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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to find this rude and uncomfortable but not know what to do?

60 replies

strawberry34 · 12/08/2013 17:53

Dsis and I live two hours away, she lives near my parents. When I visit them all every couple of months dsis will always find reason to raise past misfortunes I've had in front of the whole family/friends(never alone, so designed to be uncomfortable) such as 'oh have you bumped into any parking bollards recently' (ten years ago I dented my car on one, it was annoying as cost me £400 to fix) or 'lost any wing mirrors this week?' (fifteen years ago I damaged my wing mirror so had to buy a new one).

Alternatively she'll criticise my parking down to the minutest angle. None of this is done in a pleasant way, it's done in a gloaty, superior type way. My other dsis, if present, will snigger in the background. Until now I've always ignored/made a comment to try to stop her. But it's gradually got worse over the years. I feel I can't say much back as she's had a bad few years, she's tried lots of careers but quit them all due to not liking, she hasn't much money etc and the driving comments stem from her current work as a delivery driver (she thinks she owns the road now). Whereas I've had quite a lot of success work wise, house wise etc. I wouldn't dream of trying to make her feel small and embarrassed in public 'dsis remember when your flat went into negative equity? When you quit your tenth job?' etc I've always been very supportive of her.

Yesterday she laughed that I shouldn't take my dd I'm the car as I'm a rubbish driver apparently fyi I have a clean license, drive safely and ten years of no claims...

Aibu to find her comments rude and annoying? She knows I feel uncomfortable by them.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 12/08/2013 18:45

I had a work colleague who was like this! Kept calling me a Trollope because I had been married before! Actually on my sexing marriage at the time and had been we'd 3 years before having DD! One day I snapped and pointed out that she was the one who had lived with someone, they split up, he got engaged to someone else, then she had a fling with him and got preg! Pointed out that maybe out of the two of us I was not the biggest Trollope! No drama, but it stopped it once and for all!

MammaTJ · 12/08/2013 18:46

iPhone autocorrect! Second marriage not sexing!

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 12/08/2013 18:47

I'd be say ' oh fancy you remembering that, ah ha ha ha ' now whats new in the news / gossip to chat about instead of all this old gumf.

AlpacaLunchYoubringyourbooster · 12/08/2013 18:53

Run over her foot.

dubdurbs · 12/08/2013 18:54

I had a similar problem with my older sister, she would snipe and pick faults with me in public, usually when strangers or acquaintances were present. The last straw was at a family christening when someone said I'd be a good mother, being single at the time, I laughed it off and said I'd need to find a man first. DSis stood up and announced to the whole room that I'd want to get off my arse and find a job, and laughed heartily at her own 'joke'. I was totally embarrassed I'm front of a room full of people I hardly knew, none of whom seemed to agree with DSis, but said nothing. A few days later, I visited her and asked her what thrill she got from pulling me down in front of people, and would she like it if I pointed out her flaws in front of everyone? Her excuse was, 'it's the truth' so I told her it was the truth that she was a bitch and people didn't like her because she felt it was okay to comment publicly on people. She's never commented on me since then.

My point.. OP, is that until you confront her and point out that what she is doing is wrong, your sis will keep going. It'll upset her, and probably by default everyone else, but why should you be her whipping boy? Don't make light of it and join her so slagging yourself off, she'll just think it's okay and continue. Next time she makes a comment, stare at her for a moment, then sigh and ask her when she's going to find some new jokes, ten years bringing up the same incident is getting rather tiring.

Lanceolate · 12/08/2013 18:56

You need to deal with it. Smile, shrug and say 'Well my insurance company doesn't think so, I've got 10 years no claims!' Then turn it onto her. 'Would you lose your job if you had an accident. It would be such a shame now you've finally found something you like. I suppose you have to be extra careful.'

emmaliz · 12/08/2013 19:03

I always tell people who bring the same stuff up to get some new material

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2013 19:17

Is there anyone else secretly hoping the OP's sister will get done for careless driving? Not wishing anyone to get hurt, but a court case with a photo in the local paper would do nicely.

DumSpiroSpero · 12/08/2013 19:22

I think I'd go for an extravagant yawn and something along the lines of 'Has so little been going on in your life you still need to drag that up after 10 years? You really need to get out more'.

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2013 19:24

Or you could say, "God, are you still banging on about that? That was ten years ago! Don't you remember, it was the year you got sacked from ?"

