to give DH a task to do as soon as he walks through the door?

[MrsMangoBiscuit]

Fairly light hearted, but this is a situation that has pissed me off.

We've had a lot of issues previously with DH not pulling his weight. He agrees that it's a shared responsibilty, but he was terrible at bothering to get anything done. He did get a lot better, and things have been good for some time. I'm now 8M pregnant with DD2, still working and doing at least half of the DIY/prep for baby's arrival. I work part time, 3 days, DH works out 4 days, 1 day from home. My 2 days home I have DD, DH's day at home, he's alone. (to avoid drip feeding! )

DH is rubbish at cleaning/tidying as he goes. Often leaves rubbish lying about, never thinks to put things away. So we'd settled on an even share with him doing one short job each day which I didn't have to think about, like emptying the bins, or changing the bed. We ended up having an arguement the other week as he'd slipped back into not doing anything again. He managed about 3 days before he slipped back into not bothering. It drives me fucking potty! I don't have the time, or inclination, to do it all for him, and he often has more free time than I do.

Last night he got in, I was cooking dinner, and I told him to keep his shoes on and go tidy up all the garden toys! He wasn't impressed.

So, AIBU to give him a task to do everyday as soon as he gets through the door?

You "told" him to go tidy the toys. Are you his Mother? Perhaps trying a different approach would help.

I don't think that is unreasonable at all!! Hardly going to kill him is it??

YABU. It is his home and he has the right to sit down for 5 minutes with a cup of tea before you have a go at him, no matter how useless he is, and ordering him about will only be counter productive. If he is so useless, can you suggest that money he would spend on his own activities eg the pub, a hobby etc be spent on a cleaner instead?

It would have been better if you had said "hi luv, i know youve just got in but when you get a minute could you please tidy the garden toys away". It means the same but sounds less orderly and is less likely to make him feel annoyed.
Lots of men do need to be 'told' that certain jobs want doing as they are sometime oblivios but it's the way that you tell them that makes the difference in Their response and feeling towards being told/ asked to do something.

Over, we've spoken about this several times. We've come up with lists, rotas, picking a job on the fly, leaving him to it (not exactly a success) I've let him "cherry pick" which ever jobs he doesn't mind doing, we've done pairs of jobs in the evening (need to cook dinner/fold laundry, which do you want?) I have asked him till I'm blue in the face how he wants to sort it out, he doesn't know.

I'm not his Mother, but it sure feels like he thinks I am sometimes. If you have an idea of another approach to try, I will welcome all suggestions.

Tbh my first thought is that if he works one day from.home then her should spend that day working not doing childcare / chores. Your two days at home are days off work..not work at home days.

Maybe you need to agree what works best and have this discussion one evening after the kids have gone to bed? Maybe he could have ten minutes rest on getting in and then after that he either does the bath/bed routine or cooks the dinner and you do the other? On working days, DH and I prioritise dinner and time with dd over any housework. Bar taking the bin out, nothing else needs doing on a nightly basis so we just blast throuvh the housework or the laundry on our day off. Really takes the pressure off the evenings.

We also both see dinner as the end point of our day - if something isnt done before we sit down to eat then it doesnt get done - we both need time to chill out after work.

Yes, YABU. I think everyone has a right to five-ten minutes "chill time" when they get home from work. If I got home and DP told me to tidy up something or start dinner, he'd get told to fuck off and do it himself. I think if he's been out at work, he's entitled to a bit of time to decompress and have a cup of tea or something before getting stuck into cleaning or tidying.

It's not unreasonable to want him to help everyday, but give him some time after work to de-stress and relax a bit first. Prioritise the tasks - don't make him do something that doesn't really need to be done just for the sake of it - he'll get resentful of it, especially if you're asking him a soon he's walked through the door from work.

I think I should have phrased my OP a bit better, sorry. I didn't bark an order at him the as he walked in. I gave him a big grin and said something along the lines of "Oh great you still have you shoes on. Keep them on and go tidy up the garden toys will you?" and blew him a big kiss. He said could he get changed first, I said of course!

Mortified, we've had discussions, lots of them, but whatever the outcome, however we decide to sort things out, he never sticks to it. He always slides back to eventually doing nothing. And I mean nothing, cups/plates left where he put them down, clothes/towels on the floor, rubbish on the sofa. Also, I don't expect him to do housework on his day working from home. But his home day is his day to finish up what he hasn't gotten round to in the office. Often he has little to no work on that day and spends it playing computer games. DD is in preschool that day and I'm at work. If he has time to game, surely he has time to empty the bins, or strip the bed if he hasn't bothered to do earlier in the week. This is why he has more leisure time than me. That and anything that's spilt into the evening, I do, and he will happily sit down and wait for me to finish before starting the DVD or whatever, without trying to help.

MortifiedAdams post is good - I think that last para in particular.

I know how you feel, although I agree possibly a bit of down time would be good for someone just stepping in the door. After the children -1 and 3 - are in bed, I almost always take time out before embarking on dinner/chores and all the million other bloody things I seem to have on.

I am SAHM and DH does long hours... but it doesn't stop me resenting the fact that most nights he can come in and do whatever he likes, whereas my work frequently continues until we sleep. He is good at helping though, if I ask.

