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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at being addressed as

55 replies

fanjobiscuits · 09/08/2013 16:22

Mrs husbands first name, husbands second name. It's on a card that's just come through the letterbox. I didn't change my name when married and always go by Ms.

I don't normally worry too much about people sending mail assuming we share his second name. But not even my first name? Grrerreerrre.

AIBU?

OP posts:
FrigginRexManningDay · 09/08/2013 16:23

That's one of my pet peeves. I have a name,I am a complete person not an extension of my husband.

Dackyduddles · 09/08/2013 16:25

Maybe but tradition and in many circles that is the most courteous way of addressing you.

Be glad it wasn't genuinely rude just unmodern.

Justforlaughs · 09/08/2013 16:27

Hehe, one reason why I'm glad that I and my DH share our first initial!

BadgersRetreat · 09/08/2013 16:29

it is the traditional way of addressing a married woman when you don't know her first name, sadly.

Original poster
fanjobiscuits · 09/08/2013 16:29

Hmmm Dacky yes I suppose it was better than 'dear f*ckface' or something. But still really don't like it.

OP posts:
NotEnoughTime · 09/08/2013 16:30

YANBU-I would be really pissed off too.

Original poster
fanjobiscuits · 09/08/2013 16:31

Badgers - haven't opened it yet but strongly suspect it will be from someone who does know my first name.

OP posts:
NoComet · 09/08/2013 16:36

YANBU
l've just had a booking back addressed to mr. x and mrs S Bunny.

Why is his name first on the envolope, in fact why is it on the envolope at all? I emailed and I rang to put the deposit on my credit card, Mr X Bunny has had no contact with them whatsoever.

DidoTheDodo · 09/08/2013 16:36

It s the old fashioned correct way to address a married woman..
Mrs John Smith, she's married to John
Mrs Jane Smith, she's divorced.
So sorry YABU.

(I didn't even change my surname on marriage so I can talk...)

namechangeforthispost864269 · 09/08/2013 16:39

oh I'm so with you on this my pil and their friends are from deepest darkest Yorkshire very old fashioned values, I shouldn't work, hubby knows best etc... surprisingly my dh is perfectly normal!

I love my surname it means a lot to me so when i got married to dh I said I wanted to keep my surname. dh didn't want me having a different surname to him and suggested he took my name. I told him if he wanted to do this he could. much to his parents and siblings horror.

everything we get a card from anyone related to dh or his parents friends its always Mr and Mrs (husbands first name and old surname) on my birthday I get cards addressed to Mrs husbands first name and old surname...and usually a living message inside like...birthday regards then the initials of whoever sent it..

I think they really struck the jackpot with me lololol

lifesgreatquestions · 09/08/2013 16:42

I have experienced this with people who refuse to acknowledge that times have moved on. I tried to correct/update the offender to no avail. In the end I refused to acknowledge anything that came from them!

BlingLoving · 09/08/2013 16:48

I feel that any old fashioned way of referring to a woman is annoying. So, even it addressed you as Mrs YourName HisName, that would annoy me as you didn't take his name at all.

I do have some sympathy when women do become Mrs DHSurname and people therefore assume (understandably I think) that the woman therefore is happy to be referred to in a traditional manner ie as Mrs DHname DHSurname. It's hard to take one part of the tradition and be surprised when people can't understand that.

However, in your case, as you did not take any of DH's names, I think this is completely unacceptable. If it's from someone you know, I would email them. They will most likely roll their eyes at you in some manner, but tough. They are wrong. And rude.

Yes, rude. It is rude to address someone by a name different to the name you know is the name they prefer to be called. Similarly, I consider it rude when people use nicknames for me I am clear that I do not like. And I consider it rude when people call me Mrs DHSurname seeing as I have never been anything but Ms Bling Loving.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 09/08/2013 16:51

YANBU. I am actually less patient with this kind of thing as I grow older. Times have changed. The traditional form is sexist and references a time when women were the property of their husbands and had no separate legal existence. I would correct your correspondent, especially if they should know better.

JassyRadlett · 09/08/2013 17:24

Actually, I do find it genuinely rude. A lot of things that were once acceptable, or even polite, are no longer so. Not recognising woman's separate identity from her husband's should be in that category.

confused3331 · 09/08/2013 17:28

Yanbu I did not change my name either and am a Ms. but She insisted on addressing me with dh's surname. And then mocked me about not changing it making all these 'whoooooo' noises. Twat ! Not really surprising that dh said he caught her practicing signing her married name before she had even been proposed to.

confused3331 · 09/08/2013 17:31

And yes I do think its rude for people not to use your actual name. Even on my wedding day the registrar introduced us as mr & mrs blah blah. Just shows you just how much this is very much still a mans world

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 09/08/2013 17:34

YANBU, I hate this as well. I am Ms Ownsurname. I tolerate it when the sender doesn't know this and has assumed wrongly, but it really winds me up when they know perfectly well.

RevoltingPeasant · 09/08/2013 17:35

Confused, at our wedding the registrar said, "Congratulations, Mrs... Oh, I should ask, are you changing your name?"

Me: "Nope, still a Peasant!" :)

10 minutes later.... DH picks up our marriage certificate......... on the outside envelope........

You guessed it: 'Mr and Mrs Hisname'

Confused You just can't win!

Monstamio · 09/08/2013 17:50

This thread makes me think of Princess Michael of Kent. For years and years I thought she was actually called Michael.

I still don't know what her name is

MelanieCheeks · 09/08/2013 17:52

I don't particualrly like it, but I know it's the tradtional formal form of address, so it would depend who sent it.

If it was someone who knows me and my views, then they'd be doing it deliberately to wind me up.

If it was an anonymous comapny, I'd let it slide without wasting my energy getting annoyed.

solveproblem · 09/08/2013 17:58

This has never happened to me and I've been married for seven years, but it would annoy me a lot.

One thing that annoys me at work is that I receive letters from companies, addressed to me, but the letters start with 'Dear Sir,'!!!

I've also received diplomas from CPD courses which have included 'he has successfully...' with my very female name at the top.

Surely it won't take that much effort to change their templates for me!

badguider · 09/08/2013 18:01

It's old fashioned and I think far more women hate it than like it.
I wouldn't do it.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 09/08/2013 18:04

I've kept my maiden name, but it doesn't annoy me in the slightest to be addressed as you've said; it's just formal and technically correct.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 09/08/2013 18:10

Mrs MyName HisSurname wouldn't bother me, whether I'd taken his name or not, but Mrs HisName HisSurname would annoy me, but only to the point of going in the junk mail :)

If it's something important (bank etc) they'd be told - clearly, but other than that nah.

Original poster
fanjobiscuits · 09/08/2013 18:11

Nice to find some fellow souls on mumsnet :0)

I don't hold with the argument that it's the 'correct' way todo things just because it has been traditionally. That seems a bit of a slippery slope to go down, especially when the tradition is based on a time of less equal status.

OP posts:
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