WIBU to think that my friend was ungrateful?

[ALittlePeeved]

Try and make it short as I can.

A couple of months ago a friend and I were saying about a certain type of party we had always wanted to go to and as her birthday was last month I suggested we do it for that and she was up for the idea.

As I have a big project on at work the idea was I would host as I have the space but she would organise, however I did want a bit more control over the food that people would bring, the idea being that if everyone brought something, it would save me having to do all the cooking. Everyone was ok with this idea.

Before the event she was texting and asking what food people should bring. I was swamped with my project and hadn't had time to think about it so I said this to her, she asked more than once and I told her the same. We finally got it sorted just before but there was a bit of a problem with a dessert as the person who was bringing my friends favourite decided she was doing enough so said she wasn't bringing this, so another friend offered to bring it instead, my friend specifically really likes this dessert.

On the day I was getting texts from my friend asking me what time we would be eating. Everyone was arriving for 8 with the food and it is the type of party where you arrive on time. I said whenever as I didn't want to be rushing with the food I was doing as I was already running behind that day, it was a weekend but I had been busy all day. I usually eat between 8 and 9 in the evening anyway. My friend was not happy with this and was trying to pin me down to a time. She asked if it would be just after 8 but I laughed and said I doubt it. However I was getting pissed off by this time as I wanted to be able to relax and enjoy it but it was becoming a pita by then. She did tell me that she wasn't feeling well that day, she does have a long term health problem and often gets ill.

When she arrived I admit I was really hacked off and I didn't speak to her for quite a while. After I got her on her own and had a word that I was upset because I was doing this for her birthday and felt like she didn't appreciate it, I was in tears. She looked really uncomfortable and apologised. She said the reason for asking about what food people were bringing is because people kept asking her because she organised it but she couldn't tell them anything because she was waiting for me. She also said that if it had been another event she would have cancelled because she was feeling ill but she knew she couldn't cancel this one.

We started eating at about 9ish but as we were with a large group it wasn't rushed and we were just taking our time and enjoying the evening. When we had finished the first 2 courses I suggested we all go and sit in the other room. My friend stood up and said she was sorry but she really felt ill and had to go, it was about midnight by this time, so not too late and I was actually pretty annoyed because my friend had specifically made the dessert that she wanted so I said that she couldn't go yet as X had made her favourite so she had to have some, all in a friendly way, not confrontational or anything although we were at opposite ends of the table so everyone did hear. She sat down and ate it then when it was finished, she did leave. I did go over to her and say I hope she didn't mind me saying that (about the dessert) but I had really felt she should have it after it was brought for her. I also said I hoped we were ok from the texts and me saying something to her earlier and she said she was, although I wasn't so sure.

Its been about a month and I am sure she is slightly off with me so I am wondering if I have done something wrong here but I didn't think that I did. I wasn't mean to her at all, it was all in a nice way but I did feel that there were things that warranted saying.

WIBU?

It sounds like a difficult way of organising a party and possibly that your friend resented the whole thing.
She was hosting but not providing food or organising ? but then seems to resent the arrangement?
It all sounds like a nightmare - 9pm to eat is very late ,I would normally invite for 7.30 and to eat 8pm at the latest if 3 courses and cake or "special dessert".
Cringing at making you stay when you felt unwell.
She sounds very self centred and that the whole thing was about her and not you . I cant imagine going to my own birthday party and being ignored by the hostess.
Think carefully about how you will handle the confrontation - I would pre-empt it by writing her a calm email thanking her for allowing it at her house , you found her behaviour upsetting but you acknowledge that the split between hosting and having it at her house was probably not the best idea when she was under so much pressure at work.
Keep it simple and clear - she sounds like she thrives on this type of thing. Don't get drawn into drama .
Its worrying that you are on eggshells waiting for a confrontation, not normal behaviour with friends.

These reverse threads invariably get on my nerves. They are so dishonest - and arrogant. What makes you assume that your 'version' of your friends account is necessarily accurate? You have no doubt left out any number of details which she may well have considered extremely relevant. On the face of it, she behaved badly, but what we have here is far from the full story.

