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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work colleagues forgotten about me whilst on mat leave...

53 replies

FeelingABitLeftOut · 09/08/2013 23:10

NC as I think some colleagues are avid mners!

I'm currently on mat leave...really missing work and have made a huge effort to keep in touch with colleagues, regular visits to work with baby, facebook, gone to social events organised for whole company etc.

Really thought I had a good relationship with my department, there's me and a few other women. When another woman was on mat leave last yr we always invited her out on department socials, she never came to any but was always invited as we didn't want to make her feel left out and really missed her as part of the team.

I logged on to Facebook today and there's a smug status from the head of department, tagging most of the others, saying what a lovely lunch they all had together. The ones who weren't tagged are not on facebook but could have been at the meal. AIBU to feel left out? I just feel like my friends have forgotten about me :(

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/08/2013 23:13

Are they friends though or colleagues?

See I think lunch is different to organising something at night time or at the weekend.

To me, lunch is part of the working day and at the moment you're not working with them, that's all.

I doubt the status was smug though. Surely it's just a status?

Are you socialising with your friends? I mean people you don't work with?

Szeli · 09/08/2013 23:14

I'm with you on this.

I'm on mat leave too and a company I've been with since the beginning just had a massive 1 year birthday celebration and I didn't get a whisper of an invite. Really hurt. Mentioned it to my friend today "well you don't work there anymore" er I do I'M ON MAT LEAVE fuckers, makes me not wanna go back tbh.

Yanbu it's shitty

twinklyfingers · 09/08/2013 23:16

This happened to me too. Fuck 'em.

StuntGirl · 09/08/2013 23:16

What on earth makes you think it was smug? It was a status about lunch...

I think you're obviously very much missing work and reading into things that aren't there.

QuintessentialOldDear · 09/08/2013 23:17

I am with worra.

Dont be daft, you are on leave.

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 09/08/2013 23:18

It could have been spur of the moment.

I also wouldn't invite someone on mat leave to a team lunch - maybe a leaving do or Xmas lunch but not otherwise as I'd assume it was too much faff to trail in and out with baby for an hour or so.

Original poster
FeelingABitLeftOut · 09/08/2013 23:18

Both - friends and colleagues, in the past we'd have always gone out regularly together. They are all on 6-week summer hols at the moment so definitely not a work-related lunch (possibly outing the profession there!!)

Yes I am socialising with other friends but mostly people I've met through baby groups etc and thought it was important I kept my work friendships going as well, they are people I regard as some of my best friends.

And yes the status seemed smug to me but maybe not to others, was full of kisses and references to funny conversations they'd had over lunch, just seemed really over-friendly and slushy compared to that person's normal style of writing.

Part of me feels like I'm being really over-sensitive but I feel like they've forgotten about me!

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingABitLeftOut · 09/08/2013 23:20

Just to clarify - it was 100% a social occasion and not work-related and one of the ladies who went was the one who has just got back from mat leave who we invited to everything while she was off :(

OP posts:
SpeedwellBlue · 09/08/2013 23:24

Why not invite them to a lunch yourself? That way you keep in touch and you get the message across that you don't want to be forgotten about, but in a friendly way?

SpeedwellBlue · 09/08/2013 23:25

Dear FeelingABitLeftOut's avid MNetter teacher colleagues. Don't forget about FeelingABitLeftOut!! Grin

masirah · 09/08/2013 23:27

A bit touchy are we? Get over it, you are currently (and temporarily I assume) out of the mainstream. As soon as you are back in the fold you will be included. Stop being paranoid.

Original poster
FeelingABitLeftOut · 09/08/2013 23:31

Yeah speedwell that's a good idea... I may well do that, although I (rightly or wrongly) feel pretty hurt about them all going out without me.

I am really worried about going back to work and this kid of thing is not helping me! Just feel so angry that last year I was one of the main people trying to make my colleague on mat leave feel like she wasn't left out, it was always me reminding everyone else to include her in everything yet no-one's doing the same for me. I love my job and love(d) my colleagues and was relying on the buzz I'd get from re-joining them at work to help counteract the scariness of leaving dd, now I am dreading going back as I have maybe totally misjudged the relationship we have :(

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingABitLeftOut · 09/08/2013 23:32

masirah yes I probably am touchy about it!

