to give DH a task to do as soon as he walks through the door?

[MrsMangoBiscuit]

Fairly light hearted, but this is a situation that has pissed me off.

We've had a lot of issues previously with DH not pulling his weight. He agrees that it's a shared responsibilty, but he was terrible at bothering to get anything done. He did get a lot better, and things have been good for some time. I'm now 8M pregnant with DD2, still working and doing at least half of the DIY/prep for baby's arrival. I work part time, 3 days, DH works out 4 days, 1 day from home. My 2 days home I have DD, DH's day at home, he's alone. (to avoid drip feeding! )

DH is rubbish at cleaning/tidying as he goes. Often leaves rubbish lying about, never thinks to put things away. So we'd settled on an even share with him doing one short job each day which I didn't have to think about, like emptying the bins, or changing the bed. We ended up having an arguement the other week as he'd slipped back into not doing anything again. He managed about 3 days before he slipped back into not bothering. It drives me fucking potty! I don't have the time, or inclination, to do it all for him, and he often has more free time than I do.

Last night he got in, I was cooking dinner, and I told him to keep his shoes on and go tidy up all the garden toys! He wasn't impressed.

So, AIBU to give him a task to do everyday as soon as he gets through the door?

Yanbu, he can decline if he really wanted.
Saves sitting down then having to get back up again

If he is getting paid to work at home then I think giving him alot of jobs to do is unreasonable.
I wouldn't want faced with jobs the moment I come in the door.
I wouldn't be having kids with a bloke who didn't pull his weight though and wonder why it's only now things have got this bad.
Time for a long chat about pulling his weight domestically but be specific about exactly what you want him to do not just vague about doing more. Some blokes would rather pay for a cleaner than do alot of tidying themselves, is this an option? Many men prefer having more free time than more money.
It doesn't sound as though either of you are enjoying your time at home at the moment and just see being home as a list of jobs to do. maybe a cleaner would help you enjoy your time at home more.

Even if working hard from home, you can stick laundry on while the laptop boots up, clean round the kit hen while you're cooking your pot noodle for lunch, and always pick up rubbish, cups etc as you go.
He is taking the piss. In an office, do men seriously leave litter where they used it for someone else to remove, or never take a cup back to the kitchen?
He can continue on his merry way, but could easily find himself one of the many divorced parents once OP decides looking after two children is quite enough without him as well.

Hmmm i do think he should help you and do his fair share but a different approach would work much better.
The last thing you want is him calling you a nag to his mates etc.
Maybe he could sit down for 10 minutes with a cuppa first and then you could say "please may you do this" for example.

He is taking the piss quite frankly but shooting off as soon as he gets in will only fuel his lazyness. At 8months pregnant you need a rest too and it's unfair you should be taking on more than you should, whilst he has free time.

Maybe a talk when he is relaxed would be a good idea too.

MortifiedAdams it is very similar in our house, I think it is a fair way of doing it. I work a day less than DH and do the majority of running round with the kids after work as I finish earlier (he does all the morning drop offs as I start early).

When he gets home he automatically will play with the kids or get them to bed, I don't need to ask, he also does the bins. I generally do all the clearing up and cooking although if he is home and it needs doing he do the dishwasher and put washing out.

He is pretty good but sometimes will just forget to do stuff but is happy for me to ask him and he will do it with no fuss. Most of the time we will get all the stuff done then as Mortified says sit down and have dinner then that is our 'chores' done.

I disagree with the 5/10 mins sitting down when he gets in, most mums don't get to do that if they are working and have young children. Sit down once everything is done, its a partnership at the end of the day.

When I was a full time SAHM that was different but even so I expected DH to come in from work and take over with the DCs so I could clear up etc.

It does make me cross that so many men do not pull their weight, many of my friends have problems like this.

Seriously? Him criticising her to his mates is the LAST thing she should want? I would not care in the slightest if dh did this! And I would hope his mates would tell him to get a grip as he has another baby due soon and leaving rubbish about, gaming when he is paid to work etc are not the marks of a grown-up man.

He has used up a lot of chances from the sound of it. If he's being paid for working on his day at home but actually doing little work, that's also unfair to his employer. Is he a very high earner - is that why you feel you have to put up with this? Have you stopped doing his laundry etc given that he just leaves his stuff everywhere?

OP he sounds like a nightmare.

When I was that pregnant with DS2, DH would walk in the door from work, shove me gently down into the nearest seat and take over with everything. And I didn't even work, just toddler-wrangle full time! There is nothing on the earth more shattering than being heavily pregnant and having another child to look after. Nothing.

He is lazy, that is the bottom line. He isn't going to change unless something gives him the motivation. I have no idea how you solve it.

As the DH of the op i would like to weigh in here.

Firstly I know i am not perfect and fairly forgetful but.

