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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD? Wedding related but nowhere near as exciting as Tidydancer's scenario

69 replies

ilikecooking · 03/08/2013 17:31

DH & I married 10 years.

DH hasn't heard from his best man for 3 or 4 years despite living within 10 miles of us.

DH gets a call out of the blue from our best man's best man - turns out he's getting married & wants DH at the stag-do.

DH agrees, says he's looking forward to catching up. No monies exchanged - DH is told all info will be given nearer the time of the stag-do.

TODAY is stag-do day. DH is at home because he didn't receive any further info. It wasn't followed through despite DH's attempt to make contact with best man & groom.

DH is disappointed. I feel disappointed for him.

I'm in a pickle - we RSVP'd the wedding invite at the same time of accepting the stag-do invite, saying we'd love to join in with their wedding celebrations.

DH & I both now feel it is inappropriate to attend. He feels unwanted & rejected. He tried to make good the friendship he originally had with his best man.

My issue is: I don't want the wedding party to be out of pocket for our meal & think it is only fair that we warn them we will not be attending. DH & I will look bad if we do a no-show. On the other hand, I am thinking we don't turn up but if we ever get questioned about it, can say I was suddenly taken ill. (Not rare in my case!)

Note: Invite came with "Cash as a present please" poem Wink

WWYD?

OP posts:
MonstrousPippin · 03/08/2013 17:34

Has the stag do definitely happened on the original date? Could it be that the date changed and details have yet to be sent?

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2013 17:35

Oh sod them, I'd send a note saying that you are now unable to attend the wedding and wish them every happiness.

When you say your DH attempted to contact them, what did he do? Did he have an up to date phone number/email address?

Ragwort · 03/08/2013 17:36

If you really don't want to go can you send a note saying that you are terribly sorry but you had double booked yourselves/long-lost relative arriving from the other side of the world/make up something else?

I think just doing a 'no show' is pretty poor even if you have been treated shabbily - it might be purely down to the best man for not giving your DH the right information.

Ragwort · 03/08/2013 17:37

Is it meant to be tonight? Isn't there time to try phoning again and asking where they are all meeting?

Original poster
ilikecooking · 03/08/2013 17:38

Wedding is in 2 weeks...

I reassured DH that he probably wouldn't hear any news of stag-do such as time, meeting place etc until a few days before. But that call never came.

Hence the calls & texts DH made to them...silence from them both seems to confirm it's today & they just didn't want him.

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 03/08/2013 17:38

was the information shared by the dreaded FB,

it may be a slack mate of the groom,

It's not nice to be left out.

solveproblem · 03/08/2013 17:40

I need you to share the poem with us before I can give my opinion on this...

HamletsSister · 03/08/2013 17:41

Contact the bride, not the groom and ask about the stag.

tootiredtothink · 03/08/2013 17:52

I'm with Ragwort, send a note

Vivacia · 03/08/2013 17:52

I hate this kind of... how can you describe it? Something fairly small and inconsequential but yet really hurtful and heartbreaking to see it happen to someone you care about.

I guess you can't get in touch with the couple to double-check it really has gone ahead. How do you know it has ?

Alohomora · 03/08/2013 17:55

Now, first off, I got married last month and wee had a tere cash poem in our invite, so my opinion might be invalid. Wink

I think, except if you want to make a point and deliberately stand them up to be spiteful (which imo would be understandable in your situation) I'd just sent a note to say that something's come up and you now can't attend. I had 4 people dither for ages, confirm 5 days before the weddig then cancel 3 days before. The day before the weddig someone else invited themselves!

It happens, and this way you won't leave them wondering on the day.

Original poster
ilikecooking · 03/08/2013 17:56

I've only met the bride once! I assume it's her mobile no. & email address on the invite Blush

The Poem!.....
More than kisses so far we've shared
Our home has been made with love & care
Most things we need we've already got
And in our home we can't fit a lot!

A wishing well we thought would be great,
(we'd love you to participate)
A gift of money is placed in the well,
but make a wish but sshhh, don't tell!

We don't want to offend but we have it all,
All household goods & so much more.
To save you shopping, sit back & rest
A gift of money is our request.

Don't go overboard & rob any banks
Anything will make us smile with thanks.
We'll supply the wishing well,
Just add the envelope & who can tell.
Now that we've saved you all the fuss,
We'd love for you to celebrate with us.

I'm not on FB, nor is DH.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/08/2013 17:58

I loathe cash poems sent with invitations and would not comply. But that's beside the point. Maybe somebody who should have given the details of the stag night has slipped up. So you should check up on that first. You can't just not turn up at the wedding.

