To not want to be told I'm letting myself go?

[GEM33]

Have 20 month dd. never slept through the night yet. Still breast feeding sometimes every hour throughh the night. had v bad post nat.al depression. Used to be a size ten gym bunny now size 18 not lost baby weight. Work 30 hours a week do not have help other than dh. Work 10- 15 hour shifts. Struggling with life at moment.

Out of the blue had text from mother. "I'm telling you this because I love you, you are letting yourself go and I wish you would do something about it"

I'm deeply hurt. Mother knows I'm very weight conscious. Confirmed she does specifically mean my weight. She knows I'm struggling with everything else at the moment. It just feels like a kick in the teeth when I'm down..

I would now reply back with timidviper's suggestion
"Mum, I am telling you this because I love you, criticism is not the best way to motivate someone who is exhausted and recovering from depression. Help would be far more appreciated and I wish you would do something about that. How about minding baby for a couple of hours a week so I can get a break/go to the gym/whatever"

You should be very proud that you are even functioning!
If your mum can't understand what a hard time you've had and how hard it is to just keep going, then she is not the right person to have around you just now.

Well, you don't need a wake up call. That's the last fucking thing you need when you're not sleeping. What you need is practical help, and if she isn't offering it, she should shut up.

You sound amazing, and the gyms will still be there when you're good and ready. For now just try to survive! And start that thread on night weaning - it changed my life.

OP your mum is being a monumental arsehat!

You sound like you are doing a fantastic job and throw in PND and a non sleeper(I feel your pain!) and I say sod the weight nail some of the sleep returns and you feel up to focussing on something other than your beautiful DD

I gained 3st after having DD as BF made me ravenously hungry 24/7 (seriously I would have eaten DH if I could have fitted him in the oven!) and I didn't have PND... I would have been devastated if this fact had been pointed out by anyone let alone my own mum... Your mum clearly thinks she is the font of all excellent advice and I would inform her that she is gravely mistaken!

Text her back and say "didn't your mother ever teach you that if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all? Mine did so I won't tell you what I think of your attitude and appearance" ( will only work if she did say that to you though!)

Incidentally, I have only just lost my 'baby weight' and DD is 7.5 yo!

How did you lose the baby weight NoMoreMarbles? I put on 2 stone after I had dd2 for exactly the same reason. (Bf made me ravenous!) Dd2 is 6 though now and has not been bf for a few years, so i should probably try and lose it!

Just wanted to let you know it took me 11 years to lose my baby weight and I didn't have PND and I couldn't breast feed!
So tell your mum and see how she likes that.
I have a lovely mum and in all those years she didn't say anything derogatory about my weight.
You've had some lovely comments, so ignore your mum and listen to the lovely ladies on MN.
We all get there in our own good time.

My mum said similar when I was a size 14 and ds2 was 10 weeks old! Ignore her, but I suspect you are upset as you know she is right to a certain extent..... Ime it's mainly about what you eat and not how much exercise you do so I don't think that no time for the gym is that relevant...

Just wanted to add my support. Firstly, that text was a cowardly way of 'supporting' you. Secondly, that's a ridiculously insensitive thing to say to your own daughter and that's before you factor in all you are going through.

Wow, your mother is a prize bitch for the initial text and then for being so arsey when you told her she'd upset you.

A text saying she's worried about your health and wellbeing, so would you accept an offer of her babysitting so you can get out/go to the gym/whatever would raise the same issue but in a gentle, supportive way. The "letting yourself go" comment is just cruel and spiteful. Fuck whoever says women should look a particular way after having a baby and dealing with the cosmic amount of crap you've had on your plate. It's not about looking good; it is about being well both physically and mentally.

Hmmmmm I think the correct response to her reply is....oh, what are the words...oh yes!!

"Fuck of, you bitch".

(Sorry, I know she is your mum but what an utter bitch)

I am telling you this because I love you. You have lost all your kindness and compassion. You have let your motherly instincts go. I wish you'd do somehting about it.

YANBU.

How cruel of your mother. I really hope it doesn't get you too down.

I'd be tempted to say ok, fair enough, if we're being honest, then you've really let yourself go too, with your saggy arse, flabby belly and tits round your ankles.

Ignore her. You've more than enough on and if she was actually wanting to help you, she would have chosen any one of a hundred really kind and supportive ways.

I have a 37 year old DD.She is so beautiful.She put on a fair bit of weight during her 2 pregnancies and found it difficult to lose it all after.Neither I nor her dad would dream of mentioning it let alone sending a text about it.Tough love my arse.Your mum's attitude stinks and she should be ashamed of herself.FFS. Some people have no manners.

OK YANBU BUT ...

size 18 is not 'baby weight'. No one goes up to a size 18 after being a 10 whilst pregnant without over eating. NOW, this is fine, it's fine to be a size 18. You're finding things difficult, and I'm not surprised tbh. It's exhausting and sleep deprivation (esp 20 months of it!!!!) is murder that con not be described without having gone through it. You're mother did not go about this in a good way, but perhaps she is worried that your weight and other things is only making your PND worse (as it does)? She's been an idiot to text you that (I mean really, text ffs!!) but part of it may have been from a good intention (deluded) place in her warped brain.

