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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to resent dp and feel he has no responsibilities?

69 replies

CuteFeet · 07/08/2013 16:12

Dp and I have an 1 year old together, I also have an 8 and 4 year old from previous marriage. Our baby was planned but it transpired that we couldn't move in together as planned because of his job. He stays at mine the 3 night's that aren't work days but I feel very resentful of him and the lack of responsibility he has for us. On work days he visits for tea and willplay with our baby for an hour then leaves for me to do bedtime for all 3. On days off none of them (particularly baby) want him to do bedtime so it falls to me then too. I feel resentful over our baby most of all. With my elder 2 my exH worked away and went out all weekend so I was doing it all alone - he never fed them, changed a nappy etc. I was adamant I wouldn't have a baby unless it was a team effort this time but again I feel I'm doing everything. Granted, he will change nappies on days off but, for example, if baby cries while I'm in the shower I resent that dp isn't there to help as we don't live together. Baby is very clingy and I know it could be age specific but feel it'll struggle to get better in this situation. Hopefully his job will change next year and we'll be able to live together but baby will be 2.5 by then and I fear I'll be so full of resentment by then that it'll be too late. AIBU to feel resentful?

OP posts:
minkembernard · 07/08/2013 20:07

Op having been in a very similar position, I can see why you are resentful...
But...
What would you like him to do?

You say you cannot live with him.
He cannot live with you.
He cannot leave his job.
And the kids won't let him do bedtimes at weekend (although I am not sure I would give them the choice).

And how does he feel about it? Wwould he like to do more or does this all suit him fine?

HappyMummyOfOne · 07/08/2013 20:36

Strange to plan a lifetime commitment lf a child without even seeing if you can live together first. Especially as you needed to ensure your current children could live with your boyfriend.

Dont see why instead of moaning you just dont find a house near to his work together? Unless you are on full benefits and having your house and living costs paid for then running one house has to be cheaper. You dont mention it being too far from your job if you were to move.

Original poster
CuteFeet · 08/08/2013 07:40

It is too far to be on call from my house as he has to respond in three mins. His digs are free as work related. Mink - it all suits him fine. What would I like him to do? Not have promised we'd be living together when he had so many debts as to make it impossible. Not pretend he's doing loads and baby's clinginess is a mystery. Not waste money on take aways and nights out with friends.

We could move to be closer to his work as it wouldn't increase my commute much but then I'd be paying for everything, which means I'd have to cut back on kids stuff which I shouldn't have to, and still would have no guarantee of help. What frustrates me is that despite the arrangement he expects to be included in all family things - ie weekends away, birthday parties, Christmas etc and for me to plan them when he's off. However after having planned Christmas with dcs father based of dps work pattern dp has now changed hours at work sounless we have cChristmas without him - which he would hate - the children won't get to have Christmas together.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/08/2013 07:43

Next year there will be another "very good reason" why he can't contribute fully to family life. You know that, don't you ?

Eyesunderarock · 08/08/2013 07:47

Is there a big age difference between you, he sounds very immature and as if he's living the life of a batchelor.
Did he conceal the debts from you?
Has he changed his mind about wanting a full-on partnership with you, being a family and lacks the backbone and decency to tell you?

poocatcherchampion · 08/08/2013 08:05

he's not that interested, sorry to say. shame its taken you til now to find out. I suggest you start disengaging him from your life.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 08/08/2013 08:10

Planning (and having) a baby before you even lived together, when you already had two of your own children, with a man who had huge debts and was/is living in one room?

Really?

Whoknowswhocares · 08/08/2013 08:14

So he has an ENTIRE salary, lives rent free and contributes nothing?
So bloody what if he has debts?. He is a father with responsibilities. Responsibilities which he seems perfectly happy to duck out of, both the financial and the practical,care giving ones.
He has taken cock-lodging to a whole new level.........he isn't even bloody lodging!
You need to put a stop to it. Either things change in your arrangement, or its over

formicadinosaur · 08/08/2013 08:16

I think I would ask him to do the bed time routine on the three days off. So tea, bath, changed, book, milk, teeth. Work up to him putting the baby down 3 nights a week - what ever days work for you.

