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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have told dp that I don't want a fast boyfriend?

65 replies

ConfusedPixie · 06/08/2013 13:07

I feel incredibly shallow right now but it got to a point of desperation. Dp is a bit chunky, always has been and will be and I love it. But the past two years the weight has been creeping on, we've both had a rough time of it and it's been forgotten about. He went to America at the beginning of July and piled on the weight whilst away and has continued to do so since he got back. He's also been a bit down and i know running would make him feel better and help keep his weight down as he was an obsessive runner before we moved and loved to run.

After months of him bringing it up and me saying just run then and him putting it off I told him last night, quite honestly, that there is a part of me that just doesn't want a fat boyfriend.

He seems to have listened and went for a run when I left for work and wants to come climbing with me tonight (he had been putting off a course in it for a year though insists he wants to climb) but I now feel really mean to have been so blunt as I usually an but was avoiding it with his weight as I am more concerned about his health, which is suffering from his lack of exercise, not his level of chunkiness!

Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

LalyRawr · 06/08/2013 13:11

No idea if you're being reasonable or not, but if my OH told me he didn't want a fat girlfriend, I would tell him it was no problem.

He would then have no girlfriend at all.

EatingAllTheCrumpets · 06/08/2013 13:11

Very unreasonable. What would you have done/said if the situation was reversed?

You are completely within your rights to be concerned about the health aspect, and had you worded it like that I think it would have been fine. But saying "I don't want a fat boyfriend" was horrible and unjustifiable.

WorraLiberty · 06/08/2013 13:12

Yes

If it's his health you're worried about, rather than his waistline then that's exactly what you should have told him.

So he's been for a run today and now wants to go climbing tonight?

I hope it's what he really wants and not something he now feels he has to do, because otherwise you'll dump him.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/08/2013 13:12

You might want to ask MNHQ to edit your thread title as I thought you were talking about something completely different.

ClassyAsALannister · 06/08/2013 13:14

It's fairly normal to feel that way but in this case I think a bit of sugar coating goes a long way! To be honest I'd have left you if it was worded to me in that way.

You could've approached it in a supportive way & highlighted the health aspect and explained that you do actually value him for the things he has in his favour that aren't looks based.

LalyRawr · 06/08/2013 13:14

Also, if it were health wise you were worried about, would it not be better to have phrased it 'I don't want you to get diabetes/heart problems/have an early death' etc. rather then, 'I don't want a fat boyfriend'.

ClassyAsALannister · 06/08/2013 13:16

I certainly wouldn't want my own partner to feel that he had to get fit or I'd dump him. That's doing it for the wrong reasons and bound to make them feel shit about themselves and like they're only worth how they look.

Elsiequadrille · 06/08/2013 13:18

I thought you meant promiscuous by your title (fast boyfriend)!

Elsiequadrille · 06/08/2013 13:19

I think I'd have talked to him about worries for his health or some such.

BrokenSunglasses · 06/08/2013 13:22

I don't think YABU.

I think if you are in a committed long term relationship you have a responsibility to the other person to do what you can to limit their chances of having to become your carer or your widow.

You could have probably made your point in a more sensitive way, but if you are too sensitive about it then the message won't get across. Sometimes you have to be a bit more blunt to be understood properly.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 06/08/2013 13:23

YABU. As pp said, if my husband told me he didn't want a fat wife, he'd very quickly find himself without any wife at all.

Worrying about someone's health and wanting to support them in THEIR desire to get fit is fine. Making someone feel like shit because you're superficial about the way they look makes you a bit of a nob.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 06/08/2013 13:24

How would you feel if he said he didn't want a fat girlfriend?

Personally , I'd be upset and pissed off if dh said he didn't want a fat wife.

ClassyAsALannister · 06/08/2013 13:25

Yes but to say 'I don't want a fat boyfriend' makes it sound shallow & like it's not about the health reasons, just about looks.

A bit of tact goes a long way with things like this and being so blunt can backfire and get you a.) dumped or b.) lose it's effectiveness as it's seen as an insult rather than something constructive.

