can you help me get perspective please? Or tell me DH is U...

[TwoTearsInABucket]

I am feeling guilty, but not feeling like I am being completely U in this situation - perhaps you can tell me.

DH works in an office, he hates it, and I mean hates it. We have 2 DC, 5 and 4 and I am 25 weeks pregnant with DC3. I do freelance work at home. I am tired most of the time. Things like going to the park with the kids absolutely drains me.
In the holidays, my plan was to get up and work in the mornings before the kids wake up and then do about an hour while they are awake. And then do work in the evenings and at weekends. The only time I seem to be in a fit state to work is at the weekends. I go hell for leather at the weekends and then I am wiped out in the week.
DH is really worried about paying the mortgage off before it runs out, he doesn't want to work in the office with a passion and he had yet another strop today about how I don't to do a stroke of work in the week, and then he has to give up his weekends so I can work. He thinks I don't work in the week because I know I have the weekends to do it.

I have tried to explain how tired I get, I have tried to explain that looking after the children isn't exactly doing nothing and sometimes he is very sympathetic and other times, like this morning, he gets up in an absolute strop, goes on about giving up his weekends and me making promises i can't keep (i.e. working in the week).

Sometimes he says I shouldn't work too hard doing my freelance work because of my pregnancy, and other times its all about how we need to pay the mortgage and I am not supporting him. Its never quite right, all based on his absolute hatred of going to work in an office, which I am sure he sees as my fault. He doesn't want me to get stressed because he wants me to have a healthy pregnancy and then every week at the very least has a go at me about the working. It would all be fine if I did my work in the mornings and evenings and at the weekends but not for too long so he doesn't have to "give up" too much time (ie look after the kids).

Tell me if AIBU, even a bit please. Thanks.

He's being a knob.

You are working all week looking after the children, this means that he can go to work (and boohoo that he doesn't like his job, most people don't like their jobs much) and not have to pay for childcare.

You cannot entertain 2 young children in the week and get work done. It is not viable unless they go to childcare a couple of days. So, you compromise and work at the weekend.

They are his kids too and if he wants you to be able to contribute financially then he has to suck it up and do some of the childcare.

He is BU.
When you have a family there are DCs to be looked after and money to be earned. You both seem to be working hard.
He is (perhaps understandably) bitching because he hates he job.
What does he hate about it?
Does he know what he wants to do?
I reckon this needs orating ap because he'll get worse when you're "lazing about" with that new baby.

orating ap ? Doh! Sorting ASAP.

H and fwiw, I have 2 DCs, 2 and 6 mo and I haven't managed to load the dishwasher yet this morning.

How the hell do you do ANY work in the week with children of those ages?
How early do they wake?

I am freelance and work from home and will do almost nothing except field calls and answer the occassional email when my son's at home, he will go to nursery for two days a week to enable me to work.

I think trying to do childcare and work at the same time is MAD!

He is BU. Has he looked/applied for another job if he hates his soooo much?

You are looking after your joint children, and then working at the weekend so don't get a day off either - he is working all week then looking after his children at the weekend so you can work - no day off there.

You are probably both knackered and grumpy and could do with a few lazy weekends :)

OK - how about he takes a week off work and looks after the children - you can also hire him a 'pregnancy' suit and feed him something that makes him feel tired and crap too... then you go away for a week, rest & relax. See how he feels at the end of the week :)

He's being an utter twat. If he doesn't like his job, tell him to find a new one and stop taking it out on you!

Why is him 'looking after the kids at the weekend' any different to you looking after them in the week? What additional 'work' does he get done? Why is he 'allowed' to be 'tired' and want 'time off' but you are supposed to 'double shift' all week so he doesn't have to pull his weight at the weekend???????

I have said that i will take 3 months off after the baby is born and then try to go back to freelance again. The kids will be at school.

He just hates being in an office environment. He wants to start his own business, something that we can all work at. I can't see that realistically happening before all three kids are at school. It will be a fucking nightmare to start up a business before then and I can just see how the arguments will happen.

I completely understand how he hates his job (he has explained often enough), and after we had DC1 we thought it would be best for one parent to stay at home, and we are lucky enough to do that. Unfortunately for DH ( who earns more money than me) it was me that stayed at home. He sees it as the easy option, which to a certain degree it is. But, if I am to work, even if I did work during the week (which I sometimes manage!), I would still have to work at the weekends.

I know he is unhappy and what would make him happy just isn't possible (i.e. I would suddenly find a job that earns shedloads of cash and he could start his own business without having to worry about the mortgage).

I don't understand how he can say both that he doesn't get any time off at the weekend (because he's looking after the kids) but also that you're not doing anything in the week (because you're, er, looking after the kids). He is being a knob.

