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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How should I take this?

53 replies

wherewouldyoulive · 04/08/2013 15:05

My husband said in front of me, "I'm married to an idiot so I have to be struggling to find a flat for the next few years.'' He thought I didnnt understand his explanation how the property market works only because, he thinks, I expect him to find a flat which doesnt exist.

This is the first time he said this way after 5-6 years marriage. Next day I told him to assure me not to say this again and he said ok.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/08/2013 16:16

Have you honestly never insulted anyone in your whole life OP?

And if you have, did you turn violent?

RainbowCake · 04/08/2013 16:22

Hmm if it was a once in 6 years under the breathe I wouldn't say he is going to randomly attack you. I frequently mutter things under my breath in regards to DP and sometime out loud but in all the years we have been together I have never committed and act of violence towards him.
I find it very odd that you jumped to that conclusion.

firesidechat · 04/08/2013 16:35

Have you name changed OP? It's just that your question reminded me of another poster.

Hope it's ok to ask that.

I wouldn't worry at all if that is the only evidence you have for potential abuse. He just sounds exasperated with the house hunting and lets face it the property market can be very stressful.

Vivacia · 04/08/2013 16:57

Right, I fully accept that some people curse and swear at their loved ones. I don't have a problem with that. Personally, I don't, and I wouldn't tolerate it.

He just sounds exasperated with the house hunting and lets face it the property market can be very stressful.

However, his comment wasn't about the house market, it was about his partner.

Angelfootprints · 04/08/2013 17:03

Does he mean he thinks your an idiot, so not well paid so your low earnings mean you cant afford a flat?

justmyview · 04/08/2013 17:03

I'd be deeply hurt if my DH described me as an idiot. It sounds dismissive. That kind of put down can become emotional abuse, and DV can be part of that overall picture. But I wouldn't think that would always be the case and I don't think it's inevitable.

HerculePoirotsTache · 04/08/2013 17:06

I don't think that one comment would lead to violence but it is very derogatory to you.

Original poster

wherewouldyoulive · 04/08/2013 17:10

Vivacia, he had been stressed by arguing with me regarding house hunting.He was upset with me because we missed all the flats he found when the market was good for a buyer, I didnt choose any of the flat he found. He thinks it's too late to buy a flat in London with a good price as the price has increased so much these days. So we were arguing over that. He said I'm done, you find a flat if you can!

OP posts:

firesidechat · 04/08/2013 17:11

However, his comment wasn't about the house market, it was about his partner.

Ok, I was just trying to be polite. What I should have said is that he sounds exasperated with the OPs unrealistic expectations. I have no idea if the OP is being unrealistic, but that what her posts seems to suggest her husband thinks. It's not entirely clear.

My husband has never called me an idiot (not to my face anyway) and I would be shocked if he ever did, but I still don't think that the husband in this case is suddenly going to start hitting her or even start EA.

Vivacia · 04/08/2013 17:14

I agree Fire I don't think it's a sure sign of abuse or will lead to violence. I just think that it was a personal comment directed at his partner.

However, I can see from your post at 17:10 OP that his comment is fine, and it's all your fault(!).

AnyFucker · 04/08/2013 17:14

You read it online that because a man called a woman "stupid" it was an automatic precursor to him becoming violent ?

Are you always so literal ?

I think perhaps his frustration with you is somewhat justified, but of course he shouldn't be calling you names. If that is a deal breaker for you, that is fine.

Original poster

wherewouldyoulive · 04/08/2013 17:17

Vicvacia, I have never said that his comment was fine. it's all my fault. I agree that I missed good opportunities to buy a flat but I dont think he was acceptable to say 'I'm married to an idiot.'

OP posts:

PrettyKitty1986 · 04/08/2013 17:17

seriously? Your dh calls you an idiot and you're suddenly afraid this is the start of violence?

Think you're a bit of a drama llama myself.

