to be seriously thinking about registering the baby in my name

[frenchboy]

DP and I are engaged, and expecting our first child imminently.

Recently we've had a lot of stress and money worries over CSA and contact issues for his daughter. It's got to the point where I'm wondering what the hell I've let myself in for, and often can't see myself staying around to put up with this sort of nonsense for much longer.

With this in mind, and the fact that even if all this were sorted out we could never afford even the most basic of wedding ceremonies, I'm getting increasingly sceptical about registering our baby with his surname.

Aside from all the practical issues - travel, school etc, I'd quite like my child and I to have the same family name. If DP and I worked through everything, and somehow got the money together one day to get married, we'd need to reregister the birth anyway so it would be no problem 'updating' baby's surname too.

AIBVU to be considering this? Haven't even broached the subject with DP yet, but he'd be very p'd off. Might leave it until we're actually registering to bring the topic up....

[Shakirasma]

My husbands DD was given her mothers surname.

After her parents separated, her mum married another man and took his surname, they had a child together.

Her dad and I married and had 2 DC, so we all have his surname.

As a result my DSD does not share a surname with either her mother, her father, or any of her siblings!

My Eldest dc has her dads surname, and although it isn't the same as mine or her siblings it is the same as her dads.

I have never come across any difficulties with this, and she is 15 now!

[MikeLitoris]

Thay is pretty much what happened to me as a child Shakira. I've never had an issues and I grew up without the dad I was named after.

Do people really ask why you or your dc have diff names? I've never experienced it and neither have my dc.

By all means call your baby whatever you want. But dont use rubbish excuses like it will be a hassle to have different names.

[swallowedAfly]

it could be as innocent as hello, right so your name is mike lite, oh it isn't? i just assumed because that's your mum's name..... (loaded pause that small child doesn't know they're allowed to ignore) no it was my dad's name, oh right sorry i didn't realise you saw your dad, err no i don't see him because.... (small child doesn't realise it's none of this nosey parkers business so feels they have to expose themselves and their private business that they maybe don't feel too confident about).

random example badly worded but yes, i can see how it comes up and wrong foots a child who already hurts about the fact they don't see their dad anymore.

[swallowedAfly]

or other way round the teacher is writing a letter to 'mum' and writes wrong name and child has to say that's not my mum's name and is forced to deal with the issue again.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

OP reports that he already has one child that he doesnt maintain agreed contact with

The OP had not posted details when I commented - I assumed from the OP that the issues were that he was seeking more contact with his DCs.
I fail to understand why the OP would choose to have a baby with a man who is already failing his DCs - hence my assumption he was a hands on dad who was being prevented from sharing parenting.

[swallowedAfly]

oh so she should just have an abortion then you think? or are you saying she should never have had sex with him? or that if she did she should have made sure she was sterilised first just to be sure of no contraception failure?

think.

[GreenSkittles]

It will be a lot easier for baby to have your name, and change it if you both get married (IF you do want to change your names then), but almost impossible to change it to your surname if you split up. I know a couple who went to court over this, and the mother was not allowed to change her daughter's surname.

So if it means a lot to you, use your name. But I would try to have a civil discussion about it first, ask how he would feel about dc having your surname. Your trump card is his first dc but I woudl only use that as a last resort. If things are already dicey between you, he should actually understand why you wouldn't be keen to use his name.

[KristinaM]

My kids schools send letters to " Parent or guardian of Jane Smith " . My children manage to get the letter to me even though I'm not called Mrs Smith. They are clever that way

If someone said to DD " You must be Jane Brown " she would say " no I'm Jane Smith ". It's not difficult

I can't imagine an adult asking her " Why are you Jane Smith when your mother is Professor Brown? " Or " do you still see your father Dr Smith? " . But then I don't live in 1950

[swallowedAfly]

i think you must have a lack of imagination then kristina.

but hey maybe i do live in the 1950's. i live in a naice village and my son goes to a naice village school where they still talk about jesus as if his messianic status was a given.

[swallowedAfly]

you know it may be a shock but actually there are lots of places and situations where having a different name to your mum isn't common or having three kids with different surnames isn't normal or easily overlooked.

there are places where you may be the only single parent in the playground or the only child who doesn't see his daddy.

you don't have to go back 60 years for this.

if i had another child it would have the same name as me and my son. i wouldn't do it to them just to please the ego of a guy i was with. tbf i wouldn't be with a guy who couldn't understand my need for my children to have the same name as each other and me.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

swallowed as a Wicked Step Mum myself, I went out of my way to ensure that issues between my DP and his ex were being resolved before I committed to him - I wouldn't move in with him until he'd secured a legal agreement regarding contact, for instance, because his ex repeatedly withheld the DCs from seeing him.
Forgive me if I was applying my own values to the situation - just as you are by highlighting the impact of different namrs on a DC despite others saying its not a problem for their DCs.