Maybe a daily ToDo list that you agree should be ticked off before relax time? Or a list of 'things that should always be done before sleeping' that he can look at and see what's still left? Ask him too if he thinks any of the work is unnecessary. You may then have to persuade him why it isn't but your problem may be buy-in/ different standards. Toy tidying for example, I consider a nice to have (slack cow that I am); it would be great if DH did it while I cooked dinner but it wouldn't drive me nuts if he didn't.

OP, I fully understand and empathise. I think you have reached a point where you have to say " I CANNOT and WILL NOT do everything myself. I am not your Mother and having to speak to you constantly about having your help is really pissing me off( or another non sweary word). If you are happy to be spoken to like a child, go and stay with your parents. If you want to be spoken to like my Husband then PLEASE pull your weight. You have eyes and can see what needs doing, so just do it"

Have you ever said 'why are you so bloody lazy, you should be ashamed of yourself'? Does he consider himself lazy?

I totally get where you're coming from. My DH will cheerfully do a great deal at home but always needs reminding, which is exhausting tbh.

I do expect him to be a Dad from the minute he comes in the door. By this I don't mean that I hand over the DC to him and start on the wine. But I don't get a wind-down moment after I finish work. I sprint to pick up the DC, maybe go to the shops, go home, get them a snack, organise something to keep them occupied while I deal with a load of washing and/or get dinner started. I don't expect DH to do more than I do myself, and he doesn't need to hit the ground running every time he comes in, but if there is something that needs doing when he walks in the door, then I expect him to do it and not need to 'wind down' first.

Just read your last post. Hmmm - the gaming thing would royally fuck me off. Parental Control on times he can use the PC?

He has a bad attitude and it's hard to get round those without a big trump card to play (like 'I will leave you'). You could candidly tell him this is really wearing you down mentally, and physically now you are heavily pregnant, and that once you have two DCs, if you are still under the same stress it could make you more prone to PND.

When we've spoken about it, he apologises, acknowledges that he's being a bit crap, then pulls his weight for a while. I don't have particularly high standards, we sure don't tidy up every night. The garden toys had been scattered about for over a week, and the paddling pool needed emptying. He'd said he'd do it at the weekend. I'm just sick of having to ask, remind, and nag him. If he'd just tidy up after himself, I could probably get the rest done, more or less.

The Rota thing worked for the longest, he chose the jobs on it, but now, if I don't remind him, they don't get done.

Ltb

Peachy

in this house oh comes in the door, gets the kids flung at him with a cheery 'yours' while I bugger off and start dinner/clear up the kitchen mess/do something that's easier done away from the kids (and have a bit of a kids break BTW)

I hear you OP. not in a dissimilar position myself (although I'm not pg).

The minute he walks in the door might be a bit unreasonable but I know what it's like when you've spent the day doing chores and you're bloody annoyed.

Telling him does make it sound like you're his mother (like PP said) but asking him makes it sound like its your frigging job and your asking him to help you out. FFS!

I had a long chat with DP about this and said I didn't want to tell him what to do, how asking him made me feel and that this was his house too and he should see things that need doing and do them, not walk in from work and lie on the sofa (and lay in at weekends!). He complains of being tired after work but fails to recognise that after I get in from work, I play with DD, cook her dinner, bath her and do the putting to bed (he comes home just before she goes to bed) then come downstairs and cook dinner, sit and eat, clean up and usually do some ironing or other crappy job that needs doing. I eventually stop and sit down about 9:30 for a cuppa and by then I'm knackered and want to go to bed at 10:00. He comes home at 7:30 and lies on the sofa.

His 'jobs' are hoovering the house once a week and doing all the bins. I usually have to 'remind' him to do the hoovering.

After our chat he's been better but time will tell...

I would, as others have said, "allow" him 10 or 15 minutes down time when he walks through the door.

I would reinstate the rota as that worked the best.

Not sure that you are going to change him overnight to a person that picks up after himself as he goes along, mores the pity. That one will probably take some time for him to change on that.
You could try saying he has an extra rota job for that one.

When he says he will do thing at the weekend, does he?

Mumsnet is full of threads like this at the moment. what is it about so many men that they appear to be so useless at pulling their weight?

Was he molly coddled as a child? Did he ever live alone between leaving home and setting up a home with you?

My situation is slightly different as I have been a SAHM ever since I had DS (12 years ago ) so I am happy to do more than half the housework but even so my DH does all the garden/car/diy stuff - clears up after dinner, never drops clothes on the floor or leaves rubbish lying around, takes DS out and about etc etc.

No real answer to your problem, but what can we mothers of sons do to ensure our sons never turn into these 'men-children'.

you really shouldnt be having to lead your dh by the hand like this, he should be able to see what needs to be done and do it! if both of you worked out of the home 5 days a werk he wouldnt get away with it i bet you

Yes, YABU to ask him to do something non urgent as he walks in the door. But not unreasonable to want some help around the place. Assuming he has a cell phone, could he not set reminders to himself? I am very forgetful and have mine set to remind me to take meds, tell me when my soap is on, and so on, birthdays etc. Even if my phone is turned off, the reminder rings... loudly! And I just have a cheap throw away phone.
Also, print this out, comes in handy!

I think he should give the house a thorough clean on his day off. He can game after he has done the jobs.

Man- child

Is he 17?

It sounds like you have both created a battlefield.

He is well aware of what needs to be done. He just doesn't want to do it.

With a new child on the way he needs to change and to start takin the iniative more.

Do less, see if he notices and starts doing more?