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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider going away on my own for a weekend?

86 replies

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2013 12:26

i took ds to egypt for 2 weeks in july so he has had a good holiday this summer already.

i'm a single mum and only work term time (though i start back a bit earlier than him in september).

i am going stark raving mad.

would it be horrible of me to go away for a weekend without ds? he would stay with my parents and i would probably go visit a friend or possibly even just disappear on my own entirely somewhere?

is it bad to spend money and time on myself rather than take him with or just suck up the fact that summer holidays 24/7 parenting is driving me insane?

i don't actually know where i'd go or what i want to do so that's a question too - what would you do if you could manage to carve out a weekend to yourself?

OP posts:
freemanbatch · 09/08/2013 13:05

If I could find anyone to have my two kids I'd be off somewhere even if it was just overnight. DD1 doesn't sleep and regularly wakes up screaming therefore DD2 doesn't get enough sleep and they argue a lot and baby in my belly does a good job of kicking me awake in the few hours I have in bed so I'd be off with only the unavoidable passenger given half the chance Grin

Go and go somewhere nice and do whatever you want and your ds will not only love the time with his grandparents he will also love having a relaxed, happy mummy when you get back Smile

PeterParkerSays · 09/08/2013 14:10

Read this. Then dare to say you wouldn't benefit from, a break.

Leeds2 · 09/08/2013 14:18

Ring your mum now, and sort out which weekend would be convenient.

Spend this evening with a glass of wine in hand browsing potential destinations. Book it!

Personally, I would choose the seaside.

KateCroydon · 09/08/2013 14:22

Go. If you're craving solitude you could check out the good retreat guide.

sameoldIggi · 09/08/2013 14:32

Absolutely not unreasonable. From your ds's pov, it's just a fun weekend with gps. during which you are sitting at home missing him

You will be a better parent for having had a break.

reelingintheyears · 09/08/2013 18:16

So, where'ya going?

gordyslovesheep · 09/08/2013 18:19

Do it - I do - just to re-charge my mum batteries

clam · 09/08/2013 18:26

The only question I'd have is why on earth you're in any doubt that you should? Are there seriously people who think it's wrong, once a woman has given birth, to have "me-time?"

Ragwort · 09/08/2013 18:30

Agree with clam - I love holidaying/weekending away without my DH or DS. Just the chance to do what I want without endless compromises (usually means no one is actually enjoying themselves Grin. Why shouldn't anyone who wants to (funds/childcare arrangements permitting of course) have a break? My DH has some boring hobbies that he loves to do alone, I just want to be alone in a nice city with a large glass or two of wineSmile.

sparklekitty · 09/08/2013 18:32

I'm not a single parent but I will quite happily leave my DD with my DH for a day (I would love a weekend but she's only 10mo and won't settle at night)

I get regular breaks where my DH helps out and I still have days away. Absolutely no different to you leaving DS with GP and having wknd away.

Go for it, you'll feel so much better and have more energy once you've taken to time to recharge your batteries. Not selfish at all, see it as giving your DS a refreshed mummy at the endGrin

Original poster
swallowedAfly · 10/08/2013 08:22

clam no i don't believe that - god no! but i suppose it's a combo of:

  • ds would love to go away with me again
  • i will be spending money and using up dogsitting favours so that realistically we won't get to go away again together this summer
  • i do actually feel a bit bad for how stir crazy i am
  • i worry that actually it will make me feel worse, that having a couple of days to myself will make it even harder itms.
OP posts:
reelingintheyears · 10/08/2013 08:50

You can still do nice things with DS again this summer that don't involve going away, he has had a lovely holiday in Egypt.
Why don't you give yourself a break by just going away for a day and a night if a week/end feels like too long.
You know, just to recharge the old batteries.

raisah · 10/08/2013 09:29

I am going to leave my kids for a week with my parents & go away for a fee days. I need to recharge my batteries and if I don't sleep straight through the night for a few nights I will kill someone! You shouldnt feel guilty because there will come a time when your ds will put his needs first. You need to cultivate your own social life now in preparation for that time which will come quickly.

Back2Two · 10/08/2013 09:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Original poster
swallowedAfly · 10/08/2013 11:36

i'm seeing my parents tomorrow and will have a chat about it and sound out if they'd mind having for 2 or 3 days at some point this month.

i already sounded out ds and he was a tad 'i want to come' but cool about it really.