Gaming : Normally we do this together at the same time, normally Wednesday and Sundays 19:00 - 22:00 when DD is in bed and Saturday Afternoons if possible, last night was no exception, but we finished gaming early so i asked if DW wanted to go watch a DVD? she said yes so i went and put DVD player on and waited, while she finished a food shop online. Then DW decided to get all the house work done, i thought we were going to watch a DVD?.. it couldn't wait an hour??

Working From Home: I spend most of the day on the phone in conference calls, while trying to get my work load done. I try and get what i can done round the house in between, last week, i hoovered, put a load of washing on and emptied and re-filled the dishwasher, week before i managed to empty the dishwasher not much but i try to get stuff done so to say i do nothing is unfair. i do not spend all day gaming.. i have done an hour's worth on what would have been my lunch break a couple of times.

Tidy Up as I go: TBH in certain areas i think i do pretty well, if i cook i make sure all the cold stuff returning to the fridge before the meal is served, my left clothes are normally in a pile on the floor in our room on my side of the room rdy for me to wash on the weekend, twice a week i get up before the rest of the house i get changed in a room down stairs and leave my nightwear there, in an attempt not to wake DW.

I also like to say I put our DD to bed 80% of the time, I'm the only one that can drive so drop DW and DD off a Nursery 2 times a week and Just DD on to our alternative child care once a week. so i feel the man - child is a bit extreme.

MusicalEndorphins - I like the phone idea!! ill program some bits in ta

Any ways, i love my wife, I'm glad she puts up with me and i hope we will continue to work this out.

Wow, it's interesting to see the other side of it.

I know in my case, I could easily write that I do almost all of the household work and garner sympathy from posters. The truth is I'm a bit of a control freak about it, last week my partner tried to jump in to finish the ironing when I went to get a drink, I told him to bugger off. Whenever I'm cooking and he asks if he can help I say "get out of my kitchen". Normally I would clear away after dinner and wash up straight after finishing eating, but a couple of nights recently, there's been something I was watching on tv, so I intended to do it after the programme, my partner has just gone in quietly and done it all without a fuss.

I'm not saying the op is like me, just that there are two sides to every story, and its easy to take a harsh view when there's only one side.

What's even better is the op's husband seems willing to make some changes to support his wife. Hopefully she'll also be able to recognise all that he does do (and he her). Good luck to both of you.

Dunon, I'm glad you love your wife, but your examples aren't really making your case here. Putting stuff back in the fridge before you eat isn't tidying up, it's basic food hygiene! Real tidying up would be not leaving your plates and glasses around for your heavily pregnant wife to pick up.

There should be no 'continuing to work this out', can't you see that your wife is tired of having to constantly work this out? Is it really so hard to take on board her comments and just remember them? You have a job, you must be capable of it. Do you leave rubbish on the office floor? Do you tell your boss you'll do something and then forget about it until they remind you? I don't mean to be harsh but basically, whatever you're doing at work to keep yourself gainfully employed, try employing some of those same techniques so that you keep doing the things you say you'll do at home.

It's interesting to see the other viewpoint.

Instead of "waiting" while wifie does an online shop (horrible job by the way) couldn't you have done a bit of housework while she did that? Then you could have both sat down together to enjoy the dvd. Your actions have consequences.

Glad you came on Mr Dunon. Wish more husbands would.
Of course there are always 2 sides to things. I try and take that into consideration when I read and post.

Personally, when someone works at home, the working hours should be used for just that imo. You are working at your job. Shoudlnt mean you get up and put washing on in between hoovering imo.

And gaming. Everyone needs down time so long as it isnt unreasonable.
And fair points about the driving. [Mrs Mango, you didnt mention that].

Bits of your post that let you down.
Putting stuff back in the fridge!
Waiting an hour to do the housework. Ok on its own as a one off, but from what your wife has written, that is your usual way of doing things? Putting housework off?

I am pretty sure you will both work this out btw.

Presuming that the garden toys were kids toys, why didn't the dc put away what they had played with?

I think dreaming and sameold are perhaps being a bit harsh.

If the wife had done the cooking and just put food away, I'm sure a lot of people would say how it's a partnership and if you do the cooking, your partner should be washing up etc.

The clothes on the floor would annoy me, granted, but I can see his logic, they're dirty, he's leaving them in a pile until the weekend when he'll wash them. It would be simple enough to say they need to go in a laundry basket instead, problem solved.

And as for the DVD, some people are very face value. If they've agreed to watch a DVD, and then his wife does other things, that's not really his fault. I imagine if she had said "yes I do want to watch it, but can we just do x, y and z together quickly first", it would have been different. Rather than him waiting for her to come in to watch it, which presumably he thought would be any minute.

