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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL calling herself mum isn't ok

87 replies

appletarts · 09/08/2013 20:43

She's calling herself mum front of my kids, as in that she is their mum! AIBU being upset by this? DH said it's a slip of the tongue and she doesn't mean any harm but she's said it at least 7 times and it makes my blood boil. The kids are young so haven't really noticed I don't think, I hope not anyway. I asked her what the hell is she saying that for and she said oh silly me sort of thing but I think it's a bit below the belt.

OP posts:
ToffeeWhirl · 10/08/2013 09:11

YANBU. It's as if she's trying to usurp you. I would be really annoyed by that.

On a similar theme, I have a list of phone numbers next to my phone, including one that says 'MUM: Mobile number: etc'. My mother crossed out my mobile number and replaced it with her own! She looked a bit sheepish when I pointed out that I was the mum in this house, not her.

In her case, she wasn't trying to usurp me, but just forgot that I was a mum now too (my DC are 7 and 13 - not babies). On the last mother's day, she was also surprised when I mentioned going out for lunch - "Oh, it's your Mother's Day too!"

BergholtStuttleyJohnson · 10/08/2013 10:32

YANBU. Is it when you visit her? I wonder if she's just used to being "mum" in her house. Your DH is still her son afterall. it may be she just forgets that you and DH are "mum and dad" now too.

thebody · 10/08/2013 10:38

I think it's a bit sad to suspect deliberate mind games if she's ok in other ways.

still my mil was lovely so I don't have much experience if this nastiness so prevalent on mumsnet re dil/mil.

SanityClause · 10/08/2013 10:48

It depends on what her intentions are.

Some grandmothers are loons, and do try to usurp the mother's place.

But, it could easily be forgetfulness. My DF used to call all my siblings by each other's names, and I find myself doing it, too, with my own DC.

Your DC will probably start to correct her when they are a bit older, if she's still doing it.

trikken · 10/08/2013 10:55

My mil did this once when ds was little but gasped at her mistake and apologised right away. Don't accept it. Agree with the "silly granny" retort.

DameDeepRedBetty · 10/08/2013 11:00

yanbu for all sorts of reasons others have listed ^^

With the wrong name confusion thing, I've only got two children but routinely take up to five attempts to get the name right when I'm tired/flustered/busy. Including the cats name, dogs names and occasionally my youngest sister's name, who looks very like dtd1.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 10/08/2013 11:07

Have you tried fighting back? Not all out war but rolling your eyes and saying to your DC "silly Grandma!" (or nanny or whatever) "what's she like? calling herself mummy and losing her keys? Granny needs a lie down I think!"

Did similar with my own MIL in similar circumstances worked a treat. We actually get on lots better nowadays.

SanityClause · 10/08/2013 11:08

DameDeep, I have been known to call DH by my DDs' names! I once called DD1 "Elizabeth" and it's not her name, and I have no close relatives or friends with this name. The closest I can get is a high school friend or one of my sisters' middle names. Blush

melika · 10/08/2013 11:16

I think the next time she says it, you say, What do you mean? I'm their Mummy and you're their Nanna!' Repeat it every time, she may get the message eventually.

twilight3 · 10/08/2013 11:18

I'd think it slip of the tongue, it's not lke your kids will grow up thinking she's their mum. My dad often refers to my daughter by my name, doesn't even know he does it

RiffyWammal · 10/08/2013 11:20

I did this once with my granddaughter (said 'bring it to mommy' or something), it was a complete slip of the tongue and I was so glad her mom wasn't around to hear it as I would hate her to think I did it on purpose. Similarly, my granddaughter often calls me mommy accidentally.

As others have said only you can know what her intention might be. Does she seem apologetic or embarrassed when you point it out?

oldgrandmama · 10/08/2013 11:22

I call my five grandkids and the cat, by each other's names all the time. Everyone laughs. But I ALWAYS call myself 'grandmama' and they do too (except the cat, of course). Picking up one of the little granddaughters from school one day, the teacher spotted me and said to granddaughter 'oh, nanny's here to collect you ...' At which GD said sternly 'she's not nanny, she's GRANDMAMA!'

