Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told dp that I don't want a fast boyfriend?

65 replies

ConfusedPixie · 06/08/2013 13:07

I feel incredibly shallow right now but it got to a point of desperation. Dp is a bit chunky, always has been and will be and I love it. But the past two years the weight has been creeping on, we've both had a rough time of it and it's been forgotten about. He went to America at the beginning of July and piled on the weight whilst away and has continued to do so since he got back. He's also been a bit down and i know running would make him feel better and help keep his weight down as he was an obsessive runner before we moved and loved to run.

After months of him bringing it up and me saying just run then and him putting it off I told him last night, quite honestly, that there is a part of me that just doesn't want a fat boyfriend.

He seems to have listened and went for a run when I left for work and wants to come climbing with me tonight (he had been putting off a course in it for a year though insists he wants to climb) but I now feel really mean to have been so blunt as I usually an but was avoiding it with his weight as I am more concerned about his health, which is suffering from his lack of exercise, not his level of chunkiness!

Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedPixie · 06/08/2013 16:04

Bran: Thanks, I'm pretty certain he realises the phwoar aspect of our relationship is alive after yesterday morning! I wish I could take back what I said. I'll buy him some bacon and make the leek and potato soup he's been after since coming home and throw some bacon in it. Hopefully that'll soften it a bit.

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 06/08/2013 16:10

You're going to make amends for saying "I don't want a fat boyfriend" by making soup and putting bacon in it?

Yes, that sounds like a plan to help him lose weight and stay healthy. Have to say I think you need to do a bit more thinking on this one.

Original poster
ConfusedPixie · 06/08/2013 16:15

We eat a vegetarian diet most of the time, he likes bacon in his leek and potato soup, he loves leek and potato soup and it's on the menu plan for later in the week. I'm not trying to make amends as such but trying to do something a bit nicer that he likes for dinner. As I said, we don't really believe in dieting and there is nothing wrong with a bit of fat in your diet on occasion.

OP posts:
CoffeeOne · 06/08/2013 16:17

YABU. I wouldn't be able to trust my DH again if he said something so personal and hurtful to me. He must have felt terrible hearing that.

If you want to take it back you need to actually take it back. You need to tell him you didn't mean it and you shouldn't have said it and you love him for who he is.

Original poster
ConfusedPixie · 06/08/2013 16:21

I've already told him that coffee, as I said before, bringing it up again now is going to look like backtracking. Jesus, I'm not actually expecting soup to make it up to him, I was just trying to be nice. What I am going to do is spend some proper time with him tonight minus the phones and computer screens as it's long overdue, especially after last night.

OP posts:
CoffeeOne · 06/08/2013 16:26

I was typing during the soup convo, I have no issues with the soup, the soup is a good idea. Soup.

I just think it might be good for your relationship and his peace of mind if you tell him that you love him no matter what. Sometimes the words are needed on top of actions.

ClassyAsALannister · 06/08/2013 16:38

Ok, so it sounds like you meant it for health reasons but just worded it really reallllllllllllly badly?

Just try and talk to him about it tonight and obviously don't backtrack but explain the reasoning behind it.

No one's perfect and it sounds like you know you ballsed up here and meant it in his interests and in the interests of your relationship.

ClassyAsALannister · 06/08/2013 16:39

^ basically what Coffee' said Smile

Original poster
ConfusedPixie · 06/08/2013 16:50

Soup is amazing. Apart from leek and potato soup, of which I have had too much thanks to both DPs and our old landlord's obsession with it (which is where he got the idea of bacon in it from) Hmm

So I should bring it up again to explain where I was coming from? I would like to as I know exactly how it sounded and know that I hurt his feelings. I even said that I knew I'd hurt his feelings, should have explained it then. We've had the opposite scenario before when we were just friends, where he made it clear that he didn't like me being so skinny unhealthily but this feels a lot different somehow (I lost a lot of weight through not eating healthily and being very active, didn't realise but he did as he'd last seen me when I was at the higher end of my healthy range)

OP posts:
PeriodFeatures · 06/08/2013 17:08

You sound really nice pixie. Don't worry about it.

Yes, it probably did hurt his feelings a little bit but I think you were right to bring it up.

If my DH was worried about my lifestyle, i'd hope he' say something, even if he needed to be a bit brutal (he has!)

Caring about someone isn't always about being nice.

Obesity is something that can be controlled. If it's not then it can lead to all sorts of health issues and be really debilitating. I hope you can let it go. Perhaps he needed a bit of a wake up call?

Be nice to yourself seriously!!

Original poster
ConfusedPixie · 06/08/2013 17:44

Thank you PeriodFeatures. I feel better about it now and will talk to him after I've picked him up from work later.

He isn't obese atm, but he's getting there, BMI is upper overweight going by some calculations taken in the last couple of weeks, when he looks and feels his best (in his own opinion, I tend to agree with him though!) he's usually just in the overweight category. Not that either of us even use the BMI charts usually, but I can't ignore him being that high into the overweight category.

Our Mums aren't even classed as obese, which I think makes it scarier to me that they have weight related problems, and we both have history of weight related illnesses in our families and other illnesses, and I'm ill, so the last thing I want is for his health to suffer.

OP posts:
PeriodFeatures · 06/08/2013 21:30

Good luck Pixie. My DH (long before we met) used to be huge. He got an old pair of his trousers out once and we could both fit in them together! He said that the wake up call for him (and the best thing that couldve happened) was two women saying something like OMG - look at the state of him!

He is in good shape now. I like him a bit cuddly too but he doesn't and hits a point of cuddliness and starts the diet and exercise. He sees a lot of people in his work with weight related conditions too and that i think scares him.

Hope all goes well for your DP.

formicadinosaur · 06/08/2013 21:50

I think you would do better to consent rate on him keeping fit and being healthy rather then the fat issue.

Original poster
ConfusedPixie · 06/08/2013 23:08

We've spoken about it, he said that he'd thought that was what I meant anyway and was just being socially awkward as I usually am. We'd spoken earlier in the day about his health and he took it as an extension of that and a kick up the bum to start getting fit again and we're going to cook a load of batch meals and bake a load of treats this weekend for the freezer as we're both so busy at and good work had a habit of suppling goodies en mass which he is indulging in a tad too much. So a win win in the end, thank goodness!

OP posts:
Lazyjaney · 07/08/2013 08:11

You should put this in relationships OP, you will get a more sympathetic hearing there --from the "leave the bastard" crew that infest that board-

There is a very similar thread running there and of course there the usual pundits feel the fat bloke is at fault :)

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread