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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to resent dp and feel he has no responsibilities?

69 replies

CuteFeet · 07/08/2013 16:12

Dp and I have an 1 year old together, I also have an 8 and 4 year old from previous marriage. Our baby was planned but it transpired that we couldn't move in together as planned because of his job. He stays at mine the 3 night's that aren't work days but I feel very resentful of him and the lack of responsibility he has for us. On work days he visits for tea and willplay with our baby for an hour then leaves for me to do bedtime for all 3. On days off none of them (particularly baby) want him to do bedtime so it falls to me then too. I feel resentful over our baby most of all. With my elder 2 my exH worked away and went out all weekend so I was doing it all alone - he never fed them, changed a nappy etc. I was adamant I wouldn't have a baby unless it was a team effort this time but again I feel I'm doing everything. Granted, he will change nappies on days off but, for example, if baby cries while I'm in the shower I resent that dp isn't there to help as we don't live together. Baby is very clingy and I know it could be age specific but feel it'll struggle to get better in this situation. Hopefully his job will change next year and we'll be able to live together but baby will be 2.5 by then and I fear I'll be so full of resentment by then that it'll be too late. AIBU to feel resentful?

OP posts:

rainrainandmorerain · 08/08/2013 14:06

You have posted before, haven't you? Is your dp a firefighter?

(this isn't the man with kids from a previous marriage he doesn't see, is it?)

I think you are on a journey towards leaving this man. You do get a lot of (rightful) ire from other posters directed at your husband, which I think you do want to hear, and which gives you more reasons to leave... but you tend to argue back at those posters, trying to justify the way you are living, in a kind of 'can't do anything, what choice do I have' way. I can understand why you are torn - he sounds bloodly useless, tbh, but he is the father of one of your children, and he has come into the life of your older 2 (although they may not be so sad to see him go, if he doesn't do that much with them). So you're between a rock and a hard place to some degree... although I think you are realising that he's not going to change and things are not suddenly going to get better. Moving house etc won't achieve anything if his heart isn't in it.

Good luck.

pinkyredrose · 08/08/2013 14:19

That's a very good point running .

I think the OPs partner has her right where he wants her. He gets his dinner cooked and a shag then fucks off back to work while taking no responsibility.

OP have you been to his work digs? Why did they give him a room and take away a 4 bed house when he had a partner with 2 DC and another on the way? Did this 4 bed house even exist?

If he's got an entire salary and contributing fuck all then his debts must be astronomical. Either that or he's playing you for a fool.

Any decent man would make it his priority to be with and support his partner and DC, if he wanted to live with you he'd be doing all he could to make it happen.

pinkyredrose · 08/08/2013 14:21

no responsibility for his family I meant to say.

AnnabelleLee · 08/08/2013 14:33

YABU to feel resentful of a situation you purposefully created. I'm sorry for you that its shit, but what did you think would happen?

rainrainandmorerain · 08/08/2013 15:05

The room the OP's partner lives in isn't a flat as such - it is a room he lives in when he is on call. I think he works in emergency services. It's only available during shifts.

He doesn't really 'live' there, as he spends other nights at the OP's and also at his mothers.

I wonder what his registered address actually is? Must be his mother's home.

I think the OP may not have realised the extent of his debts, or that he was not going to prioritise clearing them, when they agreed to have a baby. I think he isn't moving in with her because he does not want another 'outgoing' expense when he is in debt - but quite why this is the case on a full salary, I don't understand. Other people with debts would move in with the mother of their child and agree a repayment schedule with their debtors such that they manage both, even if that's very hard.

She may also have agreed to a set up (some degree of living apart) without realising how he would use that as a reason to be such an uncommitted partner and parent.

I do think there's an element of having made her own bed here (how many women would have agreed to that arrangement?) but it's all very well being wise after the event, and really, a committed parent who was only around 3 nights a week would still be doing a whole lot more than he is, and could probably make it work.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 08/08/2013 15:09

rain - sorry, but who seriously plans to have a baby with someone they are not living with? I could understand an accident or an oops, but to deliberately plan to have a baby while living apart and when you already have two kids to deal with (not his), even if you didn't know about his debts, it's completely foolish. Being wise after the event is all well and good but when you are creating life, you need to be wise BEFORE.

