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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be told I'm letting myself go?

77 replies

GEM33 · 07/08/2013 14:58

Have 20 month dd. never slept through the night yet. Still breast feeding sometimes every hour throughh the night. had v bad post nat.al depression. Used to be a size ten gym bunny now size 18 not lost baby weight. Work 30 hours a week do not have help other than dh. Work 10- 15 hour shifts. Struggling with life at moment.

Out of the blue had text from mother. "I'm telling you this because I love you, you are letting yourself go and I wish you would do something about it"

I'm deeply hurt. Mother knows I'm very weight conscious. Confirmed she does specifically mean my weight. She knows I'm struggling with everything else at the moment. It just feels like a kick in the teeth when I'm down..

OP posts:
DocMarten · 07/08/2013 14:59

Aww that is really mean. I hope you told her how hurt you are.

CailinDana · 07/08/2013 15:00

What's she usually like? Supportive or thoughtless?

Gruntfuttock · 07/08/2013 15:00

You have a hell of a lot on your plate and that's the last thing you need.

PeterParkerSays · 07/08/2013 15:02

The phrase "and what do you expect me to do about it?" is your friend here.

Had she sent her text, with "so I'll be baby sitting for 2 hours on a Friday night to give you chance to go for a swim" it might have been helpful.

Why is she not offering to help more?

quesadilla · 07/08/2013 15:02

Your mother sounds like a complete bitch, I'm afraid. Particularly in the light of the fact you had PND.

In fact I wonder if her behaviour could be a factor in your PND.

I can't tell you what to do but I would cut my mother off if she said something like this to me at a time like that.

You need people around you who will support you now. Your mother on the basis of this is not one of those. If necessary, talk to your counseller or GP about this.

parakeet · 07/08/2013 15:03

It is hurtful. I would tell her you don't want to hear these hurtful comments from her.

Your life sounds hard. Are you happy with the situation of breastfeeding hourly through the night or do you want to stop? Because it is quite possible to stop and it won't hurt your child a bit.

MadInfoScientist · 07/08/2013 15:03

WOW!! You are SO NOT BU!! What an awful thing for your Mother to say...why on earth would she make such a hurtful comment!? 20 months is not a long time at all when you are caring for a baby who won't sleep with very little support.

Do NOT listen to her. There is no time limit on weight loss...the most important thing for you to do now is to take care of baby and get the rest that you need. You will get back to exercise when you are ready...but please take your time, and don't listen to that kind of negativity!

Chottie · 07/08/2013 15:04

First of all sending a hug { }

You are not being unreasonable. I do not think your DMs comments were very constructive. Life sounds really busy and hectic at the moment. Please ignore her text.

Original poster
GEM33 · 07/08/2013 15:06

That's exactly what I thought. She never ever babysits. She has been no help since having dd. I asked her why didn't she mention more gently face to face or make an offer of help. She said I needed a wake up call!!!!

I am acutely aware of my size and I really do not need to be told this.

She can't understand why I rang her in tears telling her how upset I am and how insecure her comment has made me. She said a mother should be able to say that to her daughter. She said anyone that thinks her comment is unreasonable is just trying to be nice to me?!

OP posts:
Mouthfulofquiz · 07/08/2013 15:06

Whilst I think she could have worded it better, is it not just a case of tough love?? My mum had a word with me when I was a teenager and went up to about a size 14... It did the trick although I didn't like hearing it at all. I almost lost all the weight just to spite her. I should add that I have a great relationship with my mum - and I value her straight-talking ways!

badtime · 07/08/2013 15:07

Is your mother usually such a bitch? Does she often criticise you 'because she loves you'Hmm?

Gruntfuttock · 07/08/2013 15:10

You need all the support you can get, both practical and emotional. It would be nice to think your mother would want to give you as much of both as possible. That comment was the opposite, and completely out of order, because it was not only unsupportive but actually detrimental. Dreadful of her.

ImNotBloody14 · 07/08/2013 15:10

the correct response to that text is "wow- i am so overwhelmed by your offer to help me get myself back on track- i can meet Saturday to hear your proposal for how you're going to achieve my transformation- does that suit you?"

Wishwehadgoneabroad · 07/08/2013 15:12

She definitely could have worded it better!

Tell her you need help! Tell her how to help.

mrspaddy · 07/08/2013 15:12

Hello OP.. you don't need this.. I had a period in my life where I let my weight increase and felt awful about it.. the last thing I needed was comments on letting myself go from family. All it did was lead to comfort eating.
Why on earth did she text that? Love is a rubbish silly excuse to make a mean comment.
If she was that concerned she would come around, be supportive, ask if you are ok, offer to do some sport together or gently say what works for her weight- even that is bordering on tricky.
My mother is much, much heavier than me and always comments on others people's weights ????? nuts

meganorks · 07/08/2013 15:13

That's horrible. Please ignore her. Or maybe confront her on it - tell her how hurtful she has been, how hard you are finding things and maybe ask for a bit of support rather than criticism. Could she help you out at all with some baby sitting? Not for exercise, for sleep! No idea how you are managing with so little sleep and working so many hours.

