'd known you were so desperate for driving-related entertainment I'd have brought you a video of Wacky Races" and then change the subject.

IloveJudgeJudy · 12/08/2013 18:05

I would normally agree with Pennies and Bamboo, but I think by doing that you will completely ramp up the atmosphere, disagreement, etc.

I think mynameis has more got it. Your sis enjoys your discomfort greatly. If you think about it, she hasn't got much in her life. If you make fun of yourself and lead her to believe that what she says doesn't upset you any more, that will mean she has no payback from the comments. She will, eventually, stop (we hope). I do have a bit of experience of this with a particular family member (not so close as a sister, but still someone I see quite a lot). Agreeing with the comments completely stopped them. Life is much happier now.

HairyGrotter · 12/08/2013 18:06

Toughen up princess and give her a taste of her own medicine. Do not enable her rude behaviour. Let her have it!

Original poster
strawberry34 · 12/08/2013 18:06

Thanks. Dh thinks she's jealous too, but I've always helped her work wise, offered to pay for trips and holidays etc when I know she's been hard up. I don't understand why she would turn on me tbh, unfortunately I think because she knows I won't retaliate she does it more. I would feel really bad to be so rude to her though.

OP posts:
NotYoMomma · 12/08/2013 18:07

do you remember that time we all realised your craic is so shit you still talk about crap that happened fifteen years ago?

or just 'it must be so sad that your only entertainment in life is to comment on parking issues'

DamnBamboo · 12/08/2013 18:08

Well then you know what to do. Either retaliate so it stops or just suck it up and get on with being insulted.

You don't even need to insult her directly - just simply call her directly on her behaviour, say it's silly, not particularly funny and she's clearly doing it to make you feel/look bad. And if she doesn't stop, two can play at that game.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 12/08/2013 18:09

Well she sounds like pleasant company! Hmm

I think you either have to
1)have a quiet word and tell her it's not on.
2) do as mynameisslimshady suggests.
3) roll your eyes dramatically at her, sigh, and ask her when she's going to come up with some new material. Same jokes for 10 years is pretty lame.
4) be a bitch back. "No Sis. Quit your job again recently?"

If 1 would work I'd opt for that. Failing that, 2 is probably the safest.

maja00 · 12/08/2013 18:09

Have you asked her straight out why she does it?

"Dsis, why do you keep bringing up mistakes from years ago to try to upset me?"

LondonMother · 12/08/2013 18:13

I wouldn't stoop to her level.

  1. Keep to the moral high ground.
  2. If your parents and other sister know she does this and don't intervene, then ten to one if you retaliate in kind they will take her part and you will suddenly be the bad guy. This is not fair and it's not rational but if they're all a little bit jealous of you I could see it happening.

You could try to ignore it, which is probably much easier said than done. Or you can do as mynameis suggests and try to respond in a way that suggests it doesn't get to you at all. Good luck with that one, I know I'm useless at putting that kind of pretence over! Or maybe you could just smile slightly and say 'Still harping on about that?' and then immediately change the subject.

Original poster
strawberry34 · 12/08/2013 18:15

Thanks, I like the ideas, I will definitely have to deal with. She's taken sibling rivalry to a new level...

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberry34 · 12/08/2013 18:18

I agree London mother, she's the baby of the family and the fact others rarely intervene probably does mean I'd be the bad guy if I were blatantly rude back. I think some of the others have a bit of jealousy issues too.

OP posts:
LemonPeculiarJones · 12/08/2013 18:20

I know it'll go against the grain but you do need to give her a taste of her own medicine. Try to recall something equally as petty (rather than the really bad stuff).

Hopefully you'll only have to do it once.

If she over-reacts just say sorry, I thought when you took the piss about my driving you were in the mood for poking fun? With an innocent face.

She sounds beyond irritating. A little pathetic.

kungfupannda · 12/08/2013 18:22

I'd be inclined to say something like "If you've got to go back fifteen years to find something to laugh at me about, I can't be doing that badly. Now, when was your last cock-up...?"