EuphemiaLennox · 03/08/2013 18:00

Isn't it probably the best man who has messed up here, and forgotten your DH?

The groom obviously wanted to invite you to the wedding and asked his best man to involve your DH in the stag do. Best man has obviously made a half hearted initial attempt to do this then forgotten abut your DH.

Does best man know your DH? If not then he's probably got carried away with plans with his 'friends' and left out the grooms old friends.

It's tricky for you, but that would be my initial interpretation, in which case I'd contact the bride or groom and say ' has the stag do happened yet? DH heard from best man but no further details??'

Hopefully you should get an 'oh no best mans cocked up then, really sorry but looking forward to seeing you at the wedding' type reply.

If you get a sheepish 'oh sorry it was last week' type reply, ditch them and reply 'oh really? And we're sorry we've realised we have to house sit for mu parents when it's your wedding' or whatever.

EvieanneVolvic · 03/08/2013 18:02

That is one of the worst (and I speak as one who has NO objection whatsoever to giving money as a wedding gift!)

The tone is not suitably apologetic for being presumptuous, the rhyme scheme is all over the place (and nowhere) and the scansion is away with the fairies.

On these grounds alone you would be justified in not going and in counting yourself lucky that you do not have to have these people in your lives anymore but I think a note might be nice anyway

Alohomora · 03/08/2013 18:04

Now, that poem is way too long and way too cutesy, no more than 4 lines are acceptable IMO!

PaulSmenis · 03/08/2013 18:04

Not another fucking wishing well poem! We had one of those recently. It's even worse than if you wrote "No presents, cash please."

laeiou · 03/08/2013 18:13

I vote for Euphemia's approach. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Use the contact details on the invitation asking if everything's okay since dh got no reply to his messages about the stag do. Take it from there. No good excuse and you bow out. It sounds like you only know a few people who'll attend the wedding and if those people have ignored dh this weekend then surely it's best for everyone that you decline.

PeriodFeatures · 03/08/2013 18:18

Maybe the Stag has not gone ahead because Groom and Bridge have had a terrific fall out.

Oooh do let us know. This is another wedding thread after all....It COULD get really really exciting.

The Poem!.....
More than kisses so far we've shared
Our home has been made with love & care
Most things we need we've already got
And in our home we can't fit a lot!

A wishing well we thought would be great,
(we'd love you to participate)
A gift of money is placed in the well,
but make a wish but sshhh, don't tell!

We don't want to offend but we have it all,
All household goods & so much more.
To save you shopping, sit back & rest
A gift of money is our request.

Don't go overboard & rob any banks
Anything will make us smile with thanks.
We'll supply the wishing well,
Just add the envelope & who can tell.
Now that we've saved you all the fuss,
We'd love for you to celebrate with us.

I'm not on FB, nor is DH.

OMFG OP ..I have received this poem recently too!! Could it be the SAME wedding lol!!

I was actually a weeee bit affronted by this knowing that the couple have enough money to refurnish their home (with mortgage paid off already) A few times over..lol!.

Ohhh wouldn't it be weird if it's the same wedding!

Jan49 · 03/08/2013 18:21

If you wanted to go to the wedding then I'd still go. Someone has messed up in sorting out the stag event but it might be nothing to do with the groom.

I think if I were asked to a wedding and asked for cash because the couple already has everything, I'd donate to charity and put a note in an envelope saying "As you say you have it all, we have made a donation to a charity instead". I mean, if they have it all, what do they want your money for?Confused

I'm also grossed out by "More than kisses so far we've shared". They're telling their guests they've had sex?Blush

GlaikitFizzog · 03/08/2013 18:22

Nah I've had that exact same poem too for a wedding last year. Must be a top hit of you google money grabbing wedding poems!

GlaikitFizzog · 03/08/2013 18:26

And lo and behold, confetti.com list it here

PeriodFeatures · 03/08/2013 18:27

That's a shame Glaikit that nearly got a bit exciting. (for me) I could?ve gossiped to OP about all the other wedding issues (that i know about) re grabby couple. Grin

CaptainSweatPants · 03/08/2013 18:29

Get Dh to text groom when is the stag do

I mean fgs they're clearly not friends any more are they?!
Baffled they invited you to the wedding tbh
Contact every 10 years?!

GlaikitFizzog · 03/08/2013 18:35

Sorry period! My poem was accompanied by a huge wishing well at the wedding the sat in the middle of the dance floor for everyone to go up to and place their donations! I bought them a lamp!

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