Ragwort · 08/08/2013 08:16

He has taken cock-lodging to a whole new level.........he isn't even bloody lodging!

Brilliant expression, and sadly so very right in this situation Sad.

What on earth do you get out of this relationship Hmm?

justgivemeareason · 08/08/2013 08:17

So he can't afford to contribute financially to the family, you can't support him, you don't live together yet you 'planned' a baby?

Why didn't you plan the other stuff first?

formicadinosaur · 08/08/2013 08:19

He needs to be contributing towards his family.

Sitbdown and work finances out together.

swallowedAfly · 08/08/2013 08:22

this is so many shades of ridiculous.

he has his whole salary and no overheads other than debts. how did he get the debts by the way given he lives rent free and has a job? did all of this not strike you as screaming irresponsible fuckwit before?

forget him ever being a real part of the family and get your csa claim in.

livinginwonderland · 08/08/2013 08:26

He's just stringing you along and being a cocklodger, you do realise that don't you?

500internalerror · 08/08/2013 08:30

I would suggest that you use bedtimes to go out, even if just to TESCOS; the baby needs to get used to him doing bedtime. And he needs to get used to it too - it's a way to find out whether he actually wants to, or if he's just stringing you along....

LoveWine · 08/08/2013 08:36

Sounds to me like you need to be changing partners not houses. Looks lIke you've made a premature choice to have a baby with this man and it turns out he is not a suitable partner or father. I would move on if I were you and make sure I'm more careful when getting into the next relationship.

thistlelicker · 08/08/2013 08:41

Is he cheating if have separate life/wife?

pinkdelight · 08/08/2013 08:53

That's what I thought thistlelicker. And this:

"Planning (and having) a baby before you even lived together, when you already had two of your own children, with a man who had huge debts and was/is living in one room?"

sameoldIggi · 08/08/2013 09:03

Regarding Christmas - PLEASE have it so the dcs are together, not your dp. That is just so back to front.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 08/08/2013 09:21

When my dd was about 1 she hated daddy doing bedtime (and bathtime and cuddles in the night and....well.....everything). I got more and more resentful while dh felt more and more pushed out. Eventually (after dd and I both got an awful stomach bug and I ended up sitting by her cot comforting her while being sick in a bucket as dh was completely unacceptable) we decided that we would take it in turns to do bedtime. From then on that was the stated rule "no - it's daddy's turn" and she did accept it very quickly. So quickly that we couldn't believe we hadn't done it before. She still prefers it when it is me but dh is acceptable.

This doesn't solve all your other problems but would at least be something.

dreamingbohemian · 08/08/2013 09:29

Why can't he change his job? I mean, can he really not change it?

Whoknowswhocares · 08/08/2013 09:37

This 'on call' thing
Why is it ok to come round for an hour (and a free dinner, no doubt) if he has to be 3 minutes from work?

CoolaSchmoola · 08/08/2013 11:29

You planned a baby on the PROMISE of a house?!

Surely logic dictates you wait until you are actually living in said house, you know your existing children are settled and happy, and that financially you can afford the house and an extra child.

I get that you resent him, and feel misled about the house (can almost hear you wailing 'but you PROMISED!') but as the person with two existing children and all associated responsibilities what we're you thinking?!

You made a choice, you could have waited, which would have been the sensible option. You didn't, and this is the result of that choice. You resent him, but you are equally responsible for this situation, it is of both your making.

Famzilla · 08/08/2013 13:34

Right so..

You planned to have a baby with a bloke you didn't live with, who you knew couldn't financially support the baby.

Then once the baby was born, you refuse to move closer to him because you don't want to financially support him. how romantic

Which suits him just fine because he can come & go as he pleases as you both clearly don't really care about each other.

Why are you still "together"?

RunningInFlipflops · 08/08/2013 13:43

What I don't understand is before you had children together he was living in a work related 4 bedroom house, and then when your baby came along it is then no longer available and he is given a room instead?

So if both properties are related to work, what industry would give a 4 bedroom house to a single man then one room to one with a family? Am I completely misunderstanding??

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