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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have screamed hysterically?

54 replies

mollysmum82 · 03/08/2013 20:17

I've just completely freaked myself out and my family out. I was getting a pillow case out of the airing cupboard and the doors slammed shut behind me. For some reason I instantly became convinced I was locked in this tiny pitch black room and I screamed my lungs off horrifically until dh let me out. I cried uncontrollabley for ages afterwards (as did my poor kids). I'm still shaking like a leaf. I'm normally quite a calm person!

Now I keep visualising a cupboard under the stairs in my own childhood house and I'm convincing myself I used to be locked in it as a young child. Is it possible I could have blocked it out all these years? Could it just be something I saw on telly as a kid? Or am I completely overreacting?

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wonderingsoul · 03/08/2013 20:22

oh bless you. what a horrid and strange thing to happen.

its not unusal to blank out part of your history. did you have a rarther unusal or violeant childhood ? sorry to put it so blunt, but theres no really nice way of saying it really.

if not, its possable that you did get locked in the cupboard by accideant.. or a sibling/friend playing a trick on you? and it brought it back to you?

do you have a good relationship with your parents or siblings tha tyou could ask?

Sparrowlegs248 · 03/08/2013 20:24

I can't help you with whether you have blocked something out, but yanbu to have freaked out. I recently had a total panic attck over a wasp. I'm normally not bothered by creepies, but this kept buzzing round my head. For ages (10minutes at a time) and just wouldn't go away. Twice i actually tried to run from it. Then it got stuck in my hair and buzzed more and more angrily. I was flailing and screaming. Grabbed a horse grooming brush and frantically brushed my hair, smacked my head leaving a large painful lump. It was genuinely horrendous. And has left me with a fear of buzzy things. So i get where you are coming from. I think its abit of a primal fear.

twinklyfingers · 03/08/2013 20:24

Oh that sounds horrible, poor you.

My mum is very claustrophobic and reacts like this very occasionally. I often wonder if she was kept somewhere enclosed when she was little and hated it (sadly wouldn't put it past my grandparents Sad )

I would try not to think about it too much though.

scarletforya · 03/08/2013 20:32
Brew
Cheesyslice · 03/08/2013 20:34

Were you actually locked in? By that I mean did you try the doors, realise you we're stuck and then freak out or did you freak out without trying to get out?

Either way, YANBU. Being in a small space with no apparent easy way of getting out is a big fear of mine.

Cheesyslice · 03/08/2013 20:35

Were not we're. Fucking iPad.

sparklekitty · 03/08/2013 20:47

That sounds horrid!

I have blocked out about 3 years of my teenage years while I was being abused, can't remember even little things. Quite often little things will trigger a memory and ill have to work out the rest. Usually I get a like flash memory then the bits before and after come back slowly over the next few days.

Not sure if this happens with others but I would say if this has triggered a memory be prepared for other bits and bobs around it to fall into place over the next few days. It's not nice and can be quite disorientating. Try to just go with it.

You have my sympathies

MikeOxard · 03/08/2013 21:07

Might it rather have just been a fear you had as a child, that you'd get shut in there? And perhaps the shock and panic just brought that fear back?

I got up in the middle of the night once and dh thought for a second that I was a ghost - he panicked and couldn't stop screaming (we laugh about it now), even after he realised it was me. It was kind of like a panic switch and tripped and he couldn't reset it for a minute. x

AgentZigzag · 03/08/2013 21:13

There's no concrete evidence that people can recover 'repressed' memories, maybe have a new understanding of something they were too young at the time to understand, but not of something suddenly springing from out of the blue.

It's more worrying you think anyone you were in contact with as a child could treat you in such a way.

Did you have anyone in mind? A situation you were in where this would be plausible?

Twattybollocks · 03/08/2013 21:13

You may have been shut in a cupboard as a child and blocked it out, or, unless you have other bad memories of childhood, more likely you hid in a cupboard and got yourself stuck in there, were terrified and blocked it out, or equally it could have been any dark enclosed place where you were stuck and scared.
I got myself stuck in a concrete drainage pipe as a child, I was totally unaware of this until I was having a massive strop with my boyfriend age 17 and he grabbed my arms and pinned them to my sides, I freaked so badly I actually threw him across the room, and then sat in the corner shaking and crying, my mum came in at that point and when he told her what had happened, she said "oh she's always flipped out when her arms are trapped, since she got stuck in a pipe when she was 6" I had absolutely no recollection of this, although I can remember lots of other stuff when I was that age. Seems my head couldn't deal with the trauma.