Original poster
GEM33 · 07/08/2013 15:13

I ve never been good enough for her. Appreciate your comments. I thought I was losing the plot to feel so hurt. Thanks all.

Whoever made the tough love comment, I'm 35. Not 14. I feel I need support and love not negativity but I see where you're coming from.

OP posts:
Nagoo · 07/08/2013 15:17

Say 'thanks for offering, can you take DD on x, y and z occasion'. If she feels the need to comment then she might as well make herself useful.

You need some sleep before you can think about doing anything for yourself!

Keztrel · 07/08/2013 15:23

YANBU or crazy to feel hurt. It was a mean-spirited, unsupportive and unloving thing to say, especially when not backed up by offers of help, suggestions or evidence of concern. She sounds exactly like my grandma actually, who sits back and openly criticises everyone "because they need to know" Confused I'd say it comes from a place of selfish insecurity - making themselves feel better and morally superior by criticising others.

youmeatsix · 07/08/2013 15:24

and who apart from celebs with squads of help look like they did pre baby? hard though it is you need to take this with the massive pinch of salt it deserves. It wasnt helpful, it wasnt well meant, however much she thinks or says it was. We all get through the early days as best we can

JohFlow · 07/08/2013 15:33

What an insensitive thing for her to say.

It quite normal for your body to change when you have a baby and for it take a while for it to return to (somewhere) near 'normal. It took mine about three years. It took me a while to adjust to the new body I had and to try to make the best out of it (when I had time).

It sounds like you are very busy and doing all the right things to combine work, looking after your daughter and keeping active. This is on top of having PND (which I also understand intimately and wouldn't wish anybody). What an excellent job you are doing.

I wish you have more support around you right now. The last thing you need is a mother who is trying remind you of the way you looked pre-baby. I understand if past problems with her have helped you keep her 'at bay'. Sounds like you could do with reminiscing with her about her early days of motherhood. This could act as a starting point to discuss actually how hard it is. Perhaps she has forgotten the challenges herself. Is there anyone else that you can turn to for unconditional support right now?

You are not letting yourself go - you are getting on with what needs doing right now. Size 18 women are beautiful too and I'm sure that your DD loves the way you look. xx

Original poster
GEM33 · 07/08/2013 15:38

Aw thanks joh flow what a lovely thing to say x I'm feeling better already x

OP posts:
LadyClariceCannockMonty · 07/08/2013 15:40

What a bitch. Sorry, I know she's your mum, but honestly.

You've got a lot on your plate and I bet you're doing wonderfully. As Joh says, size 18 women are beautiful too Smile and you have a gorgeous new DD.

Could your partner take on more? (that is not a dig at him ? I just genuinely don't know how you manage the childcare between you and it might be possible to make some changes to make things a little easier on you?)

Thanks and a Brew

cacamilis · 07/08/2013 15:43

gem your comment that you have never been good enough for your mother struck a cord with me. I in a similar position my siblings and I have reached the conclusion that our mother probably has a personality disorder we suspect narcissism.

If your mother had been your best interests at heart she would have approached you directly and in a more gentler manner, making sure that timing was good. She had no way of knowing what humor you were in when you received that text and whether or not you at that time were able for such directness. I would hazard a guess that your mother sees your failures and achievements as a reflection of herself, she probably sees your weight gain as reflecting bad on her.Shock

The best advice I can give you is do not expect to rationalise with your mother or expect her to admit she was wrong. I spent years doing this and it was a waste of time and energy. instead set boundaries, let her know in a non confrontational manner when she breaks them and don't listen to her excuses.
The most important thing is not to allow her to undermine you or make you feel bad about yourself. For some reason even though I know what my mother was like her words and comments had a way of getting to me that nobody could, I think it's an inner belief that if your own mother can't see any good in your then there must be something wrong.Sad Anyway I am long past been hurt by anything my mother has to say, I literally laugh at the comments because they are so ludicrous.

Expect nothing positive from your mother and you won't be disappointed, shut her down if she makes negative comments and if this testing thing becomes a habit, delete all texts from her without reading and let her know that's what you will be doing.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 07/08/2013 15:46

How on earth are you managing those night feeds AND working? Shock you must feel like the walking dead! Your Mother should NOT have said that btw. HOw awful.