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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be seriously thinking about registering the baby in my name

168 replies

frenchboy · 06/08/2013 22:46

DP and I are engaged, and expecting our first child imminently.

Recently we've had a lot of stress and money worries over CSA and contact issues for his daughter. It's got to the point where I'm wondering what the hell I've let myself in for, and often can't see myself staying around to put up with this sort of nonsense for much longer.

With this in mind, and the fact that even if all this were sorted out we could never afford even the most basic of wedding ceremonies, I'm getting increasingly sceptical about registering our baby with his surname.

Aside from all the practical issues - travel, school etc, I'd quite like my child and I to have the same family name. If DP and I worked through everything, and somehow got the money together one day to get married, we'd need to reregister the birth anyway so it would be no problem 'updating' baby's surname too.

AIBVU to be considering this? Haven't even broached the subject with DP yet, but he'd be very p'd off. Might leave it until we're actually registering to bring the topic up....

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 07/08/2013 12:16

I didn't deny my child's father, Annabelle. My child's father denied my child. His decision, not mine.

The OP's situation is different to mine but in her situation I'd register the birth together to put the dad's name on the BC but give the baby her surname. That way he'll still have PR. In the seemingly quite likely situation that they split up, it's highly likely that the OP will be the one who, in her own words, will be left holding the baby. On the other and, if/when they get married and if the OP chooses to change her surname to his or double-barrel it, they can change the baby's surname then. But I would never, ever give my baby a surname that isn't mine, just because it's 'tradition' or 'just what you do' or to placate the father. If he can't understand the reasons for doing it as above then quite frankly I'd question his understanding and consideration of my feelings.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 07/08/2013 12:18

On the other hand*

AnnabelleLee · 07/08/2013 12:20

I didn't say you did. I didn't even read your post, afaik.
I said any non married woman COULD, if she chooses. Like OP is talking about.

swallowedAfly · 07/08/2013 12:33

you said 'do any of you'. as if we were one big borg mind who'd all said the same thing.

AnnabelleLee · 07/08/2013 12:35

no, I said do any of you, as in I'm asking if anybody does.

I think you're over-analysing.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 07/08/2013 13:02

Just clarifying my situation.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 07/08/2013 13:08

Oh, and you said that as the mother, it's never questioned by anyone. There was a thread quite recently which, iirc, was about the rise in number of parents getting stopped at airport security if they are travelling without the other parent and have a different surname to their child. So, yes, sometimes as the mother it's questioned. Given that most single parents are women and lots of those women may well have a different surname to their child(ren), that's potentially a lot of mothers that may be stopped, questioned and asked to prove their relationship to their DC.

bluebell8782 · 07/08/2013 13:17

In that case let's just make it law that father's can never pass their surname to their children - makes it SO much easier for everyone (oh no, just mothers...) Hmm

swallowedAfly · 07/08/2013 13:25

a country that i regularly go to would give me serious delays if my son had a different name to me.

swallowedAfly · 07/08/2013 13:26

the law is already clear bluebelle as we've seen.

Erlack · 07/08/2013 13:28

I have my own views on what I would do if I could rewind the clock but everyone's circumstances are different so I am not sure my personal anecdote is helpful. What I would say is don't leave it to the moment you are actually registering to bring it up...that is not a good time to resolve an important issue.

swallowedAfly · 07/08/2013 13:30

perhaps if this issue is so important to you you'd best petition your mp or something? if the idea that an unmarried woman has autonomy over the registering of her child's birth seems so offensive to you you could campaign about it.

MikeOxard · 07/08/2013 13:34

Why on earth would it be U to give YOUR child YOUR surname?? You're the one giving birth! If you think now that you may split up, and want the same name as your dc, then really yabu to consider giving it any other name than your own, why do that to yourselves? To save an argument with your OH? It'll be an argument you'll wish you had when you do split up an have different names, especially if you then go on to have any more children and this child ends up feeling the odd one out. :(

swallowedAfly · 07/08/2013 13:50

thank you mike. exactly.

bluebell8782 · 07/08/2013 13:51

There are lots of issues I feel strongly about as I'm sure there are with you. Are you planning to campaign against everything you disagree with?

