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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Opinions on wedding?

69 replies

MagratOfStolat · 12/08/2013 11:49

My poor best friend is getting married in a year as a smallish ceremony (less than 50 guests total!) to a lovely bloke. They have the date in mind, all of the venues they want are available and it's just a matter of taking the plunge and booking them. Trouble is, she's having a minor crisis and asked for my (and Mumsnets!) opinion.

Essentially, the church they are getting married in is a maximum of five minutes walk away from two different restaurants/bars/foodie places. Place One is a poshy place with a set menu and a hefty price per head. Place Two is basically like a Beefeaters.

She's had a look at Place One and (aside from the financial side) they have a menu that she took one look at and went "[Aunt] won't touch that, [Uncle] is allergic to all that, [Sister] won't eat any of it except the dessert, [Friend one] and [Friend two] won't be happy about that......." ad infinitum.

She came to me and basically asked me what I thought of them going to the pub and everyone just buying their own food, and then because it would be quite late in the day to not bother catering for the evening do.

I told her that it was her day, her money, she'll kill herself trying t make everyone happy at the same time if she didn't do this and if anyone didn't like it then they can climb a long pole and then sit on it.

What does everyone else think? I thought it was great, but now am wondering fi I gave the right advice...

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 12/08/2013 11:54

could she not provide a meal at the pub and put a bit of money behind the bar? i don't disagree with your advice, but i would be a bit disappointed if i had all the cost of travelling to a wedding, organising overnight accommodation and buying a present and i wasn't even provided with a pub meal.

how lavish is the rest of their spending? can they cut back on anything else?

a load of our relatives are really fussy - there's no way you can cater for all their mad requirements.

YouTheCat · 12/08/2013 11:55

I went to a wedding (very very tight budget) where they hired the church hall and all their friends brought some food. It was really nice. And everyone had something they could eat/liked.

Bride and groom provided small glass of wine for speeches. Then the evening do was in a pub function room with a band (bride and groom's band). There was no evening buffet but there was food available to buy at the pub if anyone was peckish.

It was a very relaxed, non-traditional do. I had a great time.

Original poster
MagratOfStolat · 12/08/2013 11:56

... Blush trust me not to proofread...

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 12/08/2013 11:56

I'd never worry about buying my own drinks at a wedding, but my own food? Aw hell no.

Original poster
MagratOfStolat · 12/08/2013 11:57

Well most people are local to the area anyway, and because they're living together already they aren't asking for gifts either - it's more "you attending is a present enough" IYSWIM?

They're providing wine and things but it's just the food they're struggling with.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 12/08/2013 12:01

How has she gone from looking at an expensive restaurant to deciding everyone should pay for their own pub grub? Confused

If you're going to have 50 guests at your wedding, then imo you should pay for their food. Let them buy their own drinks though.

Why not just put a buffet out in the pub?

ChairOfTheBored · 12/08/2013 12:01

I think this sounds fine. When my Mum re-married they had intended a very small do, as they didn't have the budget. So many people wanted to share the celebrations that they changed their plans and hired a room at a local hotel, but were clear with guests that they would need to pay for their own food - plenty did, and had a whale of a time.

I think the point is, if people are true friends, and their only motive for attending is to share in a joyous occasion, then paying £10-£15 for a pub lunch will not put them off.

makingdoo · 12/08/2013 12:03

Honestly I think it's an awful idea. I wouldn't ever expect a free bar or any free alcohol actually but to pay for your own meal? No.

Surely they could cover a buffet for 50 guests?

sophiedaal · 12/08/2013 12:03

won't the logistics of everyone ordering their own food in the pub be a headache in itself? It's why venues make you pre-select from a set menu in the first place, otherwise there'll be a delay in some people getting served before others, some options running out, and all that palaver.

It's one meal for one day. There has to be a simple menu choice, or a plain buffet that Hotel 1 could lay on, so the guests can congregate after the wedding and have a bite to eat while toasting the happy couple? You'd hope none of her guests would be churlish enough to make a massive fuss about food, actual medical allergies aside, at someone's wedding.

Onesleeptillwembley · 12/08/2013 12:04

It's her day, but not her money if she's asking people to pay. No meal or evening food provided? I'd either go for the pub and pay for guests, or have a party where I could afford to feed my invited guests. Or a small wedding I could afford. Not providing anything is pretty rude, and a very poor showw0.

trinity0097 · 12/08/2013 12:07

I had afternoon tea for my wedding reception, and left for honeymoon about 5pm, anyone who wanted to stay at the venue and buy themselves dinner/more booze could, but we just provided afternoon tea, I.e. sandwiches, cakes, tea/coffee/juice and one glass of fizz for the speeches. Lots of people mentioned that they preferred it as it didn't mean that everything was dragged out for so long, they came t the church, we got married, we spent a couple of hours celebrating afterwards then that was that!

