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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

can you help me get perspective please? Or tell me DH is U...

53 replies

TwoTearsInABucket · 09/08/2013 09:53

I am feeling guilty, but not feeling like I am being completely U in this situation - perhaps you can tell me.

DH works in an office, he hates it, and I mean hates it. We have 2 DC, 5 and 4 and I am 25 weeks pregnant with DC3. I do freelance work at home. I am tired most of the time. Things like going to the park with the kids absolutely drains me.
In the holidays, my plan was to get up and work in the mornings before the kids wake up and then do about an hour while they are awake. And then do work in the evenings and at weekends. The only time I seem to be in a fit state to work is at the weekends. I go hell for leather at the weekends and then I am wiped out in the week.
DH is really worried about paying the mortgage off before it runs out, he doesn't want to work in the office with a passion and he had yet another strop today about how I don't to do a stroke of work in the week, and then he has to give up his weekends so I can work. He thinks I don't work in the week because I know I have the weekends to do it.

I have tried to explain how tired I get, I have tried to explain that looking after the children isn't exactly doing nothing and sometimes he is very sympathetic and other times, like this morning, he gets up in an absolute strop, goes on about giving up his weekends and me making promises i can't keep (i.e. working in the week).

Sometimes he says I shouldn't work too hard doing my freelance work because of my pregnancy, and other times its all about how we need to pay the mortgage and I am not supporting him. Its never quite right, all based on his absolute hatred of going to work in an office, which I am sure he sees as my fault. He doesn't want me to get stressed because he wants me to have a healthy pregnancy and then every week at the very least has a go at me about the working. It would all be fine if I did my work in the mornings and evenings and at the weekends but not for too long so he doesn't have to "give up" too much time (ie look after the kids).

Tell me if AIBU, even a bit please. Thanks.

OP posts:

LemonPeculiarJones · 09/08/2013 10:43

He needs to overhaul his attitude completely.

Poor you. He's just an extra kid.

Original poster

TwoTearsInABucket · 09/08/2013 10:46

sounds like he's just fed up with his job and is therefore moaning. whatever you did he would moan, so i'd just be sympathetic and carry on as best you can.

dreamingofsun has pretty much summed it up!

He's just rung to apologise, so I had a bit of a rant. That's annoying as he has a go, then apologises and then two days later has a rant again.

He is doing what he is trained to do, he is trying to get a qualification to get more kudos in what he is trained to do, so then he won't have to do it anymore . It makes sense when someone else explains it!

OP posts:

Pachacuti · 09/08/2013 10:47

If he thinks he's kept busy with the children at weekends, he can't simultaneously argue that you have so much free time in the week that you could easily work while looking after them. He has to pick one...

WilsonFrickett · 09/08/2013 10:49

Well hang on a minute here. I know the DH isn't going about things in the best way, but doesn't he have a point? Your set up isn't working for you atm. You can't work during the week because you have the DCs (totally fair enough, I freelance too and it is impossible to work with little children in the house). DH works hard at a job he hates, then comes home and has to be with the children on his own at the weekend while you work like crazy to make up your time.

That honestly doesn't sound like much fun for anyone. You're not spending time together, either as a couple or a family. As I said, I don't think he's gone about it the right way but I'm not surprised he's unhappy.

Can't you get childcare through the week?

ayahushca · 09/08/2013 10:51

He's being unreasonable by the sounds of things, but can't help but feel posters are being very harsh on him He's clearly struggling and frustrated a bit at a very difficult time for you all, and he's working hard (just not appreciating that you are too). As long as he's just being moody (and not threatening etc.) I think calling him a child and an arsehole is over the top based on what we know. Noone's at their best at such stressful times. Gl to you both :)

Original poster

TwoTearsInABucket · 09/08/2013 10:56

I'm not surprised he's unhappy either to be fair to him. He does work hard, he does provide for his family and then he does look after the children.

This won't last forever, I hope, but its the continual rants that I was struggling with this morning. I wake up and sometimes its the first thing I see/hear, a really grumpy face and how I am not doing what I said I would do, ie be at the computer at 6am.

Right, I really have to do some work now ... at the moment I can see his point

OP posts:

jammiedonut · 09/08/2013 10:59

What a moaner. Seriously. Ask him to explain how exactly he proposes to solve the issues he is complaining about. I bet he can't come up with anything! Unfortunately, not everyone loves their job, but with two kids, a third on the way and a mortgage to pay he'll just have to suck it up for now and get on with it. As far as I can see you are merely swapping roles for the weekend- I can't see how either of you are getting time to yourselves if you are both either working or taking care of your children.
You need to nip this in the bud, and soon. It's such an old-fashioned attitude that work outside the ome is ome how more important than work in the home.
Dh tried to pull this shite with me until I drew up a sample bill for a childminder and housekeeper who works 24 hours a day 7 days a week (I didn't factor in any of the actual work I do from home too) like he was expecting me to do! He soon saw the light. Your dh needs to grow up.