Is there an end point in sight for this arrangement? If so, he needs to hang tight until you've done it. If not, you both need an end point or your relationship will suffer. As he's being a knob.

He is being a total knob.

You are trying to do two jobs now - your freelance work plus looking after two young children full time, oh and growing a whole other person.

What is the issue with his job, and what is the issue with the mortgage? When you say 'runs out' what does that mean?

If you are getting no rest during the week because of looking after the children, and then working all weekend, then you are both in the same boat.
What normally happens at weekends? He does what he likes and you deal with the DCs as usual?

Another option is to tell him 'fine'.

He can cook in the evenings, things you can have and then keep some back for the kids the next day so you just need to heat it up.

He can 'straighten the house' & do a few 'chores' (ie you do nothing other than look after the kids in the day & work if/when you can).

He can take over with the kids the minute he walks in the door.

He can get stuff ready for them for the next day.

Then you will do the work you need to do in the week - and you can have the weekends to either spend as a family or have one day 'off' each. Or one family day and alternate who gets the 'day off'.

This twat has made me really angry!

I can't believe he thinks that he needs 'time off' and you don't or that looking after his own children is 'giving up too much' - especially as it's in order for you to bloody work.

Entitled fucking idiot.

I had max two hours a day while DC2 was at nursery and DC1 was at school before the summer holidays. i didn't have as much work to do then as I hadn't got that much work in (due to the nature of my freelance work). When that was happening DH would be telling me to get on with my CV and actively look for work.
DC2 starts school in September so I will have a much bigger block of time to do work.

Having said all that, I should be working now! My brain gets fried after DH leaves for work, having had a strop. Excuses, excuses

I will do some work now...

Don't start a business with him. It would be a total and utter nightmare, he's too selfish and immature to handle working together. Keep your independence and your freelancing going.

Oh fuck it, go and make yourself a nice cup of coffee and have a biscuit or do something nice with the kids. He's being a fuckwit.

He is of course being very unreasonable. As others have said
a) lots of people hate their jobs. you are very luckly if you love your job. most of us do it to keep a roof over our heads. he needs to suck it up. or look for another job. preferably a better paid one so that he can pay for holiday childcare to give his pregant wife a rest/oh no sorry to allow his pregnant wife to get of her lazy bum and do some actual work (yes thats sarcasm)
b) you do the childcare during the week. its much harder to look after small children than work in an office. its pretty much impossible to concentrate on non-child work when you have two young childrens demands to meet. and presumably all household chores too. you can reassure him that even though they will both be in school soon, the situation will not get significantly easier until your unborn child is in school/childcare. he'll love that.
c) young children are 'hard work'. he knows this because he looks after them on a weekend. And he's not even pregnant. So why he cannot equate a mere two days of 'hard work' to your five days of 'hard work' I just can't fathom. He is telling you his 'free time' is more important than your 'free time'.
d) I can't go on. He's being a tw*t

ok, just one more message before I do some work!

He does do some housework at the weekends (housework has been a bone of contention since we moved in together many moons ago, when I was a complete lazy caaaaahhhh and hardly did any). At the moment, I manage to do laundry, cook, clean the kitchen and tidy during the week. As well as get kids dressed and take them out/play with them etc. He mostly does the hoovering, the gardening and other bits and bobs. He also cooks when I am really hard at it at the weekends.

I am obviously sticking up for myself here, and DH would have a different story...

There is kind of an endpoint to this situation, but that could change.

We have only being paying interest on the mortgage for the past few years, so we will get to a point where the rest of it will need to be paid.

He's being an arsehole. Selfish dickhead. Grrrr.

Agree with chipping, he sounds deeply immature and self-absorbed.

Does he know what business he wants to do? Or is he just fed up with working in an office?
Other ppl will give more advice.
I just feel hearing about him now.
Just utterly gives me the rage because He is whining about his lot and the blame seems to be shifting to you for having children and looking after them.

He knows that children are hard work, he fell asleep on the sofa at 8pm after being the main carer for 3 days...

Jesus what a twat.

Why can't he go and get a different job? Why does it have to be up to you to make all the effort and changes?

So he considers it 'giving up his weekends' if he has to look after his own children, but he does not see that that is what you do - look after your own children - all week?

YANBU. He is. Tell him to use his holiday to look after the children durng the week so that you can work.

sounds like he's just fed up with his job and is therefore moaning. whatever you did he would moan, so i'd just be sympathetic and carry on as best you can.

has he tried getting some other form of paid employment? maybe something outside an office? setting up your own business can be very stressful, apart from the financial pressure. this sounds as if maybe its a pipedream and that he could look for something else to do in the meantime.

If looking after teh kids is so easy that he expects you to work at the same time then surely his two days at the weekend should be an absolute piece of cake?

I don't understand for a moment why you both seem to think you can do childcare and work at the same time. You're both mad.