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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be told I'm letting myself go?

77 replies

GEM33 · 07/08/2013 14:58

Have 20 month dd. never slept through the night yet. Still breast feeding sometimes every hour throughh the night. had v bad post nat.al depression. Used to be a size ten gym bunny now size 18 not lost baby weight. Work 30 hours a week do not have help other than dh. Work 10- 15 hour shifts. Struggling with life at moment.

Out of the blue had text from mother. "I'm telling you this because I love you, you are letting yourself go and I wish you would do something about it"

I'm deeply hurt. Mother knows I'm very weight conscious. Confirmed she does specifically mean my weight. She knows I'm struggling with everything else at the moment. It just feels like a kick in the teeth when I'm down..

OP posts:
DialsMavis · 07/08/2013 16:04

Im sorry she said that, how upsetting! You clearly can't take any more on than you are at the moment. When I am sleep deprived I put on weight and its awful not being able to do anything about it. Is there a reason why you won't night wean?

minouminou · 07/08/2013 16:09

"....I wish you'd do something about it...."

Well, she can pull her head out of her arse and help you, then, can't she?

Sleep deprivation can totally lead to weight gain, as you tend to eat a lot of carbs - one thing you could do without outside help is to review your diet. That'll make you feel better about yourself - then you can tell your mother to shape up her bloody self.

YorkshireTeaGold · 07/08/2013 16:14

Hi! Your mother is bvu and should have offered support rather than criticism, that was horrid and it sounds like you're doing a fabulous job.

However what really stood out for me in your post was the fact that you bf so much at night. I'm really pro bf and dead soft however I knocked night feeds on the head long before this as felt sooo tired I wad unable to function. No wonder you struggle with your weight, being tired makes you pile it on and you're in no position to go to the gym etc. Could you not be resolute and settle without feeding til she gets used to it? sure you'd feel lots better for it.

Your mum still v insensitive though! X

KoalaFace · 07/08/2013 16:29

I'd be livid if DM said this to me. If she can't respect your boundaries (not commenting on your weight, looks, whatever) I'd be telling her that I'd had a "wake up call" regarding the negative affect she had on my life.

On another note, you sound exhausted and fed up. At almost 2 my DS was still was bfing through the night and it was too much for me. DH took over settling him at night and getting him back asleep and within a week DS wasn't even asking for breastmilk any more.

Also you mentioned how you used to be a gym bunny. Do you miss it? Could you steal away an hour here and there for the gym or exercise dvd if its something you'd enjoy? I'm not a gym type of gal but everyone needs some "me" time so could you try and grab some for yourself?

oldgrandmama · 07/08/2013 18:33

Big hugs from me too, Gem. That's awful on the part of your mother and, well, tactlessness isn't in it, it's downright horrible and crass and totally 'unmotherly'. Doesn't the woman realise what PND is, and that you're actually doing a brilliant juggling act with the baby and a job, with no help apart from your partner? WHY doesn't she 'roll up her sleeves' and give you a hand and be supportive and loving? Alas, some mothers are just snarky and undermining and generally unpleasant. I find it bewildering they can be like that with their own children (my mother was much like that, alas) but there you go - so tell yourself that SHE has the problem, not you. I bet you're a wonderful mum and always will be. Your mother should be ashamed of herself.

notnowbernard · 07/08/2013 18:41

Can you show her this thread?

I think you need a gold medal, btw Smile

fouroneone · 07/08/2013 18:42

That's an awful thing for your mum to say. I hope you can ignore it and have faith that your are a wonderful person doing a great job.

I have no idea how youre managing to work so much whilst sleeping so little and its sad that you feel like you're struggling.

Have you tried/looked into any sleep training for your little one? Do you get a break or time to yourself at all?

Please look after yourself.

ClassyAsALannister · 07/08/2013 18:46

God, most mums are like that for a year or so. Especially when they're not sleeping through yet etc. YOU HAVE BIGGER THINGS ON YOUR PLATE RIGHT NOW

And you bloody know it's baby weight that you want to get rid of eventually, so let yourself get through the difficult baby/young toddler stage however best you can and then focus on your weight. Obviously don't get unhealthily massive if you can help it but don't obsess over it either. Not right now.

It is more important that you feel stable & not too thinly spread than look great but shoot your nerves to hell Hmm

What a thing to say to your daughter! Especially when you're offering no help at all.

OxfordBags · 07/08/2013 18:50

It's easier to lose weight than to stop being a thoughtless bitch. Tell her hat, OP. After all, mothers and daughters ought to be able to tell each other the truth, no?

As an aside, lack of sleep can really affect your ability to lose weight (or so I tell myself, SOB!).

And OP, your worth as a person has ZERO to do with your weight or size. You are clearly a very hardworking, devoted mother and you know you wouldn't speak to your own DD that way, so you're pretty much fabulous, okay?!

