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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How should I take this?

53 replies

wherewouldyoulive · 04/08/2013 15:05

My husband said in front of me, "I'm married to an idiot so I have to be struggling to find a flat for the next few years.'' He thought I didnnt understand his explanation how the property market works only because, he thinks, I expect him to find a flat which doesnt exist.

This is the first time he said this way after 5-6 years marriage. Next day I told him to assure me not to say this again and he said ok.

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 04/08/2013 15:06

What?

catinboots · 04/08/2013 15:09

Eh?

WhoNickedMyName · 04/08/2013 15:11

I'd take it that he's sick of flat-hunting and you have very different expectations of what type of flat you should get for your money.

Nevertheless, it was not a nice thing to say.

Original poster

wherewouldyoulive · 04/08/2013 15:50

Sorry to confuse you. I wanted to know how you would understand his comment 'I'm married to an an idiot....' Would you take this as a sign to be developed as violence in the future? Or is this too much worrying?

OP posts:

SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious · 04/08/2013 15:52

I wouldn't worry about that at all. How does been called an idiot once in 6 years a sign of violence to come?

Morgause · 04/08/2013 15:52

It depends on the tone, I'd say. If he meant it then I wouldn't be happy, if it was said as a joke then I wouldn't mind. It's the sort of thing we say about each other in an affectionate way when one makes a mistake.

WorraLiberty · 04/08/2013 15:53

Violence??

I'm sorry, I can't work out what you're saying or what your AIBU question is.

Can you maybe type it again, a big clearer?

Original poster

wherewouldyoulive · 04/08/2013 15:53

The tone was very weak like talking to himself.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/08/2013 15:54

Oh sorry I get it now

SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious · 04/08/2013 15:55

Worra I think because he called her an idiot she thinks its a sign he will be violent towards her. That's how I read it

Dackyduddles · 04/08/2013 15:55

Depends. Did he attempt to back hand you at the same time?

Maybe he was just exasperated with you momentarily... ?

SoldAtAuction · 04/08/2013 15:56

I think you should take it with a big old grain of salt!
He is a muttering fool, let it go.

Vivacia · 04/08/2013 15:56

It's the kind of thing we've never said to each in other. I can imagine in some relationships it would be part of the banter, but it's not something I accept.

Original poster

wherewouldyoulive · 04/08/2013 15:57

Dackyduffles, of course not.

OP posts:

Beastofburden · 04/08/2013 15:58

If you are worried that your husband may be violent, I think you should ask some real life friends or neighbours for advice. Do you have other reasons for thinking this? On its own, his comment shows that he is irritated and impatient with you, nothing more. But if you have other reasons to be worried, that is different.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/08/2013 16:03

Hearing your DH call you an idiot is not nice.

If it happens on a regular basis, or even more that once I reckon, it would be a form of emotional abuse (EA).

Sometimes EA does escalate into physical abuse.

I'm glad you've spoken to your DH and he has agreed not to do it again. Hopefully that means that he understands how unkind and potentially abusive it is.

As for the flat hunting, sounds like you need to have a conversation about that too. Are your expectations or requirements very different? Why is it up to DH alone and not both of you to find this elusive flat?

SpooMoo · 04/08/2013 16:04

Violence or not, I couldn't stay with someone who spoke like this about me (in front of me or behind my back). He has little respect for you and looks down on you.

ExitPursuedByABear · 04/08/2013 16:06

I frequently sing 'How Much Do I Hate Thee, Let Me Count The Ways' in my DH's hearing. I think he should leave me.

Original poster

wherewouldyoulive · 04/08/2013 16:08

beastofburden, I've never felt my husband has been violent. I just read on the Internet people commenting on writing some wife posted that name calling will be developing as violent, the comment was about her husband called her stupid.

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 04/08/2013 16:09

I think you are overreacting, especially if it's a one off.

Sometimes people say things they don't mean.

Why not ask him what he meant?

inallmydays · 04/08/2013 16:10

oh dear ive called my oh all sorts of names in a temper same as he has me,hardly think calling you an idiot is the sign of violence to come or emotional abuse tbh.

Turniptwirl · 04/08/2013 16:11

How many times have you said something an frustration?

And how many times has that ended in violence?!

If its a one off in frustration then get a grip

Beastofburden · 04/08/2013 16:13

If you have no other concerns about violence, then I don't think the word stupid is anything to worry about in itself. I get the sense that perhaps English is an additional language for you? Maybe that's why you are not sure how you should take that use of the word. It's not a very nice thing to say, but you have told him to stop and he has agreed. I don't think that it automatically means that he might be violent. The lady on the Internet might have had other reasons to worry.

youarewinning · 04/08/2013 16:14

I mutter to myself about being an idiot frequently - I've not yet progressed to being violent towards myself.

I would say it was one of those mutterings and you've totally taken offence - and I am strongly from the camp that it's not OK to insult partners/spouses and accept any type of verbal/emotional abuse.

MammaTJ · 04/08/2013 16:15

Well, my DP said earlier to me 'You bastard, have you moved the kitchen again' and I burst out laughing. It didn't occur to me to think he might lead on to becoming violent towards me.

My DD was having a strop under statement and was sent to get something from the kitchen and she stropped off upstairs. His comment lightened out moods, but I see now I should have been ringing womans aid immediately instead.

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