DOES the weight bother you? If it does, taking control of that one aspect of your life may help. It doesn't have to be gym, it can be an extra walk, cutting out those biscuits etc. Anything will help. IF it bothers you. Don't pretend it's baby weight though because that will stop you taking control if you want to. A little control in one tiny part of your life may make things a little better. Not perfect, but a little better. x

You are not letting yourself go ... you are prioritising your DD and doing her a huge favour still breastfeeding. I put on 3.5 stone over two pregnancies, and think when people say breastfeeding helps you lose weight it's a myth. I did however shift the 3.5 stone with Cambridge diet as soon as I finished breastfeeding, and most of it's still off 5 years later. So don't stress while your still BFing, once that's done there are many more possibilities / opportunities to shift excess weight. I really enjoyed it once I got stuck in.

I can't believe how harsh your mum is being! I don't know anyone who isn't on drugs who wouldn't put weight on with the lack of sleep you are having.

I'm in the same position of just having dp for support and its incredibly hard. Your dp sounds amazing for my birthday my dp paid for me to have a cut and colour at a salon where they give you champagne and it really gave me a confidence boost to buy some new clothes and look after myself a bit more- is this something you could do?

Btw you sound like an amazing mum you should cut yourself some slack

Hi op, yanbu at all.

You have so much to deal with right now, please ignore your mum.

I didn't put on a lot of weight while I was pregnant but did afterwards when dd started to wean from bf. I continued to eat rubbish and was at least a size 20 quite quickly. I felt awful. I, more than anyone, was aware of my weight gain. My confidence was at all time low. I would have devastated to receive such a heartless, insensitive text. I didn't need anyone to point out my size, I was more than able to scrutinise and torture myself about it

The reason you were an athletic size 10 before is probably because you had the time and energy to look that way. You probably had the time to exercise, the time to prepare healthy meals and actually sit down to eat them. Your priority now is your dc. Your life has totally changed now because you have your baby.

Things will get easier though. You will start to get more sleep at some point, start to have a bit more energy and if you would like to lose weight and start to exercise again, that will be the time to do it. Not when you are surviving on a few hours sleep!

I joined weight watchers when dd was 8 months old and just couldn't motivate myself. We was feeding constantly at night and I was exhausted. I gave up but went back when she was 13 months when I felt a little bit more human again and lost 3 stone.

Don't put pressure on yourself and certainly don't listen to what your mum has said. If she was so worried she would offer you practical supper instead of a lousy text!

My mum said something similar to me about my general appearance a few months after DS1 was born. It hurt to hear but, once I'd calmed down, she babysat whilst I went to the hairdressers, and came shopping with me to push the pram whilst I found some clothes that fit me properly. And loathe as I was to admit it, I did feel and look better by the end of the week.

Your Mum sounds tactless, but maybe you can get some practical help from her as a result of this?

Also agree with what others have said about weight coming off easier once you have finished breastfeeding. Not saying you should stop before you are ready, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

SpeedwellBlue. I joined weightwatchers! It has taken me the best part of 6 months to shift 3st 1lb and I plan to lose another 2st over the next 6 months but I'm happy with the baby weight portion being gone now

I get what some of you are saying about me eating less and the fact my mum is right. I'm not saying I haven't let myself go because I have and that's because I have other priorities. Yes my weight is something I want to address but its been a non issue until my mothers comment. And no she is NOT offering any support. She has done sweet f a to help me. She only works 12 hours a week and lives half hour away but she only visits once a month and won't babysit. She has really let me down. And the comment someone made about me going from a 10- size 18, I was very poorly in the first 3 months if pregnancy I was in and out of hospital from suspected ectopic to being told I was losing the baby. I stopped doing my 2-3 hours training every day to nothing I was in too much pain and too scared of miscarrying. Then I was sick as a dog for the entire pregnancy and eating stopped me feeling ill. I put 5 stone on and yes I could have made healthier choices. I ve stayed the same weight since giving birth. I ve not put more on just not lost any weight so yes it was baby weight. And I would eat less if I wasn't so tired and making so much milk makes me so hungry. Lets get one thing straight, I know when I'm ready I will lose the weight. I know what to do its just right now is not the right time for me.

Exactly Gem! YOU will prioritise Weight when you are ready to focus on it! You are doing a fantastic job and you need to keep that in mind and tell those who are quick to kick you when you are low, that your baby is your priority and you haven't 'let your self go' you are being a wonderful mummy and you will look at weight IF and WHEN you decide to!

Bloody hell! I don't even know where to start with how wrong her text was.

If you're anywhere near Herts, let's meet up, eat LOTS of cake and slag her off. Won't help with the weight, but will make you feel better and I always find I take better care of myself when I feel okay.

Mrsbonkers!! Loving the cake comment! Lol. Long way from you perhaps I ll slag mother off to myself over this night shift over tea and biscuits!! Ha ha.
I'm leaving this thread now. Thanks all who responded.
I feel better and I think I ve made my point to mum about how upset I am. She ll never change but this thread has helped me come to terms with her!!

GEM33 a friend of mine said a similar thing to me on a (very rare) girls night out after I had had my two. I had been super fit and toned but it took me a while to recover physically from 2 pregnancies in quick succession. She also thought she was being kind (and picked a great moment to tell me that I looked crap on a night out).

I know it feels crap but I think the best thing to do is to chalk it out to them being massively out of touch and also quite superficial. That's what got me through it.

FWIW now that my eldest is 5, I am easily back down to my pre-pregnancy size zero. It took me over 4 years but it happened naturally without much work in that timeframe.