Tortington · 12/08/2013 19:26

perfect for the "do you always mean to be so rude" comment imo

oldgrandmama · 12/08/2013 19:27

She sounds pathetic, silly and inadequate and obviously very jealous. Great advice from others, above. I'd snap back at her, bringing up a few of her failures ... in a 'jokey' way, of course!

Redlocks30 · 12/08/2013 19:31

Just laugh and say, 'not in the last 10/15 years, no' and repeat ad nauseum. What a bitch. Don't stoop to her level.

youarewinning · 12/08/2013 19:33

I'd probably say...... "oh yes I remember, how long ago was that? 10, 15 years? Wow, it's been a long time since I made any stupid mistakes" with a pointed look at her.

Yes OK, PA, but it would feel good!

NapaCab · 12/08/2013 19:33

My sister does this to me too sometimes, making belittling comments about what I did when I was younger or something from years ago that I don't even remember. She is older than me and like you, OP, there is some disparity in our careers/financial situation. I just try to think, well if it makes you feel better then go ahead. I let it wash off me most of the time.

Occasionally I decide to retaliate and remind her of the neon pink leggings she wore in the '80s (she was a very faddy teenager at a time when fashions were horrible), her mullet hairdo and the photo we still have in the family album of her and her best friend dressed up like Madonna circa her 'Holiday' hit

A lot of this is normal family back-and-forth but it is bad if you don't feel you can retaliate and make fun of her too. Do your parents side with her?

MintyChops · 12/08/2013 19:36

I like maja00's suggestion. I have an elder sister like this, very nasty to deal with and I know how you feel about your other sister sniggering along. It is jealousy and I think a straightforward question like this might just put her in her place.

Gracie990 · 12/08/2013 19:40

You need to bite back.

Start of soft then if she has a pop at you again, get tough.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 12/08/2013 19:46

Just laugh and say, 'not in the last 10/15 years, no' and repeat ad nauseum. What a bitch. Don't stoop to her level.

This.

She is massively insecure and jealous of you. Having a go at her will only make her more so. She thinks/knows you are sensitive over the parking nonsense and this is literally the only grounds she has to mock you. So show her you don't care.

Remember to your sisters you probably seem like the golden girl who can do no wrong. I know that's almost certainly not the case but that is how they see you, there is no other reason they'd act this way.

RalphtheTimid · 12/08/2013 21:02

Everyone you remember when strawberry34 hit the bollards?

No.

Oh now wait a minute tis coming back to me was it right around the time you quit x y or z job?

Sure you have had that many jobs tis a job in itself to keep track.

I tell you this though you have a great memory perhaps you could make a career out of it.

MarthaStewFart · 12/08/2013 21:20

I'd be seriously having a go back. And I really mean SERIOUSLY.

I've got an older sister who is a complete twunt. We rarely see each other but whenever we do she would bitch and snipe at me. I used to smile and ignore it, or laugh it off, but she just got worse and worse. Eventually it came to a head at a family members' wedding when she made a really barbed comment about my DP needing alcohol in order to have sex with me in front of everyone. I turned around and said that at least I'm with someone who loves me and with whom I am planning on starting a family, rather than living in my parents house at the age of 28 with shitty exam results, no job, no drivers license, a shitload of debt from store cards, no prospects and no boyfriend. I then went on to ask if her lack of sex was the reason she was such a cunt all the time, and if that were true then maybe she should piss off to Ann Summers, buy a dildo and then go and fuck herself.

She burst into tears and hasn't said a bad word to me since.

zoobaby · 12/08/2013 21:30

I'd be so tempted to just reply "and how's your stellar career working out for you?" but this situation probably requires the classic MN response... "Dsis, do you mean to be so rude when you go on and on and on about this?"

Thepowerof3 · 12/08/2013 21:36

I'd stop giving her lifts, can she drive?

RenterNomad · 12/08/2013 21:38

I like thebody's response: there's a threat of retaliation, but you don't have to say anything which will destroy things between you (and she will treat it as the ultimate betrayal by you, no matter how much shit she's exoected you to take, over the years).

Snatchoo · 12/08/2013 21:55

"Shut up ya bint" would be my response to my sister, but I admit not everyone has quite the same relationship as us!

wharrgarbl · 12/08/2013 22:20

Unusual that it's a younger sister doing it - my older sister did similar stuff under the label of 'reminiscing' until I pulled her up on it - 'why are your anecdotes always about making me look stupid?'
I think it's the same thing at heart, though - putting you in the place they think you belong.

I'd do any of the things people have suggested, depending on how much of a fight you want to start.
Laughed like a drain at MarthaStewFart

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