Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU to think that my friend was ungrateful?

81 replies

ALittlePeeved · 04/08/2013 20:44

Try and make it short as I can.

A couple of months ago a friend and I were saying about a certain type of party we had always wanted to go to and as her birthday was last month I suggested we do it for that and she was up for the idea.

As I have a big project on at work the idea was I would host as I have the space but she would organise, however I did want a bit more control over the food that people would bring, the idea being that if everyone brought something, it would save me having to do all the cooking. Everyone was ok with this idea.

Before the event she was texting and asking what food people should bring. I was swamped with my project and hadn't had time to think about it so I said this to her, she asked more than once and I told her the same. We finally got it sorted just before but there was a bit of a problem with a dessert as the person who was bringing my friends favourite decided she was doing enough so said she wasn't bringing this, so another friend offered to bring it instead, my friend specifically really likes this dessert.

On the day I was getting texts from my friend asking me what time we would be eating. Everyone was arriving for 8 with the food and it is the type of party where you arrive on time. I said whenever as I didn't want to be rushing with the food I was doing as I was already running behind that day, it was a weekend but I had been busy all day. I usually eat between 8 and 9 in the evening anyway. My friend was not happy with this and was trying to pin me down to a time. She asked if it would be just after 8 but I laughed and said I doubt it. However I was getting pissed off by this time as I wanted to be able to relax and enjoy it but it was becoming a pita by then. She did tell me that she wasn't feeling well that day, she does have a long term health problem and often gets ill.

When she arrived I admit I was really hacked off and I didn't speak to her for quite a while. After I got her on her own and had a word that I was upset because I was doing this for her birthday and felt like she didn't appreciate it, I was in tears. She looked really uncomfortable and apologised. She said the reason for asking about what food people were bringing is because people kept asking her because she organised it but she couldn't tell them anything because she was waiting for me. She also said that if it had been another event she would have cancelled because she was feeling ill but she knew she couldn't cancel this one.

We started eating at about 9ish but as we were with a large group it wasn't rushed and we were just taking our time and enjoying the evening. When we had finished the first 2 courses I suggested we all go and sit in the other room. My friend stood up and said she was sorry but she really felt ill and had to go, it was about midnight by this time, so not too late and I was actually pretty annoyed because my friend had specifically made the dessert that she wanted so I said that she couldn't go yet as X had made her favourite so she had to have some, all in a friendly way, not confrontational or anything although we were at opposite ends of the table so everyone did hear. She sat down and ate it then when it was finished, she did leave. I did go over to her and say I hope she didn't mind me saying that (about the dessert) but I had really felt she should have it after it was brought for her. I also said I hoped we were ok from the texts and me saying something to her earlier and she said she was, although I wasn't so sure.

Its been about a month and I am sure she is slightly off with me so I am wondering if I have done something wrong here but I didn't think that I did. I wasn't mean to her at all, it was all in a nice way but I did feel that there were things that warranted saying.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Primadonnagirl · 04/08/2013 21:01

Grow up love

LittleRedDinosaur · 04/08/2013 21:03

Reverse! Surely?!
You took control of her evening but wouldn't tell anyone what to bring. Made her feel bad that you had organised it as soon as she arrived (you cried!?!) and wouldn't let her go home at midnight even though she was ill. Nice friend.

NotYoMomma · 04/08/2013 21:03

yabu and controlling

you suggested what she do for her birthday
wanted control of the food
then wouldnt give her an answer
then wouldnt give her a time
then didnt speak to her for ages (no idea why you were pissed off btw)
then wouldnt let her leave ill and told her so in front of people

I'm so confused

NatashaBee · 04/08/2013 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StanleyLambchop · 04/08/2013 21:07

I wouldn't appreciate being told I could not leave a party at midnight because I had not had the pudding yet! That is v. bossy! Especially as your friend told you earlier that she was ill. YABU.

xkittyx · 04/08/2013 21:07

You sound like a bully

ALittlePeeved · 04/08/2013 21:08

"but I can't get why someone would post a reversed one"

Ok I confess. It is a reverse but she was so upset and when she pulled me up on the things she was pissed off about I wondered if I was completely over reacting.

Others friends and I were getting pissed off about the lack of direction with food so we decided to take the initative at one point and tell host what people were bring, being fed up with waiting for an answer. We were told categorically no, she didn't want that.

She completely blanked me in her house for a good 20 minutes I think. I felt very awkward and very uncomfortable. Then she had to "get it off her chest else it would eat away at her and ruin her night" so I just felt more awkward and more uncomfortable and my night never recovered from that, coupled with the fact that I felt lousy. Plus with her in tears I thought I had really done something wrong.

She utterly humiliated me at the end by standing up and telling me that I couldn't leave until I had eaten the dessert that was brought for me. Everyone was looking at me and she completely put me on the spot, I had to choice but to sit down again.

Then came up to hug me at the end all with a smile saying she hoped I didn't mind but she simply couldn't let me leave and she hoped we were ok. No we bloody weren't actually but I don't like confrontation and will never say anything, plus I desperately wanted to go to bed.

OP posts:
Catmint · 04/08/2013 21:10

Eating dessert at midnight while feeling ill!

It does not sound very enjoyable, tbh.