I think that I'd assumed that as we'd kept our other colleague in the loop while she was on mat leave that the same courtesy would be extended to me - guess I was wrong on that count.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/08/2013 23:38

Yes but you said this...

When another woman was on mat leave last yr we always invited her out on department socials, she never came to any but was always invited

They probably assumed you'd be the same.

Read around MN, there are tons of posts from angry Mothers who don't want to be contacted by work colleagues when they're trying to enjoy their maternity leave.

They probably think you're too busy with your own life right now, to even think about your job.

Original poster
FeelingABitLeftOut · 09/08/2013 23:46

Yes I can understand that worra but I promise that my colleagues are not under the impression that I don't want to be bothered, I have spoken to them about how much I miss them and how we should meet up over the holidays as I need some baby-free time and they also wanted some child-free time - guess they didn't believe me!

OP posts:
masirah · 10/08/2013 00:10

You thought (rightly) that she should be included, but others are not of the same mind. Real life, big life. Be above it and try to understand that your pregnancy is not earth changing. In future, stop being thoughtful toward others and look out for yourself. Selfish? Yes, but realistic.

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 10/08/2013 00:16

Slushy status = Wine at lunch, methinks!

beals692 · 10/08/2013 00:16

YANBU to feel left out but, if it's a one-off, I don't think it necessarily means that everyone has forgotten you if you don't know the circumstances of who arranged it and how it was arranged E.g. If it was during the summer break, it was probably one person who arranged it and contacted everyone by phone or e-mail and, yes, that one person probably forgot to include you but the rest of your colleagues wouldn't have realised that you weren't invited and just thought you weren't able to make it.

Also, is it possible that the head of department arranged it as a thank-you for staff's hard work over the past year/to celebrate the team's achievements? (It would never happen where I work but you never know!) If you weren't working during that period, that may explain why you weren't invited and, if the staff were being treated to lunch, they'd probably think it a bit rude to try to wangle an invite for an extra person.

Original poster
FeelingABitLeftOut · 10/08/2013 00:22

Haha thedoctrine think you are right!

beals I think there was 3 main people who arranged it so I'm assuming at some point there would've been a discussion on who to invite. And I was at work for the majority of the year so to leave me out of an end of yr celebration/thank you would have been pretty harsh.

From the look of the comments on Facebook it looks like it was purely a social event with work friends catching up, no link to a work achievement/recent project etc.

OP posts:
K8Middleton · 10/08/2013 00:26

Yanbu. It's rubbish to be treated differntly because you are on maternity leave.

Assuming/presuming or whatever is just plain rude. Women are not all the same and just because one person prefers not to participate during maternity leave doesn't mean everyone who takes maternity leave will feel exactly the same. It would take minutes to ask and would avoid many problems later.

At best it thoughtlessness, at worst laziness and rudeness.

SpeedwellBlue · 10/08/2013 01:31

masirah Are you one of the OP's colleagues?

meganorks · 10/08/2013 04:21

You have also said you were the main person making sure that other lady on maternity leave was included. So there is now no one doing that role. And she didn't go to anything you invited her to so obviously for her it isn't important. For all you know last year she was here to: AIBU to think people should stop contacting me while on mat leave....especially since I have not responded to anything.
I think you are being a bit oversensitive.

luxemburgerli · 10/08/2013 04:57

Well tbh, I probably wouldn't have invited people on mat leave to a lunch (perhaps I would to an evening do).

If they had invited you, they run the risk of the AIBU being "I am on mat leave and work just won't leave me alone - pressuring me to go to their events. Don't they understand I don't want to hear about work when I am trying to be with my baby." So they can't win really.

luxemburgerli · 10/08/2013 04:59

Sorry, posted too soon. So, while I think YANBU to feel a bit left out, I really wouldn't take it personally. You're on extended leave, so won't be involved generally.

ThirtyLove · 10/08/2013 05:04

This happened to me though in my case it was the Xmas do that the company was paying for.

I'm sure my colleagues go for lunches that I don't find out about though, it doesn't bother me because as someone above said its part of the working day.