I'm not saying he shouldn't do more, least not because she is heavily pregnant, and I'm sure could do with a bit of a break/lighter load. But a bit of understanding and not expecting mind reading works well both ways. He does need to do more, he's say he wants to work this out. Telling him off is not constructive in my opinion.

My DH leaves a room and never looks behind him to see what state it's in. I drives me up the wall. Bring the glasses or mugs out, pick up the washing, pull the duvet on the bed. Really simple tasks. But he is blind to them I literally have to list each tiny thing that needs doing to get it done.

I don't know what the answer is. It's one area of our lives that desperately needs improving. Dunons post shows to me that he doesn't really get it. He cares but just doesn't fully understand.

Sympathies OP, I wish I knew the answer.

MrsMango deep down he doesn't really care. he knows what needs to be done and either he doesn't want to do it, doesn't think he should do it, he thinks you should do it and/or he doesn't think it needs to be done?

YANBU, and you probably did what you did so it doesn't become a huge issue for you. If he doesn't do anything to sort this out you will become increasingly resentful - which will be highly erosive to your relationship.

You might soon find, if you keep asking, that you will be accused of "nagging"

He needs to step up and take responsibility. I would take the approach of an honest conversation with him, let him know how you feel when he doesn't step up and find a way that works for the both of you. Being the "boss of him" isn't great and I don't think that you asking him to do stuff daily (even if he agreed to this) is a long term happy solution. He needs to take responsibility for his share of the chores (at least) around the house. End of.

Get him to choose how he does this - does he need a list? can he set reminder on his phone? can he arrive home and do "20 minutes" (as per UFYH) before chilling?

having 10 minutes when you get home isn't necessary (esp when you have kids) - get stuck in. then relax! !0 minutes would be nice but when it stretches into the whole evening (ie he takes 10 minutes and then still doesn't do anything) its a problem. Do you get 10 minutes when you get home? I doubt it - you don't get that time when you have young DC until after they have gone to bed.

@Dunon

i hope we will continue to work this out.

We hope so too but not really sure that Mumsnet is the place to have this kind of conversation. So perhaps you can take this one off line?

Peace and love to you both.

As someone who is very lazy around the home given the chance TBH, having a sit-down as soon as I come in is the worse thing I can do. Once I'm sat down relaxing, I find it incredibly difficult to motivate myself to get back up again, especially to do something that I don't enjoy. Much better to keep on going. Now I'm off to re-grout the bathroom (once I've just had another look at MN ).

Just reread OP and I do think that a list of things that are his responsibility, combined with 20 minutes on his timer (as per UFYH) is a good solution if he can get on board.

I think your expectations of just "putting the bin out" is very low. And too easy for him to shrug off.

Anyone can commit to 20 minutes - yes even your DH! And it is truely amazing what can be done in that short space of time. Also you don't need to ask him to do X Y Z. You ask him to commit 20 minutes of his day, to supporting the home work. If he needs inspiration, he can refer to his list (which he can write).

If he can't/won't agree to contribute for a mere 20 minutes a day, then I think you haven some bigger problems going on.

Remember whatever his actions, he is a grown up & ultimately he needs to take responsibility for his life.

And for all the people out there saying, he's just got in from work, give him a break - how do you think LP's get on? He's taken his 'break' and taken the piss with it. MrsM works too - where is her break? As a LP who works FT, I get my break - but it is after the DC are in bed. Until then it is both hands on deck.

I think that's a good idea BeCool.

And I agree with DoIt, I think Dunon does care but doesn't really get it. The things the OP are talking about are pretty basic, like not leaving rubbish on the sofa. Surely at some point you just decide to stop aggravating your partner so much and make more of an effort?

My husband is messier than I am. When we first started living together we did go through an adjustment period, where he made more of an effort on some things and I learned to stop caring about other things so much. I do think that's normal. But if we were still going through this process years down the line with a couple kids, I would honestly be losing my mind. It's housework, not rocket science, you should be able to sort it once and for all.

I'm the first to admit I'm not the best at housework. The 20 minute on the timer thing really really works for me. Even if I'm exhausted and want to flop on sofa, I can commit to 20 minutes - and our world changes! It's amazing what can get done in such a manageable period of time.

I wouldn't want dirty smelly clothes in a pile in the bedroom or downstairs. Our laundary basket is in the bathroom. Some people have a laundary basket in the bedroom. OK to leave a few things in the bedroom after taking them off but in the morning the wearer should put them in the washing basket. Is your basket somewhere weird that putting things in it is such a hassle? Maybe move it somewhere more convenient.
Putting cold stuff back in the fridge before you eat should just be done automatically by whoever got the stuff out of the fridge in my book. That's part of preparing the meal.
Kids get toys out, kids clear toys away.
In our house we tend to both prepare meals and my husband does most of the washing up, although we have a dishwasher.
I'm usually in charge of planning the meals and doing the shopping though.