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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at being addressed as

55 replies

fanjobiscuits · 09/08/2013 16:22

Mrs husbands first name, husbands second name. It's on a card that's just come through the letterbox. I didn't change my name when married and always go by Ms.

I don't normally worry too much about people sending mail assuming we share his second name. But not even my first name? Grrerreerrre.

AIBU?

OP posts:
secretscwirrels · 09/08/2013 18:11

Keeping my own name when I got married seemed so important to me when I was young. I really don't care now but my teenage DCs do.
They understand my reasons but they have always hated having a different name to me, even more so as they get older. I don't know anyone else of my age (55) who kept their maiden name.
DS1 says he doesn't care which name we use but a family should all have the same name. I wish I had known this as I would have changed it when they were born.

HahaHarrie · 09/08/2013 18:18

YANBU - it is archaic. I hate it! I know it makes my mother's blood boil too. They never make the same mistake twice with her!

PerchedOnMyPeddleStool · 09/08/2013 18:25

I recently had a lump sum to invest.
The woman I dealt with also deals with our mortgages and stuff.

As I said, it was my lump sum, made out to me, she met my DH once in Ll the time we've been dealing with her.
Still when I had filled all the forms signed on dotted lines she handed them back to me with little stickies.
For DH to sign. I said he doesn't need to and she offered me the phone to call him and make sure it was ok....

We don't deal with them anymore.

sameoldIggi · 09/08/2013 18:27

Secrets, you might find in the future your dc come to appreciate your name choice more.

I think if you had your reasons for not changing in the first place, that should be respected and is more important, in this instance, than the wishes of your dc.

clam · 09/08/2013 18:31

Well, to whoever it was who said it's the traditional and courteous way of addressing a married woman: it's not "courteous" if she's offended by it.
My dad tried to insist our wedding place cards were addressed in this way. I said "no WAY!"
I can just about tolerate Mr and Mrs John Smith on an envelope, but I would get very stabby about just being Mrs John Smith alone. My name is Jane, not John, and I don't see why I should have to divorce in order to qualify to be addressed by my Christian name.

amicissimma · 09/08/2013 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontCallMeBaby · 09/08/2013 18:43

I would hate it - no one who knew me personally would do it (actually I'm not sure what the in-laws do, probably just Mr & Mrs Hisname), and no company should be doing it in 2013. I'm a separate person with a forename of my own who has chosen to have the same surname as my husband, not some nameless female appendage of his!

I address personal mail to couples as A & B Surname, no titles, as I don't really like them. Formal mail to us looks quite odd as it's often Mr A Hisname and Ms B Hisname - technically correct but does look peculiar!

LimitedEditionLady · 09/08/2013 18:47

Nope wouldnt bother me,all you are is his wife now,you married him therefore you are his property....i joke.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 09/08/2013 18:50

No titles at all is really the way forward, I think. The Quakers have it right: just the name on the envelope with no title, and if it is formal, the salutation is Dear Jane Smith.

x2boys · 09/08/2013 18:56

apparently one of kate middletons titles is princess William of wales. I took my husbands surname at marriage but I would be very annoyed to receive a card/invitation to mr and mrs /insert dh first and second name mr and mrs my first name and dh first name plus our last name is just fine

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2013 18:59

Apparently when your husband dies, that's when you go back to Mrs YourForename HisSurname.

ComposHat · 09/08/2013 19:10

That would make my blood boil.

I've been on a milder form of this....

I'm a gentleman mumsnetter and after our recent marriage both my wife and I kept our surnames (incurring the wrath of one of her distant relatives in the process, but that's another story)

It seems a concept that people struggle with. Upon realising we are married and her name is 'Jane Smith' insist on writing her name as 'Mrs Jane Smith' and will address me as Mr Smith.

It is getting rather wearing explaining in shops/sorting out insurance that 'she is Ms Smith, I am Mr Hat, yes we are married.'

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2013 19:12

I didn't realise you were a gentleman, ComposHat! Is your wife on here?

ComposHat · 09/08/2013 19:15

She is a lurker, but not a poster!

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2013 19:27

Ohh tell her to join in!

Mixxy · 09/08/2013 19:28

I kept my own name after marriage. We received a wedding invitation addressed to Mr. and Mrs. DHs first Name, DH Second name. I was livid.

And to the poster who saI'd it was "technically" correct: it's only technically correct if you have gone a legally changed your name.

ComposHat · 09/08/2013 19:30

I've tried Imperial. I've tried!

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2013 20:10

When I got married the registrar told me that nobody actually changes their name, it's just custom and practice that names change. I didn't change mine but when I got divorced I was made to sign a deed poll change of name thingy to swear I would never call myself Mrs Ex. I never had!

sameoldIggi · 09/08/2013 20:19

Scone, that's very interesting about the Quakers

ConferencePear · 09/08/2013 20:27

It used to be correct, but it's sounding a little quaint now. I did have an elderly relative who hated it when she was addressed as Mrs Jane Smith after her husband died because she said it reminded her constantly that she was a widow.

ElphabaTheGreen · 09/08/2013 20:34

I loathe, detest and despise being called Mrs DHFirst Name DHSurname, mainly because it's done by DH's paternal grandmother who was hopping mad that I didn't take DH's name when we married. The fact that she sends cards and even writes cheques (that we obviously can't cash) to DS DHSurname, when we've clearly told her several times that it's double-barrelled with mine, is obviously a bit of a sticking point for her as well. Mind you, I really dislike titles and find Ms TheGreen quite uncomfortable. I'm just Elphaba, me Smile

In a similar vein a friend of mine received an invitation to an event addressed to 'Dr and Mrs Friend'. My friend is a man, his wife is the PhD. Angry

MrsBW · 09/08/2013 20:42

Nope, I can't get that worked up about being called Mrs DHsFirstNme OurSurname.

Simply because, no matter why the convention was introduced, I know none of my friends/family believe I am a nameless attachment to my husband.

Just a quaint tradition so far as I'm concerned.

wigglybeezer · 09/08/2013 21:14

A question I have always meant to ask Other mumsnetters; it is traditional in scotland for women to revert to their maiden name on their gravestones, although it is rarer on more modern memorials than on older ones, has anyone noticed it in old graveyards in other places. I quite like it.
Incidentally, I kept my own name for a few years after I married but gave up when it got too complicated having a different name to the children.

badguider · 09/08/2013 21:19

In scotland a woman never 'gives up' her maiden name entirely, it still appears for eg. on her children's birth certificates along side her married name. We are automatically always known by both. Even my MILs maiden name is on my birth cert as dh's mother even though she was married at the time and she's been married since.

So it doesn't surprise me that it's sometimes used in death too as it'll also be on the death cert.

badguider · 09/08/2013 21:20

doh!!! sorry my MIL Is on my MARRIAGE cert. Not my birth cert (that would be freaky)