Amibambini · 12/08/2013 12:08

I don't think it's great wedding etiquette to expect guests to pay for their own food. Can she not arrange for the pub to put on a big roast on platters for everyone to pass about and help themselves to?

I've been to loads of skint friend's weddings, and never have been expected to pay for the meal. People don't have to put on a fancy spread, buffets and pot lucks can go down a treat!

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 12/08/2013 12:08

No one minds paying for their own drinks. But I've never been to a wedding where I had to pay for my own food. I don't think I'd be best pleased.

TheCraicDealer · 12/08/2013 12:08

If it's a year away the menu for the posh place will probably have changed any way. It seems like she doesn't want the expense of feeding people, which to me is a bit rude. If your budget doesn't stretch to it, fine, just don't dress it up as "giving people a choice".

HollyGoHeavily · 12/08/2013 12:09

Is she going to hire a function room at the pub? I'd assume so with 50 people, you can't just turn up and expect all to be seated together. In which case does she really want her guests popping in and out placing orders and all the food arriving separately? Seems very odd to me. I'd advise her to work with the pub to come up with a few choices that everyone can live with and then pay for all her guests meals. It is a bit tight to invite guests to a wedding and expect them to fork put for their own meals.

Amibambini · 12/08/2013 12:10

To echo Sophiedahl, 50 people turning up at a pub and ordering off the menu will kill any kitchen and result in many late meals. Pre-order, and work out something with the kitchen that means everyone can be fed at the same time.

NatashaBee · 12/08/2013 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pawprint · 12/08/2013 12:13

I would lay on a simple buffet for everyone. My SIL did that. Only problem with her do was there wasn't enough food, which was annoying.

Groovee · 12/08/2013 12:13

I knew someone who invited everyone to the wedding then hit them with a £45 bill per person for the meal as apparently they couldn't afford it.

I'd personally look at somewhere that would cater for the 50 people and possible allow it to be buffet style so they can help themselves.

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2013 12:14

Actually I've just realised the wedding's a whole year away.

Surely they can save up for the pub food for their guests?

ViviPru · 12/08/2013 12:17

She could do that, but for me it mustn't be billed as a 'wedding reception'.

She should let her guests know that she and her new husband will be dining at such-and-such a Beefeater after the ceremony, and people would be welcome to book a table for themselves there at the same time. No one would be offended if they were told the bride and groom can't afford a wedding reception so aren't having one, and everyone will need to eat after the ceremony, so I can't imagine anyone objecting. I think she'll also find that without a hefty deposit up front, the Beefeater style place won't reserve a large section for the group. If she does it the way I suggest, they can provisionally keep an area aside for additional bookings from the wedding guests.

This is exactly what we did the day after our wedding. We had an informal lunch at our local, and we made it clear that we were going to book a table for ourselves, and if people wanted to come along, then they could book their own table but let the pub know they were with the 'Pru party. The pub was happy to make sure a whole section was purely for us and our friends and family, but everyone was all on their own tables and all paying individually. And it was with the understanding that if friends and family bookings did not fill up the section it would also be open to other diners. It all worked really well.

I don't think it is appropriate to want to create an exclusive wedding reception style event, but expect people to pay for their own meal. If it's billed as a dining option for after the ceremony, that puts a different perspective on things IMO.

TeenAndTween · 12/08/2013 12:17

Can she see whether place 1 will do a different set menu for a lower price. (ie less fancy food that more will like, and will be cheaper, so same profit for place 1)?
Or similar for place 2?

QueenofallIsee · 12/08/2013 12:19

I eloped for my first wedding and the handful of guests paid for their food. That is not the same as this though which is a 'proper' church wedding initially..I would raise my eyebrows a bit to be honest. Would be more inclined to not pay for any drinksand stump up for food (but then I would never in a million years go to a Beefeater for my wedding reception, sorry to sound snobby). A village hall/community centre and a buffet done by the bride would be better I think

QueenofallIsee · 12/08/2013 12:21

ViviPru has it spot on - its either a reception that you are invited too and fed or its not a reception but described as she says which would be totally fine with me!

Jan49 · 12/08/2013 12:21

I wouldn't see 50 guests as a small wedding!

I think they either need to arrange the timing so it doesn't need to include a meal, or provide a meal. Maybe a buffet. Don't expect guests to pay for their own meals.

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