RedHelenB · 03/08/2013 21:24

I think you get more claustrophobic with age, I certainly have!

Original poster
mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 19:16

Thank you everyone for listening last night and supporting me.

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Original poster
mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 19:17

Wondering soul - I don't think it was violent but I have suspected abuse before. Definitely can remember emotional abuse but I do worry there may have been other kinds :(

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Original poster
mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 19:19

My mum threatened to pour boiling water over me as a teenager. She held it over my head but when I cowered and apologised she didn't actually do it so I guess that's the important thing? I remember lots of bad things happening and her saying ' if you tell your dad about that he'll come after me and kill me' but I can't remember what the things were.

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Original poster
mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 19:20

Feel awful even talking about this, she passed away just last December.

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Original poster
mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 19:23

I keep remembering that cupboard but the only real vivid memories are teenage ones. I know mum always said dad felt uncomfortable about my breasts so I should try better to hide them but again this doesn't mean anything.

Sorry guys, you've opened the floodgates here, can't stop thinking about that stupid childhood cupboard.

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Original poster
mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 19:24

But you're absolutely tight, it's probably more just adult claustrophobia or getting locked in accidentally as a child. Or maybe I'm just having weird pnd stuff still.

Sorry for sharing everyone, feel a bit embarrassed now.

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Original poster
mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 19:25

Nottslotta, bless you that bee thing sounds horrific!

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Original poster
mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 19:26

Twinklyfingers- I'm sorry to hear that :(

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mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 19:27

Cheesy slice - no that's the stupid thing! I wasn't actually locked in, just thought I was!

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Original poster
mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 19:28

Sparklekitty - I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear that :( you're so brave sharing and I appreciate so much your advice x x x x

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ChippingInHopHopHop · 04/08/2013 19:31

Oh my love :(

I'm sorry you feel awful talking about this as she died in Dec - but maybe because she is no longer here, you might start to remember bits & pieces.

What I have written next might be a bit hard to read ... so feel free not to OK.

The fact that she didn't do it (pour the boiling water over you), is not the important part there (well, it's good she didn't, but it doesn't make it OK if that makes more sense) - the fact that your Mum was holding boiling water over your head and threatening to do it is the important part. It was abuse, serious abuse. It would not surprise me at all to learn that you were indeed locked in a cupboard as a small child :(

As for your Dad being uncomfortable with your breasts and you being held responsible for hiding them... Hmm that's definitely not right/normal. You probably aren't wrong to suspect other kinds of abuse :(

Might be well worth seeing someone to talk to.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 04/08/2013 19:33

Don't be embarassed - you have nothing to be embarassed about At All.

Littleen · 04/08/2013 19:40

Sorry to hear about those things from your past, perhaps you'd want to talk to someone about it if it causes you troubles now. On the other hand - it's perfectly normal to freak out when shut in a cupboard I think, if you have somewhat claustrophobic tendencies. I could easily do the same. If I am abit stressed or on edge, and something makes me jump, I will scream and cry uncontrollably for ages afterwards, and it has nothing to do with my childhood, it's just a reaction :)

Original poster
mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 19:41

Thanks chippinginhophop. That's so kind of you to reply to me. What you say all makes sense :( Ever since dd was born I feel I have been remembering things on a drip drip basis. Like having a small child has helped me start to remember being one? I just feel like all this is the tip of the iceberg. I know I didn't feel happy as a child but I just don't remember why. I remember attempting suicide when I was 14 but again no idea what happened before. My mum said that some psychiatrists can trick you into believing you have been abused in the past so I never wanted to see one. But now I worry she said that so I wouldn't uncover anything.

What worries me is my (extremely happy go lucky, life loving brother) has times where he breaks down and cries uncontrollably about something mum said dad did. But again he can't remember what.

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