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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to resent dp and feel he has no responsibilities?

69 replies

CuteFeet · 07/08/2013 16:12

Dp and I have an 1 year old together, I also have an 8 and 4 year old from previous marriage. Our baby was planned but it transpired that we couldn't move in together as planned because of his job. He stays at mine the 3 night's that aren't work days but I feel very resentful of him and the lack of responsibility he has for us. On work days he visits for tea and willplay with our baby for an hour then leaves for me to do bedtime for all 3. On days off none of them (particularly baby) want him to do bedtime so it falls to me then too. I feel resentful over our baby most of all. With my elder 2 my exH worked away and went out all weekend so I was doing it all alone - he never fed them, changed a nappy etc. I was adamant I wouldn't have a baby unless it was a team effort this time but again I feel I'm doing everything. Granted, he will change nappies on days off but, for example, if baby cries while I'm in the shower I resent that dp isn't there to help as we don't live together. Baby is very clingy and I know it could be age specific but feel it'll struggle to get better in this situation. Hopefully his job will change next year and we'll be able to live together but baby will be 2.5 by then and I fear I'll be so full of resentment by then that it'll be too late. AIBU to feel resentful?

OP posts:

Famzilla · 07/08/2013 16:15

I don't really understand. Was he living with you when you were trying for a baby and then had to move out?

LaurieFairyCake · 07/08/2013 16:20

Why can't you live together?

Move closer to his job, get a place.

Did he agree that there would be shared parenting and changed his mind?

Original poster

CuteFeet · 07/08/2013 16:21

No, we had been together for 3 years and about to move in together when we were trying. However, his house was then no longer available to rent and mine is too far from work for him to be on call.

OP posts:

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 07/08/2013 16:21

You planned a child with no home together? Seems an odd choice OP...why don't you move in with him? If I were you "hopefully" his job will change next year would not be good enough. I would be insisting it changed now.

marriedinwhiteisback · 07/08/2013 16:21

I don't understand either. Woudn't it have been sensible to move in together and seeing hoW that and his permanent relationship with your existing children worked out even before you had a baby. What exactly prevents you all from living together now - why can't you or he move or why can't he change jobs? Sounds as though he's having his cake and eaating it but that you have facilitated it. Sorry OP but this doesn't sound as though it will end well. How long have you known him and is he paying his way?

Original poster

CuteFeet · 07/08/2013 16:23

His house was related to his job and very cheap to rent. Mine is more expensive and he cant afford to contribute as he has debts and I can't afford (and don't want to) pay for him.

OP posts:

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 07/08/2013 16:24

I understand that your children may be settled in schools but that's tough...if I were you, I would move in with him. It''s not good enough as it is.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 07/08/2013 16:24

Where does he live now? In a flat or something?

Nagoo · 07/08/2013 16:25

Crinkle77 · 07/08/2013 16:26

Can't you move in to his?

Original poster

CuteFeet · 07/08/2013 16:28

No he lives in work digs on work days, me or his mum on days off. So us going to live with him isn't an option. He can't change jobs either. The best I can hope for is waiting til next year but, like I say, I fear it'll be too late by then and I'll resent him too much. Not to mention how poor his relationship with baby will be. To too it off his mum comments constantly when we see her about how clingy baby is to me and I feel like saying it's because I do everything for her 24/7 ffs.

OP posts:

happygirl87 · 07/08/2013 16:29

I might be being very slow, but how can having 2 houses be cheaper than 1? Couldn't you both move somewhere closer to his work- presumably you might pay more than half, but how can it be more expensive for you than you living alone with the kids?!

samandi · 07/08/2013 16:30

It all sounds daft. You should have waited to get yourself sorted out before having a kid together. So YANBU to feel he has no childcare responsibilities - he doesn't, from the sound of things - but YABU to be feeling hard done by when the whole thing was so poorly planned out.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 07/08/2013 16:31

Work digs? Is it a flat or a caravan or something? It's not quite as you describe really...he "works away" as many men do....then his home is with you but you don't sound like you are both financially committed. You need to be splitting things....he needs to make more effort too.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 07/08/2013 16:31

Happy by "digs" I assume it's not a house but a room.

Original poster

CuteFeet · 07/08/2013 16:34

Yes it's a room ten mins walk away. When we planned baby he had a 4 bedroomed house we were going to move into.

OP posts:

GoingUpInTheWorld · 07/08/2013 16:37

Have you posted about this before?

Viviennemary · 07/08/2013 16:42

I think it's going to be very difficult indeed to come to any sort of acceptable arrangement when he is only there part of the week. Of course you are resentful he doesn't do more. But he probably doesn't like it either living in two houses.

A lot of people do seem to manage fairly well though with partners who work and live away for part of the week or longer. But they would consider where their children and partner live as their home. Where does your DP consider to be his home. His Mum isn't helping with her comments though.

TheCrackFox · 07/08/2013 16:48

This sounds very familiar.

SalaciousBCrumb · 07/08/2013 16:48

Why does he visit for an hour on work days? (Is that because it's effectively his lunchbreak or something and works funny hours?)

On days when he's with you, whilst you're doing bedtime for all three, what is he actually doing?

I'm pretty tough sometimes but to me a one year old who doesn't want her father to do bedtime needs to accept that sometimes, Daddy does do bedtime, or at least some of it - it's never going to get better unless you work on getting it better and if that's a bit of crying, so be it.

Jan49 · 07/08/2013 18:09

I can't understand why he isn't there for longer during his days off and why he can't afford to contribute. He's earning but all he can afford is one room and his debt payments and he has nothing left to contribute to your household? Why does he sometimes stay at his mum's instead of with you? Do you actually think he wants a relationship with you?

He ought to do the baby's bedtime when he can, so the baby can get used to him and they can bond. I wouldn't expect or want him to do the other kids' bedtimes as he's not their dad and doesn't even live with you. Maybe you'll resent it less if you think of it as partly a choice you've made, not solely his fault.

I hope you manage to sort something out.

orangeandemons · 07/08/2013 18:14

How far away from his work is your house? This just sounds like you rent a couple to me, but still living life as separate people. If you want to be together, surely it's not that hard?

insanityscratching · 07/08/2013 18:24

Is his digs 10 minutes away from your home? If so there's no reason for him to need digs is there as ten minutes extra on a commute to work is nothing? Surely then the money saved would contribute to your household Does he want to live with you? Why, when he's not at work, isn't he at home with you? Why would he stay with his mum?
It sounds like you need to get him to be straight with you because it wouldn't surprise me if next year there will be other reasons for him to not live with you.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 07/08/2013 18:32

Your place is only 10 mins walk away from his, but that's "too far" away for him to be on call? He's having a laugh...

manticlimactic · 07/08/2013 18:39

No I think it's 10 minutes away from his work.

Though why you would you plan a baby before moving in together.Suppose it is different.

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