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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you're with your soulmate?

89 replies

insummeritrains · 12/08/2013 13:42

I'll start by saying that I have a wonderful DH - he's steady, loving, kind, hard-working. He gave me my DC who are the best things that have ever happened to me and who I would give up my life for in an instant. I love my DH.

Once upon a time, though, before DH there was someone else. Nothing ever happened, not so much as a snog but I had the strongest feeling that I had met my soulmate. I'm a realist, not usually woo or a dreamer but I felt such a strong connection. There were various reasons why we couldn't give it a go and I thought I'd put him to the back of my mind however, recently I've dreamt about us being together and it's freaking me out.

There's nothing I can do, or want to do about it but I do wonder why I'm having these dreams. Has anyone else experienced similar and how did you deal with it?

OP posts:

Xiaoxiong · 12/08/2013 15:09

I don't think DH is my soul mate. That seems to imply that he's the one and only person for me and I don't think he is (I don't think anyone is).

All the stuff about a connection - well there certainly was one, because the moment I laid eyes on him I knew I wanted to drag him home and have wild wild sex all night which I couldn't until we had each broken up with our respective other halves.

But I definitely didn't fall in love with him straight away. That sort of crept up on me as I got to know him, the way he thinks, his values, the years have gone on, every time we hit a bump in the road (serious illness, babies, money troubles, problems with family members) - our relationship has gotten stronger and we seem better able to communicate and discuss how we want to respond to things.

But I have no illusions - I read stuff every day about women who have had a wonderful 30 year marriage with their supposed "soul mate" who one day turns into this horrible cold nasty person and they say things like "I don't even know who he is anymore" or "This is so out of character".

ToysRLuv · 12/08/2013 15:10

Well, I never knew DH was my "soul mate" from the off. I had to get to know him first. Took a couple of years to conclude that he was as close to perfect as I was likely to get. Then we got married.

I think the love at first sight/lightning bolt kind of thing is a separate concept/issue.

treaclesoda · 12/08/2013 15:12

I feel like DH is my soul mate, we just seem to click in so many ways, have similar interests etc. But, and this is probably a big but, he is the only man I've ever really been properly in love with, so I've no idea how I would feel if I had had serious relationships with other men before settling down.

Bruthastortoise · 12/08/2013 15:14

No but my "soulmate" was a dick. My DH is 100 times the better man, it just took me longer to realise it.

Trills · 12/08/2013 15:15

Yes, YABU to think that there is such a thing as a "soulmate".

I actually think it's a rather damaging concept.

everlong · 12/08/2013 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Keztrel · 12/08/2013 15:21

No, I'm not, because I don't believe in soulmates, although I am very happily married. There was instant attraction between us but I didn't get any sense that we were meant to be together, I just fancied him physically and liked him as a person. Ten years on, it does feel like we are perfect together but that's because we've grown together and share so many memories. We've also worked out through years of trial and error how to argue constructively, how to communicate clearly and how to get the best out of each other. It's nothing to do with soulmates and everything to do with time, respect, effort and commitment. And like AnyOld, if he started behaving like a knob I'd get rid of him (and he I, I'm sure!)

fluffyraggies · 12/08/2013 15:29

I think we often feel a strong connection with a person before dating them - and if it goes wrong the memory of that strong connection at the beginning is forgotten beneath all the relationship stuff.

OP your strong connection with this other bloke is still clear and perfect in your head because nothing else happened to ruin it! Think of it that way.

It doesn't take away anything from what you felt, or are feeling now - but understand it is what it is because it's trapped in stone. It's not a living breathing thing.

Revisited places and people are 99% of the time not as perfect as you remember, or imagined.

GoodTouchBadTouch · 12/08/2013 15:32

I don't believe in soul mates either, but I do think you can find someone who matches you perfectly.

I know what you mean about dreams though, when I take sleeping tablets I sometimes get really vivid dreams. Once I dreamt I was in a relationship with another woman, which for me is a scary horrible idea, but it was so real and hung around for days.

I wonder how you would feel if you met blokey now?

fluffyraggies · 12/08/2013 15:36

Oh and as for soul-mates ...