AdoraBell · 07/08/2013 19:00

YANBU

Your mother is the one who needs a wake up call.

GogoGobo · 07/08/2013 19:25

Sorry, your mum is extremely unkind to say this to you. Very wounding and potentially counter productive. There are some really nasty people around, judging from their armchair! Last year I lost my twin pregnancy. I already have a toddler and was on vapours from feeling physically and emotionally descimated. I then contracted shingles. My business partner chose this time to tell me I needed to sort myself out as I looked like shit and looked frumpy! I was stunned. Take some time to heal from the inside and build your reserves....and tune out from your mum.

Saffyz · 07/08/2013 19:32

YANBU.

I hate it when people think they're doing you a favour by pointing out your weight. As if every woman doesn't already know what size and shape she is! It's none of anyone else's business.

If your mum is thinking you look tired, then it would be so much more helpful if she'd offer some practical support, wouldn't it! Don't allow her to treat you like a child - rise above it.

Would you be able to get some extra help for yourself? E.g. a cleaner for a couple of hours a week? Or swap babysitting time with a friend?

timidviper · 07/08/2013 19:38

I would message her back with "Mum, I am telling you this because I love you, criticism is not the best way to motivate someone who is exhausted and recovering from depression. Help would be far more appreciated and I wish you would do something about that. How about minding baby for a couple of hours a week so I can get a break/go to the gym/whatever"

I would be mortally offended, I am still trying to lose my baby weight and DS is 25 Blush

VenusRising · 07/08/2013 19:39

Ladyclarisse is right! What a bitchy thing to say!
Christ on a bike, how mean.

If she was offering you help it would be something else, but a swipe text like that is not on.

YANBU.

Here's hoping your little one sleeps through soon for you and you can get some head space. It's a slow road back if you've no help, but you can get there. (I had no help either, and waited until nursery till I got back to the gym)

For PND (as well as taking ADs) I walked with the buggy everyday at midday and looked up - I found it helped me get the light into my eyes. Might help you too?!

VenusRising · 07/08/2013 19:40

Timidviper, that's a great message!

Bakingtins · 07/08/2013 19:43

Timidviper is spot on.

Original poster
GEM33 · 07/08/2013 20:26

thanks everyone, your comments have brought tears to my eyes.

timidviper - funnily i text something similar to my mum saying if she is so bothered she should come and babysit 3 times a week so i can exercise and that she has hurt me so deeply. and her replly was, "you can do what the hell you like, i know my intentions have always been good. i cant believe when i mean so well i am thought of so badly. i knew you would be upset when i told you but i had to because your my kid and i chewed it over and thought you needed a wake up call."

i am very very lucky to have an amazing partner and thats how i get through. and yes i do want to night wean but thats another thread!!

OP posts:
Mia4 · 07/08/2013 22:47

Have a hug OP

I'd get smart with her tbh, from your OP you work 30 hours? In 10-15 hours shifts right, so 2-3 days a week? If that's so text her and tell her how nice it is she's concerned and since she loves and wants to support you will she take care of your DC for 2 days a week so you can get so R&R.

Mia4 · 07/08/2013 22:49

Just seen your update, you should back: 'Here's your wake up call, the road to hell is paved with good intentions and your methodology is shockingly shit.'

Bogeyface · 07/08/2013 22:54

'Here's your wake up call, the road to hell is paved with good intentions and your methodology is shockingly shit.'

This!!!

HighBrows · 07/08/2013 22:55

You poor thing you've been through the mill and Flowers.

With a young baby you are in survival mode getting from day one to day two and so on. Enjoy motherhood as best you can and you can tackle your weight if you want when the baby is bigger.

I still haven't lost my baby weight and my eldest is almost 18! Blush I'm sure it won't take you take long. Smile

Mimishimi · 07/08/2013 23:01

OK mum, will be leaving baby with you for free childcare four times a week so I can go to the gym. See you tomorrow at x just after you get off work.

inabeautifulplace · 07/08/2013 23:05

Just tell her that good intentions are without value unless backed up with positive actions. In this case, she can support her good intentions by giving you some time for yourself. She's already said you can do what the hell you like, so I'd interpret that as granny babysitting block-booked for the next 6 months :)

minouminou · 07/08/2013 23:14

That response just tells me that she knew she was out of order and set out just to have a go. She's actually disregarded the info in your message to her and is responding to what she thought your response would be.

Sack her off for now. You don;t need her and her rubbish.

namechangesforthehardstuff · 07/08/2013 23:19

Just FYI I was astonished by how much easier it was to regulate my intake of food especially carbs when DD weaned. Not suggesting you should do that - just pointing out that your body doesn't want you to be a size 10 gym bunny atm and probably won't let you.

Your mum has some body issues which she needs to get over not project onto you - she's being a massive cock.