BIWI · 09/08/2013 11:03

I'm glad that he's apologised!

It sounds to me like one of the things that you both need to do is to have a look at your finances, especially your mortgage, and really assess what you're doing.

I can totally understand why he might be worrying about your mortgage, if you only have an interest-only one and you haven't got anything in place to pay the mortgage off.

(Not that it's any excuse for him to be such a twat, but I can understand that he might feel under a lot of pressure, especially if he hates his job)

omaoma · 09/08/2013 11:11

sorry did you say you're going to start freelancing again when latest DC is 3 months old??? with a 5 and 4 year old as well?
you both sound like you have possibly unrealistic ideas of work-life balance with a family of 3? surely childcare is going to be a big part of your family life and schedule for the next 10 or so years. whether one or both or you share that, or you outsource some, you can't just expect to limp on regardless. as you pointed out, even with school hours factored in it in no way equates to two people achieving a full day at the office.
the current situation is stressing you both out, and your DH isn't dealing with it well. it does sound like the impending arrival is putting the pressure on him.
he's already made some kind of plan to change his work to something he prefers. FGS make a wider plan, with a calendar, that you both agree on, about how you are going to make things actually fun in your family for the next decade rather than a mad rush to try and fit money-earning around 3 kids that you pretend don't interfere with work patterns.
can you downsize or drastically reduce budgets? can he go on flexitime and take on one childcare? can you pay for childcare and thus take on more freelance work to make a bit more profit and pay off more mortgage? where's the joy of family life and you as a couple in all of this?

primallass · 09/08/2013 11:13

You can't work during the week because you have the DCs (totally fair enough, I freelance too and it is impossible to work with little children in the house). DH works hard at a job he hates, then comes home and has to be with the children on his own at the weekend while you work like crazy to make up your time.

But the OP looks after the children on her own while he works so it is equal.

Huge bone of contention as we are in the same boat.

Gubbins · 09/08/2013 11:14

So him looking after his children is "giving up his weekends" but for you it's something you can do alongside working? Hmmm.

Inertia · 09/08/2013 11:17

I don't understand why looking after the children is intolerably difficult and a dreadful imposition when it's his turn to do it, yet during the week it is so incredibly easy for you that you should also be able to do your job and all the household chores at the same time - so you ought to be doing 3 jobs while pregnant and then put up with getting moaned at?

Fillybuster · 09/08/2013 11:20

BIWI makes a good point (as usual :) ) - whilst he is BU, it is definitely worth finding some time to sit down together and look at the causes of the stress, and what you can both do to manage them better.

At the same time, I think you both have slightly unreasonable expectations of each other...it isn't fair on you to do everything all week and juggle work and family at the weekend, but neither does it sound much fun for your dh at the moment. Is there anyone (a family member, friend, local A level student) who could give you a bit of breathing space during the week, so you can have more time together as a family at the weekend?

WilsonFrickett · 09/08/2013 11:53

I didn't say it wasn't equal primallass. I said it sounded crap. I don't think anyone is having a particularly good time in that set up.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 09/08/2013 11:56

He is BU.

Tell him if he wants you to do more work during the week, he needs to pay for childcare so you have the time and headspace to do it.

It's not "giving up his time" to look after his own children while you work, morning, night or weekend.

If he finds looking after the children SO hard, why doesn't he apply that to the time YOU spend looking after the children and appreciate that your life is not fucking easy.

WilsonFrickett · 09/08/2013 12:01

But why should he pay for childcare? Surely the OP, if she is serious about her freelancing career, should be able to work this out for herself, and then surely family money should pay for the childcare which then enables her to work?

I didn't want to get into this as it wasn't what the OP was about, but freelance work is not something which can magically happen in the gaps between looking after 2, soon to be 3 children.

Mutley77 · 09/08/2013 12:02

I think he is being unreasonable - but it sounds like he probably knows that.

Tbh your set up does sound like quite hard work as you don't get any chilled out "fun" downtime as a family which IMO is really important. If I were you (probably too late now) I would get a couple of days childcare a week - holiday play scheme or something - so that you get your work done in the week and then you can both share the kids and rest time at the weekend.