Original poster

wherewouldyoulive · 04/08/2013 17:19

AnyFucker, yes, unfortunately, I'm always so literal :(
I would like to change that but it is hard.

OP posts:

firesidechat · 04/08/2013 17:22

Op, I think I recognise you from a previous name.

In the nicest possible way I think you need to relax a bit and not look for problems where they don't exist. You do appear to worry a great deal about the things that your husband does, but he honestly sounds quite normal to me. Do you suffer from excessive worrying? I hope you don't mind me asking because it can't be fun for you at the moment.

I'm very, very sorry if I'm wrong about this.

AnyFucker · 04/08/2013 17:23

Well, being called an "idiot" is not remotely helpful, is it ? Tell your H that.

My comment was lighthearted really. Does taking things too literally often cause you difficulties ?

Arion · 04/08/2013 17:23

I would class name calling as 'you bitch' or 'you cunt' said in anger, directly to the person in question. If someone had that level of disrespect, I personally would not hang around as I would be concerned about an escalation and potentially violence in the future.

That is just my gut feel though.

Roshbegosh · 04/08/2013 17:24

Has he explained the property market / mortgages etc to you a thousand times and you still don't get it? Maybe he is stating the fact as he sees it this one time. It doesn't mean he thinks you are an idiot all the time and I don't know why you think he might turn violent after 6 years, he might well be seething with irritation though.

zatyaballerina · 04/08/2013 17:26

In all the 5-6 years he's been with you the worst thing he's done is call you an idiot because your unrealistic expectations of the housing market has caused him to lose out on getting in there when he had a chance and your wondering if that means he's suddenly going to transform into a violent thug who batters you because you read something on the internet about violent thugs also engaging in namecalling???

He's not a violent thug, he would have battered you long before now if he had the inclination.

You do sound very stupid and not for the housing situation.

AnyFucker · 04/08/2013 17:29

zat what a nasty comment

Original poster

wherewouldyoulive · 04/08/2013 17:29

firesidechat, yes I'm the person who you think. I posted this writing to get help to judge myself if this issue is something I should worry. Yes I suffer excessive worrying but I cant judge on my own which one I should worry which one I shouldnt.

OP posts:

MagicHouse · 04/08/2013 17:29

I think only you can know if there is a problem. Not knowing your dh it's difficult to say. It's not a nice thing to say, but if it's a one off, or he apologised and is usually very loving and caring and you feel like equals in the relationship then it's ok. If you get the feeling that actually he has little respect for you, and it was said with dislike and contempt, then you have a problem and maybe need to think about what you want to do about it.

EverybodysStressyEyed · 04/08/2013 17:32

I've said the same about dh out of frustration when I have explained the same thing over and over and he just doesn't get it. It is extremely frustrating and in the end we did it the way he suggested and it was a disaster for all the reasons I had explained. And then he himself admitted that he was indeed an idiot.

But dh and I don't really mind mild name calling as we know each other well enough. And sometimes I can do something stupid, as can he. I don't have a problem in him telling me when I have and I appreciate it if he points it out before it happens!

If you are trying to buy a flat it can be hugely frustrating regardless - perhaps you need a chat before you keep looking to make sure you are on the same page

breatheslowly · 04/08/2013 17:37

My DH calls me an idiot occasionally whe I do idiotic things. I know he doesn't generally think I am an idiot for two reasons, firstly because I am clearly not an idiot and secondly because he would not have tolerated our relationship for this long if I was an idiot. He has never been violent towards me or anyone. So it isn't inevitable.

firesidechat · 04/08/2013 17:37

Thank you for replying wherewouldyoulive.

Having read you previous posts I would definitely say that you have absolutely nothing to worry about where you husband is concerned. Of course I can only go on what you have said on MN, but he sounds like a totally normal and non abusive man.

Have you had any help with your anxiety because that would seem to be the most sensible thing to do? Worrying to this extent must be very draining.

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