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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH has an attitude problem...

172 replies

printmeanicephoto · 07/08/2013 14:17

He is v. uptight about the house operating efficiently and makes me feel like a failure because I can't manage to complete all the chores (the weekly shop, most of housework, errands, most of clothes washing, cooking and ironing) during school hours on my two days off (Thurs and Fri) so we can have a chore-free weekend. I work 3 days plus one or 2 eves a week.

He has a lot of responsibility at work, leaves at 7.30am and gets in at 7pm each day. He puts the kids to bed when he gets in and reads them a bedtime story. He sometimes does the washing up and tends to cook at the weekends (I cook in the week).

Although I am generally more laid back than him in terms of my personality, I rarely sit down on my days at home and am not lazy but somehow I just don't manage to get it all done. So by the weekend he is disappointed that he has to muck in for most Sat morning to get it all finished, taking his precious time away from our primary school age kids who he doesn't see much of in the week.

His disappointment is really affecting my self-esteem and is making me resent him. Is he being unreasonable or am I for not managing to get it all done before the weekend? Is our situation normal or do most people in our situation manage to have a relatively chore-free weekend with plenty of quality family time together?

OP posts:
BIWI · 07/08/2013 17:15

So your children are now at school - what is the point of you having those two days off?

Your DH, presumably, thinks that now you have the extra time at home that is isn't unreasonable to assume that you could be doing (more) housework?

If you don't agree with this, then you need to talk it through with him.

However, given the length of the days that he works, I don't really think it's unreasonable of him to assume that you will be doing more housework.

You could be doing things more efficiently (e.g. online shopping, getting a dishwasher, arranging for a cleaner/someone to do the ironing), and/or you could also be asking him to do a bit more during the week.

But all of this has to be discussed with him.

I think YABU to dismiss your DH as having an attitude problem, actually.

If I was working his hours, and I knew my partner was at home for two days a week, not doing anything else, I would also assume that you would be doing more household stuff.

ExitPursuedByABear · 07/08/2013 17:16

I have very low standards. Very low.

And loads of free time.

MrsKoala · 07/08/2013 17:17

I meant to say if so this adds to the time taken. I spend the majority of my time tidying and putting away.

Also how big is your laundry drum? I know this sounds silly, but our old one was tiny. So i used to do 3 loads of washing a day. Now we have a huge one and i do 4-5 loads a week.

MrsKoala · 07/08/2013 17:21

BIWI - i don't think those are particularly long hours that OPs DH is doing, part of it will be travel too.

OP - on the days you woh what are your hours? And then how long do you spend cooking and washing up and looking after the dc on those same days?

TartyMcTart · 07/08/2013 17:24

When I went part-time (3 days a week) we both agreed it would be great as I'd have a day for chores and a day for me Smile

Ok, my house isn't huge but if you get in from school in the morning and whizz round cleaning, washing, shopping, etc. you can easily get most things done in a day.

I (and my OH) would be pissed off if half the weekend was taken up cleaning, etc. when the other half had had two days off in the week to do... what exactly OP?

diddl · 07/08/2013 17:25

I'm the same as you, Whothefuck.

Think it's probably disorganisation & my "there's always tomorrow" attitude.

Maybe the OP could get more done-but just finds it too relentless!

And what's the incentive to do more when she gets moaned at for what she does do?

He creates washing/ironing/dirty plates, but seems to think that because he works longer hrs, none of it is his concern!

And unless they don't eat or wear clothes at the weekend, jobs are always building up!

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 07/08/2013 17:26

Grin Exit

squoosh · 07/08/2013 17:27

I love all the snippy 'what exactly are you doing with your day young lady' type enquiries.

Mumsyblouse · 07/08/2013 17:28

The Op doesn't have two days off, she does 1 or 2 evenings work a week plus the three days. Plus the school runs, daily chores, shopping and cooking. Hardly two days off- how long are the evening's work?

TartyMcTart · 07/08/2013 17:30

squoosh why, what do you think she should be doing while her OH is at work?

squoosh · 07/08/2013 17:33

Necking gin and watching Ryan Gosling films?

MrsKoala · 07/08/2013 17:33

Can you estimate how long it takes to do each job OP? And go thru it like that with DH?

(ie i spend 1 hour bathroom, 1 hour kitchen, 1 hour hoovering and mopping, 30 mins dusting, 30 mins putting bits away, twice a week that's 8 hours before i even do laundry, ironing, cooking etc)

ExitPursuedByABear · 07/08/2013 17:34

Crikey - can't people please themselves what they do? I read the paper, walk the dog, and generally waft.

TartyMcTart · 07/08/2013 17:35

Grin ok, I'm with you on the gin! Not sure who Ryan Gosling is so I'll take Will Smith instead Wink

coppertop · 07/08/2013 17:36

So the dh leaving the house at 7.30am, getting home at 7pm (presumably with breaks during the day), and sitting down with a beer after bedtimes classed as a long day?

Yet the OP working from 7.15am (childcare) and past the time when the dh is drinking beer means she has an easy life and should be doing even more?

I'd be interested to hear how much cleaning the dh does when he's off work. Does he do half when PrintMe is off at the same time, and all of it if she's still at work?

MrsKoala · 07/08/2013 17:36

Grin of course they can, but i was thinking more of how to get the DH to understand it's not ALL Ryan Gosling and gin!

MrsKoala · 07/08/2013 17:36

That was to Exit btw :)

ExitPursuedByABear · 07/08/2013 17:38

And I prefer vodka, but never before the sun is over the yard arm.

squoosh · 07/08/2013 17:39

The sun is always over the yard arm somewhere in the world, that's my philosophy.

MrsKoala · 07/08/2013 17:40

i prefer beer and as long as it's pm somewhere it's okay with me.

MrsKoala · 07/08/2013 17:43

Ha! xpost Squoosh

oldham70 · 07/08/2013 17:44

I feel your pain op. Dh works similar hours and thinks that he is entitled to do nothing except maybe get his food and leave a mess each evening.
I only work very part time and I can't cope.
We have 2 primary school aged dc and a baby.
Before xmas we had a big row when I said I couldn't cope without some input from him.
I was told I spent too much time going to groups and shopping.
And I would love to be able to clean the house in 10 or 11 hours. It can take me an hour just to tidy the crap from 1 room.

ExitPursuedByABear · 07/08/2013 17:48

Mine too Squoosh

What's that song - It's 6 o'clock somewhere? Or is it 5 o'clock?

Oh no, another thread derailed - the last one was with chocolate.

ExitPursuedByABear · 07/08/2013 17:49

Oooh - Oldham70 - Are you from Oldham?

tabulahrasa · 07/08/2013 17:56

Those people who get all their housework done on one or two days a week...?

How does it stay like that till that time next week? Surely it's never actually all done except right after you've finished it?

And how can you not hoover at weekends, or only once a week? Does dirt only suddenly appear the night before you're due to do it?

Or is it just me that feels like nothing's ever actually finished when it comes to stuff like that?