I do think you are setting yourself up for hard work trying to work with a 3 month old baby at home - at the moment I have a 4 yo and 8 yo (8 yo at school full time and 4yo part time) and an 8 week old. I could never get any work done - hard enough to stay on top of the house and the homework and the playdates and the shopping etc. I can't see it will be vastly different in 4 weeks time. Can you wait until the baby is a bit older and then get a nanny/childminder for a couple of days so you can get your work done. Is a lot of pressure for you trying to combine work and childcare with no help.

Original poster

TwoTearsInABucket · 09/08/2013 12:12

I see your point Wilson about a freelance career. However, given other discussions we have had about money, I don't think it would be "family money" paying for childcare. It would be my money. At this stage I wouldn't earn enough to warrant paying childcare.

Currently DH's plan is to pay off the mortgage with his money and I use my freelance money plus some other money I get (not a vast amount and I don't want to say where from) to keep the family going. I can't see it lasting long term, but that's how DH sees it.

I agree, this set-up is ridiculous and won't last long term without one of us going nuts and being done for murder. However, when it changes to me not working because of a newborn, DH will still be in the same position of hating his job. And still be moaning.

Thanks for all your input, especially those seeing his side of the story. It is a crap situation but it can't last forever.

OP posts:

hamab · 09/08/2013 12:25

In your situation a reasonable work life balance to me would be you get childcare one day a week (there may be a college with childcare students who could help you with this) and you work one day at the weekend whilst he cares for the dc.

He should be looking for another job/career rather than expecting you to run yourself ragged.

It's sometimes hard to accept but something has to give when your dc are small. It gets easier when they're at school.

I work from home but we pay for childcare. It's impossible for me to work otherwise. Well yes I suppose I could get up at 5am and work three hours then do another 2 in the evening - but that would be exhausting and make me ill. It would be far more sustainable to get some childcare then do two longish working days per week.

primallass · 09/08/2013 12:26

I didn't say it wasn't equal primallass. I said it sounded crap. I don't think anyone is having a particularly good time in that set up.

I agree, but am in the same situation where my freelance work is treated as an inconvenience and that he shouldn't 'see' it. Although we need the money and I have to earn at least xyz every month ...

mrslyman · 09/08/2013 12:32

I just wonder how much of the problem is that you work during what he would see as family time, so it's not so much that he's doing all the childcare at the weekend but more that you don't get the chance to have any downtime together as a family?

RinseAndRepeat · 09/08/2013 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

afussyphase · 09/08/2013 13:05

Check your council's family information pages - ours has holiday playschemes that are about 15£ per day from age 4. You could do two or more full days work in the week, leave the cleaning up to him when he gets home, if you could pay for both DC to go there part time for the remainder of the holidays... Totally agree with others that you could also set them up with something, even a movie, and ignore other chores so you get bits of work done. Totally unreasonable for you to try getting up early, working after they go to bed, and full-on all day, even if you weren't pregnant! His free time just can't be that important.

And besides: if you're expected to get working time while both DC are there, how is it that he can't get "his time" while they're both there, on weekends? Either it's possible - for BOTH of you - or it isn't, for BOTH of you! He can't have it both ways.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 09/08/2013 16:51

Bloody hell, all he has to do is chill out with the kids at the weekend. He isn't pregnant, he isn't doing all the housework, he isn't trying to work at the same time as looking after the children.

Cut him some slack? You have to be kidding. Tell him to grow the fuck up! If he wants the OP earning money (which he clearly does) he has to do whatever needs doing to enable that. The very least he can do is mind his own kids at the weekend without whining about it like it's some dreadful thing he has to do. But no...he'd rather she did it all in the week so he's not inconvenienced by his children

It might not be 'fun' for anyone, but you know what, a lot of people are having to do what it takes to make ends meet and it's 'not fun' for a hell of a lot of people!!

OP - your finances sound like they need an overhaul too - what's all this 'his money/my money' crap while you are at home raising his children???

TimothyClaypoleLover · 09/08/2013 17:04

Agree with Wilson that the current set up does not seem to be working for anyone. I don't condone DH's behaviour but he is spending all week in a job he hates to come home and spend all weekend looking after kids whilst OP works so doesn't actually get to spend any time with OP. Yes, they are his kids too and yes OP looks after them alone in the week but there doesn't seem to be any proper family time going on. I know my DH and I would struggle with this set up.

Can DH not change jobs/career? Having another child on the way is only going to add to the strain if you don't both sit down and find a way through this.

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