He may just be doing the running to prevent being dumped now which is surely a bit shit?

TheGinLushMinion · 06/08/2013 13:25

Well this thread certainly turned out to be a disappointment

OP I'd recommend a nicer way of putting things, poor bloke.

twinklyfingers · 06/08/2013 13:26

Perhaps you could have been more supportive about it? Rather than just saying, "Go running then!" you could have said "Right, lets start running together." Or suggested you do exercise DVDs together or join a gym together. It's far easier to start and stick to a health kick if you're doing it with someone. Also, if my dh says he feels he isn't exercising enough and is eating badly, it always make me consider my own health. Then we can make changes together.

If dh had said he didn't want a fat wife, I would be gutted. Also, I would probably eat more and hide inside wearing baggy clothes. And make his life miserable for being so mean.

Elsiequadrille · 06/08/2013 13:27

Yes you were being unreasonable, by the way.

squoosh · 06/08/2013 13:28

I don't think YAB totally U. You have to be attracted to your partner, if someone puts on a lot of weight in a short amount of time you should be allowed to raise the issue. It's unrealistic to say that you should be attracted to someone no matter what size they are. You should love them yes, but surely it's good to maintain sexual attraction too.

There are ways of saying things though and you should always be mindful of people's feelings. I'm sure he's aware himself that he's put on weight.

HeadfirstForHalos · 06/08/2013 13:32

I'm glad I'm not the only one with a difty mind reading the title!

I do think it was mean, but on the other hand it seems to have worked! I would apologise to him and explain that you didn't mean it in such a shallow way, but were thinking of his health.

quoteunquote · 06/08/2013 13:39

I feel really sad for you,

in the 24 years I have been with my husband, I have been size 8 to a size 22, and back again a few times,

due to difficult pregnancies, illness, medication, cancer,

I am extremely fit, at points such as after a year in bed, it took a while to get that back,

but my amazing adoring husband has always made sure I know how much he loves me and always made sure I know how much he fancies me,

he has changed a lot in the last two decades, I think he is more lovely each year.

I have been having bits of my body lopped off over the last few years, breasts and things, he has been far less bothered than I am, which has been amazing, having the person who adores me, make sure I feel lovely, no matter what.

I'm really sorry you will never have that, or be able to offer it to a relationship,

well unless you alter your attitude you won't.

good luck, but it is yourself you need to have a long hard look at.

ClassyAsALannister · 06/08/2013 13:39

Obviously you need to be attracted to your partner but 'fat' has some pretty hurtful connotations and when you're more concerned about health than looks then there are far better ways of going about it.

A proper talk about it and how you 'actually' meant it probably wouldn;t go amiss op

SybilRamkin · 06/08/2013 13:52

Those posters going on about OP being superficial for caring about the way her partner looks - get a grip! How can you have sex with someone if you don't find them physically attractive? Some people don't have an issue with flab, in themselves or partners, and that's great for them, but others do! I personally wouldn't like to go to bed with someone who was morbidly obese, for example, although I know plenty of people feel differently.

If OP doesn't find her DP physically attractive, either he can do something to change that, she can try to change her inbuilt preferences, or they can resign themselves to a lifetime of lukewarm sex.

LalyRawr · 06/08/2013 13:55

Sybil or he can leave her to find someone less shallow and who places more importance on the type of person they are, not their clothing size.

You forgot that option.

TroublesomeEx · 06/08/2013 13:57

If I was less attractive to my partner because I'd piled on the weight, I'd expect to be told. To be honest, I'd probably have realised myself already though.

I'd much rather someone told me than pretended it didn't bother them when it did.

I agree with sybil.

CoffeeandScones · 06/08/2013 13:58

Making him run will only increase his speed. Tell him to get some rest and maybe a few cakes, that should slow him down.

squoosh · 06/08/2013 13:59

A person's physical self is part of who they are. I just don't believe all these people who say it wouldn't matter to them if their partner put on a few stone in a short amount of time.

I want someone I love and someone I'm attracted to.

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