I think the idea that your partner is your soul-mate is a lovely one. You may well be with a person who is indeed perfect for you. And when you find love like that it's a wonderful thing. I don't believe in there only being one person in the world who could be that partner though.

I believe i have found a soul-mate in DH. That's not to say he's the only one on the planet i could be happy with. But he sure as hell ticks all my boxes in a way that mo one else ever has

StuntGirl · 12/08/2013 15:40

Your description isn't a soul mate, its a crush.

I'd say you deal with it the way you deal with any crush; ignore it, focus on the positives with your husband and let the feelings peter out.

ManAliveThisThingsFantastic · 12/08/2013 15:52

I think that I've met my soulmate. We like and have the same taste in virtually everything, we finish each others sentences and the attraction I have towards him is ridiculous.

Except he's married and expecting his first child. I would NEVER EVER tell anyone or act on it as it's obviously all in my head!

internationallove985 · 12/08/2013 15:53

It's lovely to read your story but I hate to put a damper on it but you and your D.H must have your arguments. It would be rather strange if you didn't.

I don't have a soul mate just an F.W.B who I meet up with for sex. I'm not really interested in all that emotion and love. I don't think actually I know for a fact I'll never find my soul mate because for me he isn't out there. They broke the mould when they made me, I can tell you.
I'd also just like to add most mums adore their children and would give their lives for them even if they weren't concieved with their sole mate. x

expatinscotland · 12/08/2013 15:53

There's no such thing as a soulmate.

internationallove985 · 12/08/2013 15:54

Oops. Soul mate, sorry I spelled that wrong then

elQuintoConyo · 12/08/2013 15:58

DH is my soulmate.
He completes me.
He's my world, my rock.
I'm everything I am because he loves me.

We suit each other, love each other, trust and respect each other. We'll be together until one of us rubs the other out shuffles off this mortal coil.

Soulmates is for tween readers of Twilight, imvho.

Weegiemum · 12/08/2013 16:03

I think I've found the bloke who I have made my 'soulmate'. He thinks there was no one but me for him.

But 18 years married, we're perfect for each other. Not without hard work at times (3 children inside 4 years as an example).

But we love each other and have been through so much that soul mates is what we have become.

GoshAnneGorilla · 12/08/2013 16:08

KellyElly - I love your answer. Even though I am very happy with DH, in some ways I am still my own best friend (and I don't mean that in a negative way at all) and I enjoy my own company.

Being your own soulmate is far better and healthier then thinking you need a man to complete you. I knew very quickly that I wanted marry dh, but he's not my soulmate, because I've never felt I needed one.

Dollybird86 · 12/08/2013 16:19

My dh is my soul mate my best friend and my lover hes the most amazing person ive ever none. And from the first time I spoke to him I knew.

Amibambini · 12/08/2013 16:20

The one person who I would say that I felt had that instant 'soulmate' connection moment with, well he turned out to be a bit of a dick and all that instant total love thing was just.. lust and being swept up in the moment. I think we totally connected on a physical level and it initailly felt like total love. We were not in love.

Lust happens, but long term loving commitment, understanding and acceptance takes a lot of hard work, compromise, and moments where you really don't like each other but you work past it.

Lavidaenrosa · 12/08/2013 16:22

I don't believe in soulmates, but I have met the perfect man. He was my flatmate. He is also gay. I used to joke I should have married my husband (for the sex) and my lovely gay friend (he is a domestic god and also knows how to fix a car, plumbing, tiling, etc.)

motherinferior · 12/08/2013 17:09

I'd hate to bundle up everything - sex, friendship, parenting, domesticity - into one person anyway. I like a bit of variety, me. Mr Inferior is a fine bloke but I couldn't just have him in my life.

I think it's easier to fall for the soulmate idea if you take up with someone when you're both very young and then become quite co-dependent. Being a raddled old boot who's been around the block a few times, I'll settle for someone I can actually face putting up with

AmazingBouncingFerret · 12/08/2013 17:16

Isn't soulmates a concept of starry eyed teenagers in the throes of passionate all consuming love for the first time?

motherinferior · 12/08/2013 17:17

luuurve you mean...

AmazingBouncingFerret · 12/08/2013 17:18

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