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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give up on breastfeeding

65 replies

Humiliated1 · 03/08/2013 19:27

My DS is 7 months old and I am feeling increasingly uncomfortable BF him at my in laws, my MIL has made it clear she thinks its a bit perverse and that he will be perverted by it and my FIL just wants to know when I'm going to move on to 'proper' milk. I know they're wrong but am just so worn down by it all

OP posts:

FobblyWoof · 03/08/2013 20:00

When I saw the title I was all ready to say that if it was too hard and you were putting yourself under tons of pressure and making yourself miserable then maybe yanbu, but I'm afraid if I had your in laws I'd be doing it way way longer just to spite them and their idiotic ideas.

Your response when mil suggests it's perverse should be "oh, I didn't realise you bf Dh"

gamerchick · 03/08/2013 20:01

I agree, if you stop because of these reasons then you may feel bitter about it later on.

I got lots of comments from family but I still carried on till he was 3 1/2. My favourite retort was raised eyebrow 'why would I want to feed him synthesised cows milk' in 'that'

LilacPeony · 03/08/2013 20:03

Could you get your husband to ask if they prefer you and your baby to stay away until you have finished breastfeeding as you have no plans to give up yet as your GP and health visitor have advised you to continue for the foreseeable. They can then either suck it up or you get to stay away. Hopefully they will say they prefer you to stay away so you get a break from them.

gamerchick · 03/08/2013 20:04

Tone of voice.

Your baby, your choice.. Tell them if they keep on about it you'll carry on for years.

Really your bloke should be saying something.

pianodoodle · 03/08/2013 20:05

Personally I'd tell them to shut their stupid mouths with their nonsense and laugh openly at their "perverse" suggestions. I'd also ask FIL why he wants to know and why he thinks it might somehow be any of his business?!

That approach might not be to your taste though - but could you get your DH to tell them?

I hate it when people can't just accept that things are not always fixed, times changes, attitudes change and move on!

My mum didn't bf me or my sister (it wasn't encouraged as much) but was amazed and fascinated to see me doing it and really interested. She didn't get all arsey just because it wasn't as popular when she gave birth she thought it was "like magic"

Amy106 · 03/08/2013 20:05

Wow...just wow. What you are doing is best for their grandchild. You would think they would be cheering you on, not bullying you with stupid comments designed to make you feel bad. If you want to breast feed, you should breast feed, in their presence if you want to or somewhere else in the house if it makes you feel better to be away from them. Or don't go over there if they are going to treat you this way. And your husband needs to defend your choices and tell them to back off and just stop it. Good luck with this. So sorry to hear you are being treating this way. It isn't right and it isn't fair.

chipmonkey · 03/08/2013 20:06

MIL used to go on and on like this! What was really annoying was that SIL ff and when her dd was 12 weeks old and colicky, MIL asked "could you not breastfeed?"

I used to say "But he's not two yet?" with an incredulous look as if everyone bf till at least 2. When he was actually 2, they had stopped asking and I continued for another 8 months!

sameoldIggi · 03/08/2013 20:07

I would not be keen to spend so much time around people who were so disrespectful to me. Is it your choice to see them so much? Can you get your dh to have a word, saying to them they are making you uncomfortable and if they want you to keep visiting they need to stop?

It is very, very hard but laughing it off with a "proper milk?? Ha ha!" Might be easiest or what about the mumsnet classic "do you mean to be so rude?"
Fwiw I fed ds1 till he turned two when he gave up of his own accord, and he has shown zero interest in my (or anyone's!) boobs since, and no interest either when I'm feeding his baby brother. Perverted my arse.

CheshirePanda · 03/08/2013 20:09

Why don't you quote some of the official guidelines on breastfeeding, such as the World Health Organisation, who I believe recommend BFing until 2 years old. Or say that you raised their concerns with the Health Visitor, Gp or whatever, who said that BF is best for baby and mother. perhaps a few snide comments about their views being tragically out of date too? Or perhaps that's just me being bitchy. I tend to preface statements with " yes, current medical thinking is xxx, it's so different from years ago". This tends to nip any retorts in the bud...

maddening · 03/08/2013 20:10

Tell dh to step in and tell his parents that if they don't stop with the comments then he will dramatically reduce visits and they will only take place in between feeds.

Xiaoxiong · 03/08/2013 20:11

YWBU if you cave into their disgraceful pressure. (I would say the same if they were pressuring you to BF and you wanted to FF instead.)

DS is 19 months and I've had raised eyebrows from certain corners since he was a year old. As far as I'm concerned I fought to establish BFig and now it's working for me and DS they can all fuck right off - we'll keep going as long as DS wants to. He's down to a 2 min feed/cuddle every morning but that was his choice (and mine, a bit - have done the don't offer/don't refuse method since he was old enough to ask for mama milk).

Your ILs can take a running jump.

thebody · 03/08/2013 20:12

that's really horrible for you.

can't your dh say something to support you?

