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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset?

61 replies

IHeartKingThistle · 05/08/2013 18:32

Was at an outdoor concert yesterday with family and dcs. Both my sisters smoke, I think they're stupid especially as one of them has a child also, but I get that they're adults and can do what they want. I don't give them a hard time about it.

At the start of the day i said something about not letting my dc see them smoking and they said of course. A couple of hours later they're dd says 'look mummy, aunty x is doing smoking'. She was in a chair and they were lighting up right in front of her. I called over to let them know and they just shrugged .

I'm gutted. Dd is 6 and I haven't even talked to her properly about smoking yet. We are a very close, loving family and dd adores my sisters - I just feel like I can't give her a clear message now without it being confused by the fact that she's seen someone she loves doing it. Today they've both been acting like nothing's happened even though they know I'm upset. They think it was no big deal because lots if people were smoking; they don't get that I didn't want her to see THEM smoking. They knew how I felt about it and did it anyway.

I used to smoke and I know there's no-one as sanctimonious as an ex smoker, but I stopped before I got pregnant with dd and would never do it around dc. I know she would realise at some point but I was kind of hoping they'd stop before she found out.

Sorry for the essay, didn't want to drip feed. I don't know where to go from here. Do I just need to get over myself?

OP posts:

Hummuschocolate · 05/08/2013 19:01

YANBU to be upset but its happened now and I think the only thing you can do about it is to have a discussion with your DD about adults being allowed to make unwise decisions and about how addictive smoking is etc.

qazxc · 05/08/2013 19:10

I understand that you don't want your DD to see an adult she looks up to smoking before you've had the chat but it would have happened sooner or later. When at my grandparents i used to hide down the garden so that DN would not see me smoking but he would always find me. Maybe it's a good opportunity to start talking to her about smoking and drinking.
I can understand being miffed at your sisters ignoring you, even if they think YABU. I'm sure you wouldn't do something that they didn't want you to do even if you were a bit about it.
But i think that as you are all a close family and the deed has been done, you should probably put it to the back of your mind and move forward.

MissStrawberry · 05/08/2013 19:12

Bowlersarm, just as my opinion is I wasn't rude.

youmeatsix · 05/08/2013 19:15

where you go from here is, you use it to your advantage, at 6, your daughter isnt silly. Hearing about smoking and the dangers/how bad it is will have more impact coming from a smoker than you who doesnt smoke, she may not fully appreciate it just now but in time she will

whois · 05/08/2013 19:17

I hate smoking, it's a dirty and disgusting habit. Not to mention being exceedingly bad for you.

But YABU OP! If you don't want your DD to see them smoke then the onus is on you to not see them in 'smoky' situations.

Original poster

IHeartKingThistle · 05/08/2013 19:25

Qazxc, thanks, that's really helpful.

Youme I hope you're right . I know there are lots of people on here saying their children hate smoking but the last statistic I saw said that you're 3.5 times more likely to start smoking if you grow up with a smoker. I know I can't protect her from everything.

OP posts:

chesterberry · 05/08/2013 19:29

Sorry, but unless they were smoking on your property YABU. Whilst smoking might not be a great habit they are adults and if they want to smoke at a public concert they are within their rights to do so. I can understand why you would not want your DD to see somebody she loves smoking and maybe they could have warned you that they were about to light up so that you could have taken your daughter away from the situation but if they really didn't get that the issue was that you didn't want her to see them smoking then that's not their fault. Maybe you should have been more clear when you asked them not to smoke in front of your DD so they knew your reasoning, if they assumed your worry was second-hand smoke maybe they just assumed that as others were smoking anyway there was no reason for them not to.

belatedmaybe · 05/08/2013 19:34

I think you need to sit your sisters down and explain that you intend to make it clear to your dd that smoking is a dirty horrible habit that will cause a slow painful death and you are worried that she will be upset knowing that her loved aunts are killing themselves in such a senseless way. At least then they could understand why you find this such a big deal even if they don't agree with you.

At least that is the impression you are giving. If you intend to have a balanced but honest, calm chat about it with your dd where you highlight the health/cost/smell implications along with a cliff notes on addiction and how tough people find quirting even when they know better then I am not sure what the big deal is.

belatedmaybe · 05/08/2013 19:35

Mia4 · 05/08/2013 19:42

belatedmaybe Don't you think that sounds a little passive aggressive and condescending? I'd think so if i were the OPs sister's and i hate smoking! It would sound more like she's trying to push them off smoking.

OP I'd have that talk now. Say what you want to your DD and be honest with her questions, if she chooses to express worry to your sisters then that's for them to counteract.

I think YWNBU to be upset thinking they had agreed one thing and gone against but it could be misunderstandings in words or they could have been being passive aggressive themselves and actually not wanting to agree to what you wanted. YWBU to ask that of them though, In your property yes, everywhere else - no. Harsh as it may be, better for your DD to know rather now and you explain then her to have accidentally seen or heard from a cousin and been confused.

20wkbaby · 05/08/2013 19:55

My Mum made a huge deal of the fact that I smoked to my much younger brother when I had been trying to keep it a secret (I never smoked in front of him or my parents). I think she was simultaneously trying to make me stop and make him never want to try it - she failed on both counts.

It still makes me angry when she says, 'DB was soooo upset when he found out you smoked' - you mean when you told him...