OP posts:
cushtie335 · 10/08/2013 15:06

Most folks with young DCs I'm sure will have felt like this at some point. I used to fantasise about booking into a Premier Inn in town and just wallowing in the bath/shower, ordering room service and watching shite on the telly all night. Having a big bed all to myself, sleeping through the whole night and getting up to a cooked (by someone else) breakfast. Never actually did it, but totally would have if the chance had arisen lol.

Original poster
swallowedAfly · 10/08/2013 15:09

joking aside i have felt weirdly on the edge of a panic attack all day today and filled with a horrible sense of shame about my own anxiousness and irritability and lack of engagement with ds.

i'm being a crap mum today but actually just not spiralling into faceless anxiety and shame is proving challenge enough.

i'm hoping this is premenstrual hell as i keep having awful cramps but then my period doesn't come.

friggin' hate anxiety especially when there is no real reason.

OP posts:
cushtie335 · 10/08/2013 15:12

I used to suffer terrible anxiety over nothing and everything. Whatever I did as a Mum I felt was "wrong". If I spent time with them I was convinced I was "smothering" them and preventing them from making their own decisions/creating friendsihps. Not enough time and I was abandoning and neglecting them. It's like a stupid cracked record that goes round your head in a loop, only you can remove the needle, stop it in its tracks. You are a loving, caring mother but you need to spend some time looking after yourself as well. You're not the bloody Giving Tree! :)

Original poster
swallowedAfly · 10/08/2013 15:18

thanks feel like i need a big cry about pretty much bugger all.

maybe this is why i was worried by the idea of going away because i'm scared i'm.... 'not right' or might just spend the time doing my own head in and feeling lonely.

hmmpf.

OP posts:
cushtie335 · 10/08/2013 15:21

Sometimes a bit of time alone to go through your thoughts is a very good thing and sometimes you need distractions. That could be reading a book/watching a film/drinking yourself to oblivion/meeting a friend for a chinwag. Maybe one night away to begin with to see how you feel and then longer if it works out for you?

Original poster
swallowedAfly · 10/08/2013 15:21

i know what the anxiety is really - i think i'm overdosing on shame at the minute. loads of stuff going round in my head that i've done or am doing wrong and lots has gone on recently to make me feel vulnerable.

you know when you just want your head to stop? that is bad enough but doing that in tandom with trying to be present for your child is really fucking hard.

OP posts:
cushtie335 · 10/08/2013 15:25

Maybe you need more help then? Your GP might be able to refer you for counselling or Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to move you on mentally. There are a lot of resources on the web as well, google NHS sites that can give you pointers towards maintaining good mental health. Other things that can help are cutting down on stimulants, eating well and getting fresh air and exercise. You probably know all this already, please forgive me if I sound patronising. I just know I've been in your shoes and on a bad day I would have traded places with anyone, just not to be "me". When I'm well I wouldn't want to be anyone else BUT "me". You deserve to feel that way too.

Original poster
swallowedAfly · 10/08/2013 15:30

thanks cushtie. i know the drill - been here before and no doubt will be again and there is a clear line of things that have been/are going on to point at as 'why' it's overloading at the minute.

i actually started seeing a private counsellor a couple of weeks ago because i was aware i was feeling vulnerable and that feeling was kicking off a lot of stuff for me and i needed to try and address it rather than just avoid vulnerability at all costs itms. was aware that my spiral of shame head was getting triggered very easily and i needed to try and stop going there.

sorry - feel embarrassed that my light aibu thread has turned into me splurging my laundry all over the shop.

i think i'm actually feeling a bit lonely and unsupported which is really hard for me to admit because i invest so much of my self worth in how independent i am etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
swallowedAfly · 10/08/2013 15:32

i guess it's not a couple of days away that i need really though that's what my head seized on. not sure what it is i need except that maybe - impossible as it is obviously - it would be nice to be taken care of rather than take care 'of' for a bit. not an option though.

OP posts:
cushtie335 · 10/08/2013 15:35

Strong independent people tend to "crash" much harder than ones who are needy and clingy and expect everyone else to pick up after them emotionally so what you're feeling is perfectly natural. I don't really know what else to say to you as you probably know already how it's all going to play out eventually. I just hope you get to where you need to be bud.