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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be seriously thinking about registering the baby in my name

168 replies

frenchboy · 06/08/2013 22:46

DP and I are engaged, and expecting our first child imminently.

Recently we've had a lot of stress and money worries over CSA and contact issues for his daughter. It's got to the point where I'm wondering what the hell I've let myself in for, and often can't see myself staying around to put up with this sort of nonsense for much longer.

With this in mind, and the fact that even if all this were sorted out we could never afford even the most basic of wedding ceremonies, I'm getting increasingly sceptical about registering our baby with his surname.

Aside from all the practical issues - travel, school etc, I'd quite like my child and I to have the same family name. If DP and I worked through everything, and somehow got the money together one day to get married, we'd need to reregister the birth anyway so it would be no problem 'updating' baby's surname too.

AIBVU to be considering this? Haven't even broached the subject with DP yet, but he'd be very p'd off. Might leave it until we're actually registering to bring the topic up....

OP posts:

JodiLeighLeigh · 07/08/2013 17:57

When the hell did this become a debate about a potential rape victim rather than a real life couple?

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 07/08/2013 18:26

swallow I didn't risk an unplanned pregnancy prior to committing to my DP though - I didn't want to deal with the complications that would bring, given the hassle he was having with his ex, the fact that my DDs dad was being difficult and the fact that it was the first new relationship for both of us for 15+ years.

Sex isn't compulsory, you know!!!!

swallowedAfly · 07/08/2013 18:35

no it isn't. i was checking that that was what you meant. that you didn't have sex with him until he met a number of conditions on what he should do about his ex and his child. that's fairly demanding but fair play. so your advice is we should all write contracts before having sex? or decide exactly what we think they should do with their lives and make them do it first.

jodi - no, i'm saying given he already has contact and csa issues with one child, given the OP does not feel her relationship is likely to last, given she has a good chance of raising this child alone she is not being unreasonable to consider giving this child her name.

swallowedAfly · 07/08/2013 18:36

and the rape etc example was explaining why the law is as it is and thank god it is. but then you know that.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 07/08/2013 18:43

or decide exactly what we think they should do with their lives and make them do it first.

I'm not arrogant enough to believe that I can make anyone do anything - but you clearly think you can! We agreed together; we both have DCs, we took things slowly and put our own lives in order before joining forces. If nothing else, our DCs deserved that from us.

Perhaps if more people thought about the potential consequences of sex before they jumped into bed with someone, they wouldn't have a nasty surprise when they discover the father of the baby they are carrying is a deadbeat dad - which is what you say happened to the OP.

As I tell my DC 'choices have consequences'.

JodiLeighLeigh · 07/08/2013 18:58

The contact and CSA issues should have come into play before deciding to have a child with him. NOT used as the excuse for excluding him from what (between a couple / the parental unit) he should be consulted about in order for them both to decide.

This isn't about the law or your endless 'what ifs'. It's about common decency and respect for the opinions of the person with whom you decided to have a child. Even if the OP does decide the child should take her name, she is still in a relationship with the father and he should be consulted.

bluebell8782 · 07/08/2013 19:58

Yes..well said Jodie.

IneedAsockamnesty · 07/08/2013 20:15

Life is full of situations where people can not agree because each party wants there own result. Its a part of life and with regard to this particular matter when both cannot agree in the absence of a marriage the law will always back up the mothers naming wishes.

That's just the way it is. And I think that's the right way but thats IMHO

JodiLeighLeigh · 07/08/2013 20:32

I understand that and wholeheartedly agree, however I don't think it negates the courtesy of having the discussion rather than letting her OH think one thing is happening while planning on doing another.

IneedAsockamnesty · 07/08/2013 21:03

Well I agree with that not hing wrong with raising it.

PrettyKitty1986 · 07/08/2013 21:16

pretty do you know how your children feel about having to make those corrections and explain them?

Again, what are you on about?

What corrections do my children need to make and who do they need to explain to just because my name is different?

KristinaM · 08/08/2013 15:19

Swallowed -I just asked my Teenaged DD is anyone has ever asked her why her surname is different from mine . She looked at me as if I was stupid and said " no"

I'm much amused at your suggestion that this problem doesnt arise for my children because i dont live in a "naice village " and my children dont attend a " naice village school " . In fact we do and they do. But people here are "naice " enough to have manners. And it's RUDE to ask a child why they have the name they do. In the same way its RUDE to ask someone why they are cohabiting and not married or if their children are illegitimate or how much they earn or why they got divorced.

