to feel annoyed when people 'diagnose' ASD on here?

[JaneFonda]

It doesn't happen in every thread of this kind, but it does happen quite often.

If the OP is talking about someone who has been horrible, insensitive, or plain unkind, there is quite often someone who will suggest that maybe the person has ASD, or something similar.

I don't have DCs with autism, but I do have friends who do, and I find it so sad that it is regularly suggested that someone who is mean or spiteful could be that way due to autistic traits.

I completely understand people wanting to point out that maybe someone has social difficulties, and that people should be considerate even if someone isn't very nice, but AIBU to feel annoyed that it is suggested so often on here?

It is annoying when someone diagnoses anything online, because nobody can possibly know without being there and/or being a professional.

However, if someone states 'it could be ASD/the flu/etc' then to me that is not a problem as someone is just putting across what something could be. Equally if someone says, 'It's quite likely that...' or 'In my experience' as again, these aren't diagnosing someone, these are stating from personal experience/knowledge.

But yes if someone says, 'Oh your child has ASD/ADHD' then that isn't right. But how many people would overtly state 'your child has ASD'. I think they are more likely to say, 'he sounds like he has ASD' or the like.

True AgentZigzag I mostly don't care in RL how me or my family are perceived, we relish our individuality. We don't mind being judged for something we are, we just don't want to be judged for something we aren't. I guess that's why I find it so frustrating when there is so much misunderstanding around ASD.

I agree it can be awful to see the flaming that some people get on here for acting outside the rules. TBH though most of the time I agree with the majority or if I don't agree I rarely care enough to post about it, that's why I love MN

'TBH though most of the time I agree with the majority or if I don't agree I rarely care enough to post about it, that's why I love MN'

If I've got something to say, there's usually at least three posters who have said it far better than I could have (although if I make the effort I try to put a bit more than 'yeah, agree with X' as if someone's keeping score.)

On the one hand YANBU. It makes me very angry when someone posts on the relationships board about their cold, mean, unpleasant partner and people jump in with the ASD diagnosis. My husband has an ASD. He is the kindest, gentlest, most loving person I have ever met.

On the other hand YABU. A few years ago my teenage daughter was being a complete brat. I posted on a different parenting forum about it and people jumped in with the ASD diagnosis. In desperation I clung to that, even though she was nothing like what I then knew of autism. Turns out they were right and she's now been formally diagnosed.

frogspoon I actually find it terrifying how little knowledge and education teachers are given about ASD and other conditions such as dyspraxia, ADHD etc. Both of my children have ASD and when the first one was diagnosed it was all made far worse by the fact that no teacher, who I would have expected to be able to seek advice from, had a clue what I was talking about .

It's BRILLIANT that you are looking to increase your knowledge on it because you will need it and a teacher knowing about it and bring able to discuss it with a scared and lost parent will make all the difference.

Oh and out of my dc, my ds is the kindest gentlest person you could imagine, although does lash out occasionally but would never seek deliberately to hurt. Dd on the other hand has very high anxiety and will blame and attack those around her in order to feel some sort of control. So very, very different.

Also in the cases of children and behaviour on here I have regularly thought "that's ASD" when reading behaviours and issues described. I have never said it though unless loads of others have before me. I remember clearly how terrified I was when concerns were first raised about ds so I don't want to do that to someone on line when I am in no way an "expert".

I must say though that I never think ASD when reading about adult bad behaviour, I just think "twunt!" Which is wrong I suppose but to be honest I am not sure that abusive behaviour can be explained by an ASD. I mean you were initially attracted to and fell in love with them didn't you? Where were those behaviours then? IMO CHOOSING to be an arse is a far more likely explanation, whether the person has ASD or not.

ASD or not its not an excuse for behaviour... Whether that behaviour is from an adult or a child.

My son has ASD and I have to be absolutely strong on this point because he has challenging behaviour and can be verbally aggressive and violent towards others.

Whilst ASD explains the behaviours if we excused them they would never change and I have to live in hope that they will.

So it frankly scares me to read posts that say 'that's ASD' with regards to challenging behaviour as they almost never followed up with 'this child / adult needs to address their social skills with a view to learning how best to deal with them so that their behaviour does not adversely affect others'

I know there is a opinion out there that we should be more tolerant, etc but the harsh reality of that for me is this: my son, at 9, is already nearly bigger than me and when he having a meltdown he is stronger than me. He thinks nothing of hurting anyone and there are significant concerns that he will seriously injure me or someone else.

So whilst tolerance has its place in ensuring that people understand / don't react badly to him when he is trying to hold it together it can not become an excuse for parents, professionals and those with ASD themselves.

