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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have screamed hysterically?

54 replies

mollysmum82 · 03/08/2013 20:17

I've just completely freaked myself out and my family out. I was getting a pillow case out of the airing cupboard and the doors slammed shut behind me. For some reason I instantly became convinced I was locked in this tiny pitch black room and I screamed my lungs off horrifically until dh let me out. I cried uncontrollabley for ages afterwards (as did my poor kids). I'm still shaking like a leaf. I'm normally quite a calm person!

Now I keep visualising a cupboard under the stairs in my own childhood house and I'm convincing myself I used to be locked in it as a young child. Is it possible I could have blocked it out all these years? Could it just be something I saw on telly as a kid? Or am I completely overreacting?

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Original poster
mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 19:43

I know my mum was abused by her dad when she was little. I suspect my dad may have been abused too - he went to a catholic boarding school and talking openly about all the abuse he saw on the other boys. But there have only been hints that it happened to h

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mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 19:43

im

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mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 19:45

You're right littleleen, I probably have just been stressed

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Coffeenowplease · 04/08/2013 19:46

Sad for you - do have idea why you attempted suicide at 14? What was your mums reaction to this ?

Original poster
mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 19:47

There's so many little silly things, like mum refusing to wash my knickers when I had my period because I was disgusting. I used to bin them if there was any leakage and steal new ones from the shop :( so so ashamed to be telling you this.

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Coffeenowplease · 04/08/2013 19:48

What ever you think, your feelings are valid and you childhood was not normal and it sounds abusive too.

Coffeenowplease · 04/08/2013 19:49

Dont feel ashamed. Thats awful behavior on her part. Its nothing for you to be ashamed of. Leaks are normal. Your mums behavior was not.

Original poster
mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 19:51

Thanks coffeenowplease. I drank a bottle of sun-in hair bleach but other than sounding like Marge Simpson for a few days nothing happened. So she never knew.
I then tried to jump out my bedroom window once but she caught me just in time - she said I wouldn't have died, I would have been permanently disabled and in her care forever - which, to be fair to her put me off from trying again!

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mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 19:53

Yes the period thing was really odd. I think she hated everything womanly about me. But I can't work out if it was a jealous thing or if she was trying to protect me from my dad if stuff was happening?

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Coffeenowplease · 04/08/2013 19:54

:( I dont know what to say. Have you thought about speaking to a professional about any of this ?

Original poster
mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 19:58

Yeah I could do. I should do really. I've just heard that things can get worse before they can get better so a bit scared.

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mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 19:59

Sorry everyone. This is horrible to read isn't it :(

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Coffeenowplease · 04/08/2013 20:01

It might - but it sounds to me like things are coming back to you anyway ?

IsisOhIsis · 04/08/2013 20:10

I have nothing helpful to add but a lot of empathy for you. I hope you find a solution. Could this be something you and your brother tackle together?

ChippingInHopHopHop · 04/08/2013 20:14

It might be hard to speak to a professional and it might make all come back but better that and dealing with it with help, than to just have it all come back little by little on your own?!

Everything you add just makes you (and your brother) having been abused seem more and more likely and the fact that both your parents were abused...

It is horrible to read, but it's far worse that it happened to you! You mustn't feel embarassed/ashamed or anything else - your parents have treat you very very badly - whether there was any abuse you hadn't yet remembered or not, what you have written here alone is bloody terrible :(

Buddhagirl · 04/08/2013 20:43

I'm a therapist. Please do take my opinion with a pinch of salt though, the human mind is beyond complicated and psychology is in its infancy.

I would be very surprised if you had that reaction in the cupboard for no reason, you said you thought you were "locked in a tiny pitch black room " and you had a strong emotional reaction that it took you a while to calm down from. That does not happen out of the blue. The brain remembers trauma, it's good for us, if we fell off something high and hurt ourselves and enjoyed that, the human race would not last that long.

What you have written here points towards a... unhealthy family life, children don't try to die at 14 for no reason. Your brother suffers because your parents did something he has repressed and you talk about the things you remember being just the tip of the iceberg. I think your probably right and it is just the tip of the iceberg, again people don't think that for no reason.

Big question is do you want to know? Because it's a massive question, if you generally have a happy life and don't suffer with anxiety /depression /whatever then it might be wise to leave it forgotten. Your right it does get a hell of a lot worse before it gets better. Crippling shame and anger are.... Beyond horrible. Make this decision before you speak to a health professional.

So sorry your going through this, it's horrible always doubting and wondering and reacting strongly to things when you don't know why.

libertine73 · 04/08/2013 20:51

That's really good advice Buddha

Good luck OP

Sheshelob · 04/08/2013 20:56

OP, I had a "complicated" childhood and have finally taken the big step into therapy. I wanted to break the cycle of generations of complicated childhoods. It is very early days but my world has yet to come crashing down.

You'll know when you are ready to do it because you will do it.

But I just wanted to say that you should not feel ashamed. You were a child. You did nothing wrong. They did.

tallwivglasses · 04/08/2013 21:01

Nothing useful to add, I just wanted to say good luck too. I hope everyone close to you is giving you hugs and love x

Original poster
mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 22:01

Thanks for all your support chipping x x

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mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 22:02

Oh no I'm so sorry to hear that sheshlebob, I really hope it works out ok, thinking of you

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mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 22:03

Thanks tallwivglasses, I appreciate it.

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complexnumber · 04/08/2013 22:04

Have you managed to explain to your children why you were screaming and crying.

That could be an image they will carry with them well beyond this weekend.

Original poster
mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 22:05

Thanks so much for your advice Buddha. I kind of feel I don't want to know but at the same time it might help to deal with it. I do suffer with depression, anxiety and low self esteem in general.

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mollysmum82 · 04/08/2013 22:07

Oh complexnumber you've just put me into a cold sweat. That's exactly why I'm terrified of all this, I don't want them to carry any of this on their shoulders. You think I could have caused them damage with this incident? :(

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