Your MIL does sound a bit strange - but maybe she's fairly new to this grandmotherly lark?

JimminyBillyBob · 10/08/2013 11:23

Correct her. Every time.
'You mean Nan / Nanny / Gran / whatever GP-role she calls herself."

Original poster
appletarts · 10/08/2013 19:35

Thanks for replies, it's really helpful. She's not senile or forgetful, she's very young and on the ball. She also told me not to phone when she's babysitting the kids which I found a bit weird. She also has previous for ignoring my wishes and doing her own thing, such as taking them places. It does all feel a bit uncomfy to me.

OP posts:
LouiseAderyn · 10/08/2013 20:59

Ordinarily, this would piss me off and I would assume she was doing it on purpose, but today I referred to myself as mummy, to my mother's poodle! So giving her the benefit of the doubt and assumng it is a slip of the tongue.

I do think you should put a stop to it though, in a nice way.

HeffalumpTheFlump · 10/08/2013 22:31

My nan and grandad looked after me and my brother a lot in our childhood. My nan would often call herself mummy by accident and often tell us to go ask daddy something, meaning my grandad. This was completely accidental and as I knew that she was my mums mum, and my grandad was my mums dad, I knew why she had made the mistake. I didn't ever get confused as to who my mummy or daddy was! And they looked after us at least 50% of the time.

You obviously know your mother in law, so only you can judge if it's definitely being done in a weird way or if it's accidental like with my nan. If its malicious then I can understand why it's pissing you off, if not then I really wouldn't worry.

HeffalumpTheFlump · 10/08/2013 22:34

Forgot to say, my nan still often refers to my grandad as daddy when talking to me, and i actually find it really cute. It's nice to think that my grandad was the daddy in their little family. I just find it really sweet.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 10/08/2013 22:44

Sounds to me like she thinks she is too young and hip and cool to be a granny. maybe she wants your DC to call her mummy so that when they are out and about on their own (with you not ringing them? WTF is that about?) people will assume that she is mummy and not granny?

Actually I had this with my mum a bit. It was a huge negotiation about what the DDs were going to call her. DD1 was a matter of days or weeks old and she was agonising over it. I was like "Mum it's going to be, um, a little while before DD1 is calling anyone anything..." After much agonising, she decided on Nana. Grandma or Gran was "too old".

I wonder if your mum is going through this? What are the DC "supposed" to call her? Maybe it would help if you came up with a more acceptable name for her?

I intend to be Grandma, because that's what I called mine.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 10/08/2013 22:45

Plus I'm going to be an old gimmer by the time I get grandkids I expect.

LimitedEditionLady · 10/08/2013 22:53

Oh no,thatd really annoy me.Id call her something granny related that i know she wouldnt like to the kids in front of her so she can correct it back to the correct form of grandma.(old granny jones,granny pants, something irritating ha)

lillibet1 · 11/08/2013 20:40

yes its annoying but my DM and DMIL both do it as does my DF Just every so often ( when DS was very new it was quite regular but he was a first grandchild) hopefully she will remember that she is Granny / nanny nanna gran nan or many of the other things she will get called over the next few eyars

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 11/08/2013 20:44

Your kids aren't going to think for a second that she is their Mum for a second, so the only one looking foolish here is her.

It wouldn't occur to me to mind, but I appreciate there is probably more to your relationship with her than this post alone.

younglove · 13/08/2013 21:10

Yes, there looks to be more to this issue here than just these incidents alone. TBH OP you seem to have a lot of issues with people and various family members and you sound very angry. Maybe you should take a look at your own behaviour?

roweeena · 13/08/2013 22:31

My MIL won't be referred to as gran/grandma etc instead she chose a name which is extremely similar to mummy.

My SIL had her DS first and let this happen so I feel like we have to refer to her by this daft made up nearly mummy name but it really bloody grates!

musicismylife · 13/08/2013 23:01

Years ago, my sister used to take my daughter out for the day (leaving me behind) .

She would ring up in the morning on the pretence of spending the day with us, come around, ask if she could take dd out whist strapping her in car seat and before I could answer, feck off for the day Hmm

It all got a little strange to say the fucking least