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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Opinions on wedding?

69 replies

MagratOfStolat · 12/08/2013 11:49

My poor best friend is getting married in a year as a smallish ceremony (less than 50 guests total!) to a lovely bloke. They have the date in mind, all of the venues they want are available and it's just a matter of taking the plunge and booking them. Trouble is, she's having a minor crisis and asked for my (and Mumsnets!) opinion.

Essentially, the church they are getting married in is a maximum of five minutes walk away from two different restaurants/bars/foodie places. Place One is a poshy place with a set menu and a hefty price per head. Place Two is basically like a Beefeaters.

She's had a look at Place One and (aside from the financial side) they have a menu that she took one look at and went "[Aunt] won't touch that, [Uncle] is allergic to all that, [Sister] won't eat any of it except the dessert, [Friend one] and [Friend two] won't be happy about that......." ad infinitum.

She came to me and basically asked me what I thought of them going to the pub and everyone just buying their own food, and then because it would be quite late in the day to not bother catering for the evening do.

I told her that it was her day, her money, she'll kill herself trying t make everyone happy at the same time if she didn't do this and if anyone didn't like it then they can climb a long pole and then sit on it.

What does everyone else think? I thought it was great, but now am wondering fi I gave the right advice...

OP posts:

thegreylady · 12/08/2013 12:24

Even if it's just a cheese and wine thing they must provide food.People won't mind paying for drinks but not food.

kitsmummy · 12/08/2013 12:24

I would think it's dreadful tbh. You cannot invite guests to your wedding and then expect them to pay for their own food!!! (drinks are no problem by the way).

She either needs a village hall with buffet provided, or she needs to make the wedding miniscule so she can pay for people.

ViviPru · 12/08/2013 12:24

Thanks Queen I thought it was a pretty good idea too!

I feel I ought to add, when we did this it was the day after we'd provided guests with food and drink all day at our wedding reception, but I still think it's a reasonable thing to do for your actual wedding if you're skint.

kitsmummy · 12/08/2013 12:25

Oh and I also think, if they're inviting people seperately to an evening do, they need to cater for that too, in some shape or form.

ViviPru · 12/08/2013 12:25

I'd also like to add that doing your own buffet sounds all very homespun and whimsical but it would just be an almighty PITA what with everything else going on around a wedding. And costly.

beepoff · 12/08/2013 12:26

As other posters have said above it sounds disastrous. Buffet is best idea, ideally at a function hall rather than pub/restaurant to keep costs down. Our local cafe does fab, very cheap outside catering so she wouldn't necessarily have to do it herself if she's worried about that.

I would also talk to the "posh" place and see if they can do a special (cheaper) menu. Any chef worth their salt would be happy to put something bespoke together for a 50-person party.

Mogz · 12/08/2013 12:28

How about they look into hiring a company to do a hog roast, picnic or BBQ set up at a village /church hall, that can cater easily for 50 people. Then get to a hypermarket to buy lots of juice (or booze if they don't mind people drinking).
When we got married we did a posh picnic lunch, ice creams and soft drinks for 55 people at about £20 per person then invited anyone who was staying in the area to join us at the pub that evening and everyone paid for their own meal. It was very lovely and relaxed, suppose it depends on what their guests are like, we're lucky as our immediate family and close friends are super laid back.

maddy68 · 12/08/2013 12:32

I would say that I would pay for the food and one drink for the toast.

50 guests in my opinion makes it too large for buy your own meal. Or do a buffet

One wedding I went to hired a hall and their wedding gifts were bring a plate of food
That was their guest list Ie one plate of ham sandwiches to feed 20 people.
That worked brilliantly

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2013 12:36

Lots of pubs here will let you bring a buffet...or they'll offer to lay one on for you.

It's within their interests because of the bar takings.

We threw an 80th party for my Dad last year and the buffet (laid on by the pub) was about £7 per head and it was absolutely lovely.

Fairyegg · 12/08/2013 12:48

We got married really late in the afternoon and then just had a curry, chilli, and chip buffet in a hotel function room early evening after photos. Worked out well and was cheap. How about hiring a village / church hall, hotel / pub function room, football or rubgy club thing and just provide an evening buffet? Other weddings I have been to include a bring a plate type affair, hog roast, BBQ. These are all quite cheap. I don't think you can expect people to pay for there own meal though. Besides no place will cope well with 50 guests, how would you split the bill, what would they do afterwards?

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2013 12:50

Ok, how much does she want to pay for food and drink? If the answer's nothing then I think she shouldn't be inviting 50 people.

She seems to be limiting herself to those two places where neither of them sounds really suitable for what she wants. Isn't there a pub with a private room that she can book and have a buffet? A friend of mine had hers at an Indian restaurant they used to go to - the restaurant shut so that they could have it for several hours.

She's got a year to go - is she not going to be able to save money in that time?

jojane · 12/08/2013 12:55

we had a bbbq. we had hired some holiday cottages for family and friends (they all paid £50 pp for the whole weekend. we then provided the food so friday night we did several types of pasta and salad and bread. each cottage was provided with cereal and toast and eggs etc. we then did a big bbq after the wedding and provided drink (but actually ended up taking more home as everyone brought stuff too) then on the sunday we went out for a pub cooked brunch which my dad paid for but everyone was prepared to buy thier own until my dad picked up the tab. we had about 25 staying for the weekend which was family and close friends and about another 20 to the weeding and bbq who were good friends that lived closeby.

