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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To lie to DS?

22 replies

KirjavaTheCat · 01/08/2013 13:39

It's trivial I know, but me and OH disagree.

This morning DS was in the garden when he came across an exhausted bee, he came running in to tell me, because for the past couple of weeks (after a thread I saw on MN) we've been looking out for poorly bees and carrying a little bottle of sugar water around with us in case we find one.

I didn't fancy the bee's chances, and after bringing it in and trying to save it, it died. DS was off playing so I quickly put the bee back outside. DS went to check on it just now and I told him that it got better and flew away, saying that it said it was sorry it couldn't thank him but he had lots of work to do Blush

OH asked why I didn't just tell him it was dead and thinks it was a good opportunity to show him that these things happen. He is three! He knows that animals die, but I felt kinda bad and didn't want him to be upset that something he'd tried to help save died anyway Sad

...AIBU?

OP posts:
HenriettaPye · 01/08/2013 13:40

My DS is 3- I would have used the same answer as you

thebody · 01/08/2013 13:41

na I would have done what you did.

At 3 my kids got left notes by the garden fairy( me) and clues to hidden treasures( stones/leaves)

he's got a lifetime to deal with reality.

Yorkieaddict · 01/08/2013 13:44

I would have told him the truth. I can understand you wanting to shield him from anything unpleasant, but the reality is that you can't. All you can do is give him the skills to cope with it when bad things do happen. I think little things like that are a good place to start. He would probably have been completely unbothered anyway!

CockyFox · 01/08/2013 13:44

Now I would have used the death of the bee as a life lesson - that sometimes we/doctors try our hardest but that not everything/everyone can get better. I would also say that we had helped the bee by making it more comfortable while it was dying.
I think it is better to introduce the concept with a creature that the child has no emotional attachment rather than a pet or worse a freind or family member.
Death is a part of life I don't think we can or shpukd protect children from it.

PoopMaster · 01/08/2013 13:45

No way! I definitely would've lied too, my parents did this when I was younger (hit a hedgehog with the car and took it home with us, it "left us" the next morning).

I still think it was very sweet they did that, my sisters and I would've been devastated!

CockyFox · 01/08/2013 13:45

Should not shpukd

zeno · 01/08/2013 14:22

Yabu, and your dh is right. Kids are very pragmatic about death if it is presented in a straightforward way as part of how the world is. Just give truthful answers to the questions they ask, without elaborating. They ask more as they get older and need to understand more. It's really not so hard.

A child of three is plenty old enough to hear about it. You don't want to end up introducing the concept when your hand is forced by events around you with people he cares about. Much better to have a bee, a bird, a worm etc to start off with.

Mittensthekitten · 01/08/2013 14:26

I would have told the truth. It's a good way to understand about death on quite a minor level.

Original poster
KirjavaTheCat · 01/08/2013 14:29

When he sees a dead bird in the road he'll point out that it is squashed and dead, so he knows that things die... I suppose I was just saving him from the disappointment of the bee who he'd tried to help save dying. He was like a little doctor and really enjoyed it, I guess I didn't want to spoil it for him.

OP posts:
isitsnowingyet · 01/08/2013 14:31

I would always tell the truth - gently if possible - especially if it had been a bigger creature. But a bee? Why would you lie about that anyway

Crinkle77 · 01/08/2013 14:33

I wouldn't really say either of your are being unreasonable. there really is no right or wrong answer. Maybe next time you could be truthful but in the mean time just think about what you will say if it comes up again so you are prepared.

Dackyduddles · 01/08/2013 14:47

Not every situation has to be a flaming learning one. Sometimes it just is as good to move on. Dh is just being pompous at suggesting he would parent SO much better.... It's belittling and silly over a bee.

sparkle12mar08 · 01/08/2013 14:48

At three and after trying to save it, I'd have lied too. At five maybe not, but three? Nah, let him be happy he helped an animal!

Burmobasher · 01/08/2013 14:59

We had the exact same situation with my DS age 3 a few weeks ago and sadly little bee didn't make it. I told ds the truth but I am not sure he really understood.
Anyway, yanbu, I can understand why you wanted to spare his feelings.

attheendoftheday · 01/08/2013 15:00

I would've told the truth, I think. But I don't think tabu not to!

My 2 year old seems fine about animals dying, have lost some pets, and we also had a bee die that we tried to save. We have saved some other animals, though (saved a bat a little while ago :) ).

Cherriesarelovely · 01/08/2013 15:04

I don't think you or you DH are BU. On one day I might have used your approach and on another I might have used his. I wouldn't avoid the topic of death forever and ever but I don't think there is any harm in sparing his feelings like this today.

CinnabarRed · 01/08/2013 15:12

I wouldn't have told DS1 the truth at three - but then, at that age (he's now 5) he was obsessed by death and very disturbed by it.

The obsession started, BTW, when he asked DH to read out the dedication on a bench at a local beauty spot - so it's not true that all children are pragmatic about death.

DS2, on the other hand, is a hardy little soul and I would have told him the truth (he's three, so directly comparable).

Sparklymommy · 01/08/2013 15:13

I'd have done the same as you.

Littleen · 01/08/2013 17:40

Would have told him, because it's easier to take the life/death lesson for a random bee, then when it's a pet or a relative :) and then in the future, could refer to the time with the bee. But I don't think telling him it flew away is bad either! He's gonna learn about life at some point so don't think this situation matters in the great scheme of things!

DanceParty · 01/08/2013 18:26

I'd have said what you did - can't abide people who 'tell the truth at all times'.

He'll learn about death soon enough in his life. No need to distress him unnecessarily.

spanky2 · 01/08/2013 18:28

You are good . I wouldn't have thought of that. I am with you.

maddening · 01/08/2013 18:33

Yanbu - he has other chances to learn.

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