Eyesunderarock · 08/08/2013 16:32

Are you being sensible again JBF?
That usually never goes down well.

I was adamant I wouldn't have a baby unless it was a team effort this time

That was an excellent plan. What happened to it, OP?
I'd have wanted to see and experience the team effort over an extended period of time as a family of four before adding a fifth. I think you've been scammed.

rainrainandmorerain · 08/08/2013 17:16

My point about not living together is that there are responsible and loving parents who work on oilrigs, are in the military, work contracts overseas etc who do not live with their families for long periods of time - but it works.

Sadly the OP's partner does not seem to be one of them.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 08/08/2013 17:24

Sorry, OP, but he sounds like a cocklodger. Without the lodging bit. Basically just a cock then.

He has the best of both worlds; getting to play happy families when he chooses, get his leg over (presumably) then go off to his free home and arrange his social life according to his own whim.

Why the devil would he ever change that voluntarily?

I saw you mention earlier that he had a 4 bedroom house you were all meant to move into when you planned the baby, so I won't give out to you for bringing a baby into an unstable relationship/environment. I don't see a way through this where you all end up living together with him doing an equal share of the parenting stuff though.

Sidge · 08/08/2013 17:42

Huh?

How is he your 'partner'.

He just sounds like some bloke who got you pregnant.

Not much of a partnership at all.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 08/08/2013 18:10

I agree with smite, he sounds like a cock and if you agreed to move closer to his work you'd end up with a cocklodger on your hands there

attheendoftheday · 08/08/2013 20:31

I think smite has hit the nail on the head. You're resentful with good reason to be.

Even if I believe that his work prevented him from moving in (i don't, by the way) then any reasonable partner would be helping get the kids to bed and housework done before heading home for the night. Sounds like he has his cake and is eating it. You don't have to put up with him treating you like this, op.

Cherriesarelovely · 08/08/2013 20:52

Sorry, have only read some not all of tft! Anyway, my DP works away usually 3 days and nights a week, like the other side of the country and sometimes abroad. This is my advice, sorry if it's all been said already. You have to insist that your DP does more. The kids wont get used to him doing bedtime if he never does it, ditto with all the stuff with the kids. Make things HIS responsibility so that he makes a proper relationship with them, he will just have to work harder on the days that he is with you.

jessieagain · 08/08/2013 21:48

I think the issue is not about where he lives but 100% about his attitude to being a father.

My dp works (and lives) away on a fairly regular basis depending on work contracts.

The difference is when he is home he does more than enough to help me around the house and he is happy to take on most of ds care.

He wants to do this. And he can see that I need a break from doing it all by myself. So he does what someone in this situation should do if they care about their partner.

jessieagain · 08/08/2013 22:08

I don't think yous have to move and disrupt your dcs lives.

Talk to him op, tell him what you've told us.

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2013 07:27

it's not that he works away though is it, it's that he's never moved in or shown any real intention of moving in together. the rest is excuses and nonsense. he's quite happy popping in and playing daddy, boyfriend, whatever but this is a man with no fixed address who happily still stays at mummy's house when not working so as not to have to pay for a home and won't commit to the OPs home because that would mean financially contributing.

in reality it should be that he 'lives' in your home, stays at work digs that are free whilst working but sees himself as equally responsible for bills and general maintenance of the family home. he's refusing to do that.

the debts are a red herring - he could go bankrupt or do that other route i forget the name of whereby there are negotiations on your behalf, a certain amount written off and an agreed affordable monthly payment for a fixed period on the rest of it.

the reality OP is that he's quite happy with how things are and has no intention of committing properly to you, his child or the adult world full stop.

StupidFlanders · 09/08/2013 07:54

Agree with swallowed.

It's sad.

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2013 07:57

but this thread is really, really familiar and i suspect the OP has posted all this before, been told the same and gone off without engaging with what posters said.

she's then posted the same scenario presumably hoping for a different response?

OP everyone is saying the same - that should tell you something. how much longer you waste in denial about it is up to you. i do wish all the best if you're still reading.

spg1983 · 09/08/2013 08:05

So you live 10 mins walk away and he has to be able to do the journey in 3 minutes to be able to live there?

Could he buy a bike?

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