Picturesinthefirelight · 12/08/2013 12:57

We went to a pub yesterday for my parents anniversary. There were 27 of us (mum has lots of siblings) and they insisted we had to have a Carvery and go up table by table or per order from a limited set menu (2-3 choices per course)

When sol got married she couldn't afford much so immediate family only went for a pub meal afterwards then she had a home done buffet in a church hall in the evening.

I can't see any pub being happy about 50 guests all ordering their own meals and I would be talking about you behind your back if I was expected to pay.

mumbaisapphire · 12/08/2013 12:58

I went to a wedding reception at a Beefeater once and we had to pay for our own food. The wedding was less than 3 months after engagement and we just kept thinking why didn't they wait a bit longer so they could have afforded to pay for everyone. It just felt extremely cheap. If your friend has a year to save then she should be paying. She should do a bit more investigation with both venues to see what they can do for her actual event rather than just look at their regular menu and make a judgement based on that.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 12/08/2013 13:00

I never expect a free bar at a wedding but I wouldn't except to pay for food.

If you can't afford it then downscale, hire a hall, do your own food, have a bbq, or invite less people. I think it's taking the piss to invite 50 people then not feed anyone all day. Have a wedding you can afford, not funded by your guests.

WilsonFrickett · 12/08/2013 13:02

I would do this if I was expected to pay for my own food at a wedding. And I've been to loads, with massively different budgets, over the years. But paying for one's own food is just not done.

In fact, I will stop mincing my words and say I'd think it was a fucking cheek. You invite people to celebrate with you. Not by sitting on separate tables paying for their own food.

But I think she's being a bit passive - there can't just be two places near her wedding? And if place A's menu isn't to her liking, she can ask them to change it - most places will negotiate for a big booking. And I'm not sure how she got to 'this place is too fussy' to 'so everyone can just pay for a Beefeater' either - there are infinite possibilities inbetween...

Church hall with a pot luck, bbq, hog roast.
Finger buffet, catered in a pub.
Smaller wedding with pub lunch paid for, then drinks/disco.

Also how does she think the pub will be with 50 people turning up at once and ordering at the same time?

girlywhirly · 12/08/2013 13:03

Pubs, even if unable to do a buffet themselves will know a caterer who can, and supply a function room with a bar. They will give you a list of food items to choose from which surely would include something to please most people. And will do all the clearing up afterwards which won't happen in a hired hall, unless you do it yourselves. Pay for Cava or other sparkling wine for the toasts, and guests buy other drinks themselves.

YoniMitchell · 12/08/2013 13:06

I think if she wants to invite 50 people to a 'wedding reception' then she needs to provide that reception - that would be food at least.

Guests expect to pay for their own drinks (with maybe the exception of a glass for toasts), but not their own food.

50 people is not really a very small wedding - if they were having say just 6 people there, then they could say 'come and see us get married, then we're heading to X restaurant/pub for a meal and you're more than welcome to join us' and expect guests to pay for themselves (obvs with better wording to make it clear!).

I'm also a bit confused about how she's gone from looking at the posh, expensive restaurant to guests forking out for their own meals at a pub? Was there no middle ground?

soverylucky · 12/08/2013 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ViviPru · 12/08/2013 13:09

I'm also a bit confused about how she's gone from looking at the posh, expensive restaurant to guests forking out for their own meals at a pub? Was there no middle ground?

^This.

Looking forward to the OPs response to our responses.

sophiedaal · 12/08/2013 13:20

Afternoon tea is a lovely idea: various sandwiches, scones, cream, wine and tea, wedding cake. Then if people want to go on afterwards and have supper somewhere, fine - but make sure that venue's warned that 50 people are turning up.

Have to admit I'm a bit at guests not eating this, or turning their noses up at that. It's a wedding celebration, not Come Dine With Me.

squoosh · 12/08/2013 13:27

I'm all for cutting your cloth to suit your whatsit but I'd be shocked to be invited to a wedding only to be told I was to pay for my own meal.

Pleading poverty is not really an excuse.

They need to cut the guest list to the bare minimum and be proper hosts, whether that's providing a cut price buffet or paying for the pub meals.

Oriunda · 12/08/2013 13:27

The smart restaurant will be able to create a set menu that should please most people (lamb or chicken are usually safe bets). At least, they will if they want the money. The allergy sufferer could have a one-off dish created for them. I wouldn't be happy attending a reception at a pub where I had to order and pay for my own food!

Original poster

MagratOfStolat · 12/08/2013 13:33

Right! Have read through everyone's thingies and have rung her - she has already had second thoughts about it and so, since they're both quintessentially English, she seems to love the idea of an Afternoon Tea in the function room - cucumber sandwiches, scones, cream cheeses etc.

Thanks to all for the responses! :)

OP posts:

sweetestcup · 12/08/2013 13:36

You cant invite people to your wedding reception and pay for their own food, its rude and very crass. Cant afford to feed 50? Invite less or look at other options. Its just plain wrong.

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