Ok, no to the assertiveness classes then. I do not want to turn into a knob. I am not perfect by any means but I do like to think that I am a fairly decent person who is very considerate of others so I wouldn't want that to change at all. I care about people who matter in my life, less so about those that I couldn't give a shit about.

chipping its interesting as I am not the only person who has an issue with her. There are others who aren't too keen tbh and haven't been long before I started noticing things. They just never said because we were good friends.

balaboosta It was strong, but actually in some ways I am capable of speaking out, if its something that I don't feel like doing, I can easily say so but personal confrontation is completely different and there are times when I do feel like a bit of a doormat so you aren't completely wrong there.

Arisbottle wet weekend? Thanks for that. Not sure that was necessary.

Hoover wow some scarily accurate stuff there! " but to me it sounds like your friend enjoys playing the martyr" and " one of those who thinks you can say anything with a smile on your face." Exactly the sort of thing that I have been thinking myself. She does like to think of herself as some sort of social butterfly who has so many people around her that she simply doesn't have time for them all, which is how she likes it. I have less time and patience for it these days actually. I'm convinced that because she is doing it in a nice way with a smile on her face, she feels that its all perfectly reasonable but the words speak more than the way she puts it across to me.

libertine that's great "when she 'confronts' you about what ever it is. just take a deep breath and say..... ' I know you've had something to say for a while, but to be honest I don't think there's much point, my birthday was a nightmare because of your ridiculous behaviour, let's just leave it there'

I think that gets my point across perfectly (about wanting to keep my distance) without having to have any sort of 'showdown' about it. Thanks and I will be using it.

lottie I can't ever see an apology coming my way about this. There is something else I feel she owes me an apology for but I know I won't get it because she will feel that she is justified because she is busy (as is always her reasons for everything), which is another reason for me wanting to distance myself. I don't see why I should be able to say sorry to her when she doesn't. I did apologise profusely to her when she was in tears but she has never done the same to me when she has been proven wrong about something. I won't hold my breath for it. I can even hear her answer, getting defensive and telling me that I am overreacting and being ridiculous.

shitsinger "Its worrying that you are on eggshells waiting for a confrontation, not normal behaviour with friends" This is part of the reason that I want to distance myself. I know its not normal to feel like this about a friend and I wouldn't about any of my others so that's why I know its time to move on.

Thanks for all of your replies. I do value help and advice, mainly because I can be a bit crap sometime.

current no doubt you won't believe me but I can assure you how I have told it is exactly how it was. I contacted asking about the food because others kept asking me. I kept getting fobbed off so had nothing to tell them until she finally told me. I felt like shit on the day so was trying to establish a time, it wasn't given. I wanted to leave at midnight and the wording and how it happened is exactly how I have told it.

If it was the other way around, the only thing she could tell you is that she was swamped at work so didn't have time to think about the food, been busy that day whilst receiving texts from me trying to establish a time, got hacked off and ranted to her husband then ignored me because she didn't feel she was able to talk to me, then when she did she had to get it off her chest, didn't want to rush in the evening and felt pissed off because I wanted to leave at midnight before I had eaten my dessert that someone had brought for me. That would be her view as its exactly what happened.

Everything is subjective - you can't possibly claim to know exactly how she felt or what her version may have been. To insist that you do kbow is arrogant. Furthermore, by presenting the situation as a reverse you have pretended to empathise with her subjective position, while actually robbing her of her very subjectivity - because the thoughts and intentions you attributed to her are entirely your own. By presenting the situation as a reverse, you sought to validate yourself by creating a situation in which you could say "even when people were told HER side of the story, they still agreed with me, so I must be right."
But of course, it wasn't her side of the story, only your version of it. Ultimately, your version is all you have - this much would have been the same had the question been framed honestly, rather than as a reverse.
I have no idea whether your friend is unkind or you are manipulative, but rather suspect both to be true.

current you have put that so well, I agree completely.
op I personally find that because you presented the"facts" from the other person's point of view I am now unable to look at the situation subjectively. You choose to give what you thought were your friends reasons for not been hands on when you really don't know. You may think you know everything about your friend and would be aware if there was anything else influencing her behaviour, but you really don't you're second guessing.
As I said before I am not familiar with reversed aibus but to me this whole thread does make you come across as very U.