I think it is lazy of your sisters not to at least attempt to hide what they are doing. They have to know they are not setting a good example to normalise smoking and not even to move away from her they are damaging her health as well.

Even as a 15 year old I realised the effect doing something like that has on an impressionable younger person. I also realised my parents would find it upsetting to see me smoking. They are being totally selfish.

Original poster

IHeartKingThistle · 05/08/2013 20:14

Thanks 20wkbaby. That's just it, the normalising effect.

They could just have turned to face the other way. They could have walked 3 steps to stand at the back of the group. They could have told me, and I would have turned her chair around. Freedom and the right to smoke in public aside (and yes, maybe the onus should be on me, but I didn't spot them), those things would have been common decency and taken about 2 seconds.

I do think I'd better move on - I'm clearly not getting an apology. Yes we are a close and loving family but we do tend to brush things under the carpet, which drives me mad. If I bring it up again it'll be me trying to cause bad feeling or 'banging on about that again'. I'd rather get it all said but I don't want to make it worse as I'm clearly the only one who's bothered .

OP posts:

Original poster

IHeartKingThistle · 05/08/2013 21:56

I did talk to DD about how addictive it is. I explained that I wished they didn't do it. I explained it was bad for you. I think she got it. Then she showed me her wobbly tooth. I don't think she's thinking it through in quite the detail I am .

I'm still cross though!

OP posts:

ChippingInHopHopHop · 05/08/2013 22:05

Oh FGS - stop with the dramatics.

Yes, the statistics say it is more likely someone will smoke if they grow up with a smoker, that means someone living in the house - not just someone they are related to. 3.5x more likely isn't that huge an amount either.

When I was growing up my Dad, my Nana & Grandad, most of my Aunties & Uncles and my parents friends smoked - I hated it, I adored my Nana (and I was very close & spent a lot of time with her and my extended family) and I have never smoked, if anything it just made me more determined not to be a 'smelly smoker'.

Your DD's relationship (& yours) with your sisters is worth far more than whether they smoke or not. It isn't them that owes you an apology - you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

It makes no difference if your DD sees them smoking or not. Just tell her it's a disgusting habit that makes you very sick (then hope she guilts them into stopping!!).

Original poster

IHeartKingThistle · 05/08/2013 22:10

I'm not making a mountain out of anything! They know I'm upset but I haven't said any of this to them - I'm venting and worrying on here.

OP posts:

ChippingInHopHopHop · 05/08/2013 22:12

You are making a mountain out of a molehill in your own head.

It is smoking not lines of coke.

Yes it's revolting and disgusting, but fgs your DD is not going to go to the local shop and buy a packet because she has seen your sisters smoking.

plim · 05/08/2013 22:13

Yanbu to not want your dd aunties to smoke in front of her. I completely understand where you're coming from as I think it's different than strangers smoking - they're role models, I'm with you op.

expatinscotland · 05/08/2013 22:18

Very much a mountain out of a moehill here.

fanoftheinvisibleman · 05/08/2013 22:24

YABU. I can understand why you wish they hadn't but it isn't really up to you to self appoint all those around as role models for your child expecting them to lead by example with life style choices you have chosen.

It is your responsibility to educate your dd to make the right choices herself. I don't smoke and made the decision myself that I wouldn't ever drink alcohol around my child. But that is my choice and not something I could or would impose on others.

SoleSource · 05/08/2013 22:35

Oh dear.

NicknameIncomplete · 05/08/2013 22:36

I think u need to get a grip. My whole family from my parents to all of my siblings have smoked at some point in their lives. I dont & never have. My dd (9) sees everyone smoking all the time. She knows that smoking is bad for you & she also knows that once u start it can be very hard to stop. I dont think u can stop ur children seeing people smoking whether they are ur family or strangers.

NicknameIncomplete · 05/08/2013 22:36

Original poster

IHeartKingThistle · 05/08/2013 22:38

Helpful SoleSource

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 05/08/2013 23:49

I know there are lots of people on here saying their children hate smoking but the last statistic I saw said that you're 3.5 times more likely to start smoking if you grow up with a smoker. I know I can't protect her from everything.
My mother smoked. So did my father, my sister, my BiL, most of my relatives and my mother's two best friends and their husbands who I adored.

I loathed it then. I loathe it now and I have never been tempted.

Lies, damn lies and...

Stop worrying. Keep explaining why it's bad. She won't copy just because her aunts do it.

farewellfigure · 06/08/2013 18:09

I feel for you. My DSis smoked in front of DS last year and his face was a picture. He could not believe his eyes. Luckily he didn't ask me about it, just said 'Aunty DSis is SMOKING'. I was a bit disappointed that she didn't hide it better really. I'm an ex smoker so I don't have a leg to stand on.

Anyway, if I were you I'd let it go. Don't make a big deal out of it. Your children will see a lot more of it as they're growing up and will make up their own minds.

I had a fit when someone told me that children who are nursed/cuddled by mothers who smoke are more likely to smoke themselves as they associate the smell with happiness. I went back to smoking for year when DS was 3 months (due to a family bereavement and much stress) and I regret it horribly. I just hope it isn't true.

Having said that my DM smoked when all of us (3 siblings) were children and we all smoked as adults. We've all since given up.

I feel for you but do think it's just best to forget it for now.

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