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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I have a right to know my child is going to have a sibling?

54 replies

CuteFeet · 06/08/2013 22:49

My exHs girlfriend is pregnant. I guessed several months ago when our dd was moved out of the bedroom next to his against her wishes yet still my ex has not actually told me. I have had another child since we separated and ensured I told him rather than him hearing it from someone else as obviously having a sibling is a big deal for our daughter. AIBU to think that exH should have told my daughter and I? She found out yesterday when her old bedroom was left unlocked and saw a cot etc in there. Girlfriend is at least 5 months pregnant so not waiting for the 3 month thing.

OP posts:

Famzilla · 06/08/2013 22:54

I think your DD had a right to know, not necessarily you.

Maybe his GF has had a late miscarriage or stillborn baby and didn't want to tell anyone? Especially a young child.

Famzilla · 06/08/2013 22:55

I mean previously, not in this pregnancy.

FredFredGeorge · 06/08/2013 22:57

You have no right, DD has a right and shouldn't've found out by seeing a cot, however they are not being particularly unreasonable about waiting longer than 3 months, but even then you have no right to know, sorry.

deleted203 · 06/08/2013 22:59

Umm...how old is your dd?

Don't actually think you have the right to know anything, but it's slightly odd that they haven't told dd. It is however, up to them when they inform people they are having a child. How do you know gf is at least 5 months pregnant? And how do you know they weren't waiting for tests to see whether they continued with the pregnancy? For all you know they might have been waiting for an amnio and the test results back before deciding to tell dd they were having a baby. I know having a sibling is a big thing for dd - but I think YABU to state 'I have a right to know'.

It's probably courtesy to inform you rather than you hearing it from someone else - but it's certainly not your right.

HeySoulSister · 06/08/2013 23:00

How do you 'have a right'?

It's not happening to you

Original poster

CuteFeet · 06/08/2013 23:00

No she hasn't Famzilla. Dd was moved to a different bedroom around 6 months ago - surely if she's that far gone dd needs to be told rather than just go for contact and find a baby there!

OP posts:

edam · 06/08/2013 23:00

I'm not sure talk of 'rights' is helpful here. Clearly they will tell dd at some point - it's a shame she had to find out by glimpsing the cot. Was she upset at all, or merely passing on something she'd observed?

Original poster

CuteFeet · 06/08/2013 23:03

I phrased it badly. In the ideal world, exH should've told dd by now and informed me out of courtesy as it's a big deal for her. They aren't waiting for tests or anything - everyone else knows.

OP posts:

HeySoulSister · 06/08/2013 23:04

How do you know??

It's their news and up to them who they tell and when

Original poster

CuteFeet · 06/08/2013 23:05

She was upset they weren't honest about why she had to move bedrooms, upset they haven't told her, upset that she hasn't seen a scan picture etc. She feels excluded.

OP posts:

Lweji · 06/08/2013 23:13

How old is your DD?

I'd encourage her to ask them directly about it.
And give them the benefit of the doubt.

Cravey · 06/08/2013 23:14

Your child has the right to know when her father and stepmother see fit, you have no right at all. How old is your dd ?

MikeLebowski · 06/08/2013 23:22

I don't know about 'a right' to know but yup when I became pregnant Dh ex was one of the first to know. We don't get on particularly well, however as it's potentially upsetting and confusing times for my dsc it just seemed like the decent thing to do.
She appreciated the heads up.

Famzilla · 06/08/2013 23:29

How do you know she hasn't? Can you honestly say you know everything about this woman's life?

Aside from DP, my closest friend and a few HCP's, no one knows that my PFB is not actually my PFB..

IneedAyoniNickname · 06/08/2013 23:30

Actually I think you do have a 'right' for want of a better word, as the new baby will affect your dd.

My exs gf is pregnant. They told the dc when she was 3 weeks, but they didn't tell me as they didn't want to upset me. I only know as someone mentioned it to me, that was a shock I can tell you!

Ex casually mentioned "babyname" on the phone last week, I was so tempted to reply "who the fuck is babyname?" But didn't because I was in the co-op

Like Mike said its a potentially upsetting and confusing time for existing dc, and knowing would have made me trying to work out why my 8 year old had seemingly had a personality transplant much easier!

GiraffesAndButterflies · 06/08/2013 23:35

Do you actually know for sure she is pg? Cot by itself doesn't mean that.

Original poster

CuteFeet · 06/08/2013 23:42

She's 8. They've told everyone else.

OP posts:

Oodelaranana · 06/08/2013 23:42

You say everyone else already knows? What do you really know for sure and what are you just guessing? I don't think you have a right to know but it would have been polite and sensible to have told you. I do feel very sorry for your DD though if they haven't told her and included her properly. They are setting themselves up for trouble and hurting her by acting like that when she might have been really excited about the thought of a baby if handled better.

Cravey · 06/08/2013 23:44

I think you may be just guessing here, how do you know who knows and who doesn't ? Regardless it's still down to them to tell your child. They don't have to tell you anything really. It's sad for your dd if she feels pushed out but it falls to you to make things easier.

crazykat · 06/08/2013 23:46

Sort but its none of your business that they're having a baby together. They should however have told your DD but its up to them when they want to tell her. Just because you felt the need to tell your ex when you were having a baby doesn't mean he has to do the same.

Oodelaranana · 06/08/2013 23:48

Can you gently ask them yourself? Perhaps say that DD has guessed because of the cot and see what they say? If you're sure other people know I can't see a good reason why they haven't told your daughter.

Viviennemary · 06/08/2013 23:52

I think it is only courtesy that your ex should tell you his partner is having a baby if your DD sees them. I agree that it is the decent thing to do.

aldiwhore · 06/08/2013 23:52

I feel for your dd, and I do think that although they shouldn't have to tell you everything, as this is something that will affect your dd, they should have told her and made her feel included, and because of that, it would have been courteous and better all round to tell you too.

But... people are odd. All you can do is support your dd, be positive, as positive as you can. It's not the baby's fault that your dd's father made her feel left out, and she needs to believe this.

olidusUrsus · 07/08/2013 03:24

Yes I think they should have given you the courtesy of letting you know your DD was going to have a baby brother or sister appearing at some point. Your DD certainly should have been told, finding out by seeing the cot must've been horrible for her.

I'd do what Oodelara said.

Ericaequites · 07/08/2013 03:33

Your ex husband should have told your daughter himself when his girlfriend was expecting. It would have been courteous for him to tell you as well. It's vulgar to tell people one is expecting before three months. Still, one ought not wait until the new child's arrival before informing half-siblings. There's a middle ground, and it's best all around to stick to same.

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