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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset?

61 replies

IHeartKingThistle · 05/08/2013 18:32

Was at an outdoor concert yesterday with family and dcs. Both my sisters smoke, I think they're stupid especially as one of them has a child also, but I get that they're adults and can do what they want. I don't give them a hard time about it.

At the start of the day i said something about not letting my dc see them smoking and they said of course. A couple of hours later they're dd says 'look mummy, aunty x is doing smoking'. She was in a chair and they were lighting up right in front of her. I called over to let them know and they just shrugged Sad.

I'm gutted. Dd is 6 and I haven't even talked to her properly about smoking yet. We are a very close, loving family and dd adores my sisters - I just feel like I can't give her a clear message now without it being confused by the fact that she's seen someone she loves doing it. Today they've both been acting like nothing's happened even though they know I'm upset. They think it was no big deal because lots if people were smoking; they don't get that I didn't want her to see THEM smoking. They knew how I felt about it and did it anyway.

I used to smoke and I know there's no-one as sanctimonious as an ex smoker, but I stopped before I got pregnant with dd and would never do it around dc. I know she would realise at some point but I was kind of hoping they'd stop before she found out.

Sorry for the essay, didn't want to drip feed. I don't know where to go from here. Do I just need to get over myself?

OP posts:
Original poster
IHeartKingThistle · 05/08/2013 18:34

Sorry 'they're dd' should be 'my dd' Blush

OP posts:
LegoAcupuncture · 05/08/2013 18:37

I think YABU, sorry. She is 6, she will have seen a lot of people smoking, and may have even seen her aunts smoking without you being aware.

Exactly what do you need to talk to her about? Why they smoke?

JerseySpud · 05/08/2013 18:38

You need to get over yourself. They are grown adults. Has your DD seriously not seen it in the street? My dd is 6 and she learnt about smoking being bad in pre school.

catgirl1976 · 05/08/2013 18:39

I smoke (although today is day 1 of giving up again - I stopped for almost 2 years whilst pg and bf but stupidly started again on a holiday)

I have never smoked in front of DS or any other child

I just wouldn't do it so I think YANBU

DrDance · 05/08/2013 18:40

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. As an ex smoker you know how hard it is, but if you really want to insist your dd never see's them smoking, I think the only way you'll be able to make that possible is stop solicising with them in places you can smoke.

Original poster
IHeartKingThistle · 05/08/2013 18:41

I don't care about strangers in the street, I care about people she loves and looks up to Sad.

OP posts:
phantomhairpuller · 05/08/2013 18:41

Wow Confused

Trills · 05/08/2013 18:42

YABU to expect them to not let your children SEE them smoking, yes.

Trills · 05/08/2013 18:43

They were wrong to agree to your (unreasonable) demands and then not do as they said they would, but I can understand that they would find it hard to tell you that you were being ridiculous.

WhoNickedMyName · 05/08/2013 18:43

YABU.

You can still give your dd a clear message about the dangers of smoking without painting anyone as bad guys because they smoke.

Crinkle77 · 05/08/2013 18:43

I can understand that you are upset as I have 2 nieces and would not smoke in front of them although they know that me and their other aunty smoke. I would like to think that that i am a role model for my nieces and would not like them thinking badly of me. On the other hand your sisters are adults and as long as they are not puffing smoke all over her then there is nothing you can do about it. You won't be able to protect her from seeing other people smoke

aldiwhore · 05/08/2013 18:43

I HATED it when my children first noticed me smoking (whilst camping, I was discreet but they aren't stupid)...

I made more of an issue of it than was needed.

My non-smoking Mum simply said "Smoking is bad for you, but when you're an adult you are allowed to do things that you're not allowed to do as a child... " My children completely accepted that.

Now they're older, we've had many talks about smoking. About how bad it is for a person, and how addictive.

YANBU to wish to protect your children for all kinds of things, YABU to expect that your sisters don't smoke at all, they do... use it as an avenue for discussion if you think that is necessary.