I feel strongly that a lot of views about this subject are outdated and sexist so I'm going to say something. Don't you try and explain things when you post in order to maybe make someone look at things slightly differently? I've read your posts and don't agree, you've read mine and don't agree - it's no big deal.

eccentrica · 07/08/2013 13:52

bluebell "Yes, we carry the baby and give birth, but this is purely a matter of science. It doesn't mean that we are the superior decision maker and it also doesn't mean that women go through this because we are going to be a better parent than the father. Women happen to carry the baby, the man doesn't but is still an equal."

It might be 'purely a matter of science' but it appears to have some significance if you look at the number of fathers who don't bother to/don't want to see their kids, compared to the number of mothers who do the same.

In my circle of friends and acquaintances alone, I know 3 or 4 men who have no contact with their children, and I know 3 or 4 women who are raising children with no contact from their father - not through the mothers' choice in any case.

It is naive and ridiculous to say that being the parent who carries and gives birth to the child has no impact on what happens next (indeed in many cases the father has already made himself scarce before the baby is born).

Unmarried women choosing to give their children their own name, rather than the father's, is hardly 'being stuck in the Dark Ages' Hmm

Disclaimer: I am not married and my daughter has my surname.

eccentrica · 07/08/2013 13:53

X-posted

Honestly bluebell, your insistence that women having rights is 'outdated and sexist' is truly bizarre. Reading your posts I feel like I've fallen into a looking-glass world. Are you a covert member of Fathers for Justice by any chance?

swallowedAfly · 07/08/2013 13:54

yep women having autonomy over their own wombs and how to register the children that come out of that womb is sooooo dark ages

swallowedAfly · 07/08/2013 13:55

oh and personally carrying my son for 9 months and giving birth to him was a bit more meaningful than a pure matter of science. do you want to denigrate female experience any further in the interest of 'not being sexist'?

swallowedAfly · 07/08/2013 13:58

god even the man on the thread gets it.

you're tripping over yourself to worry about men, disregard women and denigrate female experience and ignore socio political realities.

bizarre.

bluebell8782 · 07/08/2013 14:00

eccentrica - I haven't said that being the parent who carries the child has no impact on what happens next - I didn't even imply it.

If it was the male that got pregnant and gave birth, there would be many more stories of the mothers fucking off and being feckless. People are people and there are some crap parents and really good ones no matter what the gender is.

Unmarried women choosing to give their children their own name is just as bad as the man assuming the child will have is. I don't get why that is so difficult to understand.

OhDearNigel · 07/08/2013 14:03

That's a hell of an assumption and rather ironic given that feminism has been raised several times on this thread.

Feminism or no feminism i think we all know that it's extremely unlikely that the OP wont be left as a single mum if she and the father split up. Especially as the OP reports that he already has one child that he doesnt maintain agreed contact with

bluebell8782 · 07/08/2013 14:15

So because you think I'm saying father's should be seen as equal in the eyes of the law I must be a member of Fathers for Justice - seriously? There's no room for someone to just have an opinion on something...? To be honest I haven't even been concentrating on that - I've been saying that the parents should be equal - not one or the other. I thought that was fairly obvious and I don't get why people are so against it.

It is a wonderful experience to carry a child and give birth - I just don't think that makes me the superior parent and an over-ruling decision maker shrug

Blu · 07/08/2013 14:29

Whether or not you get married, you can still keep your own name.

Give your baby both your surnames. That names the baby with the names of both it's parents which is surely the fairest and most C21st thing to do, whatever the parents' realtionship status.

Then sort out your relationship problems and don't bring this into it.

Sparklyboots · 07/08/2013 14:45

OP, I'd give the baby your own name and keep your own name, even if you married. I don't think this issue is what will end your relationship; if it does, you can be sure it's just the thing that came up at the right time.

FWIW my son has his dad's name and our daughter has mine. We both wanted them both iyswim but double barrelling would be fucking ridiculous in our cases. So this is our system. People rose extraordinary objections: 'People will think they have different fathers' (HV) 'If you split up your son will feel left out' (acquaintance), 'If you split up, they won't feel like a family' (acquaintance).