I really wouldn't go round/ask them round to be honest and when they say anything get your dh to tell them how upsetting you find their remarks.

to be honest if you are 'suffering in silence' they might not realise how rude they are being.

please don't give up until you want to.

Catsize · 03/08/2013 20:13

Oh. My. Word.

Show your father-in-law the ingredients on a packet of formula maybe... Especially the mashed up fish bit.
It is awful they make you feel this way. How is a cow's milk more 'proper' than yours?! There really is no decent answer to that, so perhaps ask him the question.
They should be really pleased you are breastfeeding.
Son breastfed until ten months, with some formula as I was rubbish at expressing and had to go back to work very early (partner stayed at home and my supplies were a bit lacking!). Son decided to stop and has never gone back.
Pretty sure he won't be a pevert...

Your outlaws sound like sometng off a comedy sketch. Only it isn't funny.

Good luck. I think you would regret giving up because of them, not least because it is so much easier than bottles!

UnevenTan · 03/08/2013 20:15

"I don't want to discuss how my baby is fed. Please do not bring this up again. "

Repeat like a broken record.

Nanny0gg · 03/08/2013 20:16

What does your DH say?

I disagree with sitting down and sorting it out with them,

I think they need to be told to mind their own business.

Shellywelly1973 · 03/08/2013 20:16

My lovely sister is still bf her dd who's not 2 til September. She gets this all the time from our mum. Our mum think its disgusting- i think she's amazing!

Times have changed, advice, information etc. You can't make your in laws understand but you do need to do what you feel best doing.

Forgetfulmog · 03/08/2013 20:19

Xiao - I completely get what you're saying re difficulty establishing bfing. I was the same. I'm now starting to get comments about stopping bfing & I just want to tell them to fuck off! Dd is 10 mo btw.

OP - as others have said, UNICEF guidelines are to bf until 2. At the very least, a baby's main source of food until 1 is BM (or formula of course). Please don't give up unless you want to, you'll regret it & resent your ILs.

I cannot understand why people are so judgemental about bfing, I mean we're all encouraged (or forced, depending on what side of the argument you are) to bf our kids & then, once we've got it established & it's easy, we're all forced/encouraged to give it up! I mean wtf?!! Society has literally gone mad

VileWoman · 03/08/2013 20:20

What awful people. Your OH needs to man up and tell them to butt right out. BFing is a relationship between you and your LO and only one of you two can decide when to stop BFing, not some ignorant and rude relations.

Remind them that the WHO advice is to BF for a minimum of 2 years and let them choke on that. Should shut them up for a while (worked on my Mum who is pro-Bfing but has a shorter time limit on it that me).

VileWoman · 03/08/2013 20:22

Should say, if you want to feed for less than the WHO recommendation that's fine, it's your body.

sameoldIggi · 03/08/2013 20:24

Yes it's to a minimum of two, they are not telling you to stop then if you don't want to either! I must say before I did it myself I would have thoug it odd to feed for so long. But then I had a lot of ideas about motherhood which the lo soon knocked out of me!

Original poster

Humiliated1 · 03/08/2013 20:28

My DH is supportive but just says 'oh they're mad ignore them' I think if they were insinuating he was thriving I could shrug that off (he's massive) its just the incidios nature of the comments about it being odd and perverse, I know I'm not perverted but to constantly hear snide comments and get odd looks is hard. We are round there a lot think ill have to tell DH to tell them off, just wish they could accept it as natural

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 03/08/2013 20:28

You're not wrong to give up on breastfeeding.

YABU to give up because of your PIL's strange ways.

They are entitled to their opinion, they are entitled to voice, to are perfectly within your rights to ignore it completely.

I would have fun with it. Practice one liners that prey on their small minded views... I remember when I dressed my then toddler son in pink, and my extended family (not PIL's but their rellies) said I was "very modern" and "was I not concerned about his future"? I said "Oh yes, I am simply desperate to have at least one gay son, I mean, who else will go shopping with me?" (Obviously I don't give a shite either way, and do not stereotype people in my usual daily life) They soon shut up. They whisper when I see them now, but I only see them when someone dies so it's not too difficult to keep them confused, worried and afraid.

These are people that think that my one lesbian distant relative became 'that way' because she wore her big brother's jeans as a child. There is no reasoning with people like this, so just let it amuse you, when it ceases to amuse you, fuck them off... and if you can't do that, erupt to such a lioness extent that they zip it.

Whothefuckfarted · 03/08/2013 20:34

If you want to carry on then do what your Dh says and ignore them.

They're clearly sick in the head to say stuff like that to you.

Say what uneventan suggested -

"I don't want to discuss how my baby is fed. Please do not bring this up again. smile"

Repeat like a broken record.

Whothefuckfarted · 03/08/2013 20:36

kellymom.com/ages/older-infant/ebf-benefits/

Read some of this, you'll have plenty ammunition if they try being awful.

pianodoodle · 03/08/2013 20:37

vilewoman "the WHO advice is to BF for a minimum of 2 years and let them choke on that."

I first read that as being the actual wording on the WHO website... seemed a bit conflicting

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