Well done for quitting, and YANBU to wish to protect your dd from any issue that is so complex (life isn't black and white and I myself tried to keep it simple for a long time) but YABU.

I do have to say that I've been to a lot of outside concerts, and I always step away from the 'throng' to smoke as it's not pleasant for other people... but again, you cannot enforce politeness.

SoldAtAuction · 05/08/2013 18:43

I can understand you being disappointed in your sisters, but you need to unclench.
Your DD will not be scared for life, her innocence is intact, and you are already showing her the best example by having quit yourself.
I think your sisters don't understand you wanting them to sneak around, so they don't take it seriously.

Bowlersarm · 05/08/2013 18:46

YABU sorry.

It's not for you to silence your sisters and 'pretend' to your dd that they are something they are not.

Now it is a great opportunity to consistently talk to your dd as to why smoking is not a great thing to do.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 05/08/2013 18:47

I think YABU. My DC have seen their Aunt and Uncle smoke since they were tiny (though I do move them away to avoid passive smoking). I simply explained to DD that smoking is bad for your health.
DD has a good understanding about the dangers and says she will never smoke.
Growing up I had a few close family members who smoked and I have never even tried a cigarette. Just because you see someone you love smoking doesn't mean you will be a smoker.

MissStrawberry · 05/08/2013 18:47

Why do people not read the OP? She doesn't want her daughter to see her aunties whom she loves smoking. Of course she knows her child will see strangers smoking.

OP, you are right to hate smoking and not want your sisters to set your dd a bad example. Now you need to decide what you want to do about it.

wigglesrock · 05/08/2013 18:51

You really can't dictate what other people do especially in a public place. My nana, aunt, uncles, sister all smoke. My children have seen them all smoke at one time or another. They know smoking is bad for your health - covered that in nursery, but they don't think it's cool to smoke - they just think it's one of those things that some grownups do that they don't understand.

My kids are 8, 6 and 2 and we're all together with our extended family once a week for dinner.

aldiwhore · 05/08/2013 18:51

If it helps, my favourite adult as a child was my heavy smoking, heavy drinking Godfather. I followed him in many ways, but not the smoking or drinking (I started with those purely because my mum told me not to!).

You can still be a good role model even if you do bad things. In fact, I'd say MY best role models were all flawed... yet the judgey Mary Poppins type people I grew up with made me want to rebel.

Viviennemary · 05/08/2013 18:53

YABU as your sister is an adult and should be able to make her own choices. But I see why you are unhappy if your DD looks up to your sister and is very fond of her. I hate smoking more even than most people. But you can't control people even if you'd like to if they are not in your house.

Original poster
IHeartKingThistle · 05/08/2013 18:55

Thanks for the replies, I'm taking it all on board.

I think a big part of it is that it seems out of character for them not to care. If they'd argued in the earlier conversation I might have expected it, but they really didn't. In fact one of them said 'I know, that's why I've been staying over here, I'm not stupid'. I just thought we were on the same page.

OP posts:
Original poster
IHeartKingThistle · 05/08/2013 18:58

Aldiwhore I wish life WAS simple. But I'd hate anyone to think I was a 'judgy Mary poppins type' !

OP posts:
Scruffey · 05/08/2013 18:58

Yes my 5 yo and 7yo know smoking is bad for you but also that grown ups make their own choices.

Bowlersarm · 05/08/2013 18:59

MissStrawberry that was very rude of you. I did read the the OP. And i had an opinion on it. It just doesn't agree with yours.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 05/08/2013 18:59

You've asked where should I go from here?

Do you want to stop seeing your sisters and therefore stop your dd seeing them?

The message you send to your dd is still the same regarding the smoking, that won't change and neither will your sisters freedom to smoke in public when they want.

I think you need to relax about this.

expatinscotland · 05/08/2013 18:59

YABU