Obviously the OP is having second thoughts about her DP due to his lack of commitment to his existing DCs (although I've reread the thread and can't see where she has said that is the issue?)
On that basis, I fail to see the issue - if the OP leaves her DP off the birth certificate all together, it seems unlikely he'll seek PR so she can change her DCs name as often as she wants to!

[swallowedAfly]

that's great china but if you'd have gotten pregnant without securing those issues despite not planning to would you have just gone and 'got rid of it' because the circumstances weren't tidy enough for you?

[swallowedAfly]

and 'wicked step mum' is your own projection - i hope you weren't imagining attitudes onto me?

[JodiLeighLeigh]

Quite disgusted that there are people here saying you should just go ahead and give the baby your surname.

I'm pregnant and do occasionally have doubts that my relationship can go the distance. But I'm not daft enough to act as though me carrying the baby for 9 months means I get to make these choices without consulting my OH. It takes 2 to make a baby.

That aside, making this decision without him will put the nail in the coffin as you'd just be proving that his side of the situation doesn't matter to you.

If you do (god forbid) break up before the birth, then yes, your baby should have your name. But while you're part of a parenting unit, the unit should decide together rather than one half of it undermining the importance of the other.

You owe it to your relationship to make family plans rather than contingency plans.

[bluebell8782]

No-one is talking about trying to please the ego of the man though swallowed The point to the debate is about the male and female having an equal say in the decision rather than the woman saying 'well I'm mum so I'm going to just do what I want or the man saying the child should have his surname just because he is the father'

You wouldn't be with a man who didn't understand the need you have for a child made by BOTH of you to have your surname - you couldn't POSSIBLY consider that the man might like his child to have his name and come to a compromise.

My SD has my husband's surname. It is different to her mums and different to her brothers. We have had a couple of discussions about whether she would like to change it and the answer is always no. She loves her name, she isn't bothered about it being different to her mums as it is the same as her dads. If she had her mums surname - I'm sure her attitude would be the same. As long as she has one of the surnames it wouldn't matter!

I appreciate some children might find it difficult and some may come across other children that are mean about it but that is certainly in the minority.

[swallowedAfly]

err well the law is 'daft enough' to say you get to make these decisions.

[JodiLeighLeigh]

swallowedafly - and you don't think that law even slightly leans in favour of the mother?

As adults, it's our own responsibility to make sure we have children with people whose opinions we can at least respect as being of equal importance to our own.

I'm not saying the baby should have the mother's name over the father's or vice versa, but while they're a parenting unit, she shouldn't be acting like he's not on the scene just because the law allows her to.

[jellybeans]

DD had my name when we were not married. No questions. As main carer I didn't want a different name to my child.

[swallowedAfly]

i think that law leans in favour of the lesser evil. if two people are not married, re: they do not have a legal binding contract that they have willingly and commitedly entered, and the woman gets pregnant someone has to have the say and given she is the one who has carried that child and in the vast, vast majority of cases will look after that child and take responsibility for it for it's whole life the decision is hers.

she is registering a birth. a birth she went through. the law says she gets to do it if she is a single person.

[swallowedAfly]

who would register a birth except the person who went through it or the man who has committed himself legally and fully to her and that child through marriage?

[swallowedAfly]

realistically a pregnancy is created by sex. a simple act of sexual intercourse. that may be all that was involved on the male part. a pregnancy and birth is a bigger deal - one that a woman chooses to go ahead with, faces the physical, financial, social and psychological implications of and at the end of it, hopefully, gives birth to a child through hours of pain and labour.

you would really tell that woman that a man she had sex with 9 months ago, a man who potentially raped her or a man who potentially beat the hell out of her whilst pregnant and she had to hide from in a shelter or a man she found out was married or a man who has fled the scene has an equal right to decide what to name the child or a right to be present at the registration?

now that is the reality of a different law - that those things would happen. would you actually want that or do you agree that the law as it stands is the pragmatic, safe way for things to be even if not ideal in a world where all was mills and boon?

[swallowedAfly]

and if we're talking about adults having choices about who to have a child with (which ignores a zillion scenarios obviously but let's go with it) then men have the choice to not risk impregnating a woman unless they are married.

but we live in the real world.

[JodiLeighLeigh]

Are you deliberately missing the point?

You think that because the law 'errs on the side of caution' she should deliberately exclude her partner from a decision involving his child?

The law isn't always steeped in good morals.