I would not like to make decisions for my children worried about what one rude person might ask them at some time in their childhood. There are more important factors to consider, which other posters have mentioned down the thread

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 08/08/2013 16:54

Kristina I was wondering where this naice village primary that swallow was referring to was as well

My DD (who attended a small primary school in a rural town) was asked why she hadn't been bridesmaid at mine and her Dads wedding in the past - we had in fact for married 2 years before she was born! There was no stigma associated with her saying that - any more than there was for the little girl who asked the question and who was going to be a bridesmaid at her parents forthcoming wedding!

swallow unless you know the intimate family details of all the households in your 'naice village' I think it's fair to say that you'd be surprised to discover how many couples who you assume are respectably married with 2.4 DCs are actually co-habiting, divorced, blended/step, estranged etc etc. I'm certain that at your DCs school, just as at any other, there are DCs who do not share the surname of their primary carers. Some may not even be related at all!

swallowedAfly · 08/08/2013 19:14

this is delightful piss takey behaviour. perhaps it is normal for your circle to have three kids with three different surnames, in mine it isn't and no there genuinely aren't any single parents in my sons' school and having different names would stand out.

but you know best because you need to defend the fact you gave your children the surname of the man you happened to have gotten pregnant to instead of your own.

whatever.

swallowedAfly · 08/08/2013 19:16

OP - beyond the bitching and nastiness directed at me i'll just go back to answering - yanbu and i would strongly advise you do give your child your own surname. any sane man will understand that given you're not even married and he already is an nrp to other children. if you insist on then going on and getting with another man and having more children by another father i'd suggest you give them your surname too.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 08/08/2013 21:24

but you know best because you need to defend the fact you gave your children the surname of the man you happened to have gotten pregnant to instead of your own.

I share the name of the man I happened to of got pregnant to - and i was married to him at the time - hence my DD is one of those DCs you approve of, whose family is nice and tidy and all have the same surname.

Except..... her Dad and I are divorced, and he's got remarried so DDs stepmum also shares her surname, and I haven't changed my name to my DPs, so he has a different name to the rest of us - but it's the same surname as his DCs and his exW's

I think Jeremy Kyle should spend a week in your village, swallow - he'd uncover all sorts of hidden skeletons that you don't know about! Human nature is what it is; if your village is so statistically different to the rest of the UK, it would have made headline news by now.

JodiLeighLeigh · 08/08/2013 21:39

Swallowedafly - I have to say, I'm quite frankly flabbergasted that you know the relationship status of the parents of every single child at your son's school.

I'm even more amazed that according to you, there aren't any single parents. I can only assume that either it's an extremely small school or your son is home schooled. I doubt there's a school in the country that can boast they have no children on single parents. Certainly not one with more than 100 pupils.

I'm also going to gather from your own comments that you're quite a snob. Yes YOU may notice if a child has a different name to the parent, and YOU may judge the parent for that rather than acknowledging that relationships sometimes break. The rest of us live in the real world. It's 2013, not 1920. Many couples don't marry, and a huge number of women do not grow old with the father of their children.

Personally, I have no problem with women who have 3 kids with 3 different surnames (your example, not mine). I would only have a problem if the children weren't well looked after and loved. I can guarantee you, children would much rather be loved than have matching surnames.

EachAndEveryHighway · 08/08/2013 21:46

Even in my dcs teeny weeny village school in ultra-conservative area there are a few single parents / blended families / unmarried parents.... can't believe there are no situations like that in SAF's school.

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2013 07:23

i am a single parent. i've never encountered another at the school in the two years i've been there.

it's not about families i approve of it's about a woman who is not married, pregnant to a man who already has children he's in csa drama over and who the woman doesn't see the relationship working out with and my opinion that in those circumstances she'd be mad to give the child his surname.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 09/08/2013 07:50

And I ask again - on what are you basing your assumption that the OPs DP is a deadbeat dad and has turned his back on his DCs?
The OP hasn't said what the issues are that are putting pressure on their relationship, other then they are linked to CSA and contact - I know how tough it was supporting my DP when he was seeking contact with his DCs and we weren't living together and I wasn't pregnant! Just because he was 'doing the right thing' didn't make it easy.

Why is this man a bad dad, and therefore the OPs DC is better off without his name?

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2013 07:52

did i say he was a deadbeat? i said there was csa drama which is as much as we know.

i haven't said he's a 'bad man' either.

in fact just re-read what i actually said rather than making up things i didn't say.

burberryqueen · 09/08/2013 07:56

there genuinely aren't any single parents in my sons' school
where do you live, Stepford?

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2013 07:59

i am the only single mother i am aware of at my son's school. clearly i can't be sure of the intake behind us but i know there are none in my son's year or the year above and i've never known a single other one despite the fact i live locally.

no i don't live in stepford.

speaking of my situation - no idea why that begets such vitriol and sarcasm.

burberryqueen · 09/08/2013 08:02

ah the only single mother you are aware of - that sounds a bit more likely tbh

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 09/08/2013 09:19

swallow If dad was hands on, wanted 50:50 care, and is maybe even currently fighting to have primary care of his DCs, why on earth would the OP be better off giving the baby her name, not Dads?

Using your argument, if Dad is going to be an equal part of his DCs life, then surely the OPs DC will experience the same questioning and stigma if they don't share his name?

It's clear you have concluded that Dad isn't committed and that's why you think the OP should use her name and not consider her DPs views at all.

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