ALittlePeeved · 04/08/2013 21:12

For me it signalled a chance in our friendship. She has said and done some other things that have really hacked me off and I think she is changing, she wouldn't admit this of course or maybe its me that's changing. I can see her controlling ways in some ways I think. I am pretty controlling in some ways but I am more upfront about it, everyone knows, I feel that hers is more underhanded.

One of our friends is a very good cook but host didn't want her doing the bulk of the food, even though she kindly offered, because "I can cook as well" was the hosts reply.

OP posts:
EMS23 · 04/08/2013 21:13

She sounds unhinged then. Is she normal, other than this episode? If so and she's a good friend, perhaps ask her if everything is ok.
If not, cut her loose, she's mental!

libertine73 · 04/08/2013 21:13

Exactly what littleRed said.

Please tel me you are not really this much of a cah.

reverse AIBU for the poster who asked is where an injured party comes on as if they are the twat in question, no I don't know why people do it either!

StanleyLambchop · 04/08/2013 21:13

I can see why you feel 'off' with your friend. Have you spoken to her since? Now you know YWBNU, what are you going to do (Nosey)

ALittlePeeved · 04/08/2013 21:14

change

Cat it really wasn't. When she stood up at midnight and announced that we should all move into the front room I couldn't believe it. God knows when dessert would have been if I hadn't 'forced' it then.

I'm also not sure what the tears and moodiness were for. She said it was because she felt like I didn't appreciate her doing this for my birthday. It certainly didn't feel like it was for my birthday at all.

OP posts:
HatieKokpins · 04/08/2013 21:16

Sorry you had a shit party and that, but reverse AIBU's are really flipping irritating.

ALittlePeeved · 04/08/2013 21:18

libertine, no I am not this much of a cow, this is exactly what happened but I am the ill friend.

I did it because I was genuinely unsure whether I had been too pushy by trying to pin her down for the food and trying to pin her down as to when we were going to eat. She was very upset and by the way she completely blanked me, I thought I had done something really wrong, which is why the reverse.

Sometimes I do an AIBU where its clear I really am but I honestly didn't see it, so I am often unsure of myself.

OP posts:
FrancesDeLaTourCoughngIntoABin · 04/08/2013 21:20

phew!

libertine73 · 04/08/2013 21:21

Well, you can be sure on this one! Is she a good friend OP? because she really doesn't sound like one.

gamerchick · 04/08/2013 21:22

Your friend sounds like a bellend..a proper cheesy one.

ALittlePeeved · 04/08/2013 21:24

Stanley I really don't know. There has been a few other things for me that are making me think Hmm about this friend, who has been very close to me in the past.

I know she wants to talk to me about something that she is really pissed off about and according to MN I was VU about it but it was a snapshot thing in an increasingly long line of stuff that I am getting fed up with her about. I don't really like her attitude towards some people and what she thinks about them but as we are in a group situation, I can't cut her off.

When she does manage to confront me, as I know she is waiting to do, I do know there are things that need saying, however I know her and I know she will tell me that I am being ridiculous and OTT and its not like that etc etc. I also LOATHE confrontation and will do anything to avoid it.

Hatie sorry, I do too but I honestly wasn't sure if I had done something wrong here.

OP posts:
cacamilis · 04/08/2013 21:26

Okay thanks for the explanation of reversed. To be honest I can't understand why any one would do this, it's not possible for one person to put an others they point across without a lot of second guessing all this reverse has done is left me confused. personally op, I think you would have got more accurate answers If you had only told your side of the story.
your reverse post has left me thinking you are a drama queen, sorry.

ALittlePeeved · 04/08/2013 21:27

"Your friend sounds like a bellend..a proper cheesy one"

Grin

That's really cheered me up, thanks. Wink

libertine she was but I have cut down the contact a lot with her due to this and other things, but she is acting like she is massively wronged at the moment. I just don't have the time for her anymore.

OP posts:
HildaOgden · 04/08/2013 21:28

She's a 'Me Me Me' artist,don't bother continuing with the friendship.

ALittlePeeved · 04/08/2013 21:48

I don't really want to Hilda although as we are part of the same group of friends (ish?, when it suits her and her other friends are busy basically) its awkward as I keep seeing her in group situations at the moment.

Ok, then how do I handle it and what do I say? I know she won't see that she has done anything wrong, if I tell her how I was feeling, humiliated etc, she will tell me I am being ridiculous and that's not what she meant, she will say how I upset her but this coupled with other stuff is kind of it for me but I don't actually know how to be confrontational or diplomatic. I just don't know how to word how her behaviour has and is bothering me. There are loads of other small things but it would be long and boring to go into it all. Basically when she gets her chance, she is going to say something to me, I know because she has already asked me if she could talk to me but at that time I was not in the mood and told her so, so what do I say without sounding like a total bitch and making her feel justified in feeling wronged by me?

OP posts:
SuckAtRelationships · 04/08/2013 22:37

Ditch her. Life is too short for 'friends' like that.

Reverse AIBUs are really annoying so YABU for that :o

pigletmania · 04/08/2013 22:50

Look I woud just drift away from this friendship. She did nottreatyou very well at this party, it was meant to be your special night. Why did she host it if her heart was not in it!you mentioned other things about her that's putting you off, I woud just let I go, life is too short!