Excusing behaviour / using ASD to explain away negative behaviour devalues the continual hard work I do & his school does to try and change his responses. This work that might keep him from exclusion / hurting someone / out of prison - it's important work as my son is actually beautiful, intelligent, funny and at times thoughtful

I can see both sides, it's great to make suggestions to help understanding BUT I am getting increasingly annoyed by the frequent associations which equate 'bad behaviour' and mental health (as seen on numerous threads this week). Both of these things can exist independently or concurrently but not interchangeably.

The flippant diagnoses also, to me, trivialise the complexity of mental health issues which is part of the reason why those diagnosed with mental health disorders often get such a raw deal in society...... and also why Psychiatrists often face an uphill struggle in terms of patient care.

I thougth aspergers was high functioning autism?
or something

Not in UK and we were given 'autism' dx for toddler DS, followed by 'symptoms present as mild'.
A. Because at 2.3 yrs it was hard to know if normal speech development ( he used hundreds of words but in a slightly odd way)
B. because USA uses DSM and AS dropped from latest DSM.

My son has challenging behaviour but we work on it....I am hopeful that he will have this under control as an adult because of the work we are doing now.

I do suspect though that there are many adults with undiagnosed autism. Likewise with ADHD which IMHO is just another part of the spectrum but which at least responds to medication.

Therefore I have no issue with people pondering on the possibility of ASD or even undiagnosed ASD.

There are/were 4 categories for autism:

Kanner's/Classic autism = autism with below average IQ
High functioning autism = autism with average/above average IQ
Asperger's syndrome = autism with average/above average IQ and no delayed language development
PDD-NOS = autism with gaps in historical information which mean the exact category cannot be decided.

YANBU somebody diagnosed Apsergers yesterday on a unrelated thread about a shallow person I was when they said it sounds aspie to me

Days I completely agree with you. AS/ASD is not an excuse for bad behaviour.

But I think that it should be talked about as an explanation if it means that people are getting more tolerant of 'milder' behaviour.
ie: physical aggression is unacceptable (my own ds is like this at home... so we work very very hard on that.
But being blunt or not wanting to talk/doing small talk might be annoying, might feel 'hurtful' when you don't why someone reacts like this but the knowledge/explanation of AS can go a long way to avoid the NT person feeling hurt and the AS person being better integrated.

Living with DH who has AS, I would say that it is essential not to fall into the trap of accepting behaviour just as aggressive behaviour. But for me to be more tolerant of his bluntness or his lack of talking is also essential if we want to carry on living together.

Jake I think the issue here is when every example of bad or antisocial behaviour gets linked to ASD. Not every person with ASD behave badly or are antisocial. On here it seems like it's becoming linked to behaving like a tosspot.
I have no issue of supportive posters suggesting ASD assessments but that's not what we are referring to.

I agree FreudianSlap the diagnoses come oh so easily on here, of all sorts - mental health, medical issues, the list goes on and on.
I'm in the medical profession, I've often had to hide the health threads because I get so fed up of the misdiagnoses and alarmist posters. Not everything is something dramatic and to play armchair consultant, while sometimes can be helpful, can also be dangerous and waste a lot of people's time.

DayshiftDoris you are in a tough situation and I completely understand your post.
There is a fine line to tread here with children and adults with ASD.
Teaching social skills is for the benefit of everyone, having firm and consistent boundaries, ensuring the child understands that violence and aggression are unacceptable etc all of these are very important.
However, I pick my battles with my DS. I don't want him to try and act like a neuro typical child because he can't and to put it in his words 'it hurts his soul'.
There is a reason for some of his behaviours, that is not an excuse, it's a reason. As long as those behaviours (and I'm not talking about violence or aggression) are doing others no harm I don't see why he should stop them. The important thing for us is that we can maintain our relationship with him with trust and love so that we can gently guide him.
We expect others to understand that make some adjustments for him.

mrsjay I don't like the term Aspie anyway. It's like they are no more than this word. Like all people with Aspergers are the same. Of course that's simply not true so Aspie sounds derogatory to me.

Even while this thread has been running I've seen ASD bandied about on other threads with very little thought or sensitivity

Aspie seems to be the cosy word for Aspergers a sort of personality instead of a medical condition

Ok, my son and his teenage friends with AS refer to themselves as Aspies. I would only ever use the term if the individual with Asperger's used it, and never as a matter of course. Child with ASD, ASC, HFA, AS...it is up to the parent and the child to choose how they prefer to describe the additional need.
I have never used it of a child in my school, or when discussing anyone else on the spectrum. Vicarinatutu uses the term Aspie in exactly the same context, with her adult son.

People do tend to be armchair doctors.

Having said that, I had a boyfriend once who I think had Asperger's Syndrome as he had a lot of the traits. I wouldn't have dreamt of diagnosing him, though.

Oh, and this website www.aspiesforfreedom.com